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I've Lost Someone...


Kelly

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I just lost an older person who has taken care of me in the past for three years. I didn't know how I felt about him but now I feel like it was my fault since I caused so much stress and pain in the past and I am not sure if I can ever forgive myself. I just wish I could go back in time and fix what I did but I can't and I am not sure why I cry. I was told crying was a weakness. Is that true?

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LostHope: crying aint a weakness, i really think of crying as a way to express ourselves, some sad some happy... so if we cry cause we're happy doesnt mean we're at fault...

and we always cause some stress and pain in someones life. but doesnt mean they stop loving us, or caring for us... or ever forgive us.

i got the chance to tell my grandma i was sorry before she passed away. and she was inna coma but i had this rush telling me she forgave me. because i knew deep down she loved me with all her heart and never gave up on me. thats all that person was telling you!... that they love you! and forgive you for all your faults and mistakes. because your in there lives cheer up hun! things will be ok

God Bless

Mundaquance = Pretty Girl (Native American)

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HELLO I THINK THAT IS COOL THAT YOU ARE A NATIVE AMERICAN I AM TOO I AM A HIDATSA FROM NORTH DAKOTA I LOST MY LITTLE BROTHER ON SEPT 12 2004 HE WAS 13 GONNA BE 14 ON THAT FRIDAY HE WAS IN A CAR WRECK I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD WRITE TO YOU AND SAY HELLO...AND SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS..

`THOMAS'SISTER`

LostHope: crying aint a weakness, i really think of crying as a way to express ourselves, some sad some happy... so if we cry cause we're happy doesnt mean we're at fault...

and we always cause some stress and pain in someones life. but doesnt mean they stop loving us, or caring for us... or ever forgive us.

i got the chance to tell my grandma i was sorry before she passed away. and she was inna coma but i had this rush telling me she forgave me. because i knew deep down she loved me with all her heart and never gave up on me. thats all that person was telling you!... that they love you! and forgive you for all your faults and mistakes. because your in there lives cheer up hun! things will be ok

God Bless

Mundaquance = Pretty Girl (Native American)

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Beyond Indigo Is Looking for Message Board Monitors

Interested in volunteering a few hours each week to monitor a message board and interact daily with the Beyond Indigo community? We're looking for monitors to share their experience, strength and hope. If you are interested, contact Julie at julie@beyondindigo.com for more information.

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is really the right place for me, as I don't pretend to know what you are all going through. My story might be a little hard to understand, especially to understand why I feel so upset, when you are all going through so much worse, but here goes. Almost five years ago now my stepmum was pregnant. I was so excited, we knew it was going to be a girl, so for the first time I was going to have a little sister. We went clothes shopping for her, did up the nursery, and picked out names, among other things, in preparation for her birth. Two weeks before she was due, my stepmum went to have her final ultrasound while I was at school. I'll never forget that day. When I got home I was told my sister had died. She never got to see us, or know how much we all loved her. People think that beacuse she was stillborn and we didn't know her, we can't miss her. But she was alive for us for nine months, and we loved her. I was thriteen at the time, and can't believe that it will be five years since that day in just a few weeks. I think about Zoe all the time, but have noone to talk to about it because it's too painful for all my family to think about her, and we have no real memories to talk about. I wish I'd gotten to know her, but I at least know that I will never forget her.

My heart goes out to you all,

know that I'm thinking of each and every one of you.

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Mindy,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are definitely in the right place. What you have gone through is very painful. I completely understand where you are coming from. My best friend lost her child in a similar way very close to the due date. It was hard on me just as a close friend.

I hope you will continue to come and share with us. It really does help.

Take Care,

Julie

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chris4ever21

I have been with Chris since I was 17 years old, I'm now 21. We had shared the best and worst of times, but we always made it through. We knew we were perfect for each other, we were inseparable from day one.

We had been talking about moving in together, getting married and starting a family later down the road. All of our friends already knew we would be the couple to be together forever. On December 14th after months of searching and applying for an apartment, we found one in a perfect golf course community only minutes from either parents' home. The next day we faxed in the application and by December 17th it was ours. We slept the first night on the floor, no tv just a radio and pillows and blankets. It was ours we finally made it!

December 21st we both had the day off work. We had to go Christmas shopping for each other so we woke up and that afternoon went our separate ways. All day long we talked. That night I made it home before he did. I curled up on the couch and watched TV. He called me around 10 to say the mall was closing and he would be home shortly and he had some gifts he couldn't wait to give me.

I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was 1:30 a.m. and Chris wasn't home yet. I panicked, and called his cell phone crying and asking him to please come home. I knew something was wrong -- no matter what he would always answer his phone.

