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Loss of a Father


evanwalker22

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Hi everyone. I'm new to this whole grieving site thing but I thought it might be high time to give it a try and see if it helps. I'm 18, though I lost my father when I was 17...my birthday was less than three weeks away. I hate sounding selfish but I also hate the fact that he had to go then.

I lost my father back at the end of September. He died of lung cancer. It was extremely sudden and took everyone by surprise. Now here we are a few months later and it still feels like he's just on some extremely long business trip. Though the realization of what's really happened seems to hit me more often now and it's starting to set in. I hate it.

As a family we all used to love going snowmobiling, skiing, and ATVing as well as many other things. But really my mom didn't really participate much in those activities, it was more of a bonding time with me my brother and my father. My mom wants us to keep going on and doing them, but I honestly don't know if I can. She says that the best way to honor him is to keep doing the things we all loved to do together which I agree with but I also feel like it just isn't going to be fun anymore. I really loved doing those WITH him and now that he isn't here with us it just doesn't hold the same meaning. Anyone else else running into these problems?

Thanks for letting me rant...

(stolenseason)

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4everjoeysmom

Sue, I'm not sure if it's too soon for you and the kids, but maybe a project together like doing a scrapbook of pictures and things they shared with their daddy...things daddy loved... and lso, if you can find someone that quilts, consider taking some shirts of his and making swatches to be made into the quilt. You can also have pictures screened onto the quilt--like a memory quilt they can have on their beds and warap themselves up in daddy to feel closer to him. Hope thse suggestions are helpful... I am praying for you all.

StolenSeason, I am so sorry you lost your dad. Don;t feel pressures into doingthings you aren't ready for. There are lots of ways you can honor your dad. Build a memorial web site, reach out to others and share to give and get encouragement, write messages and send them off in balloons, (that might be good for you and the kids too, Sue), find something you love to do and do it in honor of your dad. He would just want you to live to the fullest, and it doesn't have to be snowmobiling, it can be anything your heart desires...

I lost my son in July, and being here anywhere reaching in and out to others is helpful. We all have deep pain, but we also have deep love for those we grieve for, and sharing that love with others is an amazing source of strength.

Love and prayers, Claudia

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knightofvaliance

thanks a lot for the replys everyone... yesterday was my moms anniversary so it was a bit hard for both of us. it has been a little over a year now and it doesn't feel like im progressing. i mean yeah, im survivin with my mom but i can't concentrate on anything. all i think about is all of the hard ships im gonna have to deal with in the future. gettin my drivers license, high school prom, marriage, everything. its just really hard to do without him. well i guess that either way whatever i do it is in honor of him.

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I was hoping you could help me. I have to tell my 12 1/2 year-old daughter that her father is dying. Just thinking about it sends me into a bawling-fit. How am I going to do this? What do I say? How do I help her?

Thanks in advance for any guidance you might give.

Janine

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lfctillidie

i lost my dad a yr ago and im still finding it hard 2 cope ppl keep tellin me 2dontw worry n think bout the memories i av tryed bt i jst start cryin my dad was everythin 2 me how long will i feel like this 4 wen my dad died i jst wanted 2 die my dad was everything 2 me i wasnt even with him wen he passed away my stepmum tld me 2 go home with my brother and hlf an hr l8er i found owt my dad had died i h8 her for that R.I.P DAD XXXXX

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My father committed suicide over a year ago. I still can't seem to get over it. I've made all of my friends annoyed with talking about it and I just need someone that can relate to me!!

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hey janine.i read your message about telling your daughter about her dad dieing.my dad died when i was younger.i was in about 6th grade when he died.i didnt know he was dieing and i wish my mom would have told me.i never got to say goodbye..and if i would have known he was dieing,i would have spent every minute i could have with him.i know its going to be hard to tell your daughter but i think you should tell her soon so that she can spend as much time with him as she can.about a year ago i was told that my grandpa has 2 more years to live.it hurt but no matter how you say it,its going to hurt.i dont know what you should say to her.i know that shes young and its going to be hard for her to understand.maybe you should just say that dads going to be in a better place once he passes away.thats what my mom told my sister.she was about three when she told her.and shes just now starting to understand..and shes 7 now.i dont know what exactly you should say to her because its up to you.i just wish you good luck.

