Sudden or Violent Death of Partner

January 3, 2005

Im sorry I haven't written in a while and I hope you are still going to this board. Now that the holidays are over, I am feeling better. Honestly, I wish I could have skipped the whole thing. I thought I was doing okay but lately I'm back to crying all the time. I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself but it's hard. I used to think I was the unluckiest person in the world but after seeing the devastation of the tsunami I know that's not true. Some of those people lost their entire families and all of their possessions. It really puts things into perspective for me. I should be thankful for all that I have despite the loss of Ryan. How were the holidays for you?

February 13, 2005

I just miss him so much...its almost 2 1/2 years and it still feels like yesterday...we never used to say good-bye, because it seemed permanent..that last morning i saw him and he was happy as ever going to work..he got in his truck and was going to take a load of cement to new jeresy and come back..it was our daughter's 13th birthday two days before and he wanted to come home early that wednesday to be with us. (mike didnt live with us, but he was there every day).. he didnt come by wednesday, so i thought ok, he worked late and went right home. then i didnt hear from him thursday and i thought i would see him thursday nite. friday morning, my brother and a friend of mike's from work came to tell me he was dead..his truck was hit head on by another tractor trailer...he was gone forever. I remember having to tell our daughters, our 13 year old fainted. Our 17 year old, just walked away. She didnt want to talk to me or anyone else.

I look at picutres of us and the kids and remember how much we love him and how safe he made us feel and now all of that is gone. the girls talk to people about their grief, me, i can't...i am still so lost. I still cry almost every day. i still see him every where i look...i still wait up for him at night and i still see him on every harley davidson i see. I still look for him in his company truck, i still look for him in every black pick-up truck..i see him every where. i feel like i miss him more than i did before...is that possible... everyone of my friends want me to date and i just dont want to..i just want to be alone. lori

February 19, 2005

I lost my husband on january 16, 2005 to stomach cancer. We found out he was sick a week and a half prior. I, too feel lost. We had 2 kids together: ages 4 and 6. I am coping with my pain, but it's real hard to look in a child's eyes and know that they are never going to have their dad again. I DON"T UNDERSTAND! The hardest lesson I have learned in life is that not all of our "Whys" have answers. I do know that God's plan is better than my own. I know that although I may not understand "why" this happened, god may have a good reason. I was young and stupid at one point in my life and found myself pregnant, I had an abortion. I have 2 kids here on earth that I am more than capable to take care of, but maybe my child in heaven needed her father. Who knows? Just a thought. God is the only one that truely knows why things happen as they do. All we can do at times is have faith. That's what I try to do now, live by my faith.

February 27, 2005

Hi i lost my husband to sudden death on 13.04.2004.We had gone to bed and everything was fine,but then the next morning he was gone he just didn't wake up.Blood clot in an artery leading to his heart stopped his heart.I didn't get to say goodbye.We have 2 children,who are coping so well,i am so proud of them.But sadly it's me,i'm so angry at everyone,the world,i still can't get past WHY.And i almost feel i'm being punished,i want to feel happy again but then i feel am i wrong to want to feel happy again.To spend 13 yrs with someone and then to have noone,is so hard to cope with.I want to beleive there is a God,but my anger,and my barrier stop's me beleiving anything.My question's will never be answered,but i truly hope that he is happy,and i will always love him.

March 23, 2005

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

March 29, 2005

Hello everyone.......my name is Lori and I'm 27 years old. I lost my husband, Nathan, on January 27, 2004 in a very bad car accident. I have a lot of trouble understanding why it happened, but mostly why am I still here. I was in the car too, and while I did have some injuries, none of them were life threatening. I don't understand how two people in the same vehicle during a wreck that bad could have come out so differently. People tell me that I have a reason for being here, that there is some great thing that God wants me to do, but I don't see it. It's been a year and 2 months, and it feels like yesterday. I have pictures up everywhere, and his things are exactly where he left them. I don't want to deal with the loss yet, in some ways. I thought that I was ready to have a "friend" again, but that's not happening either. I shut people out when they try to help me, and I snap at everything.

Well, that's the shot version of my life right now. I'm very glad that i've found this website. I've been looking for something like this.

March 30, 2005

I have been with Chris since I was 17 years old, I'm now 21. We had shared the best and worst of times, but we always made it through. We knew we were perfect for each other, we were inseparable from day one.

We had been talking about moving in together, getting married and starting a family later down the road. All of our friends already knew we would be the couple to be together forever. On December 14th after months of searching and applying for an apartment, we found one in a perfect golf course community only minutes from either parents' home. The next day we faxed in the application and by December 17th it was ours. We slept the first night on the floor, no tv just a radio and pillows and blankets. It was ours we finally made it!

December 21st we both had the day off work. We had to go Christmas shopping for each other so we woke up and that afternoon went our separate ways. All day long we talked. That night I made it home before he did. I curled up on the couch and watched TV. He called me around 10 to say the mall was closing and he would be home shortly and he had some gifts he couldn't wait to give me.

I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was 1:30 a.m. and Chris wasn't home yet. I panicked, and called his cell phone crying and asking him to please come home. I knew something was wrong -- no matter what he would always answer his phone.

I got in my car to start driving to see if he was broke down somewhere and that's when I got the call. Chris and his friend had been in a terrible car accident. I rushed to the hospital and waited and prayed for 18 hours hoping he would come out of the coma, but he didn't. The impact from the tree hit on his side and his brain had swollen. It got to the point medications and tubes were not helping.

The love of my life was gone. I later found out he had put a deposit down on an engagement ring that night and was going to return to pick it up on Christmas Eve.

I will love Chris forever.

March 30, 2005

Lori and Chris4ever,

I am so sorry for your losses. I can not imagine what you must be going through losing a partner. I know that there are many here that can. Thank you for sharing so that they can help you through this difficult time.

Please keep us updated and let us know how you are doing.

Most Sincerely,

Julie

March 31, 2005

Lori122899 and Chris4ever21, my heart goes out to you in this. I am sorry for your losses. I hope you feel welcome and comfortable here. The people here who struggle with their losses share a bond. Coming to terms with this and healing is a hard road, but you will find caring friends here to help you in your journey. Feel free to write anytime, and if you need us, we will be here.

Lori, try to go easy on yourself about how you deal with people. Those who care the most about you will understand that your grief is behind those times when you "snap" at them. And when you are healed well enough, you will feel when the time is right to start building a "friendship." My wife is in the end of her illness and has brought up this issue. I dismiss it because I don't want to share my life with someone else - she is my completion, my world. This is your journey, and only you can take each step. I pray for you both peace.

March 31, 2005

Thanks Tinasdad,

I am thankful to have found this website. Normally when I sit in my office I cry and write letters and poems and stare at the picture on my desk of me and Chris on our last anniversary. Now its helps to relieve some stress by actually talking to people and getting my feelings out to others who know what its like to be in this situation.It's the hardest thing I will ever have to deal with. My mind races so much at night its hard to sleep. Ever little thing reminds me of Chris or something he would say or do. And the what ifs will never cease for me, some I feel bad about, but why did it have to be my fiance and why did they have to hit on Chris' side and why did his friend who was diagnosed as partially brain dead get released the next day.Its not fair. And it kills me to know he was going to propose on Christmas Eve only 2 days later but was not given the chance. Instead of calling up family and friends to announce the engagement I had to announce the love of my life was gone forever.

April 3, 2005

Chris4ever21, My heart goes out to you in your pain. I wish for anything I could answer the question "why", but I am not able to give anything close to that. I know that accidents and unexplainable things happen in our world. My cousin was killed by a gang member. Now I get this slow painful ride with my wife to her life's end. But here, we have people who understand our pain and sorrow. My heart's wish for you is to have peace and healing. You are in my prayers each day. I'm also thankful for this site. It's a place to talk to others who are on the same path. Someone here wrote that we have a common bond, and through our pain and loss, we do. Our bond is also that together, we can heal. Please feel free to post all you want. We're here to understand and help you.

April 5, 2005

Thank you Tinasdad.

