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matt10e

Not getting easier

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thegirl

I lost my boyfriend and love of my life on May 22, 2012. We had been friends for 8 years- since high school- and had been dating and living together nearly 1.5 years when he died.

He had been depressed for a while- which I knew- and struggled with suicidal ideation. It had been getting worse and he was hospitalized several times between November and February, even going so far as getting ECT treatment. After the February hospitalization (which was for 2 weeks, when he received the ECT), he was ok for a while, but then it seemed like everything went to hell. I felt like he was pushing me out because he seemed to always want to hang out with one of his friends over me. We would argue so, so much- my side was simply because I wanted to spend more time with him. It got to the point that I was considering moving out in an effort to stop hurting one another. It also got to the point that we practically broke up on the 18th of May, and the made up on the 19th. The next few days were good between us.

On the 22nd, we had been texting and he said he was really low (I was at work at the time). He then went to therapy and said it didn't help. I tried suggesting things like playing with his dog, or doing community service (which I now feel like an idiot for doing). One of his texts was "I wish I was either dead or wanting to be alive. Not this crappy in between place." To which I didn't directly respond- which I thought I should even then. But I didn't. After texting a bit more and me not being helpful, I told him "I don't know what to say, so I'm just going to say I love you." And I feel like he probably thought I was brushing him off.

When I got home, I found him hanging in a doorway. I keep kicking myself that I didn't go home that day, that I didn't call him (I used to in the past, I don't know why I didn't that day). I KNOW that if I had gone home, he'd be alive today. I feel so responsible, because I feel like I set the wheels in motion for him to give up. With all of the fighting we were doing, he couldn't see that I was so in love with him. And with the stress I was dealing with at work, I was pretty burnt out and less able to be helpful. I had been so good in the past- cuddling him for hours and just being there for him, and I had been as much recently, and I feel so guilty. I feel that if I had, he wouldn't have given up.

Nothing is helping. I'm in therapy twice a week and it does no good. My parents- who I moved back in with immediately after the incident- have a very harsh "get over it" attitude, and I cannot go to them for comfort. If I'm crying, and I try to, I'm told to "stop it" or "that's enough, now." I don't have a support system of friends. My boyfriend was the only person who ever made me feel ok, Where I felt at home. It hasn't been getting any better, it hasn't been getting any easier. I'm reduced to tears at least 2 hours practically every day and the guilt and regret I have for not being there for him like he needed me to be is overwhelming. I am at a loss for what to do.

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sami b

I don't know that any of us who have lost someone so tragicly ever really know what to do to make it better. I do want to say though that this wasn't your fault. Your boyfriend made his decision and he is the only one who can take any blame for his actions. I am still trying to get myself to understand this same thing about my cousin's suicide.

I am so sorry that your parents are not more comforting. It is really important to have support system during these times. Have you tried going to a support group? I tried therapy as well, and while talking about it made it a little better I found that the support group I go to is much more theraputic for me. It helped me to hear some of the things others are going through and to know that it's not just me and that it's normal to feel the things I am feeling. I feel like having that human connection with people who have shared the same experience is more helpful in the healing process.

I hope that you find some peace and keep posting on this forum. I have gotten some really helpful comments and suggestions and it helps to know that people out there really care and want to help. Keep sharing and talking about it and think of the good times you had with him. Keep those good times in your heart.

Sami

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fjamesc

I am so sorry for what has happened, and I am especially concerned that you are not getting support from your parents -- and I hope you find avenues to talk about your feelings with others and ways to get the help you need. I truly empathize with your struggle over feeling guilty. After my father died of suicide (which was many years ago), feelings of guilt (and anger) were the most troubling and painful burden to me -- which I carried everywhere with me for a very long time. Indeed, I can relate to how awful your "conclusion" feels -- "that if I had gone home, he'd be alive today" -- and I must say that I suspect you are focusing on such a "conclusion" based only on one part of the story of your boyfriend's death. What I mean is that there is much more to the story than the part about what you did or didn't do (or say) on that particular day. So I encourage you to tell the rest of the story as best you can (tell it here on this discussion board and wherever else you find an understanding audience and a listening ear -- perhaps to your counselor? to a support group? to a friend? to other trustworthy, empathetic people in your life?). For instance, there is a story that needs to be told about everything you did do to be helpful and loving to your boyfriend during the long difficulties related to his mental/emotional crisis. There is a story about his experiences with his other caregivers and with his other supports (family, friends, etc.) during this crisis. There is the story of his depression, which seemed to be a very terrible and very powerful force, and there is a story about his own decisions and his own actions. There are likely other valuable stories to be told -- think all of the threads which, woven together, paint a more complete picture of what happened -- and it might be helpful for you to try to tell those stories in ways that are meaningful to you (even if you begin by only telling them to yourself, or telling them in a journal). It has only been four months since your boyfriend died so tragically (and so traumatically, for you), so please keep reaching out to others and focusing on just one day at a time, for there is hope, and you will find your way through to the other side of this awful loss one step at a time.