-katie

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I wanted to come post here for you all. My father died when i was 15 I'm now 22 years old. I know people will tell you it gets better and it will be okay and you might not believe them at first but i promise it's true. I still think of him a lot and i still miss him but its not the way you do in the first years of it all. I'm now back and posting in the loss of a partner area. My boyfriend died in a car accident. I keep telling myself that i will be okay and it will get better because i know from experience it does but its hard to believe it right now. I know you may think im crazy or not believe me, but it will be okay and it will get better.

thinking of you all

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i'm new to this site as well, so I guess so I should tell my story...

It was october 20, 2006, sweetest day, my parent's anniversary, that my dad left us for heaven.  It was also my very last senior pep rally, and the last football game of the season.  However, I never made it to the pep rally.  I was called out of class, and was made to wait a half hour in the lobby before I was told anything.  I had no idea what was going on, so I called my family members.  My mom wasn't at work.  My brother wasn't answering his phone.  And for some reason, I never called my dad.  I'm not sure if it was a sign that he was already gone, but I never called him.  The secretary had told me that my uncle was supposedly going to come pick me up, but as I waited and waited, people were starting to go to the gym, which was right next to the office. I can remember seeing one of my fellow cheerleaders, and she said that it was probably nothing big, and that she'd see me in a few. Well, when I saw my mom's boss' car, and my boyfriends car pull up, I knew that something was wrong.  I ran to my mom, and just hugged her and started crying.  She just said my dad had an accident.  So, we began our ride to the hospital.

I didn't ask anything else for the entire ride, I think because I knew, and didn't want to know.

We arrived at the hospital, and were taken into the a room where other family was there.  I was the last to be there.  I was then sat down and told that my dad had a heart attack.  He was roofing a household when he had the heart attack, and fell to the ground, where I guess he hit his head on the cement.  Either way, it was said to be quick and painless.

But I can't imagine in his last few seconds of life what horror he had run through his mind, what pain he felt.

I'll never know what actually killed him, there were so many events that could have had it happen. 

He never went to the doctors.  He hated hospitals.  Also, a week before it happened, he was working with some wires out on the house when he was zapped by one.  I believe that this could have changed his heart rate, or made it increase, because the whole week following up to his death, he was said to have not felt good.

THe next day, october 21, I was supposed to go to cedar point with a group of friends.  I ended up going.  My mom said she had important things to do, and it would keep me busy.  But the whole time I was there, I cried.  My dad hated rollercoasters, and the last time we went as a family, I actually had gotten him to ride one.  He was nauseous afterwards, but when I went, it was the first ride I got on.  He would never ride with me again.

A week later it was my birthday.  It was the first time I realized that my dad would no longer be there with me. He wasn't there for snowcoming, prom, or graduation.  And he's not going to be when I graduate, get married, or have my first child.

The last words that he said to me was that he'd see me soon, but when I was at the hospital, I didn't want to see him.  I didn't want to see the state my dad was in, lying in a bed, lifeless.

It's a year and month later, and I still am unsure of how I'm supposed to feel. Sorry for giving all the details, but I had to get it out.

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[user=18647]missnoelle[/user] - Welcome, you have truly found the place to tell your story and you have done your dad proud.

It would have been devestating losing your dad, the one who rode the rollercoaster to ensure you felt okay, while all the while nauseated!  I sign of a true dad/protector.

May you always think of your dad that way.  It is not really how he died, but how he lived and how his life gave you strengths and direction.

Blessed be

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deathofanangel

hi, i am new to this site and my dad died and 7 months ago. i cant talk to anyone my mum is pressuring me to talk to her and i cant, because i dont know it is weird. my dad had cancer, but that had nothing to do with his death he then had a blood clot on one side of his brain and then he had a haemorage on the other side. if he had survived he would be seriously disabled. he wouldn't be my dad, like i knew him. it would just be his body. he wouldn't know who i was. sorry if the term 'disabled' offends anyone. i dont know the politically correct term. any way the hospital tried to thin out the blood to get rid of the clot but then the stuff cane out of the other side. i have told noone this, not even my bezzies. i am 14 years old. and i feel like i am alone like noone else is going through this. ijust need someone to talk to. i am living in silence. i am sort of immute. i only speak if someone asksme something. the doctors say it will pass. but mum is not sure

lv deathofanangel

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deathofanangel

hi, i feel alone. like i cant talk to anyone because

a) they might think i a weird

B) i cant physically talk about it

c) i am on depression pills so they might think it is the pills making me act weird

please can someone talk to me? i mean i dont mind if you dont i know most of you are in america, and i am in england and the time difference is massive but please.

help me!!!!

