New to loss

[alwaysalone]

Sandy,

I know how you feel about the medical profession.  I had Doug in the Emergency room the Friday before he died and they sent him home.  They gave him Avelox for a probable pneumonia which has significant cardiac side effects.  With his history, he should have been on something else.  I was too tired at 3am to remember that little factoid and I'm not sure it did have some bearing on his untimely death.  I'd like to think that we are better practitioners for our experiences, but right now, I'm a little jaded.  It's hard to care like I did because next to Doug's death, everything else seems trivial.  Maybe it will just make us more vigilant for the other's in our life.

Kate

[armaiti]

Sandy, I know how you feel about not wanting to be with someone else.  It always makes me furious when somebody tells me "oh, you'll change your mind in a couple of years".  I wasn't looking for Ishaq when we got together either...I had just gotten out of a seven year relationship and wanted to have some time on my own.  Ishaq moved in as my roommate, and within one month we were partnered and inseperable for the next ten and a half years.  I can't imagine being with another man. 

[gone4evr]

We had a friend that is single.  He use to come up and go fishing with my husband and stay with us.  I have known him since I was a teenager.  He was like a big brother to me, he is four years older than I am.  I knew this guy had a crush on me in high school, but I liked his best friend.  I saw him as a brother, a confidante.  When I married my husband, he and my husband hit it off, so he just stayed in our lives.  He has been an uncle to my son.  He was part of our family, there was never any attraction, well maybe there was between my husband and him-- long comical story.  No, my husband was not swinging both ways, these two just acted like they were attracted to one another to embarrass me and this guys girlfriend at the time.  Both guys had a wonderful sense of humor and played off one another.  They were closer than brothers. 

 Unfortunately, now that my husband has passed away, I get the impression that he thinks he is going to fill my husband's shoes someday.  He is constantly calling me to see how I am doing, how my son is, if we need anything...  I care for this guy as a friend, a big brother, but there is no attraction.  I want to keep his friendship, but I don't want to give him any wrong ideas.  I could never be attracted to him.  I want him to find a nice woman, but I don't want to be that woman. 

 I want to have time to focus on my career, to travel with my son, to take care of myself.  I need time to heal.  How do I gently let this guy down?

Sandy

 

[alwaysalone]

Sandy,

You need to let him know that you are still reeling from your loss and that the work of going through this grieving process takes every once of your energy and consumes your thoughts when you are not busy.  This doesn't leave any room for including anyone else in your life.

 I can't believe how consuming this process is and I think you're in a similar place.  I am so tired of the expectation that we move forward when it's all we can do to hold on to where we are.

We need to set boundaries with these 'well wishers' trying to make sure we're getting better.  Getting better is bull****. If anything, these quiet times after the initial insanity are much worse. We have to do the day to day for our kids when we don't want to get out of bed. I just want the world to go away and leave me alone.  How about you?  I think sometimes we just need to tell people straight out - unless you've done this, you can't possibly imagine what it's like.  They don't understand when they're not being helpful even though they mean well.

Kate

[gone4evr]

Kate

     I know how you feel.  I hate when people come to my door anymore because they are all pushing me to feel better, to move on.  That life goes on, why waste time grieving over my husband because it won't bring him back.  I hate that.  My father keeps asking me why I go to the cemetary because it keeps bringing me down further.  Everyone keeps telling me it's time to move on, that my husband wouldn't want that.   He would want me to move on, to live life.  But I don't know how.  I don't know how to live without him.  I forgot how.  I feel like a part of me has died right along with him.  Don't get me wrong, I have moved on.  I get up every morning!  I am going to school.  I go to work.  I am raising our son.  I don't know what more they can expect.  I met a young woman, whose boyfriend died in August, his plot is right behind my husband's plot.  We talked for a while.  She said someone told her that the grieving process takes 1000 days.  If that's the case, then I still have a lot of time left. 

Sandy

[alwaysalone]

Sandy,

I'm at the point where if one more person asks me how am I doing, I'm going to scream! Literally! It was exactly one month yesterday, also coincindently my twins 18th birthday. I am dreading the family gathering tomorrow for their birthday because I can hear it already! I always said I never got Mother's Day because it was so close to the twins' birthday that it got overshadowed. Doug always made sure we did something just for me (and dragged the kids into it). Without him here, I'm back to just another day I have to do for everyone else.

I would sell my soul right now just to feel his arms around me, giving me that safe, secure, loved feeling again.

