It's dark in here

[onedaysoon]

I try to write when i am really down, just to get my feelings out, hoping it will help. Nothing seems to be helping this time. I have been feelings this way for over a week now. Depressed and alone. I can't continue on this way. My kids need me to be better than this. I force myself out of the house, just for them. I can smile and put on a good front so no one will really know how I feel. But my kids know ... they can see it, they can feel it. I just don't know what to do anymore ...

It’s dark here. I can’t see the light.

It’s dark. Can’t tell wrong from right.

I may see the sun, but will I know what it is?

Can the sun shine through … through all of this?

Through the misery and despair which seems here to stay.

Oh how I wish these clouds would go away.

Clouds and rain are all I see.

I know there’s more so how can this be?

I want things different so how can this be?

Why won’t this pain go away from me?

How nice it would be to curl up and cry

But my four gifts from God force me to try

Try to continue on although I need time to freeze

The ones who don’t know think it’s a breeze.

“Get over it,” they say, “Time will heal your pain”

More and more platitudes as I go slowly insane.

“What can I do” I hear time and again

“Nothing” I say … you can’t bring back my friend.

The one who was there through thick and thin

Even when I shut down, she always found her way in.

What do I do now? Where do I turn?

I don’t know how to talk … I guess I need to learn.

But she was teaching me how to do just that

We’d go to her kitchen and there we just sat …

We sat there until I started to speak

I tried hard to hold them in, but the thoughts would just leak

Out in the open, where she’d pick up each word

Saying just the right things, I knew I had been heard.

Now there is no one listening to me

I have withdrawn back inside but there’s no one to see

I am all alone in my tunnel of gloom

Now I have to find my own way out and I need to do it soon.

I’m afraid I’ll stay lost in this darkness of mine

I know there’s a sun, but will I see it shine?

Can I be strong and open the shade?

I’m not really sure, I’m so afraid.

It’s dark here. I can’t see the light.

It’s dark. Can’t tell wrong from right.

I may see the sun, but will I know what it is?

Can the sun shine through … through all of this?

[Kenn]

I try to write when i am really down, just to get my feelings out, hoping it will help. Nothing seems to be helping this time. I have been feelings this way for over a week now. Depressed and alone. I can't continue on this way. My kids need me to be better than this. I force myself out of the house, just for them. I can smile and put on a good front so no one will really know how I feel. But my kids know ... they can see it, they can feel it. I just don't know what to do anymore ...

[Kenn]

Hey onedaysoon,

One day soon, you are going to feel better, I guarantee it. You have really communicated how you feel through your poem. You are bold enough to share how you are feeling and I really admire that. I pray that you will allow me to be bold enough to tell you what I think. Please forgive me if you think I am being too bold, I'm dumb enough to do that sometimes. One of my many flaws.

Because you have such a caring heart the death of your friend has really given you a hard blow. In the last four years three people who were very close to me died. My brother, brother-in-law , and daughter. All three were very traumatic for me, and it was natural that I had to battle some degree of depression. Over the last ten years I have experienced several close deaths, even the tragic accidental death of my young neighbor in my back yard. His death was so tragic that I had to really battle with the impulse to blame myself, even though I had warned him not to do what he did. I think we all beat ourselves up that way.

I believe the single most important thing that I do to pull myself up out of the depths of despair is a lot of self talk. I remind myself of what the actual truth is, and not what depression would cause me to believe.

I know me and my many faults, so I don't let my human flaws cause me to keep blaming myself for not being able to prevent any of those deaths. You and I aren't God, so we can only do what we know to do. Sometimes we take life for granted, and we don't take advantage of all the warnings we get that could change a lot of bad things from happening, but that is because we are just human.

There are so many things I could have done that would have saved my neighbor if I had only known what was going to happen. I could have even saved my daughter if I had known what to do, but I didn't know. You and I would have done everything perfect when our loved ones died if we had only known what to do, but we didn't. What I do know is that this world is a hard place, and a lot of people benefit from my help if I am available to give it.

You and I have children, and if we don't look out from our depression and see their need, we will be looking back feeling awful because we missed our opportunity to help them. That has been my experience with my children. Looking back I have beat myself silly because I allowed myself to get wrapped up in my own misery, and I wasn't there when my daughter needed me most. Your friend isn't suffering anymore, but your children might be. We still have the opportunity to offer our living children the love that only we can give.

I told myself several years ago that I wished I could die, so I decided that would be a part of my self talk. I really try hard to die, die to my own selfishness, and live for those I have the ability to help. This world is a hard place to live, and there is a lot I can do to help my children survive in it. Sacrificing my own feelings to help others actually works like medicine for me. If I want to die, I should die, die to myself and reach out and help someone. Sacrifice a little bit of myself for my children. I know its what I'm supposed to do. We don't have the convenience of shutting down when we get depressed, too many people need us. Die to myself for my children's sake, mighty words when I need strength to pull myself up out of the pit of despair.

I have to remember that I am leaving memories others will have to live with for the rest of their lives. I'll be 62 in Sept, and I probably don't have many years left to make good memories. If I'm going to do it, I have to take advantage of the days I have left.

