life seems so pointless

[willows]

on the 10th of december 2007 i lost my partner david. not only was he my partner he was my best friend.  he died so suddenly he was'ht even ill. he had a massive bleed in the brain and there was nothing they could do to help him.  he was only 45  i feel so lost without him.

 we were planing to get married on 2nd august 2008  everything was in place,  i then found myself in a position of have to arrange a funeral and cancell a wedding at the same time.  i loved him so much i still do  i cant  understand how this could happen to

he was the most wonderfull  man you could meet he had the biggest smile it could light up a room. he was and still is my whole world and my life feels like it has come to an end sometimes i wish would.  the only thing keeping me here is our two small kids one is 9 one is 3. they are the only things keeping me here and just about strong enough to get out of bed each morning.

is there anyone out there to help me please.  willow

[armaiti]

Willow, we hear you.  You might want to start reading and posting to the "I Miss Him So..." board, where most of us go most regularly.

You have suffered a great loss and we all know what that feels like.  I just had the 1 1/2 year anniversary of my partner's passing.  He also died suddenly, from a blood clot in his heart.  He and I had been together 10 1/2 years; his son was getting married the following week. 

Try to just take each day one step, one breath at a time.  If you can, try not to make any big changes in your life for one year, one full walk around the sun.  And don't let anyone else tell you what to do or how to grieve.  I kept my partner's Ishaq's clothes in the closet for a full year...I still have everything that belonged to him.  I never know what his grown kids might want someday, and I wear his old flannel shirts and sweatshirts to stay warm.

I made an ancestor altar, with his picture and a candle, and other mementos on it.  It sits on the west wall of my bedroom, the direction of the ancestors.  And I know he can see and hear me, and I talk to him often.

I believe we only change forms, change worlds when we leave our bodies.   Ishaq has sent me many signs: feather, visits from animals at special times, dreams...the signs can be something that only you would understand.  I think children also are more open to seeing our beloveds in their new forms sometimes too.

Keep posting and coming back..we are here for you, and we understand.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[willows]

thank you for your kind and thoughtfull words.  my partners name is david and he was the most wonderfull man in the planet. this is a place i never thought i would find myself,  you all ways think is will happen to someone else never to you.

i keep telling myself it would have been eaiser to cope with if he had been ill and had not gone so suddenly at least i would have been able to say goodbye.  i like you still wear his tshirts and shirts and i wont be getting rid of anything. i sleep most nights in one of his t shirts and if its really cold i wear his socks even though they are miles to big for me  they give me a comfort zone that we all need at a time like this.

 one of davids favorite sayings when ever i was unsure about anything and i had to make a choice what to do was.  follow your instincts and above all keep the faith.  the faith to trust in your self.  he always belived in me most times more then i did in myself.   i loved and still do love him more then life.

hope to hear from you again.   all the best willow

[sheela]

they say only the good die young and maybe thats true why else would have my mom and her 1st husband died like he did ? its a long story but see said that her 1st husband was a saint.. he was so good and kind.. my mom died last year she was a saint also. put up with so much all the time etc

i dont know if it comforts you at all but i hope so.. its the only explanation that i have.

[qubert]

 Willow,

I am so sorry for your loss. My huband of 21 years pass on th 29 of December 2007 Also from a clot in his heart. No signs of any heart problems. It make no sence when our love ones pass I do read the postings every day and it helps to know others feel the same way. I am taking baby steps and reading everything I can get my hands on about the other side. I hope the good lord don't wait to long to come a get me I am only 49 but read to go. You have young children and they need you my boys are in college and I know they would be ok if the lord came and took me. For our love ones in heven there is no time it will me like tomorrow when we get there to them, it is us left behind the days seem endless. I look forward to going to sleep that is the only time I don't think of Bruce. I found that writting a letter to bruce and posting it on this site help me tell him what I did not get to say when he passed. 33 days and counting this sucks for all of us. I thank everyone on this site for the postings and friendship

Susan ( Qubert)

[grannyc]

((Dear Willow))

It is so hard to have to meet newcomers as they find this site.   Thank God for it, but sorry you had to seek it out.      The pain and shock of those early months is something I can hardly go back to in my mind without tears.   So, much of it is even a blurr to me now.  I was there, but I wasn't there.  Alone in a crowd.  Half of me gone.  The heartache was so emotional it was physical and let's not forget the spiritual part of each of us!  Until someone walks this walk - no one completely understands, that's for SURE!      Sometimes the only way to get through is one breath at a time.   I did alot of journaling early on, just write and ramble, cry out, get my pain out of me and onto the paper.   Another thing I've done on a couple occasions is write my husband, Anything that will help lighten our loads. 