Kate

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Sandy,

You are right about people thinking that it is time to start moving on.  I can't even begin to count how many times I run up against that.  I have even had people try to compare their loss of a relationship through divorce with the loss of my husband through death that one is a hard one.  Im sure they grieve the loss of that relationship the one upside is that the person is still living.  I told my mother yesterday that the feelings of my husbands loss will remain with me until my day comes whenever that may be.  I'm sure the pain will eventually ease with time. I will continue to live my life and try to be strong for my son and daughter and honor my husbands memory everyday any way that I can.  

I still go to the cemetary for my weekly visit.  His headstone was set this last Wednesday.  Yesterday I just sat there with the breeze blowing and the sun starting to set looking at his picture that I had put on the headstone.  I felt so close to him. 

Just thinking about you.

Denise

 

[alwaysalone]

Denise,

You are so right about the difference in the loss. I've done both now and as bad as my divorce was, it doesn't even compare! I still have my ex as a target to hate, but I don't have Doug to look at or hear or touch.

Happy Mother's Day to everybody. It'll be so hard to get through a day that our spouse's/sign. others used to celebrate with/for us. My kids are old enough to do something on their own, and have sent me a gift certificate, but I know they are only doing it because Doug taught them it was important - they never learned it from their father. I'll miss him singing his silly made up Happy Mother's Day song in the morning in that awful singing voice of his - the effort and thought were always so sweet.  Be good to yourselves friends

Hugs

Kate

[gone4evr]

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Try to find something special to commemorate being a Mom.  My little one, with the help of my father, made me a bird house for Mother's day.  He was so funny today.  Mom, guess what I made you.  Of course I guessed all the wrong things.  Suddenly he blurted out "Mom, it's for the birds."  My dad just laughed and said "That was suppose to be a secret"  My little one then giggled and said "Oh I forgot".  

Like all of you, I would give anything to feel my husband's arms around me just one more time.  To hear him laugh.  To just feel safe and secure and loved. 

Try to make tomorrow special for your children and yourselves. 

Happy Mother's day, my new friends.

Sandy

 

[gone4evr]

I know what you mean.  It frustrates me when divorced women tell me how lucky I am.  That death is so much better than divorce.  WHAT???  Are they nuts?   I lost the love of my life.   How could anyone think death is a better solution?  This is the father of your children.  There had to be some love there at some point in time.  At least your child has a father, even if he is a deadbeat.  Our children are now fatherless.  I have a 5 year old, with no father.  Even after I get past the grieving process, I can't imagine ever marrying again.  I think I would be afraid of what is out there.  Listen to the news for one week!  If that's not enough to scare a person, look around.  I want my husband back!

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

Happy Mother's Day to all of you. 

Another first w/o him.  My son and daughter are very special to me.   I am blessed to have two wonderful children.  They did their best to carry on the traditions that their father started and it means so much.  I sure did miss him cooking breakfast and having the kids serve me in bed.  It always made me feel special.  

My husband used to like to sing silly little songs too.  He would try to do his Elvis voice and always made me laugh.  Like your husband Kate mine did not have a singing voice which made it that much funnier.  He did have a very nice voice for normal conversation though.  That was one thing that attracted me to him.

Thinking of all of you.

Denise

[Guest grievingperson]

Sandy,

You are so right about it being scarry out there.  The thought of dating again someday is very frightening.  Everyone says that oh you're very young, you will find someone again.  That is to hard to even imagine. 

For now I'll just keep focused on my children and try to heal.

Sounds like you are having a good Mother's Day.  The bird house sounds neat.  I remember when my son was 5 years old.  He is 16 now and taking drivers education.  Time goes by so quickly.  Cherish him as long as you can.

Have a nice day.

Denise

[gone4evr]

Happy Mother's day,

     My husband couldn't hold a tune either.  He had a wonderful sense of humor.  Once he got me laughing he would just continue his antics until it began to hurt.  I remember once how he had me laughing for 45 minutes straight.  Mother's Day was nice, but still not the same.  My husband always use to fix me breakfast in bed, he and our son would be planning this for days, how they could surprise me and make the day special. 

     I hate all these first's.  It is so difficult trying to be upbeat.  I keep telling myself that I have to do it for my child.  I don't want him to remember his early years with a crying mom.  I try to find something fun every day. 

     Have a great week.

Sandy

[laquinn]

I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day!

I remember the times that after our kids moved out he would let me sleep and fix breakfast and then come in and wake me up with whatever he fixed. He also could not sing but boy he tried. My kids this year asked what I wanted and I told them nothing they could give me would make me more happy then what they have already given and done for me the past 7 months.But my youngest still went and got me flowers like his dad used to and brought them to me last night at work.  Wow instead of saying weeks I went to months.

