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why does this hurts so much


drakesmommy4ever

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drakesmommy4ever

hello i'm new to this and i don't know exactly what to do, my son drake passed away on september 18,2007 he was 13 months 6 days away from turing 14 months. its hard for me to go throught life without him. I have only had one dream of him since his death  i don't know if that is normal or not i get upset for the simple fact of that i don't dream of him i don't understand it. Does anyone else experience that? Is it normal or is it just me. I hold at alot of guilt for his death, his death was ruled accidental, he slept with a pillow and he  somehow got it where it blocked his breathing he was still able to breath he was just breathing in air he already breathed out. I blame myself cause i let him sleep with a pillow if i never did that he would be here with me everybody tells me it wasn't my fault but i can't except that.  I don't want to except that, I pretend like i'm ok but i'm not I have two other children and its hard to do the daily things like i used to do with them and their brother, I'm still angry with God and myself for his death I don't understand how I'am expected to live and go through life without my baby boy. I don't understand why god put him here only to take him away a year later.  We had my son's funeral on the day we had my fathers services 4 years ago. How am i supose to continue going on? please anyone please give me some advice.

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[user=19394]drakesmommy4ever[/user] - A beautiful boy, such a smile, such sparkle in those eyes.  I would love to tell you the answers to ease your pain and give you understanding to your whys......the truth is none of us here have  any answers......

Right now you are grieving with so many whys whatifs and if onlys.....you may feel that this is more than you can bare, but know that you can come here, post if you want, read more on the threads for loss of a young child......but know each person on this site has been where you are and will never let you travel alone.  It can help if you lock into your GP or a counsellor to help you with this overwhelming loss, it is not something any of us has the strength to face alone.....

I am so sorry you have lost your son.....I know no words will ease the ache in your heart.....

Blessed be......Trudi

 

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For drakesmommyforever~ Please, please don't feel guilty...Please.

You gave your baby a pillow to be comfy and cozy. It's as simple as that, and nothing can change it. There are mothers, somewhere, that are giving their babies pillows right now, and there are mothers, tragically enough, that are living our nightmare, no pillow involved. 

Point being, you did NOT do this...LIFE did, and all of us know and wonder what would have happened if this or that didn't happen when ,where, why and how it did.

My 25 year old son, Danny, passed away in June of 2004. We have all found out her, for the most part, that when we have no answers, it is simply because we are slowly coming to the realization, that ..

1~ By the time we get to where our babies are, no questions will need to be answered.

and...

2~ We will be with them again, and our lifetime here will then have been but a "blink"...

What has helped me, for what reason, I am not too sure of, is that I KNOW that a lifetime here will never be able to do to Danny what was done me, and the others that love him so perfectly. That love lives on and it always will. I will always be his Mom, and each day you will feel closer to Drake than ever before. You are his mother, and after something like this, the bond becomes untouchable and unbreakable... As much as the pain becomes the reality, so too does the feeling of "we are forever one".....

I know that it is all such a blur right now, but try, if you can, to continue to come to Beyond Indigo, because you will find and "meet" many of us that have been exactly where you are, have traveled the road a bit longer, and can perhaps help for you to find your way through this darkness.. 

There was a light that led our babies to their "Land of Make Believe Come True", as I call it. I believe that they are so close to us, just removed from any sadness that life could throw their way, so therefore the level of communication is very different. BUT, the love in the hearts of us all grows deeper everyday, and the heartfelt chats become crystal clear... Drake will give you the answers to any and all of your questions...Happy ones, because that is all that they know for all eternity.

I may sound like I have this all so neatly wrapped up in my head and heart, but I would be a liar if I told you that I do, and I liar I am not. I have times when I cry so hard that I am unable to open my eyes. I then reach out and run for whatever comfort I can find. I will forever be trying to find my way...

I keep journals...Have a library full of them now~ I write "Hi Honey" and let the ink guide. It has helped so much. They make for "our story" and I was never a "writer", so it has great meaning, obviously.

As they say, they speak volumes. I am under the care of doctors, and will stay there for the duration... Couldn't, nor wouldn't, do this without their professional assistance, medicines included.

In closing for now, let me tell you that I have a BEAUTIFUL daughter...My Jackie and Danny were 14 months apart, and the BEST of friends. Jackie has 2 little ones, my grandaughters Julia, 8, and Caroline, 11 months. They all keep me going, because they are carrying on...Caroline knew Danny before she knew us, and Julia was 5 when this happened. A brutal blow for an innocent little child... We must be honest and strong with and for her, only doing what we can, when we can.

My extended family keeps me going. My hubby does the best that he knows how.... We have been together since 1990, and Danny thought that Dean walked on water....

I am so, so, so sorry that you have found yourself here. Trust me, the compassion that welcomes you will help so much. 

LOVE

mamabets 

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drakesmommy4ever

Thank you for your encourging words. this is hard, hardest thing i ever had to do. In my mind I know it wasn't my fault, but emotional is a different thing I can't shake the guilt of knowing i could have changed the outcome, I know he is safe and happy and he is okay i just wish he was here with me

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hi drakes mummy

ive just read ure heartbreaking story,i myself have written a story asking why i dont dream of my 4 and a half son,why i dont feel his presence,when other family members, do...im his mummy,why dosent he come 2 me...i had a reply from one parent saying its maybe because it would hurt too much to let them go again if theyre spirit came to visit,i definately think there is truth in that,i cant imagine him leaving me a second time...its so hard...my son gave up after alot of mistakes made in hospital,his last words to me were "mummy i cant do it anymore",theres never a day goes by that i dont think of him,i kiss his photo every night,i ask him 2 help me,i have lost my faith in god,if there is a god why take our children and not all the horrible people in this world....he wont answer

it is very,very hard and the grief has never left me,i have had another child..a girl..but ive found myself saying things like "your brother would never have done that",i know its wrong,she never met him so how would she know,it must hurt her too,i keep telling myself that but it still comes out my mouth,

i am so nglad that beyond indigo exists for us as it helps to speak to other grieving parents,i havent had any counselling or been able to talk about it with strangers before but i find it very helpfull on here

please email me any time

wilson.chrissy@yahoo.com

all my love chrissy xxxxxxx;)

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I've always been a very vivid dreamer, and always remembered my dreams. Since David was killed, I have longed to have him come to me in my dreams..But, I sleep so little. Finally, yesterday morning I dreamt of dear David! It was early morning, and I heard him saying, "Mom! Mom!" and I felt him tugging on my arm. I woke sitting up, and I had an all over warmth...it was like Heaven to me. I just layed back down in hopes of having come back to me like that again...It was truly a "sweet dream"...

'

Love, Lisa

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Chrissy - I don't know why some of us dream of our children and other not, or why when with our remaining children we link back into the child that has left.

Even though my 'babies are in their 30's' I find when we are together the "Mike would love/hate or never do that" comes out.  Not always in the negative....

The pain of losing a baby, even a 5' 10" one, is many times all consuming......Funny how we can somehow lose the memory of child birth pain long enough to sustain another pregnancy... Yet the pain from losing our babies is never lost!

Blessed be to the brilliant mothers who find ways to share and celebrate their precious gifts.......Trudi

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