I know myself, and I remember my flaws. I don't want to forget, and I don't want to be covering them up either. Being real is one of the most important things we can do for our children. All of us make mistakes, and learning to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, gives us the ability to forgive and have more patience with others.

Those who have died are gone, and they wouldn't want to come back. We are still here and probably have a long time left before we get our time, and a lot of people really do need what we have to offer. Here is a sample of the self talk I have repeated over and over and over to myself during the past several years.

I am a good person compared to the majority of people I see in the world. I'm not really that good, but when I look at how cruel some people can be, I really like the person I am.

I know my flaws and acknowledge that I'm not perfect. I own my flaws so it can't hurt me so bad when I make a stupid mistake. No one is perfect, so I forgive myself for not being perfect either.

We live in a world where suffering exists, so given enough time I will experience suffering again too. I accept suffering when it comes because I expect it to happen sooner or later, so I'm not devastated when it happens. I've experienced tough time before, and I'll get through this too.

Death is a fact of life, and it is coming to everyone sooner or later. We are all waiting for our time, so we had better keep our closets clean. Don't leave things behind that you don't want anyone to find after you are gone. When people go through my things after I die they aren't going to be finding secrets that I wouldn't want anyone to see. I'm going to do everything I can to leave good memories of the person I turned out to be. I want to die well, leaving good stories of sacrifices I made to help others. Of times I made them smile. Of times I helped when I did some little things that seemed like nothing at the time. Good memories, valued more than gold.

I need to die to myself. I need to die to myself. I need to die to myself. The universe doesn't revolve around me, others are hurting too, so I need to die to myself.

Please forgive me if I said anything offensive. I don't know if I was able to communicated to you the way I think, but I just shared how I deal with depression, and the way I stop it when it comes. I pray that God will give you the comfort you need. God bless you.

I try to write when i am really down, just to get my feelings out, hoping it will help. Nothing seems to be helping this time. I have been feelings this way for over a week now. Depressed and alone. I can't continue on this way. My kids need me to be better than this. I force myself out of the house, just for them. I can smile and put on a good front so no one will really know how I feel. But my kids know ... they can see it, they can feel it. I just don't know what to do anymore ...

[Shawnsfriend]

I started reading your poem @ Onedaysoon and i started crying - i couldnt finish it. I will try to finish it later tonight. Wow, you've been so helpful to me and yet you are still dealing with the hurt and the pain yourself. I am thankful and now its my time to give you a "hug". Your words, in that poem, i cant wait to share it with pat, because they capture exactly how i feel. I know that pain, i know that dark room, i know it all too well!

[onedaysoon]

Heydaddy,

You weren't offensive. I have come to value and respect your opinion and guidance. I am not looking to die and join my friend, I am looking to live, carry on her memories and the lessons I was taught along the way. I have come to figure out that the reason that I continue to slip into depression is that I hold everything in. Ultimately, it is the burden of all the thoughts & issues that tend to break me. I have come a long way in dealing with Pam's death. I have made it to the point where I can smile at the memories, instead of cry. I can look at her pictures and hear her voice and smile. It seems to be the rest of life that is starting to drag me down. I do ok with her death now, but the ones I have experienced since her passing seem to get more and more difficult to pull back out of.

Thank you for the idea of self-talk. As I am not really one to "share my burdens" often (usually only comes out when I have hit bottom, or close to it), that may be a good route for me to try. The insight is much appreciated. Thank you my friend. I hope that you have a good evening.

Hey onedaysoon,

One day soon, you are going to feel better, I guarantee it. You have really communicated how you feel through your poem. You are bold enough to share how you are feeling and I really admire that. I pray that you will allow me to be bold enough to tell you what I think. Please forgive me if you think I am being too bold, I'm dumb enough to do that sometimes. One of my many flaws.

Because you have such a caring heart the death of your friend has really given you a hard blow. In the last four years three people who were very close to me died. My brother, brother-in-law , and daughter. All three were very traumatic for me, and it was natural that I had to battle some degree of depression. Over the last ten years I have experienced several close deaths, even the tragic accidental death of my young neighbor in my back yard. His death was so tragic that I had to really battle with the impulse to blame myself, even though I had warned him not to do what he did. I think we all beat ourselves up that way.

I believe the single most important thing that I do to pull myself up out of the depths of despair is a lot of self talk. I remind myself of what the actual truth is, and not what depression would cause me to believe.

I know me and my many faults, so I don't let my human flaws cause me to keep blaming myself for not being able to prevent any of those deaths. You and I aren't God, so we can only do what we know to do. Sometimes we take life for granted, and we don't take advantage of all the warnings we get that could change a lot of bad things from happening, but that is because we are just human.

There are so many things I could have done that would have saved my neighbor if I had only known what was going to happen. I could have even saved my daughter if I had known what to do, but I didn't know. You and I would have done everything perfect when our loved ones died if we had only known what to do, but we didn't. What I do know is that this world is a hard place, and a lot of people benefit from my help if I am available to give it.

