New to loss

[genevieve]

Diana, thanks for telling us how long it might take--I have been feeling so bad about not dreaming about Nick or feeling that he's around--it has been tearing me up how abandoned I feel, even though I know it wasn't his choice to leave. He's been gone a month and a week, and it seems to be getting harder and harder. While people are around, I can function, but when I'm alone for a second, it all hits me. My brother came to stay for a week while I have a break between terms, and just listening to him calling his wife to check in made me have to leave the room. Just watching couples together hurts. I know I'm not the only one, and thanks for posting and letting me know that others feel the same way.

[bettespaghetti]

It's been a while since I posted.  I avoided/escaped/disassociated as I have with everything else in my life, and then everything hit the fan.  I miss him so much.  Reminders of any time bring on tears still. 

I have started counseling recently as his loss shook up soo much else, I've been a mess.  Please tell me eventually it does not hurt so much.

Hope everyone else is doing as well as can be expected.

Hugs.

Bette

[gone4evr]

Bette,

     It has been 7 months now.  Like you, I still have periods of tears.  I think the difference is, the periods last for moments instead of hours and even days.  I still miss my husband horribly.  I dread all the firsts, like birthdays, family events, holidays.  I have completely given up on most extended family events because I can't take the look or comments of pity.  I hate it when someone feels sorry for me and my child.  Overall, we are doing ok, but I'm not going to say we are doing wonderful.  I keep wondering how long this is going to last.  My husband's niece asked me the other day "when you get married again, will you still be my aunt."  I just hugged her and told her I would always be her aunt.  My husband's family has come around and are somewhat supportive.  My parents are still standing firmly beside me and are always there to pick up the pieces.  My mom's health is suffering right now, so I spend a lot of time with her trying to get her on the road to recovery.  One of my friends is dying of pancreatic cancer and is expected to live only two more months.  That is really hurting right now since she has been like a second mother to me since I was a teen.  She was hesitant about telling me that she was dying and finally her son called me and told me.  I made a quick trip down to see her and expect I'll be running up and down the state for the time being.  It just seems like someone opened up the heavens and all this bad luck is dumping on me.  I will be so glad when this year is over with.  Someone told me "God only gives us what we can handle"  If that's the case, he has a little too much confidence in my abilities!"  My doctor asked me to rate my stress level on a scale of 1-10, I told him 100!!!!  I am still working part time and going to school full time and starting my internships.   What does he expect???  Death seems to surround me right now.  I just want some degree of normalcy in my life and unfortunately there isn't anything normal right now.  Did I tell you I MISS MY HUSBAND.  He' would be picking up the pieces for me right now and handling everything I cannot.  Can anyone tell me, when does this get better??   On a strange note, I did get asked out on a date by one of my husband's friends.  I told him I was flattered, but not ready yet.  I still wear my wedding ring (mostly because I can't get it off my finger).  People are constantly telling me how much they admire my strength.  Maybe I should put myself in running for best actress at the Academy Awards!  So that's my life in a major nutshell.  Hang in there Bette, we will pull through this.  I just don't know when!!! 

Sandy

[bettespaghetti]

I so hear where you are coming from.  My boyfriend passed away, I got rear ended, my son broke an ankle, then the boys' dad whom I haven't heard from in years (he gave up custody of one and lost the other) contacted me...now I suffer PTSD, depression and eating disorders (some related to his death, some due to past trauma).  I'm a wreck.  I too keep being told that same phrase or that He thinks we're extra special and can handle it, but I tell you if that's the case why am I now in therapy and having anxiety attacks in the grocery store?

I live across the country from family and he had lived out of state so there aren't as many reminders for me, but the ones there are are sooooo very difficult.  This time last year he was asking me if I wanted to opt out as his heart had been acting up.  Silly him.  I loved him dearly even then and there was no way I was going anywhere. 

I am hoping it gets easier for us both, but like you I have no idea when.

Hang in there too!