I am having a really hard time this week. I feel so out of it, like I'm not really here. Thursday is Chris' birthday so maybe that has something to do with it.I am starting to see the phases of grief that I go through. I was doing better for about a week were talking to him and going through his clothes and pictures was a joy that brought lots of wonderful memories and now once again I can't even sleep in our bedroom its the couch for me again. I was just laying there last night and reality really hit me and I broke down, but I am still so out of it. I was thinking to myself wow, since me and Chris just moved in to our apartment 5 days before it happened, I was just looking around thinking am I really doing this on my own, never in my life would I have imagine I could survive on my own. I went from having no bills to rent,car payment,electricity,water, its all a big shock to me. I layed there crying because yes for the past 3 months I've been alone and had no choice but to make it work. Its so frightening to look toward a future without him here,but 3 months ago when it happened I wouldn't have thought I would make it this far. I am just really confused right now.I dont know how to explain it and I don't want to sound weird it's like I'm just disconnected from everyone and everything like I am once again living in a dream.

April 7, 2005

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April 17, 2005

Hi my name is Marie. I lost my fiancee, his brother, and two friends on the 19 September 2004 due to a horrific car accident. We had our hole lives planned, we were so excited for our future.

I am so lost now. I don't know what to do with myself half the time. I find the stupidest things throw me in to hysterics. I am so tired of doing this...life without Matt.

I constantly find myself questioning if what happened is real. How can I live this life without him.

I have read some of the postings and my heart goes out to all of you. I know this is hard, but I have turned to God more than I have in the past and that seems to help a little.

You are in my thoughts and prayers...I hope all of you are keeping your heads up and trying as best as you can to get through the days.

April 20, 2005

Meg,

You are in our thoughts and prayers. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I hope you will continue to join us.

Take care,

Julie

May 11, 2005

Hey All,

Mark here, and not really sure where to post anything, but guess I'll start here. April 11th, I lost my Partner of 11 years, also named Mark. He had an unexpected heart attack while taking a nap, and I found him on the couch. He'd already been gone a while, so there was no hope of getting him back even with 911. His was the most recent of a flurry of deaths...

In October my oldest Brother, Mike, died of arotic anurism (sp) while camping in his sleep. Again, unexpected and he went in his sleep. In January, my Mom died in her sleep of heart failure. She'd lived with Mark & I for the past 6 years, and although she wasn't in good health, we weren't expecting her to go yet, and certainly not of heart failure. She'd been gone a while too when I found her. I've also lost some extended family and freind recently.

When Mike, my brother died, I'd dealth with death so knew the process and was dealing with it. Then Mom died, and after I took care of her "estate", closing her last bank account, I nose dived into severe clinical depression. My doc put me on anti-depressants and sleep medication, and I was just getting to feel myself again, getting back to yard work, actually "giving a sh*t" about life again. Then Mark died... the meds aren't working as well, I feel the depression hitting harder. Both Mom & Mark were my rocks in life... those that I went to when I needed support, unconditional love, advice, shoulder, etc. My "old" doctor's rememdy to my grief the day after Mark died was to "check into a psych ward to deal with it" which didn't set well with me. He's no longer my doctor.

Anyways, a friend recommended this site, so figured I'd post something and see. Thanks for letting me vent a little and hope to hear from anyone that may have been thru some of the hell I have been thru. My heart goes out to all that have lost loved ones, and only we know how we're feeling about it first hand. Counceling can be a benefit, but all too often, those that are in the field gain their experience thru books and classes, and if you've not dealt with it personally, you just don't belong to our inner circle.

Trying to hang in there,

Mark

May 12, 2005

Mark,

I'm so sorry for your losses. What a tremendous amount of turmoil to go through in such a short period.

I hope you will continue to come and share with us and let us know how you are doing?

Julie

June 1, 2005

I am 26 years old and just buried my fiance Sean today. thursday morning I woke up at around 4am to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, i am a nurse and i didn't see any signs and i couldn't bring him back with CPR. Later we found out it was a heart attack, at 34 years old!!! he had only proposed to me the night before., and i think he knew something was going to happen because, he really was not ready for it. The ring was only ordered, he hadn\'t told his parents and hadn't asked my father. this makes it even harder becasue only him and I know . His father, brother, and sister-in-law are being wonderful, but his mom is awful. i know she is grieving, but they were not that close and the family is strict catholic and Sean was not attending Catholic church,but of course the pomp and circumsance was not spared. Sean had asked me to move in with him almost 3 months ago, I am glad that i was waiting for my lease to expire, because on the day i bury the love of my life they asked for his house key back from me. i was there more times in one week then they have been there since he bought the house almost 2 years ago. I don\'t know If I am coming or going, and still wait for him to come through my door, or call me to wish me sweet dreams. I never knew that i could hurt so deeply, I feel as if a huge part of me is gone and I have this gaping hole in my chest. My engagement was annouced in an obituary. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! I have so much anger, and if one more person says to me theat they know exactly how I feel because there 100 year old great grandmother passed away I am going to SCREAM!! (not that it doesn\'t hurt when that happens, but a little more expected) If anyone is going through or has gone through similar situations,I would love to hear from you. I feel so alone in this even though I have a great friend and family base supporting me, they try, but have no clue.

June 1, 2005

just in case you missed this i just posted a response in the "recent loss" forum....

i am 27 and almost exactly one month ago (4/29/05) I lost my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years (who i lived with for 3 years)....he died of cardiac arrest.....collapsed in a bar...was dragged outside, they called an ambulance and left him there....the paramedics got his heart beating again at 2:15am....he passed away between 4:25 and 4:27am....no one called me to even tell me he was in the hospital....i woke up at 4:30 am and realized he wasnt home yet so i called him and heard back from the hospital....

i have an apointment with a grief counselor so i cant continue writing here now, but theres more in the other forum....please do get in touch with me, i know how hard it is to lose the person you thought you were going to grow old with when you are young, because i am living this RIGHT NOW....i'm 27 and i feel as if i've lost my reason for being.....

I am 26 years old and just buried my fiance Sean today. thursday morning I woke up at around 4am to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, i am a nurse and i didn't see any signs and i couldn't bring him back with CPR. Later we found out it was a heart attack, at 34 years old!!! he had only proposed to me the night before., and i think he knew something was going to happen because, he really was not ready for it. The ring was only ordered, he hadn't told his parents and hadn't asked my father. this makes it even harder becasue only him and I know . His father, brother, and sister-in-law are being wonderful, but his mom is awful. i know she is grieving, but they were not that close and the family is strict catholic and Sean was not attending Catholic church,but of course the pomp and circumsance was not spared. Sean had asked me to move in with him almost 3 months ago, I am glad that i was waiting for my lease to expire, because on the day i bury the love of my life they asked for his house key back from me. i was there more times in one week then they have been there since he bought the house almost 2 years ago. I don't know If I am coming or going, and still wait for him to come through my door, or call me to wish me sweet dreams. I never knew that i could hurt so deeply, I feel as if a huge part of me is gone and I have this gaping hole in my chest. My engagement was annouced in an obituary. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! I have so much anger, and if one more person says to me theat they know exactly how I feel because there 100 year old great grandmother passed away I am going to SCREAM!! (not that it doesn't hurt when that happens, but a little more expected) If anyone is going through or has gone through similar situations,I would love to hear from you. I feel so alone in this even though I have a great friend and family base supporting me, they try, but have no clue.

June 19, 2005

Wow, I can't even believe I have a reason to be on this site, but unfortunately

I do. My husband was killed May 27th while doing yardwork. He was using his

ATV to cart yard debris down to the creek in our back yard. Nobody was home

when the accident happened but my 8 year old daughter and I found him pinned

under the ATV in the creek. I knew when I found him he was already gone. Just gone. Taken from me. But I tried and tried to move the 4 wheeler off of him...after calling 911....but damn if I could move it. He worked for our city so it seemed like every employee of city hall was here that day but nothing could be done. He had broken his neck when everything flipped over on him. I just can't get over how I found him, and how my daughter was screaming while I was jumping in the creek to get to him. Never in my life did I think I'd be a widow at the age of 37....We were married 8 1/2 years, but I've known him since highschool. I'm at such a loss I don't know what to do. I thought maybe telling my story here might help...

so, thank you for listening....