Talking about "dating Agin" my sister kinda made me mad a few weeks after he died. She said well I lost dave and it is hard but one day I will be ready to move on but not yet. but she divorced him it is not the same at least she can still see him if she wanted too. Me I have to look at pictures or go talk to him at the cematary. NOT THE SAME AT ALL!

Have a good rest of the day Lela

 

[rodless]

A note on the divorce/death debate.... I have experienced both and I found the divorce to be worse. 

[Guest grievingperson]

I guess unless you have walked in someone elses shoes it"s really hard to say.  Having grown up in a divorced family I know the pain of a family torn apart.  However, my father is still living and I am able to call him, visit whenever I want.  He attended my High School Graduation, my wedding was there for the birth of my children.  Unlike my own children, my daughter 19 almost 20 he will never be there for her college graduation or have her father there to walk her down the isle some day.  My son 16 will soon be driving his dad won't be there to show him the ropes of driving or maintaining his car.  He won't be there to cheer his son on as he graduates from High School in two years.  He will never be here to see his grandchildren some day, he and I will never get to live our dreams of spending more time together after the kids move away from home.  We are thankful to have the years with him that we did but, there was so much more.

That's just my take on it.  I know everyones situation is different.

 

[rodless]

This is what I wrote on a thread elsewhere on this site last December. Maybe it will explain my personal experience:

"I have been divorced for a little over 24 yrs. It was the most dehabilitating life experience I've ever had. I lost a person I loved. I lost my dignity and self-esteem thanks to his cheating. I lost my home. I lost my social network and I lost the security of having a co-parent for kids ages 4 & 6 as he moved 600 miles away. Also a secure income as I was a stay at home mom at the time. It took me 5 yrs, lots of counseling and support groups to get my life together again. Even after all this time I can remember the thoughts of suicide and the terrible anger followed by depression. Later I was blessed to find the true love of my life (who had been through a similar diivorce) and discover that a good marriage is all about. For me the divorce was much worse that being widowed because Rod would never have left me if he could have found a way to stay and I was able to maintain most of my lifestyle. BUT I know everyone's story is different...it depends of who wants out of a marriage and why."

As a postscript today, I would add that I loved my ex-husband (at the time) and thought I would never find anyone right for me again. Maybe having my world fall apart once and putting it back together prepared me when it blew up again in July 2006. A lot of the coping skills I was taught then came back...journaling, screaming into a pillow, letting the tears loose. So maybe I walk the path in better shape than others even though it hurts like hell and once again I can't imagine ever being happy.

I am lucky to have a group of 5 wonderful friends, 2 are widowed, 3 are divorced and I have a foot in both camps. We do all kinds of things together and face similar problems with kids, living alone etc. etc. The ones who are widowed can understand and empathize with the ones who lost their husbands another way. The divorced ones think we widows are so blessed to have had the experience of being happily married.

I guess the road runs both ways. Life just sucks sometimes doesn't it???

Mary Jo

 

[rodless]

Sorry...one more thought. Just because a child has a living dad doesn't mean they have one who is there to do dad things like being at a wedding or teaching them to drive. My ex was fairly decent to the kids although living so far away he was never around much. But I have a friend whose ex lives in the same town and wanted nothing to do with his kids. Didn't even care to see them. Those kids had a world of hurt.

I really do understand all that has been said here and I don't want anyone to think I'm being argumentative. Just hoping you'll understand why a divorced person might say some of the things they do. Pain is pain.

MJ

[gone4evr]

In all actuality it makes sense.  My husband didn't leave me because he wanted to leave, he left because he didn't have a choice.  I can see how it would be hard to be walked out on or to have your husband leave you for someone else.  It makes sense.  It would be quite devistating to the ego to think you weren't good enough (not that this is a true statement) like most women would think was the case.  My cousin said, it would have been easier to have lost her husband to death rather than over another woman.  She says seeing him every other weekend, when he picks up the kids, with her in the car hurts a whole lot.  I guess the benefit is I don't have to share my child with another woman and I don't have to see my husband happy when I'm not.  It would have been real painful to see him with someone else, not that it would have ended that way. 

Right now, it just hurts like heck. 

My closest friends are no longer coming around or calling.  My dad says they are staying away because they are afraid to hurt me or to remind me of what they have, that I lost.    I have called them, but they never return my calls.  Great friends !  Strange thing is as awkward as it is for them to be around "the widow" it would just be nice to have a normal conversation that doesn't revolve around my husband's death.  What I wouldn't give to have some normalcy return to my life instead of the sadness and lonliness.  I am fortunate though, I have all this time to spend with my child and we are having an absolute ball. 