[alwaysalone]

It has been forever since I posted - the summer has been so crazy with the kids. I start taking the boys to school this week (my daughter went back early).  For the first time in 23 years I will be on my own.  This was supposed to be our time.  We had plans to travel and were looking forward to me having no day to day responsibilities (besides work). It's now just going to be empty time. My therapist is having a stroke that I haven't 'scheduled' my free time after the kids are gone.  She doesn't get it that I don't care.  It's been 4 months, but it might as well have been yesterday.  The periods of intense grief are shorter, but no less severe.  I just miss him always....

Kate

[bettespaghetti]

I guess I am fortunate in some ways.  I have three kids at home and work full time.  My BF and I didn't live together either.  We'd been together over a year, but both were willing to take time and not rush things.  It's been 3 1/2 months now, but still hurts so much.  The tears don't last as long, and aren't as frequent, but are still pretty intense.  I miss him so much.  He was the one I turned to to share everything, good bad or otherwise.  It's been really tough without him and his loss stirred up so much other stuff.  I keep wanting to share it with him and get his advice and support and it strikes all over again he's not here   I'm told it gets easier...when?

[gone4evr]

I find the busier that I am the happier that I am.  I have had numerous voids that I have had to fill.  Sometimes just walking the beach or watching a sunset helps.  I try to make special times for myself, like a trip to the beauty salon for a manicure.  Sometimes I just need that extra pampering.  Overall, my days are filled with work and college (I am working on my Master's degree).  My evenings are filled with my child when he is home.  He spends a lot of time with his cousins and grandparents.  When I am alone, I find projects that need to be done and I work at them.  Right now I'm painting the house.  I fall apart when I am not busy.  I find that even when I am busy I still think about him, but for some reason it doesn't seem to bother me as much.  I cry more often when I'm driving home from work, since that was the time we spent talking to one another on the phone.  That was when we caught each other up on our day.  Usually when we were home together our focus was on our child and having fun.  So the phone was our big stress reliever.  It has been 7 months.  Give yourself time.  This is so fresh for most of you and the reality hasn't sunk in.  You probably find yourself wishing, or hoping that this is a bad dream and you will wake up and everything will be ok.  It doesn't feel real at your stage.  You are still in shock.  It will get better, but you also have to take care of yourselves.  Change comes slowly and with time the pain does start to ease.  hang in there

Sandy

[genevieve]

Sandy, I know what you mean. My partner of 9 years died suddenly 3 months ago, and the only way I have been able to function is to go back to work and take any hours going, attend any conferences or workshops offered and to generally just focus on keeping busy. When I'm alone, I fall apart, so I try to have things to do.

I'm a little worried now because I have 5 weeks off until the new term--I am visiting my family for a week (they live on the opposite coast) and trying to put together projects. I haven't been in this city long, and 4 out of the 5 friends I have are gone for the summer. I've started going to a therapist, so maybe this will help. Maybe it's better just to stop being busy and try to work it out? I don't know...

genevieve

[eriksgirlforever]

i wish i knew when it got easier too.  every day i'm in the house we lived in that my kids won't leave because they want his memories... every day i wear something of his even if its his body spray.  my daughter doesn't understand why she can't have a daddy anymore and why hers had to go to heaven.  i sleep no more then 3 hours a day, i have become violent to others if they say anything bad about him, i throw up and have stomach pains 24/7...God help me and my kids because it just seems to get harder and harder not easier on me.  the thought of dating is devastating because who can compare to your soulmate?  the one who knew everything about you and loved you anyways...the one who was your world.  i can't fathom it and people don't understand that...they seem to think i can just cry and scream and it'll be ok.. but i'm the one here alone with out him he wasn't supposed to die at 26. we were supposed to get married this year.  this life without him isn't a life at all. its pure hell.