I got in my car to start driving to see if he was broke down somewhere and that's when I got the call. Chris and his friend had been in a terrible car accident. I rushed to the hospital and waited and prayed for 18 hours hoping he would come out of the coma, but he didn't. The impact from the tree hit on his side and his brain had swollen. It got to the point medications and tubes were not helping.

The love of my life was gone. I later found out he had put a deposit down on an engagement ring that night and was going to return to pick it up on Christmas Eve.

I will love Chris forever.

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slowlyhealing

chris4ever21, I am so very sorry about your loss. I have not yet had the joy of finding my first love, or the love of my life. I have no clue what your going through, I just wanted you to know that your in my thoughts and prayers. Continue sharing with others how you feel, cause it does help, even when it doesn't feel like it, in the long run I promise you it will help.

May God hold you in his loving arms and get you though this

Nicole

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Chris4ever,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I do hope that you will continue to share with us and let us help you through your rough times.

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chris4ever21

thank you all so very much. I am no longer myself. I was once a fun loving girl with a smile permanently on my face but now I feel there is nothing to smile about. There are so many things that rush through my mind, why couldn't I have been in the car with him. Why couldn't we have been shopping together, why god why. I will never get the answers I want until I am one day with him. It does help to get my feelings out and realize there are other people out there who care and some who know just what I am going through. Thank You

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slowlyhealing

chris4ever21

I know that the pain is still so real. Loosing my father, and soon to loose my mother. I find it so hard to smile somedays. There are days where I don't want to get up, and I don't want to live anymore. What is there left to live for? I don't have a boyfriend... I don't know if I'll ever get one. The family I have now... theyre vanishing from me, and soon I will be alone, more alone than that feeling of standing in a crowded room yet you are the only one there. I don't understand somethings especially with death and sorrow, and pain... but I know friends and family help each other, or at least should... I know how it feels to ask billions of questions and yet they seem to go unanswered. Why God? Why are you letting this happen to me? I won't have a life after... I won't... I feel as though I'm dying. Oh God Why?

It took me so long, and it still takes me some time to realize that this is not His doing, yes God is in control, and yes He is there with me as I weep, but the world is a wicked place, full of hurts and pains, but God gives us things to bring to life our hopes and dreams.

For some reason I know its going to be another rough night, but I have hope of a brighter tomorrow, even if it means moms not there, my dads not there, or my friend.

I can't promise you that the pain will go away tomorrow, but I promise you that if you look God is there holding you and showing you a way through. You never have to forget the ones you love. Remember the happy moments. Remember the laughs and the kisses. In time the pain will heal. It takes time... and it takes God's loving strength to move on.

I'm still learning, and I'm still here

Nicole

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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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chris4ever21

I know that the pain is still so real. Loosing my father, and soon to loose my mother. I find it so hard to smile somedays. There are days where I don't want to get up, and I don't want to live anymore. What is there left to live for? I don't have a boyfriend... I don't know if I'll ever get one. The family I have now... theyre vanishing from me, and soon I will be alone, more alone than that feeling of standing in a crowded room yet you are the only one there. I don't understand somethings especially with death and sorrow, and pain... but I know friends and family help each other, or at least should... I know how it feels to ask billions of questions and yet they seem to go unanswered. Why God? Why are you letting this happen to me? I won't have a life after... I won't... I feel as though I'm dying. Oh God Why?

It took me so long, and it still takes me some time to realize that this is not His doing, yes God is in control, and yes He is there with me as I weep, but the world is a wicked place, full of hurts and pains, but God gives us things to bring to life our hopes and dreams.

For some reason I know its going to be another rough night, but I have hope of a brighter tomorrow, even if it means moms not there, my dads not there, or my friend.

I can't promise you that the pain will go away tomorrow, but I promise you that if you look God is there holding you and showing you a way through. You never have to forget the ones you love. Remember the happy moments. Remember the laughs and the kisses. In time the pain will heal. It takes time... and it takes God's loving strength to move on.

I'm still learning, and I'm still here

Nicole

My heart is with you right now. There is nothing I can say that will make it better now, but I know everytime I ask for help upstairs it comes. Remember it doesn't always come right away but when you you are ready for it it is dropped on your lap. Even for a brief second it will give you exacly what you need for that second. Just ask! I am not a bible thumper but I believe someone is always watching out for you and you will find piece.

Don't stop holding on. You see that you will have been glad you didn't give up.

Sometimes helping someone else will give back to you.

Kindest Regards,

Phil

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slowlyhealing

Philmarusa,

Thanks for your comforting words. You are right when you ask God for help. He'll send you some, even if it comes in a different form than you asked it for, and it doesn't always come right away. God also tests us in ways I can't truly explain, but when He knows that the load we are bearing is getting to be to much he always sends help.