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hopessignature

I will talk to you, I lost my dad about 3 months ago and its been sooooo hard. Everyday I wake up I just want to die- I can't sleep and most of the time I'm screaming for him to come back and no one is listening, no one is here for me. I'm a good listener. I can try to help, don't be ashamed to be on deppresent pills- sometimes people need help. IM HERE........

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deathofanangel

hi, it is nice to know there is someone who will listen to me. i feel the same sometimes i forget he is gone. i turn around to talk t him and he is not there. i just want to shrivel up in a corner of a black room and die. i will listen to you and we can be there to support each other. mum says i shouldn't be on tablets because i am to young. thanx for listenin to me.

lv deathofanangel

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hopessignature

No your fine, I'm eighteen years old....In some way I lost my parents along time ago, but three months ago I lost my dad....It's hard....whenever I feel completly lost I talk to him...sometimes I just feel like he is in the hospital and that he will be home soon....I ask God to let me see him in my dreams....and sometimes he's there....I hope and pray to be one of those people to see an angel....what gives me piece of mind is knowing I will see him again....I want you to know that it is ok to cry.....certain sisuations like sad music or movies make it worse- stay away from those.....I tried seeing a couseler but it didn't help, she made me upset because it was wierd...she didn't know my dad....I want to know u, so I can better understand.....sometimes i get scared when I cry because I don't want anyone to hear me, but if you need to cry then honey cry- scream if that is what will make u feel better

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stephysteph13

i'm 17 and lost my mom last year and am still having a real ROUGH time with it. It's okay to show emotions. take it from someone who understands. i spent the whole first year numb and hiding my feelings bc i didnt want to show people i was depressed inside. this year i opened up and i feel how i feel and no one can change that. im here for u guys who have lost a parent i understand that it's the worst pain in the world and u feel like dying all the time.

if u need me im here

steph

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deathofanangel

hi, the thing is i love horror movies and i listen to rock music and it doesnt really bother me, but when i am on my own, i cry. i cry myself to sleep evernight. my family thinks that i dont talk anough and i dont cry, but i do. mum always makes me feel bad about not crying. so i dont know what is right. is there a right way to cope?

lv deathofanangel

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hopessignature

You shouldn't let anyone make you feel bad......Sometimes its best to cry alone.....I went to my dads grave for the first time today and I screamed...noone was there, I went alone....(I was the first person) Your mom is just trying to help, people worry about the quiet ones the most.....try writing a letter to your dad....I light candles and think about happy times, I like to sleep alot because thats when I get to see him.....it's hard when you lose a parent, your mom is trying to cope to- you guys should try to be there for one another

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deathofanangel

my dad was cremated and we cant bring ourselves to scatter him, we found the perfect place and everythina and it was just going to be me and my mum. we couldnt do it. when i go to sleep i have nightmares i used to have dreams but now all i get is nightmares. it is always about people abandonning me. but i guess that has nothing to do with my dad. i keep replaying in my mind the last time i said goodbye to him. it really hurts. also because he was on life support machines he didnt look like my dad he was someone different. this will probably sound really bad but if he had survived he wouldnt be him, he would be someone else. everything hurts. and this will be our first christmas without him, so we are doing things differently.

lv deathofanangel

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hopessignature

Honey I know exactly how that feels. I used to get nightmares, but then I prayed sometimes they still come.. my dad was in a coma and sometimes I wonder if he died before the coma....I miss him everyday......I know it hurts, everyone says it will get better with time but I just can't see that....My step dad died 3 years ago and after a year and a half I was ok....but now its my real dad and I just dont know. I cant tell you how to make the nitemares stop, but when I can tell you is that dreams stem from unconcious feelings, trying talking to your mom about it.....I bet you feel all alone and scared, but it will all be ok.....Your dad is always with you- He will always live through you.