 

[cheryl36]

Ericsgirl:  I don't know you or your situtation very well, but your last entry I just had to respond to.  My name is Cheryl and I lost my husband (which was 38) on November of 2004 to brain cancer.  Our lives were perfect until that time came.  I had to take care of him (I was his only caregiver) and manage to run our company and raise 3 kids, two of which were teenagers.  I put my heart and soul into this man, and took the very best care of him and never slept.  I had no time to even grieve.  That was almost 4 years ago.   Now I don't see things the way I did back then.  Don't get me wrong I still have my days were I just want to be alone and cry, and not a day goes by I don't think of him and what would have been for us.  My plan after he passed was to finish raising our kids and join him!  But since then I don't feel that way anymore.  I find that keeping myself busy and going back to school and finding me, and learning about me is a full-time job in itself.  Please hang in there and I know you've heard this, and it seems like an old cliche, but it is very true.  Everyone grieves differently, and you are no exception to that rule.  Give yourself time and space and be gentle with yourself.  Take care of yourself.  And above all take good care of your babies!  They need you, and you need them!   Time is precious and it works both ways,  it can be your enemy in the begining, and then it becomes your friend.  You will never forget, but at the same time, you will look back and see all the wonderful memories you both had shared together.  May God Bless You and Yours.....Cheryl

[gone4evr]

I agree with Cheryl.  You need to be strong for those little ones, they need you now.  My husband died in January of this year, he was 43.  We had been married only 8 years when he went out to play basketball and never came home.  My husband had a heart attack while playing ball.  He never knew what hit him.  It was sudden and over with.  With him went all of our dreams.  I will be the first to tell you the first 7 months were absolutely miserable.  I missed him terribly.  I cried all the time.  I still do.  The pain was incredible.  Every day gets a little easier though, the pain is replaced with positive memories if you let them come.  Time has a way of healing what we are feeling, if you let it.  Your babies need you.  I have a five year old.  He is suffering just like I am.  He lost his father, just like your little ones.  The hardest part for them is they don't understand and I think they don't know how to help themselves heal.  That's where you come in.  You are their mother, you need to be spending lots of time with those little ones sharing the positive memories.  I agree with Cheryl, right now you need to take the time and focus on yourself and on those little ones.  I went back for my master's degree a week before my husband died.  I almost gave it all up.  I am ever so grateful that my father wouldn't let me drop out.  I'll admit, it was tough, but it was enough of a distraction to keep my mind busy.  I recently started a healthier lifestyle.  I try to exercise 30 minutes 5 days a week, I watch what I eat and I am even taking a yoga class.   As selfish as this sounds, I see it as taking care of myself so my little one has his mother.  I also started a journal for all of my feelings, and trust me, I have pages where I just scribbled.  You could see the anger in what I wrote.  Getting it down on paper really helps!  Besides, you don't lose friends that way either!  Those are just a few things that I do and I am starting to feel better.  Will I start dating?  Probably not, but I also don't feel the need to date.  I dearly loved my husband.  I can't imagine just jumping into another relationship.  Besides, I need to take care of myself.  I need to learn how to love myself, flaws and all.   I need to learn who I am once again.  I have been part of a couple for a lot of years (we were together a total of 16 years), I need to learn how to take care of myself and my child for a while.  When I feel emotionally and mentally whole again, then I may consider it.  But for now, I have a lot of re-learning to do.  Keep coming here.  Everyone here knows what you are going through.  Hang in there I promise, it will get better. 

Sandy

[mysterydust]

:(Hi everyone My story is not all that different than yours. My Husband died on Sept 3rd in a violent train accident  so I think at times im at the disbelieve stage He had a passanger at the time but he survived ,we run our own business and this other family has come at me for his pay etc and my husband has not been gone long I think of them as vultures which I know is a terrible thought . This same person that is slightly hurt called me today for money and tried to tell me the details and wants his money . He says that life goes on and says that if he can surive that he can survive anything . MY question is? Are most people incensitive or is it just his family.

Thanks Mysterydust

[bettespaghetti]

I'm sorry for your loss and it is so new and fresh.  I don't think people realize how insensitive they are being.  On the other hand, sometimes it's easier to act as though nothing has happened, sort of numb yourself in order to go on with each day.  Maybe that's what they're doing?  There's something called survivor's guilt and the one who is still there is probably trying to distance himself from the events and go on.  That makes it harder on you as this was your life partner.  Just do the best that you can.  There are no magical words or deeds to do to make it any easier.  Just know you aren't alone as all of us here have lost the ones we loved as well.