I am scared, but I know God is here. I don't know what the future brings for me or any of you... but I know God has a plan. Even though the pain is so very real, and even though there are days where I don't want to go on, God still has a plan, and he still loves, and he still comforts, and HE is still GOD.

I don't have to hold on to the past and the pain of the loss and neither do any of you. Letting go is one of the hardest things a human being has to do. You don't have to forget the person. You never have to forget them. But let go of the pain that holds so tightly to your heart. Friends and family though they may seem few they are still there, and God is always there.

The future may look grim, but I try to focus on today, even though the tomorrows are fast approaching. If I worry so much about the tomorrows, I know for a fact I would worry my self to death. So I don't know where I'm going to live after mom dies. I haven't been able to get a good paying job yet, cause I need to be with her, and I only have one more semester after this college and then I have to be transfered, Where in the world am I going to go to be close when my mom lets go.

The questions are knocking on my door, and I have prayed. My dad gone, and my mom will soon join the angels and God in heaven. I at least know one thing. She won't suffer anymore. There will be no more pain, and no more being trapped in that this body of hers.

Yes they'll be pain, but a part of me rejoices, and maybe one day I'll move past the pain and truly rejoice.

Until that day, I pray, and I hope that my story can touchs others. Hold on to what you have, but for those who also lost someone. Remember the good, not the bad. Remember the times you shared, and think about how that loved one would want you to live on.

Thanks again Phil your words helped more than you'll know.

Nicole

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Light A Candle for Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II has touched the hearts of many as he has traveled the world with his message of peace, hope and harmony. He is a man loved by many and has been the beacon of light for the followers of the Catholic Faith. Even non-Catholics have appreciated the deepness of his devotion. We note his passing in sadness and invite people of all faiths to Light A Candle to carry on his message of peace, hope and harmony.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

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I'm new here, and I'm 14. My great-uncle was a Catholic priest for over twenty years. He and I were very close since my mom and dad are divorced and my maternal grandfather was dead. I used to love to go to his masses. He'd always pick on people in the congregation. Last June, he was diagnosed with a terminal form of brain cancer after growing disorientated and weak during Mass. He went to Mayo Clinic, in the company of his long-time friend, Sister Sandy DeGidio. They told him he would have six months to live, but possibly longer if he were to join an experimental treament. Having nothing to lose he joined, and underwent combos of chemotherapy and radiation, with Sister Sandy at his side. They were very close; if they had not taken vows of chastity I think they would have married.

The treatments took a toll on his body--mind you, he was 72--and he lost all his hair, and grew weaker by the day. For a while, we began to think it was working. He had surgery to remove the tumor, but they had to take out part of his brain. But after several months of treatment he began to develop intracranial swelling. Five months after being diagnosed, he was put in a nursing home with hospice. Sandy slept in a chair beside his bed. After living a month past his life expectancy, he fell into a coma. My mother, and Sandy stayed up with him all night for a couple weeks. Family and his parish continued to rally around him as they had for nearly a year now. But still, he died.

When the pope died, I had a meltdown. I still don't know if I was crying for me uncle, or for the holy father. The world has lost its grandfather. And yes, Biadmin, I lit a candle for him.

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Write365, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. He sounds like a wonderful man. I hope you will continue to share with us. Talking about your feelings really helps.

Take Care,

Julie

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He was actually my uncle; he couldn't have been my grandfather because he was a Catholic priest and they cannot marry. But you're partially right--he really was like my grandfather. I'm a writer, and he always supported me in that endeavor. An essay I wrote was published last month--two months after Leo's death--and I kept thinking how happy he would have been. Like I said, after the Pope died I had a meltdown. Not a psychotic meltdown, just crying for about a week. Then Sister Sandy, who lives in Milwaukee with the rest of her convent, came to town to meet the priest that was going to "replace" my uncle. She took me out on the porch and said, "Look, I know Leo was more than your uncle..." and her eyes filled up with tears. I'm the type of chick that no one cries alone in my presence, so we stood out on the porch crying. But I'm doing better, and intend to become a regular on this site. If anyone, anyone needs to talk, I have e-mail and MSN messenger. you can find me at history_buff_90@hotmail.com.

Everybody, you can call me Ashley. I just didn't want my name right out there..and I admit it, I love pen names!

Ashley

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Guys, you know how my uncle died of brain cancer? We just found out that my first cousin twice removed--who we're very close to--has blood cancer. Myeloma.