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thegirl

I've been going through our old texts. We had a pattern of fighting and making up-probably due in part to his depression. I realize just how much of a brushoff my texts that day must have seemed. I didn't mean it that way...I wasn't saying helpful things. I don't know why I didn't think to ask what I could do. In Feb, we'd been having a mini argument and I asked what I could do and ended up going home from work early. I don't know why I didn't that day. I feel so awful. He must have thought I was abandoning him. With everything that had been going on the past month and a half, and the fighting, I'd talked about moving out in order for it to stop. We had made up three days before- and the last three days were good- and agreed to try really had, but that must have been at the back of his mind, thinking that I was fed up and going to leave when I didn't answer those texts.

I feel terrible. I feel worse every day. I feel really guilty for the arguing. I'd been arguing to spend more time with him because he always seemed to want to hang out with one of his friends (actually his brother's best friend, and five years younger than him), but now I wonder if I was just trying to keep him all to myself and was too needy. I'd knowing him for 7 years (since I was 15, he 16) before we finally started dating, and during that time we had an intense connection that everybody saw. But he would always keep me at arms length and wouldn't let us get close (he later said he regretted that a lot) so now I wonder if I just wanted him all to myself since I had put in so much time into the relationship. I know I really wanted to be the one to make him happy and was very envious that his brother's group of friends were the people he claimed made him happy. It's like he decided against having fun with me the last couple of months

I don't know what to do. I feel worse every day. I feel more empty every day. The only time I felt at home was when I was around him, even before we were dating. He really was my soulmate. I can't imagine finding someone else. I don't want to. I just want him back. Despite how hard it had gotten, I still believe he would have gotten better. I still believe he'd be alive if I'd been more attentive in my texts that day. I don't know what to do. Therapy doesn't help. Being around other people doesn't help- it drains me. My parents are still of the "stop crying" thinking, and I'm just falling apart. I don't have someone to go to that I can just cry to and have them hug me. The last time I really got hugged was the night before he died. I feel more lost every day.

I also feel forgotten. People talk to his brother, but everyone seems to have forgotten that I was right there, that my world ended too. i reached out to his brother around the four month "deathaversary" and he didn't even acknowledge that I had. Am I right to be hurt? I used to hang out with his brother, in fact I was the reason he stayed in high school as long as he did. We didn't hang out much apart from game nights while my boyfriend and I were together, and there was a misunderstanding about us having an issue with one another, but I'm hurt that he didn't even say anything about my messages. The last time I saw him was over a month ago, and I cried in front of him so I don't know if that made him not want to talk to me. I've asked if he blames me and he says "no," but I'm not sure. I even said "I'm sorry if you don't want to hear from me" in my message, and it would have been nice if he'd said "no, I don't" or something. I'm not trying to hold on to him as a last tie to my boyfriend, but I actually do care.

I am more lost and more alone every day.

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thejennyjacobs

For the past few years, I have been a patient companion (sitting with patients at the hospital who have attempted suicide) and one thing many of them have said to me is that they feel everyone would be better off without them. This surprised me as I know many people make the comment about suicide being so selfish, etc. However, in their minds, they are doing everyone a favor. Yes, we cannot even begin to understand why people do what they do. My heart breaks for all the families who have had to deal with these tragedies. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