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

I guess what I was trying to say is that it probably is better not to down play someones feelings/pain by saying that their divorce was worse than my losing my husband suddenly in an automobile accident.  Especially when I was there for them during their rough times.   Everyones situation is differnent and nobody really knows how the person feels unless they have been in that persons shoes.  I would never try to minimize their feelings intentionally.  We just need to be there for each other and listen and support the person in whatever their situation might be and not try to minimize or down play things, basically just be understanding. 

Hope that makes sense. 

I have one friend that will go weeks before she returns my call.  I can't figure that one out.  She and her husband used to do things with my husband I.  Now I really don't see them.  They just live on the next street over.  Strange.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[rodless]

I'm not sure people mean to ignore us. They have gone on with their regular lives and can't identify with our situations. I think sometimes they are uncomfortable because they don't know what to say and in some cases are afraid (even if they don't realize it) that it could happen to them.  And until they have been here they won't understand the loneliness and the pain of going from married to single. Hang in there.  It does get better as time goes on and you find different friends who are more in tune with where your're at.

[robinann202]

Yes, I have been reading through these post from all you wonderful people.  People who never went through a loss as great as we did, truely do not understand.  The people who take the time to just listen or offer a encouraging word--or thought-are the ones who really understand.  Some friends that i have been close to for years have no clue, they never loss like that and dont know what to do or say.  I really didnt understand that until it actually hit me.  The best advice, listener is one who knows exactly what you feel or are going though, most of the time they have lost like you, its sad "society" is not understanding like us.  I have dealt with loss for a long time now, one after the other, not having time to heal or go through the grieving process for any of the losses-took me a long time to get where I am today.  I miss just as much as I did from the begining--it is the same--the pain is terrible, but I have learned to deal with it--you have too.  It does not get easier, you get use to--say--you deal.  I hope you all the best-and live your life, you only have one--this is it--go out and be and do what you want--live day to day.  One day we all will be re-united again with all of our loved ones.  Take Care all. Robin

[cmissingj]

I lost my husband of 19 years on March 1. I am having a hard time remembering our life together. It's not that I don't want to, or that it is too painful. It is like there is a wall up and the memories are all stuck behind the wall. Does anyone else feel like this? He was sick for a long time, and that I still am sorting all of that out and I think that might have something to do with it...

[Guest grievingperson]

I have a dear friend that lost her husband in January of this year to a 5 year battle with cancer.  She too mentioned that the memories before are hard to remember.  She has hit the 4 month mark and some of the old memories are starting come back little by little.  It is taking some time though.

[rodless]

The memories will come back. I went through that and thought I had lost all of them except for the horrible ones of Rod's last days. Was pretty distraught for awhile thinking I would never be able to visualize him as healthy and fun. Now I can almost play movies in my head of the good times. Maybe it's a protection device because at first when the happy memories came back it was REALLY hard to handle because they hurt so much. Now I find myself smiling most of the time instead of crying although there are still times when I lose it. All part of the process that we have to go through I guess. We don't have to like it, we just have to do it with as much grace and courage as we can find.

[alwaysalone]

I have the same issue with memories.  Everytime I think of him, all I can see is his face when I found him.  I have pictures all around my room, but all I see in my head is that awful look. I want to remember his smile and that twinkle in his eyes that I fell in love with.

Back to the divorce/death debate - my ex is still alive, lives less than 3 miles away and has no contact with the kids (his choice).  I think for them, death would have been easier. For me, death has been much worse. The divorce was incredibly painful, but I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I would learn to hate him (he made that easy). Losing Doug has placed this gaping hole in  my life and my future that I can't forsee being filled with anything but pain. It's like part of me being yanked out forcibly.

Kate

[gone4evr]

I think that is part of our brain's protective mechanism, it is temporary.  I lost my husband in January, at first it was a struggle to just get out of bed.  I couldn't think to save my life!  I was in this fog all the time and ever so numb.  My brain was gone, it went on a vacation for about the first 3 months.  I still get very absent minded at times but it is so much better now.  I now have little bursts of great memories.  I still see him laying on the gurney in the ER dead.  But, that memory is becoming a little easier to tolerate.  I am beginning to see the positive things about his death, like he died doing what he loved, it was sudden, there was no pain, he never knew what hit him, he didn't die here at home, he didn't die in front of our son, he was among friends who did everything possible.  I have resentment towards the clinic for not sending him on to a cardiologist, but I am coming to the conclusion that it wasn't their fault, it was the system's fault.  I still struggle when I go to the cemetary.  I have constant conflicts with his family but am learning to stand up for myself.  Right now I have very few dreams of my husband at night.  I can honestly only remember one dream with him in it so far.  I hope that this changes because he is constantly on my mind.  Like everyone, I have pictures all over the house of him and I talk to him all the time.  I have started making little changes in my life, to make life more convenient.  I still have his clothes hanging in the closet and I haven't touched his office yet, with the exception of things I needed.  I guess what I'm saying is be gentle with yourselves.  I pushed myself too hard in the beginning, by returning to work and college right away.  I struggled and I still struggle at times.  I think if I had been a lot easier on myself, it would have been better. 