Terry

June 21, 2005

Hi, i'm new to this forum. Um, lets see where do I start. Well, a year ago on June 11th of 2004. My boyfriend was working under my truck (jimmy). The truck rolled off the ramps and killed him. I was standing in front of the truck and had to run and stop the truck from dragging him farther out to the alley. I tried to save him, but couldn't...He was conscience for about 5 mins, before he left me forever...I have accepted that it was his time to go and know he is in a much better place. But I have suffered from post tramatic stress disorder from this incident. I have suffered from physical problems, not sleeping, paranoid of death, i've had bad dreams (not about the actual incident but death with others). (I have sleep apnea, and one night I woke up choking from whatever, plem or acid reflux, actually it's happened to me twice, Once before my boyfriend died and the other time was last winter.) The second time just scared the hell outa me...I'm afraid to goto bed sometimes or I should say my anxiety goes up...I'm so lonely and sad. Our relationship cames with alot of ups and downs, but I loved him all the same...I was with him on and off for 5 yrs. Lived with him for a couple of years. I find myself feeling real sad about all his struggles he had in his life. He left two little girls, ages now 12 and 9. He was divorced (twice). I miss him so much and wanted to know if anyone else out there has had some of the same physical or mental problems I have after going through a tramatic event...

Also, I would like to express my sympathy to Terguzie about finding her husband. I'm so sorry you and especially your little girl,had to go through that. I can understand how scary it was for the both of you...You don't realize how much strength you have until something like this happens...I wouldn't have gotten through this if it wasn't for my family and friends. And most importantly, my faith in god. I'm not a religious fanatic, don't goto church. I just believe in the higher power and this is what has kept me from becoming bitter and angry about what has happened. I know it happened for a reason...Hope things will get better for you as time goes on. How is your daughter doing?? Roseey

June 22, 2005

I'm glad I found this site. For the past four weeks I've been surfing on Internet, reading about death, life after death, and so on.

I'm 23. I lost my boyfriend, he was 23, on Sunday May 29, 10.00 pm. This was the last day of a wonderful weekend. It started on Friday, he took me for dinner to celebrate my birthday. It was fantastic... It was the first time that I went to an 'expensive' restaurant. I kept telling him that this was the best meal of my life and he was so happy to hear that. We went home and fell asleep. The next day I had to work for a project for school, so I left quite early. I went to my project (we organized a Health Congress), he called me and asked where this congress was, he wanted to see how I was doing. He stayed the whole day, helping everybody... I was so proud of him. On Sunday morning he had to leave for work. I knew that, but when I woke up that morning, I felt so upset. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't know why I felt so stressed. When he left, I started to go mad, smashing my mobile on the wall, the remote... I don't know what happened. This was the first time that I was so angry... for nothing I thought. I was feeling light in my head. He finally came home and freaked when he saw the damages I caused, but I couldn't explain why. I was just happy that he was back. He took me again for dinner, so I would calm down. I was feeling better. After dinner I was so tired, I had no energy left due to all the emotions I felt that day. It was almost 10.00 pm. He had had to bring something to a friend and would be back in 15 min. I just remember that he said: it won't be long. I just answered 'OK'. And must felt asleep immediately. At 3.00 am, someone banged on the window... It was the police. I opened the door and look at the clock. Even then, I didn't expected to hear what they was going to announce me. Steven had a car accident, a Kilometer away. He lost control of his car and crashed into two trees. He didn't have his seat belt on and was ejected of his car and felt head first. The first week after his death, I couldn't remember anything of that Sunday. I was stuck on the Friday and Saturday. I just remembered that I was unwell that day...Now, I know that I was like that because, unconsciously, I felt that something bad was going to happen... I love him so much, this year we would be 3 years together. I've just finished school and would have moved in in September. We already had talk about marriage, kids,... We had so much plans for the future... Four weeks later... and just now I'm starting to realize that he's really gone... For ever. I will never find someone like him... We were perfect for each other... Even if I get the support of all my friends, I feel alone. I've lost my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate... What will happen with me? What are the fases I'm going to go through? Is it really true that I felt he was going to die? and is it possible that I sometimes feel his present? or is my brain making that up?

Elena

...sorry for the mistakes, I'm from Belgium and my english is not that good...

June 22, 2005

Hi Elena82,

I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. I can relate to what you're feeling. To answer some of your questions. If you feel his presense, then he is there with you. I dream about my boyfriend from time to time. You will go through alot of emotions. Sadness, loneliness, anger, emptyness...When I see other couples together, I feel bad.

The day before my boyfriend died, I got in my car to goto work that morning. My battery was completely dead. So, I got to spend the day with Bob. We walked over to get another battery at Sears, he put in my new battery and we rented a couple of movies and watched them. I think someone was looking out for me and letting me have some more time with Bob, bofore he left me forever. Yeah, I think you did know something was gonna happen to your boyfriend before the accident. Weird how it works. Have you seen the movie Signs? With Mel Gibson in it. The movie has a deeper meaning to it. It's about "signs" in our life. We chose to acknowledge it or not. Why i'm mentioning this is. I was noticing little things, during the time he was working on my truck. "Signs" as I like to call it...At first I noticed the tires were not on the ramps correctly, and I told him. He said don't worry about it. Then I was under the truck with him, from the side, and notice how the driveway slanted down towards the alley, and I can't remember the last one. But, it was like I was none directly telling him to pay attention. The problem was, he didn't have the emergency brakes on in the first place and I didn't even know this. The truck could've rolled on both of us. It's weird what goes through your mind. What ifs, if onlys, would've, could've, should've...That's normal to go through this after a loss...I'm still living in the house we lived in, even thought the accident happened in our driveway. I feel closest to him here...His mom came over one day and ask me if I feel his presence ever. I said sometimes..She told me she felt bob's presence right there and then...It was cool. Your boyfriend is close by. Be prepared for the 1st aniversaries for everything, while going throught the first year of his death...birthday, holidays, little things...You will get through it. Do you have support of your family and friends?? I'm looking for a support group to goto. Well, hang in there kiddo. I'll be thinking of you...Stacy

June 23, 2005

Hi Roseey,

Thank you for your reply. I do believe in signs, but I'm happy to get a confirmation. There were so much signs: that Sunday, but also the days before, like something stupid... I bought yoghurt and didn't look at the expiration date and when I came home I saw that it would expired on Sunday 29th May. This was a detail, but when Steven passed away, I remembered that fact. Or the Saturday, I told him how proud he made me in front of my friends and he was happy to hear that, joked and said: Well if die tomorrow I will leave a good impression. But he was joking... What was that about? Did he feel it too? or was it just a coincidence. I'm asking myself if this signs were there so I could stop this of happening, if feel so stupid to not have done something.

I only started dreaming about him this week. It's like only now, after 4 weeks, I really realize that his gone. I wish I had good dreams about him, that he talks to me and reassures me, but instead I dream that he left me for an other, that he cheats on me. And that's nonsense because he would never do that.

I also feel guilty because sometimes I'm really mad at him for leaving me behind. For riding so fast, for not wearing his seat belt. And I know that if I was in his car, he wouldn't have ride so fast and would have worn his belt. I'm mad at him because he promised me to make me happy and to be with me forever.

...I love him so much... My life has no sense without him. He was always in my future plans and now...I have nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I died, would I be back with him. Because I would do anything to be with him.

It's weird. It reassures me that I'm not the only one suffering, when I read your story I feel that you are going through the same pain...

Elena

June 23, 2005

Hi Elena,

I know it's hard when you have all those thoughts running through your mind, trying to make sense of it all. Honestly, when it is someone time to go. There's no way anyone of us can stop it. I think about the day of the accident, and remember how I couldn't get the jack to work, to get the truck off of Bob. You know, I have seen him use that jack a hundred times and knew how to use it. It was the tool that I didn't remember to click it to make the jack go up instead of down. And how I had to run into the house to get the phone to call 911, Bob had the stupid computer online and I couldn't make the call until I got upstairs to turn it off. I'm telling you Elena, those were the hardest steps to take that day, I almost couldn't make it up stairs because I was out of breath and energy...I think about noticing the signs that day and sometimes catch myself thinking if only I would've paid attention. But, I truly think it was a way to prepare myself for what was to come...you know what I mean...Also, the weird thing is. There's a lady at work (kind of a pain in the butt), I remeber her talking about her old boyfriend she had a few years back. And how it also stuck in my mind that she was with him for 5 yrs. This is how long I have been with Bob, actually on and off for 5 yrs. Funny how things really stand out and stick in your mind....Bob is buried in front of an old great great uncle (I think-don't know)but I looked at his headstone and he died on Bob's birthday, not the same year he was born but just on his birthday...Listen to this, Bob has the same birthday as my brother's girlfriend's son. Bob's cousin has the same birthday as the girlfriend's birthday. My youngest nephew birthday has the same birthday as Bob's youngest daughter's. Also, my youngest nephew middle name is Robert (same as Bob's). Everything seems to connect. I hope i'm not boring you with all this "nonsense". I just found it interesting.