www.thejennyjacobs.com

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Angel'sSon

To the ones that have posted about suicide,,,I really hate what you are going thru. 2 months ago my son shot himself in the head at his house in his livingroom. My daughter in law woke up to a loud bang. she found my son on the couch and was pronounced dead at the scene. No one had a clue that he was depressed or going thru anything bad. He had a great wife and baby girl. I will never forget when my daughter in law showed up at my house and said Dustin shot hisself and I said omg...which hospital..she shook her head and she said he is gone!! All I could say is no, no not my sonand I couldnt even cry. A neighbor came over cos she heard my dog barking and she stayed with me the rest of the night!!! I kept asking her why can't I cry and with her being in nursing, she told me that I was in shock. Then making arangements for my sons funeral the next day, all I did was cry the whole time. At the funeral home and funeral, I couldn't let go of his cold hand and just kept looking at him and telling him to open up his eyes. Of course, no he didnt. Dustin was my youngest child and we were so close...I have pictures posted inmy gallary. I 've taken up drinking again and this is not a good thing for me. 11 days after my son passed, I was admitted to the mental ward of the hospital. I just coulen't take it!!! This is going to last a lifetime it seems. With my oldest daughter having breast cancer and is having to double up on her treatments...If something happens to her, I don't know what I will do!!!! Just wanted to share my story to all and I want to know what led my son to do this!!! I feel so lost and angry at the same time!!!!

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thegirl

I passed the five month mark last week. It still feels as fresh as yesterday, but so far away that sometimes it feels like I was never in a relationship with him- that that year and a half was all just a dream. It terrifies me. The forgetting. I don't want to forget anything. But I'm stuck with fading memories and weakening fantasies of what I should have done that day, what my life should be right now. I feel like I'm coming apart. Nothing has helped so far- I stopped therapy because she kept suggesting medication, and that would do nothing for me. I tried working, but it just left me drained and more depressed. Being around people drains me because nobody knows what to say, and I don't have firm relationships with anybody so i find myself not caring to be around them or hating them for not being my boyfriend. I am at a complete loss of what to do. The only times I'm "ok" is when I convince myself we're either on a break, and we'll go back to normal soon, or we haven't started dating yet, or I'll wake up from this. It doesn't feel real. I just can't figure out how to wake up.

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Shirley e

It will be one month tomorrow that Rob shot himself in front of me. I understand how u feel, I am having the same feeling. We lived with his mother and family for nine months. They blame me they don't what me around. You are right medications can not fix a broken heart but they will help the depression. The last 5 days have been really bad for me. But I know that through prayer and the grace of God I will get threw this and you will to. I will be praying for you. God Bless

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ElemmireAnini

I've felt very alone too. After my fiance died not one person on campus asked what I would like at the memorial service. People seem to look right through me. I feel like his suicide was also a murder. People around here make me feel like he and I never existed.

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thegirl

I just realized that the six month mark falls on Thanksgiving. Our anniversary is the next week. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm already falling apart. Feels like I'm stuck between fading memories and weakening fantasies and I can't accept either.

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suzique

I am so, so sorry to hear what has happened. I too lost my partner. We were together for 20 years, he was my soul mate. He suffered from depression for a number of years and had 12 lots of ECT treatment, which I don't think in the long run did him any good. In and out of hospital alot and been prescribed lots and lots of different prescription tablets/medication, which again in the long run, I don't think it did him any good. In some ways I think it could have possibly made his depression worse.

I am sorry that you are not getting support fom your parents. I think that's really awful.

My whole life has been turned upside down since I lost my partner. I feel sad, angry, feelings of constant worrying, despair and panic. Can't sleep well or eat much. I think about my partner all of the time. I feel lost and I have a terrible whole in my life that I don't know if, when and how I am ever going to fill it. Each day is hard work. I used to look forward to each day, but now I dont. I just think another day to get through.

I would like to try to offer you some support at this most difficult time in our lives, and I feel that we could help each other, as we know what we are going through. Please get in touch with me if you want to. I feel yoir pain, I really do. My prayers are with you. Godbless.

Sue.

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thegirl

In and out of hospital alot and been prescribed lots and lots of different prescription tablets/medication, which again in the long run, I don't think it did him any good. In some ways I think it could have possibly made his depression worse.

I agree there. I think in my case, he was WAY overprescribed and the woman giving him the meds didn't even really care. I tried to get him to go off of them on several occasions but he wouldn't listen to me. So I had to watch as they made things worse (every time he got a new drug, he'd get worse) and as they took away who he was. I think the woman didn't actually follow proper protocol, and ultimately had a large hand in what happened.