Feb. 10th will be 19 months for me.   At times I'm not sure how I lived through it = this far, so alone, so wanting him with me.....We were married 37 years, its like I had NO idea how to live without him.  I couldn't even, right at first think that was possible.

No one, not even any of us can tell you how to handle this, we get support from each other, but we all handle things different, what I need and what you need will probably be very different, but neither of us is wrong.   Do what you need to - to get through each day!   I go to a Grief Group every other week, its very small and friendly, it has carried me many times.  I read alot, stay busy, etc.   Just remember we are here for each other, even in our different walks and stages.  We will all cross the same ground as our time goes on.

Sincerely,   Take Care of yourself,   GrannyCheryl ;-)

[sherri27360]

Hi,

On Jan. 25, 2008 I suddenly lost my husband of 17 years. He wasen't sick or anything. That morning we woke up and I asked him what he wanted for breakfast he told me so I went in the kitchen to cut the oven on then I went back to the bedroom and he fell of the bed. I went over to him and shook him and called him He didnt respond. I immediately call 911. They took him to the hospital I didn't know it at the time but he was already gone. The dr. said he had cardiac arrest. He had just turned 38 the 13 of Jan. We have a 16 year old son and a 2 and a half year old son. I am devastated. I am in so much pain I can't stand it. The only reason I get up in the mornings is because of my kids. I miss him so much and I can't him out of my mind laying in the floor that morning he looked so helpless and I couldn't do anything about it. I can't sleep at night because that is all I think about him dying.It is a night mare.

 

[grannyc]

:X  Dear Sherri,

I am so very saddened by your loss and need for this site.   You are still in shock! and probably will be for weeks.   Just take care of yourself and your boys!!!!!   You can probably only live one breath at a time.

Not one of us here, wanted to say "Good Bye" to our spouses.  IT SUCKS!!!!   But, we do draw support from one another on these different boards you can visit.   Also use this site if you just need to type out what your heart wants to scream out!  Nothing in your feelings will shock any of us.  We have all walked right where you are and it is so VERY UNFAIR and PAINFUL.  It hits us emotionally, physically and spiritually.  We all have so much mending/healing to go through.

I lost my husband of 37 years plus, 19 months ago.   I never ever thought I'd make it this far.  There just seemed to be no possible way I could exist without my other half.  The thought of your loss can physically nauseate you, can't it?  You could care less except for your boys if you live or die, right?  It is terrible, everyone else's life has just gone on and you have NO life to speak of, do you?  You are alone in a crowd, you are the 5th wheel to every wagon.   OH my GOD, Sherri-I know where you are at and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

I have absolutely NO answer for you, I wish I could carry your pain.  Its hard to see more people come to this site, as much as I am glad this site exists, I wish so many people didn't need it!

Please stay with us,   Take care of yourself, your children need you!

Sincerely,  Cheryl 

[sherri27360]

Dear Cheryl,

                   You are so right about feeling alone in a crowd with no life. I went to Walmart yesterday to buy groceries and I would catch my self picking things up for my husband for his lunch. It is an awful empty feeling. I started crying right in the middle of walmart. People probably thought I was crazy. Every time I go somewhere I am more depressed than before I went. How dare the world to go on without my husband. It is just not Fair!!!Every time the phone rings or the door opens I think its my Barry. I Can't Stand This!

                                                             Sherri

[grannyc]

Dear Sherri,

I know this does not help one bit, that's how I felt too when I would hear this but, It does become more bareable, NOT better, Just BAREABLE.   But, oh My God the Hell that we all have or have to walk is just that  ""Hell""

I've always loved quiet and alone time---But, not this kind of silence or this kind of alone time!!!!!!!!     Last night in the middle of the night I heard my Tim sniffle.  I sat up of course......... it couldn't have been him.  My grand daughters were sleeping down the hall and my 24 year old son downstairs.   Did I dream it?  I do not know.   But, it was so real........and so much, I wanted it to be him!

Tim was sick 14 months (he was given 3-5 years)  I thought I was preparing myself-WoW! when he laid down for that nap that day in July of 2006 and never got up......I realized there is NO Preparing for this!   AND, NO one, no ONE - understands it until they walk it.   I guess I didn't either, before I got into this path/valley/journey to hell.