As far as your boyfriend saying what he did "i'll make a good impression if I die tomorrow". Thing like that happen all the time. There's apsolutaly nothing you could've done to prevent his death. Nothing....So don't beat yourself up over it. And you have everyright to be mad. That's understandable. I'm mad i'm alone again, after how long it took for me to find him. He was my first real relationship (I was 29 at the time). I too have weird dreams about Bob. Sometimes I dream that he came back to life and we were talking about how we were gonna tell other people he was back. I've had this dream a few times. And i've had other dreams...Pay attention, there's always some deeper meaning to them sometimes...We didn't have the worlds greatest relationship. He had alot of obsticles in his life to deal with...

Trust me, I know how mad you are. My main problem is, i'm gonna be 36 yrs old this year and my biological clock is ticking. I worry i'm not gonna find anyone else to share my life with...And all the other crap that comes with it.

I want to end this letter to you with a saying that I absolutally love (and it's so true too)

Tis, better to have loved and lost,

than to never have loved at all....

Believe it or not, this situation will make you a stronger person in the long run, only if you want it to...Take care, Stacy

June 23, 2005

Hi Elena,

I know it's hard when you have all those thoughts running through your mind, trying to make sense of it all. Honestly, when it is someone time to go. There's no way anyone of us can stop it. I think about the day of the accident, and remember how I couldn't get the jack to work, to get the truck off of Bob. You know, I have seen him use that jack a hundred times and knew how to use it. It was the tool that I didn't remember to click it to make the jack go up instead of down. And how I had to run into the house to get the phone to call 911, Bob had the stupid computer online and I couldn't make the call until I got upstairs to turn it off. I'm telling you Elena, those were the hardest steps to take that day, I almost couldn't make it up stairs because I was out of breath and energy...I think about noticing the signs that day and sometimes catch myself thinking if only I would've paid attention. But, I truly think it was a way to prepare myself for what was to come...you know what I mean...Also, the weird thing is. There's a lady at work (kind of a pain in the butt), I remeber her talking about her old boyfriend she had a few years back. And how it also stuck in my mind that she was with him for 5 yrs. This is how long I have been with Bob, actually on and off for 5 yrs. Funny how things really stand out and stick in your mind....Bob is buried in front of an old great great uncle (I think-don't know)but I looked at his headstone and he died on Bob's birthday, not the same year he was born but just on his birthday...Listen to this, Bob has the same birthday as my brother's girlfriend's son. Bob's cousin has the same birthday as the girlfriend's birthday. My youngest nephew birthday has the same birthday as Bob's youngest daughter's. Also, my youngest nephew middle name is Robert (same as Bob's). Everything seems to connect. I hope i'm not boring you with all this "nonsense". I just found it interesting.

As far as your boyfriend saying what he did "i'll make a good impression if I die tomorrow". Thing like that happen all the time. There's apsolutaly nothing you could've done to prevent his death. Nothing....So don't beat yourself up over it. And you have everyright to be mad. That's understandable. I'm mad i'm alone again, after how long it took for me to find him. He was my first real relationship (I was 29 at the time). I too have weird dreams about Bob. Sometimes I dream that he came back to life and we were talking about how we were gonna tell other people he was back. I've had this dream a few times. And i've had other dreams...Pay attention, there's always some deeper meaning to them sometimes...We didn't have the worlds greatest relationship. He had alot of obsticles in his life to deal with...

Trust me, I know how mad you are. My main problem is, i'm gonna be 36 yrs old this year and my biological clock is ticking. I worry i'm not gonna find anyone else to share my life with...And all the other crap that comes with it.

I want to end this letter to you with a saying that I absolutally love (and it's so true too)

Tis, better to have loved and lost,

than to never have loved at all....

Believe it or not, this situation will make you a stronger person in the long run, only if you want it to...Take care, Stacy

June 23, 2005

oops, I accidently entered my reply twice, sorry...

June 24, 2005

Hi Roseey,

Thanks a lot. Your words really came through me. And it's true, I really feel better and I'm grateful that I have spent the 3 last years of his life with him, loving him with all my heart... And it recomfort me that I was his only True love...

Elena

June 29, 2005

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July 4, 2005

Hello everyone!

I want to thank everyone who helped me when I was grieving about the loss of Dave. If you don't remember me my fiance and I and my 2 kids were in a car accident on February 27th 2003 my fiance died at the scene and my son was badley hurt. My daughter walked out with a scratch on her knee and I have back problems.

Even 2 years later I find it hard some days and I have a hard time getting into new relationships with anyone. I still compare everyone to Dave, even though I know in my mind that there will never be another Dave. I volunteer my time to helping people who have loss loved ones suddenly and last year at 31 years old I graduated from High School at at adult high school. I want everyone to know that I am there for all of you! If you ever need me let me know.

July 13, 2005

Hello...this is my first time posting on this site..I just stumbled across it last week. My sincere sympathy and prayers go out to everyone. I find myself here for the sake of comraderie and support. I too have suffered a great loss. My "fiance/significant other" for the past 11 years suddenly passed away January 2nd this year from acute myocarditis while I was out getting my oil changed and running errands. This has been a very difficult time and it has helped reading the postings on this site. My beloved Gary was an alcoholic as well as bipolar and I loved him so. Due to these behaviors we had a very stormy 11 years..the first five we lived together..but due to the alcohol problem and bipolar personality I couldn't let this effect my children so I had him move out five years ago. I have joint custody of my children so I split my time by being with them half the week and Gary the other half. Gary could not hold a job...he semi worked for a friend of ours who let him stay in a two room apartment free in exchange for 30 hours of work per month. The last year of Gary's life he seemed to be "out of it"...

The last few months were extremely emotional..and sad. Gary was being evicted by his landlord because he stole a check from him and wrote it to himself for $200.00. The last week of his life was spent by other people moving his things into a storage unit and it was thought that he would be homeless...although the last couple days of his life his landlord agreed to let him stay at his place since it was winter..he just could not have his belongs. I could not let Gary stay with me because..while intoxicated three years ago..he tried to sleep with my daughter.

In October Gary was forced by his landlord to join AA...I was hopeful that this would turn his life around however he still continued to drink.

I told Gary a few days before he passed that we could not continue the relationship as it has been because he's not there...physically, emotionally, spirtitually...he's just gone. I know this hurt him. I did tell him we would remain friends. He came over New Years Eve while I was babysitting my grandson and was very upset that I couldn't go out...my son in law was in town who is in the Army and I knew he was going back Monday so I felt I needed to babysit for my daughter. Anyway..he came over drunk of course and had a terrible cold..I asked him if he'd seen his doctor and he replied that he had. The next day I promised we'd go out...Gary and I danced EVERY Saturday night. We went out...went back to his apartment kinda early about 12:30 because I was tired from babysitting the night before. All that was left in his apartment was one mattress and one desk. I went to sleep and woke up to hear him talking to the wall...saying "did you have Happy Holidays"..the next morning I decided I was going to get my oil changed and run some errands. Gary was sleeping soundly..so I left him a note.

I went out to my car and noticed my new cell phone was gone..went back into the apartment..called my # and found it when it in a box Gary had. He must have gone out to my car in the middle of the night and gotten it. I was angry because I thought he was stealing it from me to pawn but I didn't want to wake him since he typically had trouble sleeping and was in a sound sleep. I left at 12:11pm...called him at 3pm no answer...4pm no answer..6pm no answer. I thought maybe he was too embarrassed to answer because of taking my cell phone. Gary always calls me at 10:30pm..when I didn't receive a call from him I called his landlord in the morning..he went over and found Gary dead.