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thegirl

Today would be our two year anniversary. We should be celebrating. Instead, I'm brokenhearted and alone. My mind is trying to hide my memories, and it feels like many are lost already. I can't call up his face and voice- I never could commit him to memory in all the years of knowing him. It's like I thought he'd always be there so I didn't have to. I can only call up certain expressions or sounds or feelings. But not a full memory. It hurts. It feels like I made that part of my life up, like it never even happened. The longer it is, the more that feeling happens. It terrifies me.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I want this to be over, and I still think it will be over. I'm convinced it wasn't on purpose, he just didn't care at that point if that was the end result. But I don't have anything moving forward. Other people have a strong family support system or a group of close friends that they turned to after something like this and I have neither. Scattered friendships with people I was never really close with and don't particularly care about being around (I feel like such a social failure for this. I liked his friends better than mind), and a family telling me to move on and that this was actually good because it "freed" me. I don't know what to do anymore. Talking does nothing- the only reason I do is because I think if I say the right thing or figure out my mistakes it'll be undone. Distractions do nothing- I tried going back to work and was overwhelmed after 3 hours. Then I went home and felt even more empty.

I feel like I lost everything. He was part of my life for a third of my life. I only ever felt at home when I was around him- from soon after meeting. I don't have a partner, I don't have a best friend, I don't have someone to hold me, I don't have my home and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I half hope I'll just lose my mind and have a complete break with reality so I don't have to do this anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. Looking here on these forums, it just seems like this pain never goes away. It only gets farther away.

People say it'll get better, I'll find someone else, etc. I'm sometimes a bit jealous of those who can do that. I'm not wired like that, and I know that. This was it for me so now I'm basically screwed. Anybody else would be settling. I've never felt that feeling of home around anybody else and I don't see it happening again. I'm not religious- and if I had been, it would have ended that day- so there's nothing for me to turn to there.

I feel so stuck in this limbo. To not think about him hurts. And I can feel the thoughts and memories scratching at the back of my mind. To think about him hurts. Every day hurts. Being conscious hurts. Being alone hurts. I get so mad that he took everything away from me, when I would have given anything for him- and I gave a lot. That day, I had quit my job partially so that I would be home so I'd be there for him. I get so mad that I didn't go home that day, that he didn't ask me to. I hate that he did something so stupid, and did it so I couldn't get there in time. I'm still haunted that it had something to do with me. He'd held out until we got together. It feels like a sick joke. I'm the one who was consistently there for 7 years of friendship, even when he made it difficult. I was the girlfriend who truly gave unconditional love, who never cheated on him, who never abandoned him, who stuck by him through everything, even when he was mean or pushing me away. And after all of that, the universe gives me the finger and takes away everything. It still doesn't feel real. Part of me refuses to accept it as real. I don't believe he would do that to me. No matter how low he was. I never believed he'd do it. I still can't believe he made me find him. Which is why I believe it was an accident. And I still think it can be undone.

I know this post won't do any good in making me feel better. Nothing does. I just want this to be over. I want my life back.

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rachelm744

Today would be our two year anniversary. We should be celebrating. Instead, I'm brokenhearted and alone. My mind is trying to hide my memories, and it feels like many are lost already. I can't call up his face and voice- I never could commit him to memory in all the years of knowing him. It's like I thought he'd always be there so I didn't have to. I can only call up certain expressions or sounds or feelings. But not a full memory. It hurts. It feels like I made that part of my life up, like it never even happened. The longer it is, the more that feeling happens. It terrifies me.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I want this to be over, and I still think it will be over. I'm convinced it wasn't on purpose, he just didn't care at that point if that was the end result. But I don't have anything moving forward. Other people have a strong family support system or a group of close friends that they turned to after something like this and I have neither. Scattered friendships with people I was never really close with and don't particularly care about being around (I feel like such a social failure for this. I liked his friends better than mind), and a family telling me to move on and that this was actually good because it "freed" me. I don't know what to do anymore. Talking does nothing- the only reason I do is because I think if I say the right thing or figure out my mistakes it'll be undone. Distractions do nothing- I tried going back to work and was overwhelmed after 3 hours. Then I went home and felt even more empty.

I feel like I lost everything. He was part of my life for a third of my life. I only ever felt at home when I was around him- from soon after meeting. I don't have a partner, I don't have a best friend, I don't have someone to hold me, I don't have my home and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I half hope I'll just lose my mind and have a complete break with reality so I don't have to do this anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. Looking here on these forums, it just seems like this pain never goes away. It only gets farther away.