Sandy

 

[cmissingj]

I am glad you mentioned absent minded. I am so bad lately. At first I didn't realize how bad. Then I saw how frustrated my daughter was getting w/ me because I couldn't hold anything in my head. Now I just apologize to people and tell them that I'm not all here right now. I had to go to our doctor's office about 3 weeks after Jon died. We've been going to the same office for 18 years and I had been going for him a couple times a month. Anyway, I went to the wrong building and wandered around the third floor wondering why my doctor moved and didn't tell me. When I realized what I had done, I was like "whoa, you are really not together here"!

-C

[gone4evr]

I still have a horrible time with absent mindedness.  I have good days and bad days all the time.  I have days where I feel like life is getting a little easier and then there are those days where I feel  like I was the worst wife in the whole wide world.  Today is especially tough.  I am back to feeling guilty that I missed symptoms.  As a nurse, I feel I should have been more in tune to the symptoms and every time I look back I remember something else that pointed to a problem.  I blame myself a lot.  I doubt my ability as a nurse.  My sister in law keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, but I still feel like I should have done something.  Like I should have strongly encouraged him to go to the doctor more often.  I knew his family history.  I knew his cholesterol was high and he wasn't watching his diet as well as he should have been.  I didn't know he had already had a heart attack when he was in his early 30's and to be honest I don't think he was even told.  I just feel like I should have pushed him a little harder to take care of himself better, but then I am reminded that I need to take care of myself too.  Something I haven't been doing lately.  I also have to remind myself that he was a 42 year old man, he was an adult, he needed to take the responsibility too.  It's just tough and every day I wish it would just go away and be easy.  I have constant reminders, from the principal at school who constantly refers to me as the grieving widow or going over to my in laws and my mother in law crying when she sees us.   Then there is the phone calls of solicitors asking for my husband.  It's just all around me and I don't feel like I can get away from it.

Sandy

 

[cmissingj]

Let go of that guilt. Yes, you are a nurse. Would your husband really wanted to have you treat him like a patient? You didn't see him that way, you saw your husband. The "what-ifs" will kill us, I am sure of that.

[gone4evr]

No he wouldn't have.  It's still just hard not to think I missed something.  It would be like a doctor that couldn't save his wife, he would feel horrible too.  It's just ingrained in us.   You think of all the people you save in your lifetime, why not your spouse?  My inlaws play a really big part in this guilt.  They keep asking what I missed and why did I miss it.  They keep asking me how a nurse could miss all the warning signs.  Well, basically because not all warning signs are evident all the time.  That is not a good enough answer in their eyes.  When I see them I always suffer from guilt for a couple days.  Unfortunately, I have to see them for my son's sake.  I can now stay away for a while.  I figure if they see our son once a month it will be the way it was when my husband was alive.

Sandy

[alwaysalone]

I'm still waiting for Doug's autopsy results, but I have this awful feeling in the back of my head that it was the antibiotic they put him on that killed him.  I kick myself for not questioning the choice, I should have remembered the high incidence of cardiac side effects. But, under the heading of 'everything happens for a reason', I stopped a GP from putting a patient on the same drug because of his cardiac history.  Maybe someone benefitted from this....

Kate

[bettespaghetti]

I am very new to this.  I lost my boyfriend unexpectedly on May 3rd.  He had sent me a txt message telling me he loved me just two hours before his oldest son called and told me he was at the hopital being worked on.  Within minutes he called back and said he was gone   I spent that entire weekend sobbing unctrollably.  Now I don't cry as much, but still cry often and unexpectedly and am finding it hard to find a way to deal with the gaps in my life he once filled.  The only other loss I had experienced that touched me was that of my grandmother 19 yrs ago.  Even that, though time has dimmed the memory of that pain, didn't seem to hurt as much as this.  I suffer much of what I have read here.  Absentmindedness, pain, grief, hurt, anger, extrememe sadness.  I know I have to get through this, but definitely some moments seem much easier than others.  Today has been a pretty sad day for me, though I don't know why....It still seems unreal.  I still look for his txt messages on my phone, I still look for his emails. (We lived two hours away from eachother so we used modern communication to fill in the gaps between times of seeing eachother).  I keep wondering if our age difference played a part in it all.  He was 6'7 and had two heart conditions.  He had said that everything was fine and under control and all, but his heart stopped suddenly that night.  I think, though I am not sure, from comments that he made that he didn't take his medications like he was supposed to. I'm 35 and he was 48.  I think he said something about it causing problems during intimacy.  I encouraged him to take the meds and not worry about the rest.  But thinking back to the comments he made about wanting me to be happy with him in every way and not wanting me to have any reason to look for someone new makes me wonder........I know I can't turn back the hands of time....I just hurts so much.....