I was blown away...............would be the best words to describe it.

What followed was terrible as well..his exwife of the past 11 years took the key to his storage unit since they have a 16 year old son and we were not legally connected. Gary did not have anything of value except for his tools which are in my basement...it wasn't the value..it's just that nothing he has means anything to anyone except for he and I.

His Memorial Celebration consisted of his exwife's husband (who she was having an affair with the last two years of their marriage) give Gary's sermon and she cried...spoke and sang the song "I Hope You Dance"....instead of a celebration it was hell..............................the people who were there ex sister-in-laws..ex brother-in-laws etc. had not spoken to this man in the past 11 years.

I'm at the point where I have let go of my anger...but still deal with the crying every day. Although he had his problems I had never felt so connected and so loved by another person. Before Gary..I never felt...I was a perfectionist..it took someone like Gary for me to go through and feel the range of emotions.

I miss him terribly...............he was my bestfriend.....my confidant..........I worry how he is...where he is..he was an anetheist but I still believe..that he believed.

It feels as if this grieving is never going to end

July 13, 2005

Hi Withani,

My boyfriend too was an alcoholic, suffered from depression, had severe anxiety problems, also suffered from menerits disease(ear problems and had social anxiety problems too. Had sleeping problems too...I've been with him on and off for 5 years. Lived with him officially for the last year and a half of his life. He had two little girls. Whom loved and adored him dearly, as well as he loved them. He lost his visitations with them due to his drinking a couple of years before he died and saw them a few times (thanks to his mom and the ex's stepmom). He was never abusive with them, but just didn't have any good judgement while intoxicated (drinking and driving). In the last couple of years he had simmered down on the drinking and the last two months wasn't drinking anymore. Due to ending up in the hospital. Had to stay at a mental health hospital due to mixing his antidepressants with drinking. He was hallucinating, I ended up calling the ambulance on him...Although he never touched booze again, it was getting to the point that he was abusing his meds. He lost his job due to drinking a 3 or 4 years ago. And worked a couple of other jobs after that. Then he got a hernia on the job and he hasn't worked since (over two years now)But was looking and going to a job placement place weekly to find a job...He worked for his dad for a while during this time too. He was not a lazy person by all means. But now that he was getting sober and cut the weed out of his life (for the most part) He was left with all these personal problems and he just couldn't funtion as well as a regular person would in life. It seemed to get worse for him at times and I think guilt also had alot to do with it too...He's lost alot over the course of time, due to his drinking. He's hurt alot of people in his drinking days and stole from me to buy booze and he pawned alot of his things,as well as my things too, over the years to support his drinking. I sometimes get angry about it and feel bad, because sometimes it makes me wonder if he ever loved me. But I think about all the good times and the little things and know, that it had nothing to do with me. His mom explained that to me as well. He was a kind, gentle man. Who had no self confidence and drinking gave him that...We've gotten into, I think 3 physical fights, where I would nag him, belittle him while he was drunk. Not so much as belittle him, but just kept on chewing him out for drinking. I should have known better than to do this while he was under the influence. I never feared him while he was drinking. Anyways, we did alot together. Fishing, camping, taking long drives, we went to drive-ins almost every friday night the summer before he died. He was so talanted, he knew how to draw, he could put anything together. Very mechanically inclined. What hurt him the most, he wasn't going to be able to see his kids as much after the divorce. I think his drinking was the worse it's ever been, while he was going through his divorce. I was friends with his wife and worked with her. She also was having an affair during the last two years of their marriage. It was inevitable that they were heading towards a divorce. I just "happened" to be there and fell inlove with him the first time I met him, but we didn't start seeing eachother until they were separated...I miss working with him on projects with the house, working on other things as well, because he was always so patient with me or whoever else he was teaching. Like his step-dad said after he died, he would have had a dark cloud hanging over him for the rest of his life. We all (his mom and dad) know that he is free now. No more feeling all those negative things in this life, no more struggles....Just free. It's been over a year now that I lost him and now that I survived the first year(holidays, birthdays etc) I now feel soo much sadness. I feel so alone. It feels like my life was ripped away from me...I'm going on 36 in a couple of months. It's just an all around "shitty" feeling. I think when you're in a relationship with someone, that had alot of ups and downs. It takes longer for the surviving spouse, significate other to get over the loss. Because there's just so much that goes through your mind. What ifs, should of, could of, you feel bad for doing certain things, saying things...You just feel bad for all they endured with their struggles in their lives...

I understand totally where you're coming from. I'm so glad that you were able to write about this, i'm sure it was hard for you to enter all this for others to see. I didn't tell alot to my family about some of the problems I had with my boyfriend. Kept it to myself mostly. It's good to get it off my chest. I plan on going to get some therapy for what I went through in the relationship I had with my boyfriend, as well as other things too.

I hope we hear from you again. Just know that what you two had was real. And your boyfriend was sure lucky to have you in his life. You were probably the only one who gave him some type of stability in his life. I just know, that I will not get into another relationship like the one I had with my boyfriend. As far as the alcoholism and other baggage goes. I don't think I would have the energy to deal with someone else with all the problems he had. Know what I mean?? I hope you have friends and family who supports you through this sad time. And know you're not alone...Take care, Roseey

July 14, 2005

Roseey thank you so much for sharing. I did go to a therapist because of the guilt that surrounds this type of death and learned that he was the only one who could help himself with regard to the alcohol and mixing his pain medications. That I couldn't do it for him. His last year he was halleucinating and just a shell of himself. I begged him to stop over and over again...broke off our relationship over and over in an effort to get it to stop and for him to get help. I've been reading about codependency and spirtuality. I'm happy for him that he is free...free from the pain...free from the alcohol/substance abuse...free from his demons. Like you...my family never knew how bad it really got...I was too embarassed for them to know the details and they cut ties with him several years ago..as well as friends who couldn't understand what I was doing with him. All I can say to that was I loved him unconditionally and he loved me the best he knew how.

July 17, 2005

I feel awkward posting here, but I need some help and advice from those going through this process with death of spouse. A very good friend died suddenly on Friday...we all woke up to the news the following morning and a front page pciture-now handling calls from many people concerned for them...I'm hurting terribly, but not as even a milimetre as badly as his wife-and his children....wife also a good friend-they were all together in the car returning from vacation-with their 3 children aged 10 right down to 4,their car flipped, and he died at the scene...the rest of them got minor cuts and scrapes-kids pulled out by a trucker, wife got out herself...and were released from hospital...they just returned from Ottawa area-thats where accident happened...last night, spoke to brother in law today, I'm going to her home tomorrow. My heart is breaking for her and the kids-what do I do, say-can I drop in often-should I stay away...what is timing-is there timing-neighbours are helpful with food right now..I just want to be there for and with her, my own heart is breaking I just can't believe I'll never see him again, have lunch, tell jokes.. he was such a family man, love and all his actions were devoted to them... I've been reading through and some of these many comments are so helpful....please continue to help me be there for her...what can I expect-what should I do-over the next few weeks, the next few months...the next year...comments are so welcome at this point....I feel like I've got to stop crying or I'll never help her through this...worse, I felt so sad this morning because I woke up and my husband was beside me, at the same time I started to cry as I realized if she even slept-that she reached out and he wasn't there...she is an MSW and counsels for a living-does this help her....or not>>>>..please help....

July 24, 2005

Hi Canadian,

I dont post her often but was compelled to reply to your very thoughtful message.

Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss.

You may get many different responses to your post - but here is mine.

I lost my dear husband in February of this year. People surrounded me initially and I had many offers of help, assistance and kindness. Sadly, after a couple of weeks these dwindled.....and I was pretty much alone. The kindest thing ever done for me, was done by someone I hardly knew. She turned up on my doorstep one morning with many grocery bags, and announced that I was to pretend she was not there and she was going to cook some meals for my fridge. Food was the last thing on my mind and I was in such a fog that I hardly remember the day - but true to her word, she spent all day in the kitchen making little meals that she labeled and froze. She bought me stationery to write thank you notes on, she folded my laundry - she was my guardian angel for a day. It helped me because I didnt have to think, direct or organize.