There was a picture that was passed around at my uncle's funeral of Leo, Cousin Margaret, the one with cancer, and my late great-grandmother. Margaret is the only one in the picture alive. but how long will that last?

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Why is this such a slow-moving forum? I don't understand--there must be a ton of people out there like me who have lost someone, yet here's a place where we can get and give support, and no one replies. I just don't get it.

ashley

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Sometimes, we have so many people to talk to and so many options in here, we kinda miss out on getting everywhere. My apologies for the delays. If you like, look at the dates to see the most active boards here, and just write. There are many people here, and so caring. I hang out here just for that reason. Keep stopping in, and I will make a point to find your post.

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tdubslilsis14

Hi I'm Alexis, my mom just told me about this website bc she has been using it 4 a while, and thought it might help me. I just turned 14 a couple weeks ago. My older brother died from a car accident caused by a drunk driver, it took away his and his good friend Kristins life. This happened about 5 months ago. They were only 16 years old and Juniors in high school. Kristin passed away at the scene of the accident, which was Nov. 13, 2004. Travis (my brother) passed away 5 days later at a Methodist Hospital in Gary, Indiana on the 18th. Kristin would have been 17 last Dec, and Travis would have been 17 this May. Its hard without them, my parents and 9 year old lil brother just aren't the same anymore....and i don't think i really am either. My parents have been trying 2 get me into to counciling, but they never ended up wrking out....i don't like to talk about it to someone who knows completely nothing about me, except what they read in the paper they get. I think its better to talk to my friends about it.

travis- www.traviswoerner.com

kristin- www.kristinmarierice.com

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Tdubslilsis14, hi and welcome. There are so many people here who care so much. It may seem strange to talk about what you're going through with people you don't know, but together we try to heal from our painful losses.

I am so sorry about your losses. I lost three cousins a few years ago by street violence, and my older brother died shortly after I was born, so I never met him. I can only imagine the pain and anguish you feel losing your brother after knowing him for so long. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to visit and talk anytime. Mark

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T.....14 I'm sorry for your losses. Everyone here has lost someone, and we're always here to help. You can come here to grieve, give support, or just gripe! We're all grieving, but helping others and talking about it does help. and if you need me, you can find me at history_buff_90@hotmail.com.

ashley

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tdubslilsis14

Its now been about 6 months since my older bro and Kristin passed away. Travis (my bro) would have turned 17 May 12th. My brothers best friend Chrissy has ben have a really hard time w/ all of this also. She won't even talk 2 us or come 2 visit. She says were remind her too much of Travis. Like my 9 year year old lil bro is pretty much a spitting image of my older bro. And they say i look a lot like him 2....especially my eyes...all 3 of us have the big crystal baby blue colored eyes...I wanna try 2 help chrissy but she won't even talk 2 me or look at me bc she doesn't want 2 cry infront of me. I'm not sure what I should do. We r both really upset about all thats happened. During last week we got news that a new graduate from our school died while fighting in Iraq. She new him pretty well and so did my dad. I miss Kristin and Travis sooo much....its hard w/ out them...

Lexie

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I'm very sorry about the graduate who died. you might try telling Chrissy that's it okay to cry in front of you. Try to get her by herself. She needs to talk, and to cry, and so do you. A blubberfest--chocolate included--can do wonders.

ashley

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tdubslilsis14
I'm very sorry about the graduate who died. you might try telling Chrissy that's it okay to cry in front of you. Try to get her by herself. She needs to talk, and to cry, and so do you. A blubberfest--chocolate included--can do wonders.

ashley

Hi its Tdublilsis14,

Chrissy finally came 2 visit the other day. We have this thing we do where every other week we give each other little gifts. Its pretty fun. Besides losing my brother my mom is in the hospital not doing so well. She's sick w/ something called Pancreatitis. Its really scary 2 see her like that bc it reminds me of when i had to see my 16 year old brother hooked up 2 all the machines barely alive. And it also scares me bc my best friends mom died from what my mom has. My dad trys so hard 2 get my little bro and i to our practices, games, comepetitions....etc. My brother plays basketball, baseball, lacrosse, golf and im alwayz competeting 4 all-star cheer like practically every weekend plus all of our pracitces and traveling to different states. I know its really hard on him...well i better get goin...thnx 4 responding...

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Last summer my mom had the same thing your mom has. i had to call the ambulance for her. the day before, my great-uncle, whom I was very close to, was diagnosed with brain cancer. He died in January. I hope your mom will be all right.

ashley

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Hi Everyone,

My name is Jordan I lost my brother at 16 in a quad accident. It was very sudden me and my brother did alot of things together. We used to quad, snowboard, waterwakeboarding and pretty much everything else. Thats all for now,bye Jordan.

