I miss my angel so much

[dawnie]

hi i lost my wonderful partner on the 03.10.07 he went into hospital on the 01.10.07 with pneumonia the next day they found out he had probale lung cancer but before the could verify this my angel passed away the next day from a hearatack i was with my love when he went and words cannot express how i felt and how i still feel, i am so lost and lonely without him by my side dont know how to cope my,heart is broken please help me. this is my first time on here i hope i am doing it wright.

from dawnie x

[gone4evr]

Dawnie,

     I can't be of much help, but I wanted you to know that there is someone out there that can sympathize.  I lost my husband 4 weeks ago, suddenly from a heart attack.  From everything I have been reading, grief is a process.  Day by day, keep posting here.  There are a lot of people on this website who know what we are feeling and can help us through our grief.  Consider calling a local hospice for grief counseling.  That will get you out where you can find people who are going through what you are going through.  Keep coming here, read the posts.  I am really sorry for your loss and I know that someone with a lot of experience will come along and help both of us cope.  But for now, know that I care and I know what you are feeling. 

[misshimstill]

Hello Dawnie and gone4ever,

I certainly don't claim to be "the person" who has all the experience and can help you, but I can certainly empathize.  I am so sorry to see both of you here because it means you have lost someone who is irreplaceable in your life.  I know the pain because I also lost my husband due to heart-related problems.  He was only 25 when he died of a ruptured aortic valve aneurysm.  It happened very suddenly at home, and I was completely lost and devastated when he died. 

Many here know how you feel - how bereft, how lonely, how completely lost you feel without him.  It is the most lonely feeling I've ever experienced.  It was the most devastating loss I've ever experienced.  I've had a lot of loss in my life, but nothing compares to losing my husband. 

That was 35 years ago.  I repressed the pain and grief because I was 6 weeks pregnant and didn't want to lose the baby and because I was so young I didn't know that I was repressing.  All of that pain was waiting for years to come back up, which it did 5 years ago when my mother died.  The second time was like he had died all over again and was even worse than the first time, as hard as that might be to comprehend. 

Express your loss any way you can.  Cry, scream, write to him, write about him, talk to anyone who will listen (which probably won't be too many people after the first few weeks), come here and talk, join a local bereavement group, see a grief counselor, whatever works for you.  Take as long as you need to work through grief.  It is a process, not just a feeling.  It is hard work, but you can do it with help.  Be very, very gentle with yourself.  Don't chastise yourself or let anyone else chastise you for the way you grieve.  It's your loss and no one feels it like you do.

Know here on BI that you are with friends.  Come here and post as often as you need or want to.  Someone will be here to write back.  Again, I'm so sorry that you have to experience this horrible loss.  My prayers are with you both.  ~Oneta

[aurora]

The still of the night. How many poems I have written about the dark, stillness of the night. In reality, since my husband died, I have been in a drugged sleep in order to sleep at all. I did not sleep at all for 3 days and nights after my husband killed himself. My oncologist at that point prescribed drugs to help me sleep . My psychiatrist added more to help me sleep. This is the life I live since my husband killed himself two years ago. I am hoping someday to be off all the drugs that are helping me to cope with the enormity of suicide.

[gone4evr]

Dawnie,

    I hope you are reading the many posts and haven't given up on this.  I am finding that whenever I write out my feelings and receive the reassurance from everyone here that what we feel is normal, it helps.  Know you are in my prayers. 

Sandy

[dawnie]

Hi Sandy

Thank you so much for your message of support it meant a lot to me, havent had a very easy time at the moment its nearly 5 months since my angels been gone yet it only seems like yesterday, and your wright it does help to write your feelings down, i miss him so much that it realy hurts people say it gets easier but i cant see that some days are different to others but it dosent stop you missing them every minute of every day. Take care talk to you soon my prayers are with you to.

love dawnie x

[missynmemphis]

To: Dawnie  & Gone4ever,  I, like Still MissHim,  have had a ot of time since the  death of my husband~ and frankly  I think  that Oneta's reply helped me a lot  too , in that  though many many years pass, I still miss Rich too. As for  you who are commencing  the grieving journey, I can only  say prayers  for you all. I know it seems sometimes like you're goin' nuts  and  the like,  but  My Dears , It's so very new and rawly open at your stages, please don't  feel like you're  losing it. It's  the only thing that  you can do  this early. I feel so very deeply for you new  mourners.

