Feeling alone

[TonyRoberts]

Hello,

My name is Tony and I am 42 and a student. In the last 4 years I have lost (in order) my mother (2007), paternal grandfather( 2008), maternal grandmother(2009), paternal grandmother(2009), and my 19 year old only son and child (2011). I lost my stepfather in 1998, my maternal grandfather in 2002, and my maternal aunt in 2004. I am married to a wonderful woman, whom I love greatly, but I have really been feeling alone. I have basically lost the only biological family that I considered close. I have really became very cold and I do not show emotions except for my son who I allow the pain to build until I finally break. I believe this is really causing problems between my wife and I. I mentioned to my wife that I kind of feel like my mother abandoned me when she passed. I know she did not choose to go, actually, my brother and I had to make the decision to let her go. My brother and my father are no longer part of my life because of things they did to family members. Back to my mom, I do not mean that I am angry that she abandoned me, I just lost someone who I could talk to about anything. I used to ask her advice on things that happened in my marriage and I could not talk to my wife about these things because we were fighting.

I am a grad student in counseling and human development, I understand a lot of the things that are going on, as well as my wife is a counselor, but things are more difficult to deal with when you are the one that is suffering. I do not know how to describe what has been going on with me, other than I really have a strong need to be needed and wanted. I have decided to consult a psychiatrist, and currently waiting on an appointment. I personally believe I am suffering from Major Depressive disorder, and I need to learn some grief coping skills. I have lost interest in most of the things I use to like to do, and most things in my life that matter to me. I am really not sure what to expect from this board, I just wanted to see what happens.

Thanks,

Tony

[ModKonnie]

Hello,

My name is Tony and I am 42 and a student. In the last 4 years I have lost (in order) my mother (2007), paternal grandfather( 2008), maternal grandmother(2009), paternal grandmother(2009), and my 19 year old only son and child (2011). I lost my stepfather in 1998, my maternal grandfather in 2002, and my maternal aunt in 2004. I am married to a wonderful woman, whom I love greatly, but I have really been feeling alone. I have basically lost the only biological family that I considered close. I have really became very cold and I do not show emotions except for my son who I allow the pain to build until I finally break. I believe this is really causing problems between my wife and I. I mentioned to my wife that I kind of feel like my mother abandoned me when she passed. I know she did not choose to go, actually, my brother and I had to make the decision to let her go. My brother and my father are no longer part of my life because of things they did to family members. Back to my mom, I do not mean that I am angry that she abandoned me, I just lost someone who I could talk to about anything. I used to ask her advice on things that happened in my marriage and I could not talk to my wife about these things because we were fighting.

I am a grad student in counseling and human development, I understand a lot of the things that are going on, as well as my wife is a counselor, but things are more difficult to deal with when you are the one that is suffering. I do not know how to describe what has been going on with me, other than I really have a strong need to be needed and wanted. I have decided to consult a psychiatrist, and currently waiting on an appointment. I personally believe I am suffering from Major Depressive disorder, and I need to learn some grief coping skills. I have lost interest in most of the things I use to like to do, and most things in my life that matter to me. I am really not sure what to expect from this board, I just wanted to see what happens.

Thanks,

Tony

Hi Tony,

I am so sorry about all of your losses. You are right about learning some coping skills. Do you currently go to a counselor for your grief and loss? Are you journaling any of your feelings, etc? I am a counselor during the day at a prison. Journaling truly is a powerful tool, as is meditation and prayer. What about exercise to lift your mood? Exercise is the best known help for depression. It works better than meds, although there are times when meds may be necessary.

I know it's often hard to work through suffering, but taking one tiny step forward will help you get through this darkness. We can offer you support and encouragement through this difficult time.

ModKonnie

[TonyRoberts]

I have not started counseling, although I know I need to. I have finally set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, strangely enough, the first appointment is on the 1 year anniversary of Trav's death. I seem to focus on my son's death more than others, and I have lost all that are important to me with the exception of my wife. I will see a counselor after I start with the psychiatrist, but at this point, my depression has been ongoing for many years. I have lost interest in the things I enjoyed the most, and have times where I just feel I have nothing to loose. As I said before, this has been going on for many years, and I need to get that under control. I do appreciate your words and I will seek counseling for depression and grief.