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Hello everyone. I'm new to this site. When I was in the 4th grade I lost a cousin of mine to suicide. I never really knew him so it wasn't too hard on me. But when I lost my babysitter and piano teacher (same guy) it was hard. I was still young, in elementary school. I wasn't exactly sure what they meant when they said he killed himself. He OD on his insilin i believe. I remember his funeral, sitting there not knowing what was going on around me. I took a rose petal, i thought it would die the next day. I always said that is how I would remember Phillip. It lived for months. Just a single rose petal..In 6th grade my mom lost her best friend from breast cancer. That too was hard on me, I knew the family well. She had 3 little girls, the youngest wont remember her. In 7th grade I became depressed and started cutting. It went on for awhile but in 8th great it came on heavy. And on the 26th of March hearing that my friend tried to take his life...that tore me apart. I literally fell to pieces after that. It's been 2 years 4 months and 10 days since hes been gone. I got to say goodbye to him, but he was in the hospital brain dead. I never saw it coming with MG, he was the happiest person I knew. He was always around, always there to talk, to lend a hand, lend a dollar to. But sooner or later he ended up feeling like a pig. He felt worthless. After that I felt worthless. I thought it was all my fault. To this day I am depressed, yeah I cut myself. I drink, alcohol numbs the pain. I take pills a lot, its fun to see what they will do. One of these days, I'm gunna see him again. He'll meet me at the pearly gates. I'm really depressed right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything..

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Maariet, it's painful to lose someone, especially someone you really like or love. When I was a teenager, I drank so much and took so many things, my high school permanent record had "drug addict and alcoholic" written in red ink at the top, above my name. The pain you want to be free from won't go away by using alcohol or drugs. The only way to be freed from grief and it's pain is by going straight through it. Please go to a counselor as soon as you can, so the counselor can work with you to get through this pain. Do something special that you like, just so you can feel good about yourself. Go to a movie, or do your nails, just to be special. It will help you. Please write again, as much as you want to.

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Tinasdad- I have tried counselling. In 8th grade after MG killed himself they had a group for people who still needed help getting through it. The teachers thought it was a good idea and so my parents agreed and I had no choice. The problem is I am afraid to let everything out. In fact I hate it. I could have the perfect opportunity, and yet no words will be said. People will ask me, and just to drop it I will play it off that I'm fine. When it gets brought up, it's like this wall closes up around me and I don't even know the code. I want to get better, but I am sick of feeling like crap all the time. I have worked so hard just to not kill myself, and nothing has paid off. I have gotten no where. What more is there to do?

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maariet, you just took a giant step toward getting better. While you hate to let it all out, you just let a little bit out here. You should be proud of this. I get the feeling that you're a bit like me, that you don't want to let the feelings out because once they're out, we think the painful stuff is going to run all over. It really doesn't, and once you open up and start talking about one little thing at a time, it all starts getting easier for you. I've been down this road. My 21 year old daughter was killed by someone, and you're welcome to read about it on this website, but reading it can be disturbing, especially to teenagers. Please keep writing, and I'll stay here to listen. We'll do all we can to help you. You're not alone now.

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Hello everyone!

My name is Lana. I'm 17 and a brand new member of Beyond Indigo.

A brief overview about me...at age 13, I graduated high school after 3 years of homeschooling by my mom. I began showing and training American Quarter Horses with sights of becoming a professional horse trainer. At age 14, I enrolled in UC Berkeley Online and completed English Composition 101 by age 14. At age 15, I met my friend Gina and began working for her as her sales associate. I also started my own rhinestone clothing line. Below, the rest of my story is unfolded and revealed...

MY LOSS:

On December 5th, 2003, a phone call changed my life forever when my dear friend and "2nd mom" Gina was diagnosed with Meningococcal Meningitis, a rare bacterial infection known to be fatal. Only 3,000 US citizens become ill with Menigitis each year. I couldn't believe the fate I was faced.

For nearly six weeks, Gina was bedridden, comatose and on full life support in a San Francisco hospital where she underwent multiple surgeries (including leg and finger amputations) in simple attempts to save her life.

Throughout the hoilday season, I stood by her bedside faithfully for countless hours, praying for a miracle I knew only God Himself could create.

On January 13, 2004, at age fifty-one, Gina’s suffering ended and a major chapter in my life closed. I was there when Gina died, touching her neck...able to feel her very last pulse...

After Gina died, I lived several weeks of complete shock, denial, anger and depression. At the six month period, I noticed a change in myself which I thought was healthy. I felt as if I was moving on...until recently.