You and I have children, and if we don't look out from our depression and see their need, we will be looking back feeling awful because we missed our opportunity to help them. That has been my experience with my children. Looking back I have beat myself silly because I allowed myself to get wrapped up in my own misery, and I wasn't there when my daughter needed me most. Your friend isn't suffering anymore, but your children might be. We still have the opportunity to offer our living children the love that only we can give.

I told myself several years ago that I wished I could die, so I decided that would be a part of my self talk. I really try hard to die, die to my own selfishness, and live for those I have the ability to help. This world is a hard place to live, and there is a lot I can do to help my children survive in it. Sacrificing my own feelings to help others actually works like medicine for me. If I want to die, I should die, die to myself and reach out and help someone. Sacrifice a little bit of myself for my children. I know its what I'm supposed to do. We don't have the convenience of shutting down when we get depressed, too many people need us. Die to myself for my children's sake, mighty words when I need strength to pull myself up out of the pit of despair.

I have to remember that I am leaving memories others will have to live with for the rest of their lives. I'll be 62 in Sept, and I probably don't have many years left to make good memories. If I'm going to do it, I have to take advantage of the days I have left.

I know myself, and I remember my flaws. I don't want to forget, and I don't want to be covering them up either. Being real is one of the most important things we can do for our children. All of us make mistakes, and learning to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, gives us the ability to forgive and have more patience with others.

Those who have died are gone, and they wouldn't want to come back. We are still here and probably have a long time left before we get our time, and a lot of people really do need what we have to offer. Here is a sample of the self talk I have repeated over and over and over to myself during the past several years.

I am a good person compared to the majority of people I see in the world. I'm not really that good, but when I look at how cruel some people can be, I really like the person I am.

I know my flaws and acknowledge that I'm not perfect. I own my flaws so it can't hurt me so bad when I make a stupid mistake. No one is perfect, so I forgive myself for not being perfect either.

We live in a world where suffering exists, so given enough time I will experience suffering again too. I accept suffering when it comes because I expect it to happen sooner or later, so I'm not devastated when it happens. I've experienced tough time before, and I'll get through this too.

Death is a fact of life, and it is coming to everyone sooner or later. We are all waiting for our time, so we had better keep our closets clean. Don't leave things behind that you don't want anyone to find after you are gone. When people go through my things after I die they aren't going to be finding secrets that I wouldn't want anyone to see. I'm going to do everything I can to leave good memories of the person I turned out to be. I want to die well, leaving good stories of sacrifices I made to help others. Of times I made them smile. Of times I helped when I did some little things that seemed like nothing at the time. Good memories, valued more than gold.

I need to die to myself. I need to die to myself. I need to die to myself. The universe doesn't revolve around me, others are hurting too, so I need to die to myself.

Please forgive me if I said anything offensive. I don't know if I was able to communicated to you the way I think, but I just shared how I deal with depression, and the way I stop it when it comes. I pray that God will give you the comfort you need. God bless you.

[Shawnsfriend]

this is me here .... thankyou for sharing

Now there is no one listening to me

I have withdrawn back inside but there’s no one to see

I am all alone in my tunnel of gloom

Now I have to find my own way out and I need to do it soon.

[Kenn]

Our lives are in our own hands, and we can find our way out of despair if we will have the courage to try. Sometimes people withdraw from us because they feel like we aren't listening to them. No matter what they say, we act like we don't want to hear. They don't know what to say anymore, so they just draw back leaving us in our own world of self pity. If we don't decide to take control of our life, depression and grief threatens to destroy us. Perhaps we have to look to ourselves to find the answers we need. If we feel alone, maybe we aren't reaching out to others so that we don't have to be alone.

I love the Serenity Prayer.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference."

We often don't have the wisdom or courage to change the things we can. Our lives are in our own hands, the future is ours to make. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find the comfort you need. Please forgive me if I said anything that offends you. I pray that you have a good day.

this is me here .... thankyou for sharing

[Maddy6]

Onedaysoon,Your poetry was incredibly beautiful. It spoke to my heart. I read it to my son who has struggled because at only 20 yo he has had several friends commit suicide in addition to the expected death of his older sister. You are a gifted writer, thank you for sharing with us. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I know you are hurting and you describe what I have been through with the loss of my daughter. The desire to give up, but realizing I have other children who need me. Thank you for understanding and putting it into words. It is hard to be in grief, but having to go forward and pretend to be OK, was one of the most difficult parts of my grieving process. I don't think I was too successful at it, I wish I had been a better mother through it, but I am improving now. You must be a truly wonderful person to have had such a special friend. I have that special relationship with my husband, but I have never had a special friend. I know I should be grateful for having a wonderful husband, as not everyone does, but I was truly envious as I read your poem. To have such a special friend that you deeply love was very special. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss of a dear, true friend.

Hey daddy,Wow, your words blessed me greatly. You spoke directly to me in all that you said. I was ashamed as I read your words and realized my self centeredness. Ashamed that it has taken me this long to even begin to move forward. You have motivated me Heydaddy. Your self talk to yourself has spoken to me. It has spoken volumes. Thank you so very much.

Maddy :-)