[qubert]

I have not posted on this site in awhile, I am so sorry about your loss. My husband of 21 years died on December 29 2007 of a heart attack. We did not know he had any heart problems. I

[bettespaghetti]

It's understandable.  It took me two weeks to get up to being able to even try to find some sort of support.  Sure, my friends try to help, but never having lost the man in their lives it is very hard for them I think.  They do try, though, which is a blessing.  I don't think I would have made it this far without them.  However, I think I need to read/hear that what I am thinking, feeling, etc, is not uncommon and thus need to talk to others who are or have been where I am now.  It's sad that so many of us have lost our loves .....  Roger and I just been together just over a year, though he was the man I had waited my life to meet.  I never imagine our time together would be so short.  It's hard to imagine each day without him.

[gone4evr]

I am so sorry that you have to experience this.  You have officially joined a club that no one wants to belong to.  But know that this is probably one of the best places for you to come.  The people here truly understand what you are feeling.  Their advice is priceless, when you need a shoulder, they are here for you and when you need to vent, they listen without judgement.  You are going to have days when you feel fine and then there will be days when it is difficult to even get out of bed.  The foggy feeling and the numbness are all normal, it lasted about 6 weeks for me but I still get it from time to time.  Right now, be gentle with yourself.  My husband died 4 months ago, sudden heart attack while playing basketball, they were never able to revive him, he was 43.  Know that it does get easier.  I still have periods of time where grief is overwhelming, but for the most part I am doing much better.  Time heals.

Sandy

[bettespaghetti]

I am trying really hard to not let the grief overwhelm me.  I am a single mom of three children.  The two oldest, both boys, both have adhd.  One more hyper the other more attention deficit.  The oldest is 15, then 13 and my baby girl is 7.  I'm trying to be strong for them, but it is so hard most days.  Trying to act as if life just goes on when I feel his loss so deeply is sometimes soooo very hard.  I almost think it was easier to move on after my daughter's dad tried to kill me than it is after this.  I have only taken the day of his visition and the next for his funeral followed by the weekend off of work.  Though last Wednesday I left early.  On my way to work I was rear ended and then there's a bunch of garbage going on at work and it was all just so much that I couldn't stop shaking and crying.  I came home intending to take something for a migraine and rest, but of course that didn't happen.  Yesterday had been a little better.  But today I have sad and teary and have been crying tonight.  My closest friend and I went out last night, but my heart of course wasn't in it.  I feel guilty for being happy at times.  I would think if he wanted me happy while he was here with me that wouldn't change with his leaving.  I just don't know.  Are all these conflicting mixed up emotions normal?

[bettespaghetti]

I'm sorry.  It's hard to think, much less type in complete sentences and trains of thought..

[alwaysalone]

The trick I've found is to let the grief overwhelm you when it's safe so it's not as likely to when it's not. I am still reeling from my loss on April 9 - maybe because Doug's birthday is this Friday.  I get through the days sort of okay by letting my nights be totally f---ed up - I haven't slept all night more than twice in the past month.  I come here and read and post and try to remember I'm not alone in the world even though that's the way it feels. I'm a single mom too - although my kids are older (23, 20,18,18). My college kids are working on coming home for the summer and my teenagers are getting ready to graduate. So much to do and I just want to curl up and give up, but I keep going for them, just like I did when their father left.  I go through the gamut of emotions - right now the big swing is between angry and despondent. I have my job which requires me to be responsible and together - I am such a good actress, I should be on Broadway! It's not a day by day thing, it's a minute by minute - hang in there and hang on and when it's hardest, reach out.

Kate

[bettespaghetti]

I know I have to get it more together at work.  I work at the local welfare office and spend half my day doing detailed work and the other half working the reception window.  That's very hard to do if you can't stop crying.  I know, also, I don't want to feel this way, but more than that I don't want him gone!!!  Yes, there's some comfort in the fact that he had emailed me earlier in the day telling me how he couldn't wait to be with me the next day.  We exchanged txt msgs up to the final one saying he loved me and goodnight.  So, I know I was one of the final things on his mind when he left.  But that doesn't make him not being here any easier really.