Today, now 19 months later, I realize I'm beginning to go through another emotionally deep, highly intense stage of grieving. Probably the roughest yet. I have been reading about the adolescent grieving process and feel I'm completely normal. However, lately I have been suffering with physical symptoms including...stiff/sore neck, back and shoulders, slight chest pain, fatigue, unable to concentrate, anxiety and nevervousness.

Though all the articles I've read state this is also very normal, I can't help but to be concerned. To simply state it...I honestly feel like I've forgotten how to just live life care free, cut lose, have fun, be me and not drag all my mental upset into my future plans.

My mom has been incredible through this process, always offering to take me somewhere or talk to help ease the pain. Though my mom has given me all she was capable of and more, she herself has never been through such a tramatic death experience. So, it's basically impossible for her to understand fully how my emotions and thought process is affected.

Anyhow, I have so much more to express, but I think I'm end on this note.

To whoever created this website...it's AWESOME! A wonderful supportive network... :-)

God Bless,

Lana

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cursedlove114

ok, well this is my first time on this site.. my parents said i should try it out, so here goes...

First a little bit about me. my name is Kristin. I am 18 years old and live in good ole new jersey. i'm a student at my local community college.

Ok.. so about my loss...

Almost 2 months ago (august 7th 2005) i lost my older brother.

His name was Matthew. He was 24 years old.

i'll tell the whole story...

my parents had just gone on vacation. they left saturday morning to go to gettysburg. they wanted to stay the night there then drive down to south carolina the next day. so of course once they leave, our furnace breaks so we have no hot water, so we can't shower. so my parents called the oil company to come fix our furnace. so i of course being the most responsible out of my two brothers, Scott 22 and Matthew 24, had to wake up early to talk to the oil guy and let him in the house and so on. my parents put me in charge of the house. my brother matthew had always had anxiety problems and depression, so my mom before she left said to me "kristin, you are in charge of the house. but most importantly you are in charge of matthew." and those few words, changed my life forever.. along with his depression and anxiety the previous couple of days before my parents left he was complaining about horrible stomach pains. my mom figured he had a stomach virus so he told him to sjust stay home and relax. so now it's saturday night i don't wanna stay home i wanna go out and do stuff, ya kno i'm 18. but i was in charge of the house so i had to make sure it was still standing by the time my parents got home. so i had to take care of my dog, and well my brother. that night matthew came home completely out of it, work had sent him home early because he was in so much pain and he was having an anxiety attack, so i told him to relax, i told him to calm down take deep breaths, take his xanax and lie down on the couch to relax and calm down. so he did and he fell asleep while watching tv. later on my brother scott came home with his friend tristan so the 3 of us hung out that night. i woke up really early sunday morning (august 7th) to wait for the oil guy. i went down to our living room which we call.. used to call our green room. *long story short, green couches, green shades, equals green room* and i noticed matthew was still sleeping on the couch so i quickly glanced at him and noticed he wasn't moving. i was making so much noise cause i didn't know he was still sleeping so i was wondering how he didn't wake up from it. so i walked over to him. he was lying on the couch with his sweat pants and no shirt on. as i was looking at him it looked like he wasn't breathing, so i went to shake him awake and once i put my hand on his bare back i quickly pulled away in shock. his skin was ice cold. i looked at his face and his face was so pale and his lips were so dark. i started freaking out. i ran to scott's room crying yelling at him to help me. and thank god he stayed home that night, if he wasn't there i don't know what i would have done. so we both ran over to him scott got a wet paper towel and put it on his forehead he started shaking matthew, but we both knew there was nothing we could do. so we ran out of the house. scott was in complete shock, he kind of walked away from the whole situation, leaving me with the weights on my shoulders. i called 911. and the police and ambulances were there within 10 minutes. the medical examiner walked in the room, and within like 30 seconds walked right back out into the kitchen, whee scott and i were. and told us "i'm sorry there's nothing we can do.. he's gone" i didn't know what to do i just sat there crying and crying. the police officer stayed with me almost the entire time, every 5 seconds he would be like "do you need anything? are you alright? do you wanna talk? can i do anything?" and then he asked one question that i was dreading to answer "do your parents know about this yet?" i looked at him and started balling saying i can't call them i can't do it! but i knew i had to.. so somehow i worked up the courage to call my dad's cell phone. my mom picked up the phone all happy and giggling, and i quickly asked mom, where are you? and she said well.. we're on a road.. in west virginia, why? i said mom, you need to turn around and come back home. she already knew it was about matthew, she started freaking out is he ok? is he in the hospital? and i just started crying and i don't know how the words came out of my mouth but somehow i got up the nerves to say "mom, matthew passed away in his sleep last night" she quickly said ok we'll be home in 5 hours, we're turning around, and quickly hung up on me. i think she was in shock, and didn't want to become hysterical on the phone with me. so eventually they came home and the 4 of us just cried together for hours. the medical examiner called us later on telling us that he had technically passed away at about 10:00 - 11:00 saturday night, and the reason he passed away was that night he took his xanax *anxiety medicine*, and apparently took a little too much of it, and he also took muscle relaxants *where he got them.. we don't know* but the combination of the 2 had been so much with his weak body that it just shut down his entire body. and he was lying on the couch until 7:30 the next morning. no one even noticed.