Often times when grieving so deeply - we dont know what we dont know. When people say "what do you need" all we can think of to say, is, "give me back my beloved......." So be proactive and do things. Take groceries, take paper goods, staples that are always needed but often forgotten. Mow the yard, do the laundry - dont wait to be asked - just do. Think for your friend - she cant right now.

Also please remember that in the early days, everyone wants to help. As time goes on - people seem to fade away into the distance and become noticable by their absence. Call her often - let her know that she is always on your mind. Sometimes she may not want to talk; may not answer her phone - may not call you back. It is all a part of grieving...........dont give up on her....dont try to understand her, she doesnt understand herself. But BE THERE FOR HER......

I also found that people shied away from saying his name. I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Talk about him. Allow her to talk about him. Cry with her. Cry with her. Cry with her. It is healing and it will help you also.

One thing I learnt through my Michaels loss was that many people were grieving for him - I wasnt the only one suffering his loss; but they didnt know what to do around me.....I had to allow them to grieve just as I needed them to allow me. Cry together - it is a testament to the love you each have for a wonderful man.

I can only imagine the pain of this recent loss. I am thinking of you and wish you only peace during this very difficult time.

I hope this has helped some.

Angela

July 25, 2005

Angela;

You are helping me so much more than I can say. Its true, she wants to talk about him, and so we do...the laughing, the memories...the silly things that only people who truly know the people can giggle about..the promise to be there....always... The visitation was unreal...and the funeral difficult...so many people...at visitation we barely knew any of them...one of the things his wife whispered to me is that she didn't know these people....many of them are so helpful right now...thankfully her mom and a friend are staying at the home right now...but her friend at least will be gone in the fall as she has to return to her job as a teacher out of town...

one thing gave me comfort-she was strong so strong to speak at the funeral...but she told her children in her words that their daddy was only a whisper away...and it gave me comfort too... I thought the phrase a whisper away might give comfort here too...

I'm so sorry for your loss Angela-and for everyone here....please know that reading your stories is helping me to help my friend...

Always,

Paula

July 25, 2005

Paula,

You are more than welcome.....we travel this road so alone - and yet so much of what we share is similar.

Your friend will need you in the time to come. You will need her also.

All I know for sure to tell you, is that for everyone it is different. This journey of grief is not linear by any means. There will be days when she appears to be in control - and then days where she will not. One step forward, two steps back. She may have crazy bursts of energy, and then weeks of lethargy...all is normal - and everyone deals with their grief their own way. We have to in order to heal. Dont measure her actions - just know that she is dealing with her pain the only way she knows how, and sometimes that may seem strange or unreal to you. It will be her way of dealing with her pain. It has been said that no major decisions should be made in the first year after a painful loss. I would agree with that because we are not totally in charge of our decision making capabilities. Having said that - when my Michael died, we were in the middle of a complete home renovation which I continued, and it helped me. I dont know if that counts as a major decision - but for me, it was my "mission for Michael".

Just be there Paula - no matter how tedious it may become, and it may - just be there for her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.

Warmest regards

Angela

November 22, 2005

Hi everyone, I have struggled wondering if I should write you here if it would be ok ...but I am sorry to hear all of your losses I too lost my dear husband Aug the 1st of 2004 of a massive heart attack it was sudden and very unexpected he was just 46 and we were on vacation just me and our son he was 15 monthes old at the time he is 2 years old now...he was driving our boat when suddenly he asked me if he could hold the baby I said ok be careful..suddenly he started shaking and lost control of our boat and managed to stop the boat and scream for help a boat came right away and told me he was'nt breathing and laid him down and started CPR but he was gone that fast.. my life will never be the same over this shock of watchin him die and not being able to help him...I have tried to not think about it...but that night when I had to call our daughters up to tell them about thier dad was the hardest thing...but I have our last precious gift our 2 year old son...he has a heart condition also I am told and will require surgery soon and I am scared of losing him too..so it has not been easy for me or the kids...we were married for 28 wonderful years..and I was so shocked to even have another baby after so many years cause our daughters are 27 and 21 but he left me a precious gift..that I treasure I can only pray they can help him ...and I don't have to worry about losing him too...I see my husbands death over and over in my head..it was so fast and so sudden that after a year I am still in shock...just wish I could feel happy again...

November 23, 2005

Hi everyone,

I lost my fiancee on 11/12/2005. I am still hurting so very badly inside. I found him dead on our bathroom floor and still do not know his cause of death. I miss him so very much and feel lost.

James and I met in June of 2004 and moved in together on November 4th, 2004 and got engaged at the end of November, 2004. It seems like he was taken from me too soon.

The day before his death, he went to the doctor. He was given medication and sent home. We both had taken off of work that day, so we got to spend it together and for that I am ever so greatful. We had a lot of fun and just enjoyed each other. On the morning of his death, I woke up and he was on his knees telling me that he wanted to grow old with me. I keep that as my happy memory of this day. I have to have epiderol shots in my back as I have bulging disk and they want to try this first, so I was tired and James told me to go to lay down and take a nap, this was at about 1-1:15pm on the 12th of November. I woke up about 3pm and went to the bathroom where I discovered his cold body. I called paramedics thinking that he was stil alive and not registering that he was not breathing. I love him so much and sit here crying to think about all of this. The priliminary report states that he died at 1:41pm, shortly after I had gone to lie down. I have such guilt and keep on thinking that if I hadn't gone to lie down, he would be sitting with me here today. I know this is not so, as I have a strong belief in God, but it doesn't help the hurt and pain of James being taken away from me.

I know that many of you have gone through similar situations and hope that by connecting with you, I can find the strength to move forward with my life. I am not so lost right now and don't know what to do.

People tell me that I HAVE to let go and let him rest. I am not ready for this. They haven't lost the man they love. It really aggrevates me when people look at me or tell me to be strong or that I need to clean out his clothes and move on... They don't know the feelings that I have inside, they don't know that I cry and can't sleep at night, they don't know how I feel...

If you have any comments or suggestions, please let me know, as I really could use some help with this. I am going to go to a grief counselor and hopefully get some help with the pain I feel...

Trish

November 23, 2005

Trish, Oh my gosh I just read your message how sad for you not being able to start a marriage with your love..I am so so sorry ..no one knows why one is taken so fast and so sudden..its a aweful thing to go through my dear husband died so unsexpected also..we were in our boat he was holding our baby and he was talkin and havin fun when he sudeenly started shaking and I grabbed the wheel of the boat and managed to stop it and I go Roger whats wrong he looked at me once closed his eyes and he was gone.. I screamed for help thinkin he just passed out when a boat came along 2 ladies jumped in and laid him down on the boat and started CPR right away and someone drove our boat to the dock the whole time I was screamming and they removed me from the boat and the parmedics was thier waiting for us and they worked on him shocked his heart 4 times and they came back to tell me he was gone..I cried and screamed this happened Aug the 1st of 2004 our son was only 15 monthes old he is 2 now and It does'nt feel any better we also have 2 grown daughters so having our son was a complete shock and a miracle..but sadly he won't see him grow up..my husband was just 46 ...I found out he had a massive heart attack...and our 2 year old also has a heart condition and will require surgery soon..so I am always afraid he will leave me too..its been such a bad year we were married for 28 wonderful years..but Trish I wish I could tell you it will get better ..sometimes I have bad days and sometimes good..but I realize why we had our little boy now he was my last precious gift my husband left me so I would;nt be lonelly again..since our daughters are grown and on thier own..its aweful when they die like that but remember it was'nt your fault that he was taken from you..it was just his time..It took me a very long time for me not to blame myself like why did'nt I know he was sick or not feelin well that day..but he died so quickly without no warning..please know I will be praying for you during the holidays..cause I know how rough it will be for you...bless you

Cindysue

November 24, 2005

Cindy Sue

So sorry to hear about your husband. I too will be praying for you and your little boy. I couldn't have children as I had to have a complete hysterectomy in May of this year. I am blessed that James had children and I love them as if they were my own. His 2nd oldest son, he had 4 kids, calls me his stepmom, and told me that he wants to come to spend the summer with me. Plus he has a wonderful family and they treat me like a daughter/sister, so I do have their support in all that I do. It is hard, as they live in CT and I live in FL and after James died, they wanted to have his remains up by them, so I granted their wish and took him home for buriel. I know I did the right thing, as his mother lost her baby, but I still wish that I lived closer so that I could go to visit him more often. I did visit him while I was there for the funeral and plan on going back every couple of months, but it is not the same.