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hi, i am new to this, ummm i dont know were to begin. well i am 14 years old my dad died about 7 months ago. he had a haemorage on one side of his brain and a clot on the other. the first hospital thought he had some exotic illness so they put it on the furthest ward away from everyone and didn't even try and give him any food. he had no water given to him so i will always hate that first hospital because i keep thinkin to myself if that stupid hospital had done something and given him some medication he would still be here. he then moved to a loads better hospital were he was given attention and loads of help. he was still not his usual self. he had been really bad for about 2 months, he still went to work in his lorry. they did millions of tests and they said nothing was wrong but his glands in his neck were the size of a tennis ball and they said oh, its just swollen. so we took him ourselves to a specialist hospital and they said 'oh, sorry he has cancer' i felt like shocked and when my mum told me i said 'fine' i dont know how to react when someone says your father has cancer. so we visited him everday for 1 month and whe they started to give him his chemotherapy they said are you ok? do you feel poorly? and he said i feel sick i have a headache. he then went braindead, he was awake but he was not reacting to me or my mum. that really hurt when you find out that even if your dad survives he will never be the same again, there was nothing they could do for him apart from hope that he would still be awake, and breathing but no matter how hard he tried he couldnt live without the machine breathing for him. they gave up hope on my father on April 19th 2007. my friends new before me. because my mum phoned the school to tell them that i wasnt going to be in. so my friends started to text and phone me saying really sorry about your dad, but i had kinda workes it out before that though. mum had to rush to hospital and dint get back until 3:00 in the morning. it really hurts deep down, my family say 'it must be hard' but they have no idea.

sorry its a bit long!!

lv savemysoul

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Its Christmas time my dads favorite holiday and mine. But Im about to give up i just dont want to live another day. Its been 3 years since we lost my dad and it seems like everyone besides my dads side and my mom,sister,and me seems to have forgotten about him. It seems that there is no record of his existance besides what we have in our memories and physically. My moms parents seem like they like my moms new boyfriend more then they liked my dad and i just want to beat them for it. My aunt told my 6 yr old cousin that my dad killed himself and thats far from the truth my dad was in a car accident. And i cant seem to forget the night it happened. I was asleep and heard my ma screamin and cryin i lloked around and my dad wasnt around i just fell to the floor when i seen the two officers and my dads boss standing at  the door i knew my dad wasnt comein home to comfort us and help..  I tried to make things up like my dads at work and something happened to my grandparents but inside it was clear what had happened. My Moms family keeps tellin me oh its been three years get over it. But i go to my dads parents and cry with them and my family. My dad was my Hero, Bestfriend, rolemodel and most of all my DAD.

Im tired of hearin the crap my family is sayin one time they had the audasity to say hes dead quit cryin i told them there not family i told them there dead to me. After he died it feels like i was crushed by the universe he promised me he wouldnt go anywhere for a long long time. He was the greatest paramedic firefighter and father i thought he was indestructable.Every day the pain gets worse its like theres a big gaping hole in my heart and every time the wind blows it hurts worse and worse and gets bigger and bigger. Every day that passes and hes not here it gets harder to breathe he always said somthin funny whaen he was happy like when i got to drive when i was 13 some one walked out in front of the truck and i hit the brakes he said you know what you do when some one walks in front of you and i said he said test the gas peddal and make sure it works.. i laughed so hard i about died. we were goin to cinncinati OH and we played slug bug but with 50 different cars my leg was black and blue when we got there but that was one of the best moments in my life...

 

        Well got to go people but it feels good to talk

Sincerley

Michael A. Dobrosky

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hi, i feel the same but i feel like i have a black neverending hole in my stomach and i am empty inside. my dad was a lorry driver and he would be coming home tellin me a story of his travels.

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hi, hope ur christmas was ok. it was harder than i thought it would be. me and my mum still had a good cry. we set the table for four of us even though there is only 3. it really upset me, but it made mum happy so i just went along with it. we poured a glass of wine for him aswell. i sit opposite from the empty space. it was hard for me. my mum sits next to the space and i think it just comforted her, that we were not leaving dad out of the christmas ccelebration. i didn't celebrate the new year, becaquse it didn't really feel like a celebration it was just the start of a new year without dad.

hope yours was better.