my entire family has felt a tremendous amount of guilt because of this. but i feel absolutely horrible about it. i have so much guilt. my mom put me in charge of my brother. and i failed her. i failed him. maybe if only i had done something. if i had talked to him later on saturday night and took him to the hospital he could have gotten his stomach pumped. if i had done something.. anything. but no i didn't want to deal with his anxiety that night and i went and hung out with scott and tristan. if i had paid a little more attention to him that night.. would he still be with us??

that's a question that i'm going to have to live with the rest of my life..

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Kristen,

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. My heart just aches for you. You are not responsible for what happened to your brother. I can completely understand what it felt like to just want to hang out with your brother and his friend, you're 18! That's what 18yr olds do. You have enough hurt without having to feel guilty. This is going to be a really rough road for you and your family, so go easy on yourself. May you find peace,

Dottie

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Kristin,

I am so sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault! I can totally understand the guilt you are feeling. I had a tragic death in my family growing up where my younger brother died in a house fire....I blamed myself and carried tremendous guilt for 35 years. I think no-matter what happened you/we could always find reasons why we didn't save them....the truth is we feel so bad they had to go that we take on the burdon of carrying guilt. It took me so long to be able to really examine the truth of all the circumstances of that tragic day to really understand and see it really wasn't my fault. I know if you could of saved him you would of....ask yourself that....the answer will be yes. Please be gentle with yourself as you have been thru such a tragic experience.....God bless!

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cursedlove114

Ashleysmom and Lauraa,

i would like to thank you both for the sympathy that you showed me. it's been very hard for me. especially since i'm the kind of person who doesn't share their feelings well. i usually just bottle up my emotions.. and that's very unhealthy. that's why i was told to use this site. i was told to express myself, and not have to worry about anyone judging me, just helping me, because everyone on this site has been through pretty much the same thing.. whether it be a loved one or a friend.. it's all the same pain. the depression and the guilt is going to be with me for a long time.. and i know that. this whole thing has changed my life so dramatically already.. it will always be with me. one thing that helps is to hear people tell me that it's ok and that i did everything i could. my friends don't like to talk to me about it, i guess they feel like they'll just upset me. but i wish they would just talk to me. i don't want to be the one burdening others about this whole thing. it's been 2 months.. and i'm just nervous if i try to talk to anyone about it, they'll just think to themselves 'oh god this again'.. that is one of the reasons i don't talk to anyone about it. i don't want people to get tired of me talking about it.

people always say 'don't blame yourself' in these kinds of situations. and before this happened i was one of those people. but once you go through the pain of it all. it changes your entire outlook on everything. you can tell yourself over and over again that it wasn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done, but none of it helps. guilt is just one of those natural feelings that you feel when you lose someone. it helps more to talk to people who have already been through this, it kind of makes you see, well all of these people went through the same thing i'm going through and they made it out ok, so i guess i can do it too.. everything works out in the end. it's just going to take me a long time to get over this..

thank you so much for the posts!

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Hello. I'm Jessie. This is my first time here, my dad told me that these web sites can really help. He sent me this link and I thought I would try it. I'm 21 years old and from Missouri.

My loss:

On September 30, 2004 I lost my brother Brian(24) in a motorcycle accident. He had left early for work that morning to see his 6 year old daughter before she went to school. Later the day I found out that he was riding his motorcycle to work and was in an accident. He had collided with tractor trailer. They say that he was killed instantly. The night before him and I hung out at my friends house. The last thing I told him was "Good night, I Love you Brian." I had to tell all of his friends, my mom, my brother. I don't see how I did it. For a 20 years old that's a lot of stuff. My family and I went to see him at the hospital. That was the hardest thing. I walked into that room and started sreaming. See my brother there so still. So cold. I just wanted him to wake up. I sat there and held his hand talking to him asking him to wake up. I remember a talk that Brian and I had. I had just moved back home last summer. We were sitting outside on the trucks tailgate...he put his arm around me and gave me this little grin.."I'm so happy you are home." He told me how worried he was for me and how he prayed for me every night. I looked at him and as he was telling me this I saw a tear roll down his cheek. "I love you, Jessie. I'm so happy you are home." I realized how much he cared about and loved me. I just wish I could have told him how much that conversation meant to me. I will remember that for the rest of my life. I just have so many questions. I was the first one to find out about him, I was the last one to actually hang out with him and I was the last one to see him go.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jbeachyk, I'm sorry your brother is no longer with you. This grief feels like it can eat us alive, but believe me, we get through it - somehow. Talking about it helps a lot. Cherish the moments you had with him. Some people use a journal to remember these things. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace.