My 13 yr old has an intestinal disease and is a bit developmentally delayed.  He took his loss pretty hard, but seems to be doing a bit better.  My older kids kinda kept a bit distant because I had dated a guy before Roger for over two years, who when we broke up didn't continue to be in contact with them.  I had said I would be fine with it, but he chose not to.  Then since the kids were present when my daughter's dad tried to kill me...well the allowing anyone close is rough for them..... My children are tough, but man it sucks that it had to happen like this.  I do try to hold it together because it's not their job to try to help put me back together, but sometimes I can't help the tears and it has just been over two weeks.  I am hoping it will get easier, but sometimes I sure don't see how that's possible.

I don't sleep much either.  Didn't too much before this, but even less now.  I had a complete hysterectomy in November and had lost a bit of weight, even more so over the past two weeks.  I have to force myself to eat for the kids because they've noticed and it worries them, but I really don't have too much interest in food....

I guess coming on here was my way of reaching out.  I know I have to be able to "live" not just exist, but trying to figure out how I have no idea where to begin.  So for now if I can at least get through the days even if it's moment by moment I hope the other will work itself out.  Again, I don't know. 

It's harder sometimes I think too because I live in Missouri and my parents are in Arizona and my brothers in California.  So being a one woman show already was tough, but trying to deal with traumatic things constantly on my own is too much...So this is my reaching out...

[bettespaghetti]

OH my goodness!!!!!  I hate the mood swings! I hate that he's not here!!  I hate that my teenage son spends hours talking to his girlfriend!!!!  Today it's all just so hard to take.  I resent it.  Maybe I shouldn't feel that way but I do.  It hurts.  I'll never hear Roger's voice again.  I'll never feel his arms around me.  Today has been awful and he's not here to turn to.......

[alwaysalone]

I know the touch thing is huge. I hate that I'll never feel his arms arms around me again. I have called his phone just to hear his voice on his message. Right now, at 3am, I can't figure out why I still have to be alive and in such pain without him. I keep hearing what doesn't kill us makes us stronger - i don't need to be any stronger, thank you very much.  I had for the first time in my life found someone who wanted to take care of me and now he's gone. The pain doesn't go away - it waxes and wanes.

[bettespaghetti]

I do so hate the cliche'd phrases.  You're never given more than you can handle.  The one you said as well.......argh!!!  It's not a comfort to hear those things.  I think I've survived more than my fair share of awful experiences, I didn't need to add another.  Like you, I didn't need or want to be any stronger either.  It was a really bad evening/night for me.  I cried my way through part of it.  A close friend lives across the driveway so I went over ther and talked and cried and laughed through tears for an hour and a half and felt a little more together afterwards.  My poor son.  How he must wonder what demon possessed his mostly "together" mom.  I told him I am trying, but unlike others who are allowed to fall apart, ,feel what they feel, grieve for a minute, I am all there is so I have to keep it together, get up and go to work because there are bills to pay, food to buy, etc and there's no one here to do it for me or to even help me.  I did assure him it's not his fault, and that I was merely trying to explain where my feelings and emotions were coming from, but sometimes it just sucks to be all there is sometimes and I am hurting deeply even if it doesn't always show.  I am praying for a better, less emotional day...

[Guest grievingperson]

I lost my Husband in an auto accident on Dec. 22, 2007 this week makes 5 months and I am trying very hard not to focus on it.  Like Sandy posted a few days back.  I feel like I have a few better days than bad ones.  Then there are days when it hits me from no where.  Yesterday was one of those days.  The afternoon went well for the most part.  I went to my grief support group and felt good when I left, went back to work and then home recieved a phone call that sent me backwards again.  I cried the rest of the evening.  Trying not to let my 16 year old son see me crying.  He has on a couple different occasions.  It is so very hard trying to be strong (especially where my son 16 and daughter 19 are concerned), work (and keep focused with a clear head) and take care of all of the financial obligations, closing joint accounts or having to remove his name from things etc. just to overwhelming some days.  I to get very absent minded and have even started appologizing for it. It is so frustrating, I used to have a really good memory and was normally a fairly organized person.  My spelling has really gone down hill too.  I try to just take each minute or hour as it comes.  It's too much sometimes to look or plan beyond that.  I am greatful to have a place to come where others sadly understand all of this. 

Denise

[gone4evr]

I know this sounds cliche, but it really does get better with time.  You have to let yourself feel that pain and shed those tears.  Talking about it helps a lot.  Sadly, you will find out who your true friends are now.  They'll be the ones that stand by you and listen and listen and listen!!!  They'll have the kleenex box ready and either a cup of tea or a glass of wine waiting when they see you coming up the walkway.  Their door will always be open.  Your not so true friends will avoid you like the plague and that is sad, but you will know who your true friends are by their staying power.