It IS better to have loved and lost; than to have Never loved at all.(???)   But, my 37 years flew bye far too fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care,  And know I care!  Cheryl  :shock:

[aurora]

Sherrie, I cried in WalMart too. The manager came over and asked what was wrong and if I needed anything. She acted all compassionate. I asked her if she would get me some water. She said she would then went and called the cops! I was hauled off to the ER for a psych evaluation!! I passed of course but it was all I needed on top of grief. One of my friends told me to get to the car before I started crying now as people don't care anymore-they just call the cops if you're emotional. Too bad other people can't handle others' emotions. Their time will come at some point when they will have to deal with grief and loss.

[misshimstill]

Sherri and Willow,

We are all so sorry to see that both of you have had to join our group of mourning women.  My husband died, also, of a very quick heart-related problem.  He was 25.  We had three years together.  Death does come to the young.  I wish it didn't, but it does.  And we who are left have to learn to go on without them.  It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but with the Lord sustaining me I've been able to do what I would have thought to be impossible. 

Both of you are still in those first awful, horrible, terrible weeks after your sweet husband or husband-to-be was taken.  Right now you feel like you'll never be able to adjust to life without him.  That's very normal and normal also to feel completely alone in the world without him.  Yes, I agree with the feeling of "how dare the world go on when he's gone", but it just does. 

Do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself -- wear his clothes, write to him or write about him, scream or cry into your pillow, etc.  Probably the most helpful thing you can do is come here and tell us how you're doing.  You will find understanding and compassion here.  You will find people who will listen to you and tell you it's okay if you cry or that you still don't think you can go on.  There is no right or wrong way to do this. 

I pray that you will find peace in the midst of your sorrow.  ~Oneta

[grannyc]

(((Sherri and All))))

Who can even excuse such a reaction that you got in Walmart.  Disgusting.   What about checking with a family member of yours first.   WoW  So, sorry to hear you being put through that on top of the grief.

Sherri,  Most of the time we have NO control over when/where/how something is going to affect us in this grief process.  I remember, just one year ago, Tim had been gone 5 months and a friend took me out to lunch and after Christmas Sale Shopping.  We were going through Clearance items, etc. and all of a sudden I realized I was in the middle of the "Men's Section"   I COULD NOT BREATHE  I hyberventalated as my friend somehow got me out of the store.  I don't know what would have happened if I would have been alone.   Same with grief bursts,  they're not under our control.

We can change/control how we think................But, We can't control our feelings.....

One Breath at a Time,   For ALL of Us!!!

Cheryl   :?

[grannyc]

Sherri,

I just realized it is one month for you today.

Be good to yourself and pray and hang onto the Lord.

You are in my prayers!

GrannyCheryl   ((((((((Hugs to You)))))))

[sherri27360]

Thank you all for your kind words. I did take my little boy to mcdonalds today and let him play in the play land. I did good. I did'nt cry or anything but I am home now and have laid him down for a nap and I am feeling pretty low right now. I feel so lonely and afraid. I have friends and family to talk to but all I want is my husband but I know that is impossible.  I feel so helpless and depressed again.

[aurora]

Sherrie, is there somebody that come come stay with you for awhile so you don't feel alone or is there a neighbor you can hang out with? Maybe putting photos in an album or gathering meaningful things from your life together and putting them around you would give you some comfort. Is there a support group you could join?

[msmoo07]

GrannyC

I just want to thank you for your posts.  You seem to know just what to say that I can relate to.  I'm not very good at expressing just how I feel, but you can.  You have been there and done that and are the voice of reason in this unreasonable grief.  Please know that I read everyone's posts every night and it helps.  My sister-in-law (my husband's sister) just lost her husband 2 weeks ago.  We talk to each other and sometimes I use some of the gems you give to other people for her.  I have been walking this path since Dec.1st 2007 and it isn't any easier now than then. 

God Bless You

Prayers and hugs for everyone

MrsMo

[grannyc]

(((Hi MrsMo)))

I am so very sorry we have to meet at this site, But, as many have said "thank God for this site"

I just came from my Grief Group and I talked there about the pain I feel as new people introduce themselves on this site.    Those early weeks/months you are still in shock. . . .How could it be any other way?  What a trauma!!  So good you have your sister in-law to talk to.   We need everybody we can get to support us!!!!

Today was a tuffer day, Why? I am not sure, just a couple bumps in the road that I let each one knock me down.  Our lives are so out of control.  Anyway out of our control.  And life around us just goes on.......Can't they see we have lost half of ourselves, we have to be bleeding, don't we?   Sure feels like it to me.  Just this next breath is all we can think about for now.....Think???   have you noticed Widow-Brain?  My memory, recall, thoughts twist and turn, it has been a trauma to our entire being.

Thank you, for you kind words, right now, I really needed to hear them.   Stay with me will you!?

Prays, GrannyCheryl