People say it'll get better, I'll find someone else, etc. I'm sometimes a bit jealous of those who can do that. I'm not wired like that, and I know that. This was it for me so now I'm basically screwed. Anybody else would be settling. I've never felt that feeling of home around anybody else and I don't see it happening again. I'm not religious- and if I had been, it would have ended that day- so there's nothing for me to turn to there.

I feel so stuck in this limbo. To not think about him hurts. And I can feel the thoughts and memories scratching at the back of my mind. To think about him hurts. Every day hurts. Being conscious hurts. Being alone hurts. I get so mad that he took everything away from me, when I would have given anything for him- and I gave a lot. That day, I had quit my job partially so that I would be home so I'd be there for him. I get so mad that I didn't go home that day, that he didn't ask me to. I hate that he did something so stupid, and did it so I couldn't get there in time. I'm still haunted that it had something to do with me. He'd held out until we got together. It feels like a sick joke. I'm the one who was consistently there for 7 years of friendship, even when he made it difficult. I was the girlfriend who truly gave unconditional love, who never cheated on him, who never abandoned him, who stuck by him through everything, even when he was mean or pushing me away. And after all of that, the universe gives me the finger and takes away everything. It still doesn't feel real. Part of me refuses to accept it as real. I don't believe he would do that to me. No matter how low he was. I never believed he'd do it. I still can't believe he made me find him. Which is why I believe it was an accident. And I still think it can be undone.

I know this post won't do any good in making me feel better. Nothing does. I just want this to be over. I want my life back.

you have just said everything that i feel that i cant express x

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dsmurph

The girl, I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand and feel alot of the same things. The difference is it was my 14 year old daughter who shot herself and I found her 5 minutes later on October 25, 2012. She wasn't planning it. It was an impulsive decision. The other day I said to myself, I don't want to do it anymore, I'm tired of living my life without her. I want her back. The next day I had alot of anger toward my husband and some toward GOD. My girls are my life. I don't have many friends. I really only have a couple. But I don't share much with them. I put on a smile and a few words. I just don't think they would understand, and 1 of them will tell other people what I shared in privacy. But I do try to talk to her and Our Creator. I feel her everyday. About a week ago I started feeling like somebody was in the room, watching me. It was a very strong feeling. I feel it everyday, especially when I'm in the kitchen, by myself. I've seen her twice, sitting on my loveseat. When I looked back quickly she was gone. The other night we stayed at my mom and dad's house. I woke up out of a hard sleep to find a floating, roundish shape of little lights above\beside my husband. I sort of blinked my eyes to realize what I was seeing and it was still there for a second. Then it dissappeared. I went back into a deep sleep and woke a few minutes later knowing this was not a dream. This was my Emily, whom I loved from the time she was in my womb. I cannot belive she is gone. We always loved music. I almost can't bare to listen to it right now. But I do have to take care of my 6 year old daughter , and I have to be strong for my 22 year old, and my husband. It's hard I know...But know that alot of other people feel your pain, you are not alone. Talk to me anytime you want. I don't know that I can say much to help, but I can relate to you.

May you find some peace in your time of grief

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thegirl

I moved out of my parents' into an apartment. I'm making an attempt at work. The more I do "real life" things, the more I find myself thinking "what's the point?" It doesn't feel like there is one anymore. I shouldn't be doing any of the things I'm doing. None of them feel right. None of them feel real.

When he died, it opened up a floodgate of inner demons that were kept at bay only because I was with him. Now they've come out to play, along with my nihilism, and the result is an epic existential crisis. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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Thewarrior

my boyfriend hung himself too. He was the love of my life. He lived august 28th. I can relate to a lot of the feelings your feeling the guilt and everything just know your not alone. im sorry and i hope things get better for us.

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thegirl

Thank you everyone here for your kind words. I'm hoping you guys can offer some advice.

Does anyone here have advice on what to do when you feel like you're going to have a panic attack? I spent an hour sobbing on the floor of the tub yesterday (and often before that) and I didn't feel better after. I'm having a hard time with reality, and what my life is. I'm not that close with my family, and I really don't have close friends--which is adding to my problem of feeling like a failure of a person.

What do you do when you have nothing to help you? I don't have someone to hug me and make things any better, and it hurts. Physically hurts. My chest is so tight, I literally can't lift my head or turn it. I constantly feel like I'm about to have a heart attack or panic attack. I know I'm about to fall apart.