Tony

Hi Tony,

I am so sorry about all of your losses. You are right about learning some coping skills. Do you currently go to a counselor for your grief and loss? Are you journaling any of your feelings, etc? I am a counselor during the day at a prison. Journaling truly is a powerful tool, as is meditation and prayer. What about exercise to lift your mood? Exercise is the best known help for depression. It works better than meds, although there are times when meds may be necessary.

I know it's often hard to work through suffering, but taking one tiny step forward will help you get through this darkness. We can offer you support and encouragement through this difficult time.

ModKonnie

[JillFairchild]

Hi Tony,

I can share some of what you are feeling, certainly not all of the losses over the years and can only imagine the grief over the loss of a child. My dad died on December 8th. I had been helping to care for him over the last few months and we became very close. He seemed to be doing really well, but then in one day literally, took a turn for the worse and died. I was devastated. I feel as you do, sad and alone even though I too have a wonderful spouse. People who do not feel deeply just do not understand what we are going through. I too have lost interest in many of the things I previously enjoyed. I think counseling will help - I have plans for that as well.

My only hope is that with time we can move on an accept what has happened. Life is short and I don't want to spend much of the time I have left being sad. Our parents would not want that for us either. I try to tell myself that often, when I am crying, that my dad hated it when I was sad. That helps. Hang in there and keep writing, it also help.

~Jill

[ada33r]

Tony,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It seems that just when you might be getting adjusted to a loss another one comes. Grief itself can be a very intense emotion but the good news is that recovery is possible, the acute pain you are feeling will lessen in time and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless.

Grief, however, is a necessary part of the healing process and learning to adapt to a new situation. You are adjust to life with an empty space where before there was a living human, a loved one at that. Talking about your feelings is a helpful release you might feel similar to the faithful man Job who said: "My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!" (Job 1:2,18, 19; 10:1) The point here though is that Job needed to "give vent" to his concerns. Talking will help ease the pain, make it easier to deal with.

Writing, as ModKonnie says, is a helpful release. It might be easier to express yourself in writing than to talk, but that is ok too. David, from the Bible, lost his dear friend Saul and his son Jonathan. He wrote a deeply mournful song in which he poured out his sorrow. You can read this emotional dirge that became part of the Bible book of Second Samuel. (2 Samuel 1:17-27)

Crying also helps tremendously. Tears of grief are nothing to be embarrassed about. Jesus himself "gave way to tears" when he neared the tomb of his dear friend Lazarus. Also, don't underestimate the value of prayer. Just as it is helpful to talk to a trusted friend, what better person to talk to than our loving Father who promises to comfort our hearts. "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves" (Psalm 34:18)

Overall Tony, working through grief takes patience, you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster at times but as time goes by you will become stronger. In turn, you will be a resource o guidance and counsel to other who will need it the most.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Kindest Regards,

Ada

[debbie8800]

Hi Tony: I understand your grief. I feel lost without my mom and i am doing a masters in health care and had a minor in psychology. There is a space that needs to be filled where my mother was i was very close to her as i am sure you were to your son.

I heard when a child dies the husband wife relationship is very hard, blame hurt, many things. I hope over time you heal, we will never be the same after someone dies but trying to slowly work up to a decent life again. The holidays were horrible for me.

Well take care

Debbie

[debbie8800]

Hi Tony: I understand your grief. I feel lost without my mom and i am doing a masters in health care and had a minor in psychology. There is a space that needs to be filled where my mother was i was very close to her as i am sure you were to your son.

I heard when a child dies the husband wife relationship is very hard, blame hurt, many things. I hope over time you heal, we will never be the same after someone dies but trying to slowly work up to a decent life again. The holidays were horrible for me.

Well take care

Debbie