Painful holidays

[Johuru]

Hello,

I guess my case it is not different to those whose have lost someone and these holidays seem sad. I found this forum today because I do not know what else I can do, I am a believer, I go to church, I read the bible, I have been lookig for God's answers but sometimes I feel Him very far from me, I love Him but my condition of human being sometimes makes me doubt about if He is there for me and my prayers

I lost my mom almost six months ago. She was my only real companion, my friend, my everything. Despite I have more brothers and a half sister, all of them already have a well organized life: married, with children, etc. I am not married and I do not have children, indeep since she died I have been alone.

In addition, a few months before my mother died I met a man and I felt in love of him, with him I knew what was love, he made me and made my mom believe that he was going to be the one because I trusted his promises, I trusted the beautiful times I spent with him and my mom was so happy that ironically she said everyday that if one day she died she was going to rest in peace because I was not going to be alone anymore and because I had found the man who was going to love me. A few days after my mom died, this guy "kicked me out", he made up tons of non sense excuses...one day facebook suggested me people who I may know and there it was a photo of him with another girl. He did not even have some sympathy for the hard times I was having

My mom left this world believing something that was false, she was deceived as I was but I have felt more angry because when she was in comma when I talked to her about this guy and his promises she reacted as she was excited or happy and it is something I can not forget.

Now I wake up everyday with a pain in my heart, wishing my mom be here, asking God why he took my mom away from me if he knew I was going to be alone and heartbroken, I have friends but they are busy with their wives and husbands, wth their children or boyfriends or girlfriends and it is difficult to hear comforting words without any judgment or with some cliche, or even to listen to insulting words like I am a spinster...it is very sad

I do not know how to handle these holidays without her, having in my heart all the memories and furthermore with sadness, anger and being lonely.

I do not want to make people to feel compassion towards me by writting this, I guess it is a way to express all my feelings and hopefully it might help.

I keep waiting to stop suffering and asking the Lord to be merciful with me and with people who are in similar conditions or worse.