I talk to James when I really miss him and can't take it much more, which is every day. I just pray that he can hear me and know that I love him still.

You are right, the holidays are going to be the worse. He and I love the holidays and I don't know what I am going to do without him through them. My parents are here with me for Thanksgiving, but Christmas is right around the corner. That is going to be the very hard one... Seems like I wake up about 4:30 or 5am and can't fall back to sleep... That's when I start to miss James the most, in the very early hours or late at night.

Trish

November 24, 2005

Trish, Please hang in thier, it won't be easy it will be very hard..I know you miss him but remember he is thier with you and can hear everything you say so go ahead and talk to him let him know anything you want to tell him..I talk to my husband everyday..and wish all the time he could see his son grow up our son looks just like him...our daughters both have kids I have 7 grandchildren...so having our baby was a shock..I am 47 but no one ever believes I am that old they guess me as maybe 30 at the most..having kids keeps me young I think.. but I am sorry you could'nt have kids of your own but the good Lord always has his reasons why it turns out like it does..you sound like a very loving person..I know how it will be for you on the holidays last year was my first year without my Roger and it was aweful and this year does'nt feel any better...I still cry all the time for him and look at pics and show my baby his dadd's pic and he looks and smiles and go;s Dada and I go yes baby thats daddy...and he carries the pic around everywhere he even takes it in his crib..he loved his daddy so much...but he's so young he don't know whats going on...he's attached himself to me alot..and his sisters...our daughters both are married my oldest is 27 with 5 kids and the other is 21 with 2..so when they all come over its a houseful...but please know Trish that he is with you right now..listening to you holding you...feel free to write anytime I will help you through this if I can...

Hugs,

Cindysue

November 24, 2005

Cindy Sue,

I do believe that James is here with me right now. I was just sitting on our couch and thinking about when we first had met and get started to cry when his sister-in-law called to tell me that she was thinking about me. James wouldn't want me to just sit here and cry for him all of the time and I believe that he saw how upset I was and some how got her to call. His family treats me like a daughter, not an outsider and to me this is a WONDERFUL thing. I can't imagine going through this with people who didn't like me. I didn't even meet most of his family until after he passed. That didn't stop them for telling me they love me and will ALWAYS be here for me.

You are very blessed to have your children and grandchildren. I love kids, but God has other plans for me, you are right about that. I believe that everything happens for a reason and if God needed James with him, than there is nothing that I can do about it.

I know that I will think about him every day, there is no doubt in my mind. He is the Love of my Life and we were going to grow old together. I just never thought that old would be 39...

Today being Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks to God for giving me the time he did with James. James taught me that I deserve Love and not pain and so much more. I also got a call from 2 of his 4 children today. They were the only 2 that would give him the time of day when he was alive so that really was nice. I love his kids and would do anything for them. I plan on being at his sons graduation next year and know that he will make his father proud, he is really a great young man!!!

I did have some of our friends come over today. They had introduced us and were really taking his death hard. The thing that I couldn't stand was that one of them acts like James is bad for leaving us and the other one thinks that I should die my hair and start looking for a new man. I was upset, but let it go as I know that they are looking out for me in a strange sort of way. Besides, James was probably standing next to me rolling his eyes. He KNOWS how much I love him and can't even THINK of doing such a thing. I tell ya, everyone handles grief in a different way.

I hope you had a nice Turkey Day and look forward to your reply.

Trish

November 25, 2005

Trish, I think your right James was with you on that couch and knew you was upset and somehow contacted his sister-in-law to help you throught this..oh what a wonderful thing to think about how your loved one can come through to help you ease your pain...you know I was thinkin when you said that my baby his name is Byron and I hear him every morning just jabberin away in his crib and laughin and saying Dada and laughin and when I enter the room he will stop and point to the wall and go Dada..and I see nothing thier then he will sit in his crib and start doing wierd stuff like tickling his own feet..and I know thats something Roger would be doing to him cause he always did that when the girls were little and he used to do that to him also..and this has been going on since Roger died 15 monthes ago..so Yes I know they are with us..and when baby Byron go's in for his heart surgery I know his daddy will be right thier with him...James's kids sound so sweet and wonderful and his whole family sounds awesome to except you and love you as thier own..makes it all worth being around them. You know you always take life for granted thinkin that person will always be thier and you will grow old together and have a wonderful long life..me and Roger dated since we were 16 and married at 18 and were together since..its sad how things can turn out so differently..then what you expect..maybe after a long waiting process you will feel better about dating again..now it probably seems like no way do you ever want too again..I know cause after 15 monthes of being a widow its lonely but I know I am not ready for any dating just yet...so when men ask me I get mad for some reason..I'll know I guess when the time is right..be strong my friend and I hope Christmas won't be too hard for you..I know it won't be a fun time and new years will even feel worse...least for me it did cause we always went out to celebrate..maybe someday I can learn to actually smile again instead of puttin up an act for everyone...well be safe and hope to hear from you again..

Cindysue

November 26, 2005

Cindy Sue,

I do believe that our James spirit is with me. My friend called me yesterday and told me that she had a dream about me that she needed to tell me about. In her dream she said that we were going to WI, this is where I grew up, and that our plane tickets cost a certain amount and that she gave me a Green Scarf to wear. Not just any green, but a Hunter/Dark Green scarf. She said that I was cold and needed something to make me all comfy. Well, James favorite color is Hunter Green. She had no idea of this. I think that it was James trying to tell me that he is with me and is wrapping his arms around me to comfort me. I know, that might not make sense, but most people don't dream in color and of all of the colors to pick, why this particular color?

I believe that children and animals are perceptive to the afterlife. They are innocent and can see things/feel things that we can't. It makes total sense that your husband is with your son. Of course he is going to see him grow up as he will always be with you all.

Today is the 2 week date of James death. I keep on thinking that I should have known and should have saved him, but how??? It is really hard for me, as everything is so fresh and everything is here with me yet. I love him so much and my insides feel like they are falling apart. I just wish that I could see God's big plan, but know that is not possible.

I am going back to work on Monday, as I need to get back amongst my friends there. I just wish that it didn't have to be soooooo hard. Of course I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that we are only here for as Long as God will allow. James was so good to me and I miss him and am sure that I will miss him every day until I die. I am making arrangements so that I can be buried next to him. He is my true love and no matter what, I will always feel this way. Some of my friends tell me that I am young and to wait, but James was young too and look at what happened to him. I guess that I just feel that life is short and that we need to do all we can with the little time that we have here on Earth.

Trish

November 26, 2005

Cindy Sue,
I do believe that our James spirit is with me. My friend called me yesterday and told me that she had a dream about me that she needed to tell me about. In her dream she said that we were going to WI, this is where I grew up, and that our plane tickets cost a certain amount and that she gave me a Green Scarf to wear. Not just any green, but a Hunter/Dark Green scarf. She said that I was cold and needed something to make me all comfy. Well, James favorite color is Hunter Green. She had no idea of this. I think that it was James trying to tell me that he is with me and is wrapping his arms around me to comfort me. I know, that might not make sense, but most people don't dream in color and of all of the colors to pick, why this particular color?
I believe that children and animals are perceptive to the afterlife. They are innocent and can see things/feel things that we can't. It makes total sense that your husband is with your son. Of course he is going to see him grow up as he will always be with you all.
Today is the 2 week date of James death. I keep on thinking that I should have known and should have saved him, but how??? It is really hard for me, as everything is so fresh and everything is here with me yet. I love him so much and my insides feel like they are falling apart. I just wish that I could see God's big plan, but know that is not possible.
I am going back to work on Monday, as I need to get back amongst my friends there. I just wish that it didn't have to be soooooo hard. Of course I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that we are only here for as Long as God will allow. James was so good to me and I miss him and am sure that I will miss him every day until I die. I am making arrangements so that I can be buried next to him. He is my true love and no matter what, I will always feel this way. Some of my friends tell me that I am young and to wait, but James was young too and look at what happened to him. I guess that I just feel that life is short and that we need to do all we can with the little time that we have here on Earth.
When is Byron going to have his surgery? I will be praying for him. I have a 9½ month old niece that I haven't met yet. She lives out of state and I am hoping to be able to go home for Christmas to meet her. James used to get so excited when we would receive new pictures of her. I know that he loves her too. He was really loved by children and older people. The day before he died, we sat in a doctors office and he listened to an 90 year old womans life story. After her visit with the MD, she came back out and thanked him for listening. He was always wonderful with the elderly and young. I know that had a lot to do with why I fell in love with him. He was also very kind to me and we rarely ever argued. I will miss him till the day I die and can be with him again. I know that some people can just pick up and move on, but I am not one of them. I sometimes wonder what he would be doing if things had been the other way around?
Trish