And how do you get people to back off about you "moving on"? I have a friend who I'm not close to who keeps bugging me to talk about my feelings, going so far as to say he'd going to "ninja" them out of me. When I've repeatedly told him I don't want to, he keeps pushing it and said "the past is the past" and crap like that. The lack of empathy astounds me and I don't understand why he won't drop it when I tell him to. We've never talked about feelings before, so I don't understand why he's being so pushy.

I still don't know what I'm doing. It's just getting harder. I keep getting reminded how alone I am. I don't know how to get out of this limbo. My family keeps saying that I had been keeping him alive, but in fact it was the other way around. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in a sort of manic phase, throwing myself into projects that I've come to realize were what I was doing before in order to set up a life where I could be there for him more. Nothing distracts me enough. And with the insomnia- I don't remember the last time I've gone to sleep before 3am- and my inability to turn off my mind, I feel like I'm going insane. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm still preparing for it to be over, to wake up.

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dsmurph

I know you may not feel like talking about it but, I've found it so helpful to reach out to a professional, who does not judge, will not share with others, and knows just the right questions to ask to make me open up. The local hospice here is free and has a support group, with people who have had similar losses. It may help some with your panic attacks. I started taking some natural meds. They help balance my nervous system so I can sleep better. I don't always sleep very well though, sometimes it is 2:30 AM before I can get to sleep. I used to be out by 10:00- 11:00 every night. I have my days when I do feel panicky though. But it does help. Let me know if you want the name of the meds. I miss my daughter so much that at times it does hurt physically. Her life was too short. She was so beautiful inside and out. My life is too quiet and lonely without her. But I have no choice but to wake up every morning and live without her. I read a good book that really helped me to understand alot about where she is now. It answered alot of questions and really brought me some peace. "Embraced By the Light." By Betty J Eadie. I got it from my local library. Just because she took her own life does not mean she isn't with our Creator. He gave me too many sighns and wonders for her not to be. My daughter and your boyfriend are learning so much more than we could ever know on this earth. Their life is over here but it is not really over. They are there, being truly loved and held. Try to help yourself mend some. It is the only way we are going to get through this. I knew the day Emily died that she was being held. He gave us rainbow upon rainbow all around us at her funeral. And this book confirmed her being held. They are loved and always will be by us. Read this book, it will help you alot. Debbie

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asteroidsarefaraway

It's been only couple of months.. He killed himself infront of me. And we were fighting. We would get married on this summer. Now I have so many questions together with the terrible feeling of missing him. But on the other hand I have my family, my friends that I should make them happy. I saw how much they suffered with me when the incident happened. My mum has been always there as well as my dad and my brother, sisters, my aunts, uncles, cousin. I owe them. I owe them to show that I keep going. I should keep going because I saw how much it hurts for the ones who stay. Now I keep going to make my family and friends happy because they deserve it.. On the other hand I miss him. I miss him with all my anger. I want to punch him and ask him why and then hug him like crazy saying "I forgive you stupid come here" and do our stupid dance moves w him. Yes it is horrible, yes I feel like someone keeps punching me all inside, yes I cry before I sleep, yes at the end of the day I have so many stories to tell him and then I realize he is not there anymore and I keep my stories to myself. Yes it hurts to smile without him. I miss his smell. I miss his funny tricks. I miss his voice. I miss sleeping w spoon style w him.. I miss so many things that it makes me sick.. But on the other hand I should keep going. There's a life for me to go. I wasn't alive just to make him happy or just to be loved by him. Yes he was my other half but I also have other people and I do not have any rights to make them sad anymore. And if they were not all there for me I couldn't stand up.. I am going through an EMDR treatment and I refused to take pills after the 2nd week of my loss. Docs were ok w this idea.. And now I appreciate this EMDR treatment. Every time I leave the doctor I have this tiny inner voice telling me "you will be fine you will be happy one day". I hold on to this inner voice. I don't think I will ever love anyone like I loved him, I don't think I will ever have the trust and strenght for a passionate relationship again but I know I was loved a lot once. Even this feeling is enough for me to keep going with my family and friends. His family refuses to see me because they read our mails and found some mails that I wrote to him. Couple of short mails I wrote to him that week while we were fighting.. And they declared me as the murderer although we used to be really close before.. So now I know life is unfair.. I am sure it is. I seem like a total mess but it is gonna be allright. Please think of it. I don't know if the pain will ever go away one day buy I know me and people like me (I cannot believe that there r similar stories on this site..) will have the power to forgive themselves and keep going thinking what happened was also not fair for them and they did not deserve this.. Noone should deserve this..