Wishing you peace and comfort as you go through this. 

Hugs,

Bette

[gone4evr]

Mysterydust,

     For the next few months you are going to be in disbelief and in a very deep fog.  At this stage in the grieving process it is wise not to make any important decisions, that you may later regret.  At this stage, insensitive people may try to take advantage of you, especially as a business owner.  Is there a business partner?  If not, how about your attorney or accountant.  Before you make any decisions about paying or not paying, you need to consult one of them first.  You need to find someone that you trust to help you out right now.  Make sure it is someone that has your best interest at heart.  The man in question, was very lucky.  You would think that he would be a little more sensitive to your plight since he was with your husband when he died. 

     At the same time, I understand his situation as well, I'm sure with him being off work he is probably needing some income.  Does he qualify for disability.  When my husband died I was not compensated for lost hours of working.  I got his paycheck that was due to him up until his death and health insurance for 3 months for both myself and my child.  To be honest, I was grateful for the insurance. 

    Years ago, I was injured at work and I don't remember getting paid, except for the time that I worked.  I did get disability.  So, I guess if you were to pay him, I would pay him what is owed from work up to the point of the accident, and then ask your accountant and attorney about further compensation.

     To be honest, it has been 8 months since my husband died.  I still have periods of total disbelief.  My biggest piece of advice is not to make any major decisions right now.  While I am now making my own decisions, initially I relied upon my family 99% (the 1% was the decision to get out of bed in the morning, which was about all I could handle initially).  It took a good 6-8 weeks before the fog started lifting and I was able to think a little more clearly.  I still consulted my father on major purchases or decisions probably right up until 5 months.  Give yourself some time, be patient with yourself. 

     We are all here for you.

Sandy

 

[mysterydust]

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding this makes the world of difference as I did think he is in shock but that will remain to be seen . I keep to myself mostly except when I'm doing business or driving my school bus and I am trying to change a few little things especially on Sat mornings as that was our time . Knowing I have all of you is important.

                     Thank you

                        Mysterydust

[bettespaghetti]

Try to keep busy but allow yourself time to grieve.  I know Saturdays are still hard for me as that was our day together as well.  It's been 4 1/2 months now.  It does get a little easier, but you still feel the loss.  Surround yourself with supportive caring people during those days if you can.  Don't be afraid to reach out.   Don't try to hold it all in. 

Wishing you peace and comfort.  Know we are all here for you.

Hugs,

Bette

[gone4evr]

I agree with Bette.  The last thing you want to do is close yourself off.  Right now you need all the support you can get.  Find yourself a good bereavement support group.  Keep coming here as well.  This place was my lifeline for the first few months. 

At times I found it difficult to be around people who had never experienced the loss of a spouse.  I was fortunate, people started falling into my life at the right time.  The funeral director was a friend of ours and he contacted a couple people my age that he knew that had lost their spouses.  Having them around really helped.  We would meet for coffee or just talk on the phone.  When I had a really tough day, they would pop in and just talk. 

I found that people that haven't experienced what we have gone through, tend to want to fix the problem or they want us to be better quicker than we can.  My own aunt came up to me three months after my husband died and told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, enough was enough!  Another aunt told me two weeks after my husband had died to just get over it.  Not going to happen!!!  It takes time to heal these types of wounds.  Grief doesn't go away, because we want it to.  We have to work through it at our own pace.  Sending you a big hug!

Sandy

[mysterydust]

:(Hi This is mysterydust It is my anniversary this Sept 15th too I have to go do contracts tonight as Den is not here to run this buisness . Sometimes I dont want to but I cant let this die too, that would be the last straw as he spent yrs building it the least I can do is run it It helps reading what you have to say though

                                                                          Thanks

                                                                Mystery dust

[bettespaghetti]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry.  You're doing great with trying to keep things going.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Do little things for you.  You may feel like you're in a fog, but eventually it does clear.  Holding you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing you so much peace and comfort.

Big heartfelt hugs for you,

Bette

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947