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tdubslilsis14

Hi, I'm Alexis. I am 14 years old and I lost my older brother who was only 16 years old. He was killed in an accident caused by a drunk driver in November of 2004. I now have to live everyday with the pain and the memories flashing in my mind every second. It was the scariest thing in the world to see your older brother in the intensive care unit hooked up to life support, cuts on his face, a cast on his right arm, his whole body swollen, his clothes covered in blood, barely breathing and in a coma. My 10 year old brother and I will never get that picture out of our minds. It scares us to think that our older brother is dead because of someone elses bad decisions. I was only 13 and my little brother was only 9 at the time of the accident.

Everyday I think about how bad I want him back. Sometimes I'll sit in my room and cry and ask the why questions over and over and over again. It just doesn't make any sense at all. He never did anything wrong. He was the funniest person you could ever meet. His favorite thing to do to cheer someone up was stick quarters up his nose. And trust me, I have no clue how he did it...his nose wasn't very big. He never cared what people thought of him, he was always his self no matter what. Mud wrestling with a group of girls after tipping their boat over while canoing. Him and a group of his friends putting their clothes on backwards and inside out after weight lifting during school, he was the only one who kept it that way the whole rest of the day. Everyone said he had the best eyes. They were crystal baby blue and he had goofy big ears that made him even cuter (his friends said). Not like very many guys, he would actually listen to his best friends boy drama just because he cared about her so much. You could tell him anything he would always be there to listen. He was very athletic and played football, basketball, and baseball. I was so proud to have him as my brother. He impacted so many lives and everyone was torn apart when he passed away. Nobody will even be the same. I just wish I had one more chance to say "I love you" and have him say it back.

Since he died, I've been speaking infront of so many crowds telling my story. I speak at schools and the forums in memory of the 8 teens that died between August 2004-June 2005 all because of reckless driving. I try to get across that drinking and driving can kill u or someone else at an instant. It doesn't matter whose driving. I don't want anyone else to go through what I have. I've been on the news and in the paper and anounced to many different schools. People say I'm inspiring because I'm one of the shyest people you could ever meet but I have the strength to get up there and speak. Its changed my life forever.

www.Traviswoerner.com - 5/12/88-11/18/04

www.kristinmarierice.com - 12/13/87- 11/13/04

www.whenyoudrive.com - in memory of the 8 Hamilton county teens

Angels Just 16

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alwaysmyjennifer

hey Alexis. I'm sorry you saw all that, and lost your brother. The why's are things we may never know, even though we ask them all the time. Take time for yourself, so you can reflect on his life and love for you and your family. Speaking about the dangers involved in drinking and driving is such a noble thing. This can also be healing for your heart. If coping with the images is difficult, ask to see a counselor. It's okay to do this, and will be helpful. Take care, and I'll pray for your peace. Mark

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Alexis: It sounds as though your brother was a great guy and what a awful loss for you. I am so sorry. I agree with Mark/Alwaysmyjennifer, what a noble thing you are doing. Not just noble though, I think it is brave, even heroic. I also agree that this will help you through your grieving, what I found to help me after the loss of my daughter was to talk about her and people seem to be afraid to talk about those that have been lost...it is healing for us. Keep up the good work, I know that you are saving lives by what you are doing, very commendable.

Hugs, Denise

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tdubslilsis14

Hey,

Thanks for responding back. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. I also forgot to mention that my brother wasn't the only one who was killed. Another 16 year old named Kristin died at the scene. Since I've been around her parents a lot, I kind of know what its like for you. And my parents are going through what you are too. my mom showed me this website and it seems to help a little. Not very many message boards have people actually respond back directly. Thanks again.

Love Always,

Lexie

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alwaysmyjennifer

Alexis, this is a great place to be for our journey of healing. It's not easy for anyone in a family. For parents, it's a nightmare. We raise our babies, and are so attached. Losing them is like someone tearing out our hearts. Thanks for your kindness. What you are doing for Kristin's family by your presence can never be put into words. I'll keep praying for you and your family; their families, through this. Mark

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