Insult to Injury

[enufalreddy]

I got up this morning in a pretty good mood.Nothing big going on. Then I saw my beta lying there deader than a doornail on the bottom of the bowl.Now you would think that a 55 year old adult could handle a damn fish kicking the bucket.But you know I feel devastated.I feel cursed.Like I shouldn't be allowed custody of any living thing.Stupid or what??????????Am I totally out of my mind???????It's a stupid FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But he used to cheer me up.Zipping around the bowl.Acting all ferocious when I tapped on the glass.It's like ever since I lost Walt I take every death personally.Anybody else feel like that?I'm not getting another Beta.I had 2 for a while.I lost the first one about a year ago.It's like every new loss just adds insult to injury.Like pouring salt in the wound.2 weeks until Walter's birthday.That is probably why I'm over emotional.But I can't even handle disposing of Sam right now.I'll do it later.

[angelzone]

[user=11409]enufalreddy[/user] wrote:

I got up this morning in a pretty good mood.Nothing big going on. Then I saw my beta lying there deader than a doornail on the bottom of the bowl.Now you would think that a 55 year old adult could handle a damn fish kicking the bucket.But you know I feel devastated.I feel cursed.Like I shouldn't be allowed custody of any living thing.Stupid or what??????????Am I totally out of my mind???????It's a stupid FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But he used to cheer me up.Zipping around the bowl.Acting all ferocious when I tapped on the glass.It's like ever since I lost Walt I take every death personally.Anybody else feel like that?I'm not getting another Beta.I had 2 for a while.I lost the first one about a year ago.It's like every new loss just adds insult to injury.Like pouring salt in the wound.2 weeks until Walter's birthday.That is probably why I'm over emotional.But I can't even handle disposing of Sam right now.I'll do it later.

You sound like an idiot.

[mikesmum]

[user=11409]enufalreddy[/user] - I don't think you are an idiot.  I am amazed at just how many things harmless enough, can bring me to a point of babbling idiot, with no reasoning ability whatsoever.

These feelings go along with the unexplainable overwhelming feelings of dread that can for no reason engulf me. 

While many may see the loss of a fish as being nothing to get emotional over, it isn't the loss of the fish, it is another loss that will hook into the emotional depths of everything you have experienced in the last 3 years.

When we lose someone we love in our life our entire core belief system is challenged, nothing is as it was nor will it ever be again.

Sorry about the beta, more sorry about your beloved son......Take care ... Trudi

[wyomingsal]

You are not an idiot for grieving.  I can't believe that was even said.  Knowing Walter's birthday is coming up increases the pain and grieving over his loss. Then to lose a fish that has been at least a little comfort to you during this time makes everything seem worse.  Hang in there and try not to let mean hearted comments get to you. 

Hugs

Sal

[angelzone]

[user=18451]wyomingsal[/user] wrote:

You are not an idiot for grieving.  I can't believe that was even said.  Knowing Walter's birthday is coming up increases the pain and grieving over his loss. Then to lose a fish that has been at least a little comfort to you during this time makes everything seem worse.  Hang in there and try not to let mean hearted comments get to you. 

Hugs

Sal

If I have learned one thing it's that after losing a child small losses pale by comparison and if I don't have a perspective on what is really important then the rest of my life will be filled with small disasters, which in my opinion is a waste of time. Life is way to short to be derailed everytime something doesn't go my way or turns out "bad." I understand that some people are upset over the loss of a fish but for me I am way past the point of losing it over things that I am so attatched to that are so less important than my family.

I didn't lose a son for nothing. I have learned a LOT and continue to grow in my understanding of this life and it's purpose. And my feelings about someone's loss of a fish is my right to express just as it is your right to critize me. I don't really care.   

My feelings are no less important than yours and you have no right to judge anyone except yourself. If you think there is a right and wrong way to think then perhaps you lack a bit of understanding and compassion yourself.

 

[mikesmum]

Once you have lost a child, it is true, much of the world seems insignificant, you have sustained the ultimate what else could there be.

But one thing I found is that loss, albeit not as significant as that of your child has the potential to tap into the overwhelming feelings already established in your heart.

I have been known to be a reasonably intelligent, articulate and level headed person. (not my opinion).  But after losing my son, something as simple as losing my dog, (bought after Mike died as a companion) sent me into the depths of the babbling incoherant fool.  The dog had only locked himself in the bathroom, going in investigating when the door closed. 

Please remember in this site, no one has the overall picture as to how we all grieve, what triggers our worst days or what can heal us.  The main thing here is, yes we have all lost, BI allows us to speak openly in a space where we are accepted, as opposed to the general outside world where understanding and compassion lessens after a time..................here you should be always able to come, share and learn.

Be kind to one another.........at times we are all we have

 

[caitsmom]

Dear parents,

Just thought I'd add, that I've had a similar experience. We received plants from friends and family as sympathy gifts. The thought and gesture is much appreciated. But, I've been very upset about two of them not surviving very well. My emotions are so raw that just a plant dying in my home is excruciating.

Wish all moms and dads much peace and love in our journeys of grief.