I can only say that someday , way down the road, your burden will not fade away, but  it  will be lightened. Your beloveds are truly with you, even in your desolation and  emptiness. I think it even makes our departed loves sad to spiritually  see us go through  the early days.

Now, to get back to  MissHimStill.....Thank you so very much for your note here. I really was wondering if my mind was  still ok , in that it's been 22 yrs since my husband died, of RX overdose, ruled suicide...I can relate to so many of the people here on this site, I am new here and have only now disclosed to anyone aside family that my husband died from suicide, ultimately....he was quite young 39 yo. we were married 8+  yrs....

I still feel his presence, I still talk to him, I hear a song we  always enjoyed, and it's at a time  when I really need to know he's still nearby and that he "still Loves me"......Maybe I'm not as nuts  as some think ...after all these years, for  still missing him and loving him....we have a lot in common, and someday I will need to tell my story  to you....As for  Sandy, and Dawnie,  Please keep a spiritual faith and know that even as you  lie down tonight,   You'll Never Be ALone.......even after decades....It will feel better,   God Bless, and stay safe,  Missy

[misshimstill]

Missy,

I'm glad what I said helped you.  As I said, I lost my husband 35 years ago.  Some days it seems like it was only yesterday that he died.  After all these years I still cry myself to sleep some nights.  I still have crying "jags".  Our anniversary is coming up, and I dread it because it only marks what was once a happy time - the happiest day of my life, second only to the day my daughter was born.  The years don't make the pain completely go away, but I guess the pain does become more bearable.  I would be interested in hearing more about your situation.  Mine is a little unusual in that I repressed my grief at the time of his death.  I was only 21 and pregnant and was terribly afraid of losing the baby.  I didn't have adequate support for deep grief.  I didn't understand the stages of grief (not many did back then).  I did what my family had always done - just put my head down and one foot in front of the other and try to move ahead, not realizing that I was repressing, repressing, repressing - until it was so well repressed I hardly ever thought of him.  It came up very suddenly and unexpectedly five years ago when my mother died.  I thought I was going crazy when that happened.  I had no framework to hang an experience like that on to be able to understand what was happening to me.  I was afraid to let my family know because I didn't want them to resent me for grieving someone who had been gone for 30+ years.  Of course, that only made it worse.  It has taken 5 long, hard years, but I'm finally beginning to get some kind of handle on it.  I always tell people to grieve -- it doesn't matter what it looks like -- it doesn't matter if it's like other people grieve -- it doesn't matter what other people think of you -- there is no right or wrong way to do it -- there is no prescribed length of time for grief and there (sadly) is not statute of limitations on grief -- it can pop back up in your life at any time, and it will last as long as it lasts.  I asked a lady I saw briefly for counseling, "How long will this last?"  She said, "It lasts as long as it lasts.  Don't worry about how long it will last."  So I don't worry about that anymore.  I really don't worry about anything related to my grief.  My grief is my grief and no one else's.  No one can make it suddenly go away.  No one can really make it any easier.  No one can carry it for me.  I have no idea if any of this makes any sense to anyone reading this or if it helps anyone, but it's my story.  I hope there's something in it that helps someone.  Again, I would love to hear your story.  I will say this, that with your husband possibly committing suicide, that does complicate your grief.  Suicide by a loved one is one of the hardest things to recover from.  I have another friend who I met here on BI whose husband committed suicide.  It's been a very hard walk for her.  I don't know if you've checked out the suicide survivors thread, but you might look at that one, too.  Blessings, ~Oneta