Hari

x x x

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Hi Samantha,

I hope you are still checking this message board.  My name is Stephanie and I am 27.  I just wanted to write and say I understand what you are going through.  My father also passed away in November and I too am still finding it very difficult to cope.  It was weird actually..I thought I was handelling it soo well at first....and now it seems to have crept up on me.  Unpredictable crying fits, horrible horrible dreams, happy moments, sad moments.....I seem to be all over the place.  My poor boyfriend has done everything he can think of to help, but he too feels helpless  Actually, it is starting to cause problems in many of my relationships.  Work, school, friends, family.....One thing that has helped is that I have started seeing a councellor.  What she helped me to realize is that everyone has a different idea of what grief should look like and that you cannot try to "hurry up" the process just because others don't think it should be taking you so long.  She also told me that if you need to experience a feeling at a certain time, do so.  Don't force yourself to bottle up the emotions.  Experience them, they are a natural part of the grieving process.  This helped me immensely.  Last weekend, I had to go to a wedding where the groom's mother had died years ago.  Naturally, he made a speech about how sorry he was that his mother didn't live to see is wedding day.  Being unmarried myself, I became very upset.  But...I excused myself from the table, went to the washroom and had a good cry.  When I was done, I went back to the wedding and managed to have a fantastic time the rest of the night.  So you see, sometimes just dealing with the emotion as it arises and then moving on when you are ready, can be theraputic.  I have a DVD that I made of my father for his viewing.  It has some of his favourite songs and pictures of him throughout his life.  Sometimes, when I really miss him, I put it on and I cry.  And cry and cry and cry.  And then when I feel a little better...I get up and slowly start to ease back into my day.

There is so much more I can tell you, but I don't want this message to turn into a novel!

I hope the support group goes well for you.  I also hope that your mom will come to understand that the two of you probably have very different grieving processes.  Do what YOU need to do to feel better.

Take care.  And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me back:)

All the best,

Stephanie

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deathofanangel

i am 17 but was 14 when my dad died. it doesnt get easier. it hits you hard in the stomach when you lesat expect it. it comes in shock waves. you get used to the pain until it becomes just a background noise. it hurts when people dont realise and start asking about your family and dad and you cant help but feel like everyone should know even though u know that not every one does. you start appreciating things that u shud have appreciated more when he wsa alive. i have now only just learnt to appreciate his music taste. if anyone wants to ask me anything about coping or anythign then i am here to listen.

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deathofanangel

hi, i feel the same but i feel like i have a black neverending hole in my stomach and i am empty inside. my dad was a lorry driver and he would be coming home tellin me a story of his travels.

my dad was a lorry driver too. i miss going in his lorry with him and giong places and when he came home and told us about where he had been and who he had met. when he went to work mondays on sundays he would put me to bed and tell me his 'plan of action' for the next day.

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Ok so its been years since i posted on here and i have to say the support i have gotten from so many people was very helpful, has been 6 year since the loss of my father in an unexpected Auto Accident, After this long the pain and wounds still seem fresh like it just happened yesterday however it is a bit more managable now, i still find some days are almost impossible to get through and i still want to go to sleep and wait till this is over, I have decided to follow in my fathers footsteps and save lives for a living i am currently an EMT/Firefighter and will be starting paramedic next year. I continue to live my life day by day and it works most of the time but when the tones drop and someones life hangs in the balance all my fears, grief and emotions of the shattered life i still pick up disappears and i do my best to ensure that someone elses children,husband, wife,parents and family dont have to do the same as i have!! To all those who lose what seems to be the stitches of your life hang onto the torn seems as hard as possible and things will eventually begin to fall into place! Nothing will ever be the same and the pain will forever remain but when you seem like your at your final breaking point and about to give youll muster the strength to survive. If you dont want to do it for you do what i did and do it for the person you lost who would expect you to be strong, do it for the family members that are in their darkest hour and do it in spite of those who say get over it! youll never get over it but what you will do is be strong enough to ask those jerks who they think they are what makes them the masters of grief what makes them so much stronger then you when you are still breathing after your life fell to a trillion peices that cant all be recovered.

I thank you all for your kind words and may the rest of your lives be filled with the ease you all deserve, and may things get easier to manage AND may karma hand those nasty jerks their asses and tell them to kiss it goodbye!!!

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My name is Evan, I am a 17 year old film student at Savannah Arts Academy, and I lost my father to drug overdose two years ago. My dad was from San Diego, California and it was in his will for his ashes to be spread on top of Mt. Soledad in his home town. This summer, after our high school graduation, my best friend and I are taking a train to San Diego and I will be filming a documentary about our travels. Along the way, we will stay in ten different cities and interview the people we meet about their own struggles with grief and closure. I would really appreciate if you visited our website and helped us spread the word about "JET Life." There is a ton more information about the film and my friend and I on there. I will post the link below. Also, if you would like to share your stories of loss with us, please don't hesitate to contact us -- the contact information is online. http://jetlifefilm.wordpress.com/

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