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thegirl

Another day, another breakdown. It just keeps getting harder.

I've hung out with his brother and his brother's girlfriend a few times. I feel guilty when I do- he had push for me to hang out with "the group" and I resisted because I didn't feel like anyone tried to make me feel like I fit in when I did. He pushed for me to be friends with his brother's girlfriend- I resisted because of how pushy he was being about it. Now again I have to wonder how much of a difference it would have made if I'd put in more of an effort with "the group."

It's been seven months since I've gotten cuddled. It's physically destroying me. I cry and hug my knees and rock back and forth like a little kid who doesn't get enough hugs. It's making me aggressive. I feel horrible because that manifests as me getting angry with my dog for very little things.

I can't remember the relationship. I feel like I'm tarnishing it in my own mind, only thinking about my mistakes and his negative actions towards me. It's still a back and forth battle of whether or not he really loved me. I let myself watch videos for the first time in a while today because I needed to see and hear him. I hate feeling like I can't. I'm scared to think about him, I'm scared not to. In not thinking about our relationship, I go back to thinking around the time of high school, and it's physically distressing.

I feel like it's getting harder. When I'm completely shut down and going about my day, it feels like I'm accepting this life as it is. And I can't do it. It's not one I want. It's not one I agreed to. With him gone I don't have ANY sort of social circle. I am a complete failure in that department. I feel like a failure of a person. We are our relationships. If you have none, what does that say about you?

Every day is hell. Every day is harder. The voice in my head keeps screaming "what's the point?!" What mattered most is gone. I don't see another relationship any time soon. I'm not ok with being alone that long. But I'm not ok with the idea of being with anybody else. But that kind of thing doesn't happen for me anyway. So I just see me and loneliness. So I can't drown out that voice anymore. For him, there was a way out, a way to better. I don't see one for me. His was a matter of the mind. Mine is a matter of things I have no control over. I get so angry when people tell me my life is in my hands. It's not. It got ripped out of them. I have no control over relationships. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't make a difference. I bend over backwards for people and in the end I have no one. I'm left rocking myself on the floor, in a corner for hours. I don't know what to do. I haven't since that day. But it just seems increasingly pointless.

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AmyM

I am so sorry for everyone's loss. It both comforts me and saddens me that other people know what I have been going through. I lost two of the most influential people in my life last year. My friend Deanne, who was like a mother to me, was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer (she had not had any prior symptoms). She died 33 days later on May 18, 2012 from complications. I couldn't go to her memorial service due to obligations with my job and college (the economy caused me to be the only person in my family with a job, and I could not drop my classes as much as I wanted to because of financial aid). I had to remind myself that Deanne was no longer suffering in pain on a daily basis to get myself through my obligations during that summer.

Just as I was beginning to accept Deanne's death, I found out that her widower husband Mark committed suicide on September 11, 2012. Apparently, the grief from losing his wife of 11 years was too much for him. Mark was literally the last person I ever would have imagined to kill himself. As a pastor, he gave every moment (except his final ones) of his life to God. He was so full of life. He had no depression prior to Deanne's death. When Deanne died, his entire church congregation stood by him and offered him endless support, and he had been getting counseling, Mark was one of the godliest men I knew, yet in one moment, he defied everything he ever believed in and took his life. The man who welcomed me with open arms when most of society hated me for my race, who showed me what it truly meant to be a Christian and ultimated largely influenced my decision to become Christian, who stood by my side and helped baptize me just one year ago, who was more family to me than 90 percent of my blood relatives, and who would always tell me to never give up and trust in the Lord for strength no matter how seemingly impossible and dark life got killed himself. Once again, due to obligations with school and work (last fall was my final semester as an undergrad, and some of my professors were not understanding of my tragedy), I could not go to his memorial service. I haven't been able to even see anyone who was close with Mark since the weekend his wife died. That has been the hardest for me. I haven't gotten any form of closure, and although I have a group of incredibly good friends who have been there to listen or hug me, they haven't suffered a suicide death.