I still cry a few times every day.  Doesn't last as long, usually just a few minutes.  Something will remind me of him and I'll start crying but then I also smile too.  It still hurts like heck!!!  It probably will for a very long time, but the pain is different.  It's a different type, it's more of a loss than a shock.  But I don't feel like it preoccupies my every thought like it did.  Give yourself time. 

It is ok also to cry in front of your children, it gives them permission to cry too.  Sometimes kids think that they need to be strong because their parents are being strong.   Holding back emotions isn't good, you need to talk openly with your kids or they will look elsewhere for the emotional support that they need.  I'm not giving you permission to sob all the time, but you shouldn't hide it from your kids, they need to know it's ok to be sad and to miss their parent or whomever they have lost. 

Like all of you I miss my husband's big strong arms around me every day.  I felt safe when he was around even though he was a big pussy cat.   I miss his sense of humor.  I miss having someone to take care of the spiders!!!    I miss the phone calls in the morning to get me out of bed for work (he knew I hated the alarm clock).  I just miss his voice.  I miss the smell of his cologne.  I miss our dates.  I miss watching him play tag in the yard with the neighborhood children or the water fights in the summer.  I miss having someone clean my car.  I miss his cooking.  I miss our date nights.  I even miss our arguments.  But at the same time, I also know he wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, he would want me to find happiness even if it's just in our memories.  He would want me to live on for our child and he would expect me to give our child the very best life I can give him, to be the best parent I can be even though it's without him. 

Hang in there.

Sandy

[bettespaghetti]

This forum, though a sad club to be a part of is also such a blessing.  It's hard for others to really relate when they haven't experienced the same thing.  Now Roger was my boyfriend for just over a year, but out of the men in my life, he was the one I'd waited my whole life for.  He was everything wrapped up in 6'7 of teddy bear.  We only had on argument in that year and it was very short lived.  I have more good memories.  It's heartwarming that his last thoughts, communications and feelings were full of love for me and the time he was looking forward to spending with me.  I want to be able to get through this.  I do want to live again.  I do know that he would want me happy.  I have many emails of him telling me so.  It's just hard sometimes since I just lost him to feature my life without him past today. 

I have hope that the pain diminishes with time and that what's left is fond memories and better person for having been loved by him.  Thanks for being here when it seems like no one else could possibly understand!

[gone4evr]

Just remember it's early in the grieving process , it's not going to go away for a long time, but I promise it does get a little easier as time goes by.  I have been crying off and on all night long.  I  haven't done that in at least 10 days, usually I get teary eyed for a couple minutes but not like tonight.  Do I know what triggered it?  No.  He just seems to be on my mind a lot today and I miss him.  But, I know in the morning it will be better, or at least I hope it will be.  It better be.  I have a major paper to write over the next two days, so I have to have a clear head.  Hang in there, come here often, be gentle on yourself.  We are here to listen.

Sandy

[bettespaghetti]

That's how I was yesterday.  I am not for sure what set it off.  I want to feel differently than I do but it seems like my emotions have a mind of their own.  I want to be able to go a day without crying.  Hopefully that day comes....I'll always have fond memories...not so fond memories and the treasure of having had his love, but I have to live again at some point.

Last night I found after talking to my friend that I did feel better and was able to sleep a couple hours.  I have found that talking about how I feel to someone who can relate, I mean really relate unfortunately helps. 

Hope your night gets better Sandy and that you feel much better in the morning....

[gone4evr]

Another horrible day.  This time it's a bill collector with more idle threats.  They are absolutley ruthless and heartless.  I don't usually lose my cool but this one really ticked me off.  I am so tired of harrassment.  Between the school principal that patronizes me all the time, bill collectors that aren't entitled to a dime, and the other parents at the school I just want to scream!  I had a mom actually put a pamphlet in my son's backback about dealing with divorce.  DIVORCE!  Like that is going to help.  Right now I would prefer to have been divorced, at least I'd have someone to take my anger out on!  I could just direct the bill collectors right to his door!  Oh and don't get me started on that word WIDOW.  Can't we change it to something else???

Sandy

[cmissingj]

I am reading a book called "Being a Widow" by Lynn Caine

http://www.amazon.com/Being-Widow-Lynn-Caine/dp/014013025X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211395805&sr=8-1

It is actually helping. There are so many things that are universal experiences...trouble sleeping, forgetfulness, confusion, "the crazies". She compiled this book after speaking to many, many, many widows. It makes me feel less crazy, guilty, nervous to know that a lot of this is "normal".

C