November 26, 2005

Trish, Yes he was tryin to tell you somethin through your friend..how else would she know about the green colored scarf...he was teeling you that he is still with you holding you next to his heart. My friend thier was no way you could have saved James he had to go sadly and it was meant for you to take a nap so he could go God planned this..no one knows why someone that youngs just dies but at least he did'nt suffer...James sounds like an awesome guy one of a kind like my Roger..always the good ones have to leave us..Your right I heard also that kids and animals can since the people that has passed on..and I know my baby sees him everyday..and I know he would be so proud...he was so happy to finally havin a son after having our 2 daughters he loved his daughters also but he always wanted a son and I thank God everyday that he got his wish to have one even though he could'nt be with him long...God has a plan for all of us we just don't know what it is I think thats great that you want to be buried besides James I am gonna be buried beside my Roger I go to the gravesite alot to just talk to him and as soon as baby Byron sees the tombstone he go;s Dada..and I go yeah baby thats daddy...Byron see his heart doctor every 3 monthes and has since he was 13 monthes old..they are gonna tell me next month when he will be havin the surgery..he's so young to have to go through this I worry so much but I know Roger will be with me..cause when I take Byron to see his doctor I feel Roger beside me all the time I swear I can feel him touch my shoulder..oh what a great feelin that is..your James sounds like Roger so much loving and caring towards kids and the elderly...The good Lord has a special place for people like him...James is always with you and he will come in your dreams alot..and belive me they are not just dreams I think he will actually be with you tellin you he is ok...I still dream bout Roger all the time..its a great feeling is'nt it.. let me know how you are doing I do care...and I know 2 weeks is not a long time and you will have some really bad days just write me and I will try to help if I can...

Your Friend,

Cindysue

November 26, 2005

Cindy Sue,

I am having a REALLY tough day, today. I can't stop crying. Then tonight I get a call from the guy who introduced James and I. He was drunk and telling me that I need to move on and that I am a good person and that just because James is dead, doesn't mean that I am. Then when I get upset with him, he doesn't understand and says that I am just being defensive. Yes I am and for good reason. He means well, but I don't want to hear it. It is bad enough that James is gone, but now I have this man who is bothering me and wants me to move on and start dating. Not with him either, as he is Gay.

I believe that Roger is with you at the doctor appointments. James has not come to me in any dreams, at least not that I can remember. He has come to other people though. I figured that he may come to me when God allows him to or when I am in better condition to see him. I miss him sooooooo much and don't know what I am going to do without him. He was my life and I feel so completely lost and alone now. Our familys both live out of state and we only had each other. Now I have no one here, well except for my friends, but I dont' have him and it hurts so much. No one here seems to understand. My father is sitting on my couch watching tv and asking me why I keep on crying. Because I lost the man that I love? See, I believe that until have lived through it, you can't understand it.

I had a very rough past and that is one thing that James understood and didn't care about. I had a hard childhood and grew up very fast. It wasn't my parents fault, I just got mixed up with the wrong people and rebelled, as my I was abused very young and was ashamed of my "secret". If only kids were told to speak up like they are now... Oh well, any way, James just used to let me talk and listen to me and would hold me and comfort me when I was having a hard day. I feel like he is here with me right now as I am writing this to you. Some times I feel him and other times I don't.

I know that it is going to take a LONG time to get through this and I also know that he is the Love of my Life and that no one will ever be able to replace him. I ahve this huge hole in my soul and one longer feel complete...

Does any of that make sense??? I know it does to you, as you are living it too.

Yes, the good ones do always die young. There are all of the ones that are no good left here with us... Well, that isn't true, but you get the idea.

Thank you for writing me back, I look forward to hearing from you again.

Trish

November 26, 2005

Hi Trish, I am so sorry your havin a rough time I know exactly what you are going through and what you will be going through..and I know its very lonely some people don't understand what you feel I mean to go on that quickly would not make you feel better..you are still in the grieving process..and will be for at least a year or so...Roger did'nt come in my dreams at first either it took maybe a month or so had suddenly I was dreamming about him every night and it felt so real I did'nt wanna wake up and when I did I cried but he will come to you in different ways in dreams in makin noises even phone calls and you answer and no one will be thier..thats him tellin you he is ok and is till with you..he loved you very much and he wants you to know he is around but like I said it will be in different ways..how can someone expect you to date already thats too soon to even consider or even them mentioning that to you..try not to let that bother you like you said they don't know how it feels cause they have never went through it..its the most painful thing to ever go through to lose the love of your life..I feel like I can never be happy again I am never ever hardly smiling I try to for my kids sake and I try to hbe happy for baby byron..he looks just like his daddy so much though..and thats such a great reminder he even acts like him personality wise..my girls have his features also but Byron looks the most like him I think except his hair is like a really light brown like mine where Roger's and the girls hair is dark..but remember you can still talk to James he is still listening to you and holding you and loving you..he is in your heart and always will be I for one understand what you are going through my friend..the first few monthes after Roger passed away I was a wreak I stopped eating sleeping and I was in the hosp...dehydrated and malnuriched and I had my mom tell me Cindy you got to snap out of this Byron needs you he has no one else..and that made me think Roger would want me to be this way...so I started forcing myself to feel better..I was addicted to pain pills thier for awhile thinkin that will help the hurt...but it was makin me worse I was always dopey feeling and I thought man this is'nt fair to baby Byron or the girls so I am tryin not to go into that deep depression anymore..and think to myself Roger would'nt want me to keep grieving like this...but it took me a long time..just like it will you Trish..I feel for you cause I know what you feel right now hang in thier my friend..and write me anytime you are feelin sad...I hope I can help you...you are a sweet person..

Cindysue

November 27, 2005

Cindy Sue,

I had a dream about James last night. I was really having a hard day, yesterday and couldn't fall asleep. I cried all day and night and things were just so bad that I felt like giving up. But then I had that dream and for the first time I woke up feeling not so bad. I had almost a slight peace through me. Now I am feeling sad again, but in my dream, or what I can remember of it, I got to hold James had again and it felt so real... I felt that God allowed me to have him one last time... I believe that James will wait for me in the afterlife and that he will be with me through these hard times. I also believe that he is in peace now and that he will always Love me...

I can't imagine having a child by him. I love children, but God did not allow for me to have them. James didn't care, he said that he loved me no matter what. Some men would not feel this way. I am alright with not having a child of my own, for I have 4 step children, which are ranging in age of 8-18. I only feel sad that I didn't get to know them better while James was alive. His kids live in different cities and although he loved them all VERY much, he didn't get to see them very often. I know that God has opened a door of communication amongst us now. At least one of his sons and his daughter, who is the only granddaughter on his side. They are all very good kids and they are making their father very proud...

I thank you for listening and YES, you definately are a GREAT help for me. I am going to a Bereavement class starting on 12/10/2005 that is a 3 part class. I hope that it will help me. Did you go through anything like this??? I also want to go to one that will be costing me $50.00 and is a 2 day class... I need to deal with my feelings and get things in prospective. I don't want to end up in the hospital and feeling all messed up inside, James wouldn't want me to be this way. He said that one of the things he loved about me was that I was strong. He didn't like weak people. I know he wants for me to be strong for him. I love him and will be missing him for as many days as the Lord will allow me to be here on Earth.

Thank you again,

Trish

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