[enufalreddy]

That is basically what I meant by adding insult to injury.We are already walking around with our nerve endings on the outside and then the least little upset sends us into a tither.At least it does me.Not all the time...some days I am strong and able to stand up to what the world dishes out.Then for no special reason,or if it's moving in on an anniversary...I become miss crumble heart and the least little thing sends me spinning.I have no support at home.And people don't want to hear about it over and over.They don't understand and it's not their fault. But I need to vent.And I need to be able to talk about my baby.The people here understand...most do anyway.So I did flush the Beta and I will probably replace him.Nice thing about fish and plants...they  are easily replaced.I had that beta for about 2 years.I react the way I react.Our feelings are all mingled up with so much other stuff in our heads it's no wonder we seem a little off our nut every once in  a while.But only for an emotional overload moment.Then..all is right with the world and life marcheson.However weak I may feel after the fact for the rewounding that has occured.That too to resolve after a fashion.I am amazed at what the human spirit can endure and still function in a complex world.Very resilient creatures we are.Thanks Caitsmom and all for your support.

[mamabets]

For enufalready~ I think that losing Sam and grieving makes you  the special, dear LOVING person that I have known you to be in the past three years.

I am so glad that I have you in my life, and an idiot?? By loving a little fish that helped to cheer you up?

Hardly... You know you better than that, silly, and you know me...I LOVE YOU, and I was always under the impression that this site is for those who care about people's feelings, not those that do not... No one compares~ A loss is a loss, and however it makes you feel, and in what capacity, matters... Your feelings MATTER and please, should you have a plant looks a little droopy next week, come here and feel free to feel sad...

This site will aways be what it is, and warm hearts perservere!

Little Sarah's favorite movie is "The Little Mermaid", Erma...xo 

My sister was HYSTERICAL after losing her Beta...had him on antibiotics, and grew his little flippers to be "long and flowy". Her little Beta "blew her kisses", and fish have been known to be extremely calming to watch.

Good for you!!!

Bless you and for all of those sweet fish that need a loving place to call home.. May they swim their way right into your heart!! Maybe we can find a little girl Beta and name her ARIEL!!

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Enufalreddy, I am with you...  I could read right away into what you were sharing...  It wasn't about the fish so much as it was about feeling so comepletely overwhelmed that when anything at all representing death hits us (like what happened with the fish) it's like overloading circuits that feel likethey should have burnt out by now.  I'm so sorry you were overwhelmed like that.  I hope you are feeling more confident in trying a new fish.

I don't have any problem differentiating the priority of my son verses my dog, and losing my son was probably the most horrible event of my lifetime.  But my life isn;t over yet, so I'll pray that will be so, because surviving this is hard enough.  But I know I will be very sad when I lose my dog, and that will likely bring a deeper level of grief once again for my son...  a cycle that will probably go around and around for the remainder of my life as new life comes in and goes out before I do.  I don't think compassion is measured by how much you give pertaining to the level of loss.  I think it's more how much you give no matter the loss.  And I don't think anyone here is judging based on how to grieve or not to grieve proper.  It's just that calling someone an idiot for whatever reason seems so unneccessary......  We're all here because we're trying to deal with our grief...  and like Trudi said, sometimes we're all we have.

 

[mamabets]

For All~ We have 4 little dogs, ages 15 down to ten. Danny's loss has been a tremendous loss. Somehow surviving the impossible...

The thought of my dogs departing sends me realing even thinking about it. They try so hard to help!! They miss Danny too and they LOVE to cuddle with the quilt made from his clothes. Jackie and Julia moved to Chicago a year after this happened, and little Kiley snuggles on Julia's big, stuffed, Scooby Doo that she left here for him!!

As we have always felt here "Animals are people too"

Dean calls them our 16 little feet!!!

It's "Feeding time at the zoo!!!"

They follow me around, watch my every move, and one of them, Cody, even climbs into my lap and licks away my tears. Jackie taught this little dog how to "hug" many years ago, with Danny sitting right there. It was AMAZING!!! I got many pictures that day!!! Heidi "talks", Kiley "smiles", and Rosie is our "if we could bottle her happy and give it away for free, what a perfect world it would be" doggie...

I have told all of them, as they continue to live on and on and on, "Don't you DARE exit this place before me!!!"

I would be completely and utterly devastated if something happened to any of them. As I have posted on my refrigerator, a quote that says~

"My little dog...A heartbeat at my feet"

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[enufalreddy]

I spend way too much time self-analyzing sometimes.This incident with the fish and being challenged on my feelings about it has had me in a dither.Pretty much I've let go of the anger and hurt I had as a reaction to the idiot comment.But I still find myself thinking about "why so much to do over a fish?"Well,for one thing I had Sam for over 2 years.So we were close buds.I took pride in taking good care of him.I've had a string of deaths of friends and acquaintances lately.And Walt's birthday is coming up.I think the main reason I took it so hard is   because for me..for this month...it was the straw that broke the camel's back.I've felt for a long time now that certain experiences in my life have been so traumatic as to leave me fragile.Like a glass vase that has been broken and carefully glued back together.I look ok...but I'm not strong as I once was.Will never be quite whole again.When my daughter was molested,when I lost 11 close friends and family in a less than 16 month period,when my health fell into the toilet and I lost my ability to work,and on and on.I sometimes wonder why I have any useful brains left at all.But I know I do.And I may not be strong but I am sincere.I do the damn best I can one day at a time...yeah,and I haven't picked up alcohol or drugs over any of it either.My crutch now is God I guess.No...I don't guess-I know.God,AA and my dear friends.I worry too about the future at times because I know there will be more.More tragedy,more hurt.Then I have to remember there will also be great moments.Watching my grandkids grow up and make a life.Who knows..someday maybe great grandkids.Oh my...what a thought!!!I've got my 2 cats and they bring me a lot of entertainment and love.I'm starting to ramble.I guess I needed to get it out of my head and into print.Mainly share some of it from my head so it doesn't feel so full.I will rest better now.That's one of the reasons I like coming here and posting.Thanks for reading.