I have been such a wreck since Mark died. Even though I was able to pass my final semester of college, I was almost always overwhelmed with my schoolwork and my family's financial hardshiip. It seemed like the more pain I was in, the more responsibility that was thrown at me. I am struggling with my faith. I have also struggled with various forms of guilt. The enitre year before Mark's death, I had bad luck with my health. I suffered a black widow spider bite towards the end of 2011 that nearly killed me and destroyed my health. Four months later, I suffered a near fatal asthma attack. While my health is much better today, it is still not 100%. I often wonder why I am alive and not Mark and Deanne. I sometimes feel guilty that I lived and they didn't. Mark and Deanne knew their life purpose; I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Also, Mark was heavy on my mind the day before he died. It is almost as if I sensed something was seriously wrong with him. I would have called him that Monday night, but since I had so many assignments due that Tuesday morning that I decided to wait until the following day to call him. That was the Tuesday I found out that Mark had killed himself the night before. I wished I would have called him that night. I wonder if I could helped him had I called.

Does anyone else ever feel angry or disappointed with your loved one who committed suicide? I feel so bad for feeling so angry with Mark, but he hurt me so much. He stained his legacy by going against his own beliefs. He abandoned an entire church congregation. I feel so guilty that part of me is angry with Mark because I know that he was in so much pain when he took his life he felt like there was no other option. I miss him so much; I don't want to be angry with him.

Thegirl, I am so sorry that you do not have a support system to help you. I do not know what I would do without my friends and family. There are a few things that have helped me get through the days. Maybe they can help you too. I remind myself that Mark and Deanne would want me to "move on," so I make an effort to maintain my routine (though some days that was just impossible). Dance has really helped me cope. The day Mark died was also the first day of rehearsals for a dance show I was in. Mark and Deanne never got to see me perform while they were alive, so I poured my heart into rehearsals knowing that they would be watching me from above. Dance time is a time where I can channel all of emotions and/or forget about everything and just dance. Maybe you can find some activity for yourself as a way to channel emotions? Also, I would recommend taking up yoga or meditation to help with your panic attacks and sleeping problems. Yoga has helped me clear my mind when it can't seem to stop racing, and it has helped me learn how to control my breathing (very good for asthma and anxiety). Also, melatonin is a natural supplement that would help you sleep if yoga or meditation don't help you.

I am praying for peace and strength for everyone.

-Amy

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nunimom

AmyM....I am so sorry for your losses. That is quite a lot to go thru in such a short time span, in addition to going to college. My husband killed himself 10/22/2012. My middle daughter is just now finishing up her last semester in college. It was sure nerve wracking for her, she wasn't sure she'd make it, with the stress and grieving combined with a lot of school work. But she asked for extensions, and explained to many of her professors the situation, and many were good to her.

The anger is part of the package. I'm told that the brain goes thru many stages when experiencing such a loss as suicide...not only is it a death with grieving, it is a death with grieving that didn't have to happen. So many people suffer, and the one who is dead and being grieved is "at peace". Of course you are angry. I'm also told to not reign in my feelings. They have to surface, they have to run their course. Sad, angry, confused, depressed,tears, tired, ....all of it...it all has to surface.

Take care of yourself physically. Grieving is hard work. When it surrounds a suicide, it is downright exhausting, guilt will wrestle with you. Soon you will see you could have done nothing to stop what happened, but you'll still tell yourself time and time again that you could have. It's the worst merry go round on Earth.

Peace to you...michele.

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DeanG001

I'm new to this topic. This is my first post ever. Suicide entered my world Monday Jan 14th 2013. (2 Days ago) My best friend took his life and i've been numb. I've read this whole thread and it's heartbreaking to see how many of you good people have suffered thru this nightmare. I'm not prepared to go into that many details at this point and that isnt my intent while writing this.

I was so overwhelmed with "thegirl" situation it hurt me physically to read what she's been going thru. Not to minimize anyone elses loss by any means but reading her story was almost too much for me at this point. Hopefully i'll get comfortable in this envirement and will be able to share more soon and offer hope and comfort to anyone who reaches out.

I wasnt aware of how many people have been touched by suicide. It never entered my life before. I hope everyone thats been devastated by it finds peace sooner rather than later, including me.

Miss "thegirl" your story has touched me so much. I guess because there were so many similarities between my situation and yours.

May God bless you and everyone else out there thats been left to pick up the pieces.

p.s. I havent even cried yet. I dont know why.

Dean G.

Melbourne, Fl.

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DeanG001

It's been very theraputic to read all of your heartfelt post's. Especially since all of you are so elequent with your thoughts and emotions. You can feel the pain in your words. I PRAY all of you who've suffered loss will find peace at some point.

God Bless.....

Dean G.

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