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Robin, Ishaq comes to me in the dreamspace.  Many have been much more than dreams, because I am lucid in them and we talk and hold each other and he tells me things, and shows me things.  I'd never had a lucid dream until after he passed, though I've done dreamwork and I'm a very active dreamer.

Stephen LaBerge has written some books on lucid dreaming that might be helpful.  My belief is that we can travel to other realms in our dreams, including the realm our beloveds exist in now.  These dreams have made me realize that there truly is no death, just a change of form, and that when I drop my physical form I'll be with my Ishaq.

My close friend who was with me when we dressed Ishaq and did ceremony for his cremation, she drowned when she was an adolescent.  She was clinically gone, and she told me she saw her grandparents, who told her she couldn't stay with them, she had to go back and be with her parents.  She told me she was so mad when she woke up!

My spiritual paths also validate that there is life after death...both from the Sufi point of view, and the Native American/Red Road point of view.  I know that on some of the other boards some folks have posted that it goes against God or Christian teachings to contact the departed, but I don't believe this.  I believe the dreams from Ishaq are a gift, and he was a very devout man, a Sufi Sheikh for over 30 years and a great teacher. 

I hope some of this might help you.  I know that for me, knowing that I'll be with Ishaq, and that he is only a breath away from me, has made this last year and a half more easy to live.

Blessings,

Anna

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:?  Dear Robin,

You are and will be for quite sometime just operating on auto-pilot.   You are still in shock; how can anyone come close to telling you to "accept it"  I can still have my Grief Bursts and not want to accept my Tim is gone and its over 18 months for me.   Just know we've all been there.  Just live one breath at a time, you can't handle much more than that right now.   And be good to yourself.

I am a Christian and my dream life is very active with my husband visiting me in them.   It is very calming and he is always very peaceful and content. 

Hugs to all, its a tuff path we've all been dropped on!

GrannyCheryl

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Robin,

 I wrote you a long reply back. Spent awhile pouring stuff out, crying, sharing, feeling your grief with you, and my computer froze and I believe I lost it all.

I just want you to know I appreciate you answering my post, and I want you to know you are right. Our stories are indeed so similar. We both did CPR, ughh it's so awful. I get sick to my stomach thinking about that. I've blocked it for so long.

I will write you again, but for now, I just want you to know I will pray for you and all of you on here.

Wishing for you some rest and warm memories to wrap around yourself thru this journey of grief.  * Dawna*

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Robin & all..

What a rotten way to have to live. Winter makes it worse. We all understand each other's feeling and that helps, but the big hole in our hearts takes a long time to shrink. I don't think it ever totally fills in.

I saw PS I Love You last night. Some of the scenes hit so close. The one where she was dialing his voice mail over and over was one. I used to call home because Rod had done the message on the machine. Finally took it off because it was freaking everyone out. Before I did I made a mind print so I can replay it in my head. Every once in awhile I have a dream with Rod in it. Wish there were more.

Stick with us here. We'll get through it together! Mary Jo

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Hi, Robin.

I responded already to your question about whether or not I had ever known anyone whose heart had stopped, that person had then talked to loved ones who had died, and then had their heart restarted.  I have not had that experience, nor have I known anyone who has.

I am a Christian, and I will tell you that I dream of my husband quite frequently.  My dream life is and has always been very active since I was a teenager.  I have even had a couple of dreams that I could classify as "prophetic" because they were about things that happened in the future, one of which was my husband's death.  As I said, I dream of my husband frequently.  I used to be saddened by them because I would wake up and find that he wasn't really there, but I have come to be comforted by them.  They are always very loving, even intimate times with him that I treasure. 

I hope you are doing well today.  As others have said, you are in the very first stages of grief, and you just need to take your time and grieve in your own way.  You should not, by any stretch of the imagination, be "moving on" yet, and anyone who has been where you now are would know that, as well.  I hope you can take comfort that we understand what you're feeling and pray for comfort for you.   ~Oneta

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I have had such a tough day today. I've had the flu and now it has moved to my head and my stomach. My favorite seat is the toilet! My head is so stuffed that I am having dizzy spells.

I was lucky to have a doctor's appointment today for my diabetes check anyway and he gave me an antibiotic. The good news is that my sugar levels are as low as someone not diabetic - so something good is happening - I've also lost over 20 pounds since Jon died 2 months ago.

Being so sick does not make this mourning stuff any easier. I am so much weaker and cry so much more. It is hard to maintain when I feel so bad.

I went to the church and met with my new Pastor for a bit today. I spent most of the time just crying.

I've spent this entire day just crying. I miss Jon so much. Especially now because he would be taking care of me. Now I have nobody to take care of me. I am so lonely and so very sad.

Robin

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Hi, Robin.  I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick.  You're right that not feeling good makes the grieving so much harder.  Probably part of the reason you've lost weight since Jon died is because you're not eating much.  I lost a lot of weight, too.  I guess most of us do.  Hard to eat when you have no appetite.  Try to really take care of yourself.  Grief is very hard on the body's immune system and makes it so much easier to get sick.  I hope you get to feeling better soon.  I'm praying for you, too.  ~Oneta

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Hi Robin,

Just wanted to say hello, and sorry your feeling sick on top of everything else. I have been thinking about everyone on here and wondering how everyone is.

Today is my Vinnie's 2 year anniversary of being gone from us. I spent the weekend away at the ocean which is always a nice place to run away to. I took another few days off work. It's always so hard no matter what day it is really, but especially hard as the days get nearer.

Last night I looked at the clock and I was remembering everything, playing over and over in my head the "time, the events from 2 years ago, what we said to each other the minutes leading up to the noise Vince made, the paramedics, the defibrillator. I can't stand it. I even hate the terminology "anniversary". The word anniversary seems like a happy thing, the term never does justice to how I feel. My youngest daughter and I wrote messages to Vince on balloons this past weekend. I was thinking it would be beneficial for her to write what she feels, and I could help her. Well, we each wrote messages and turns out I was the one breaking my heart crying. She had to console me. I felt so bad for that, but I could not control what I was feeling. I have been stuffing feelings for years and when I wrote my thoughts to Vin, the despair came crashing back to the surface.

To lose the one we are in love with, the one we made our life with, the one we chose to grow old with feels so bad. I keep trying to stay in the now, and stay in the life mode, but the past and death is never far away. 

Anyway, just wanted to connect here as it seems to connect me with my Vinnie somehow. I wish for all of you calmer days ahead, and I hope you start to feel somewhat better soon Robin.

Take Care-Dawna     

 

IN HONOR AND MEMORY OF MY LOVE, MY HUSBAND

VINCENT J. PAUL  9-11-57 - 2-26-06

 

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Just reading your heartfelt words chokes me up.  This pain is so unbearable at times that I can't imagine it going on for years!  How will I ever manage to live?  Everday I am sad, I feel myself dying more and more.  I don't think I can take this much longer.  These 2 month have been horrable.

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Robin,

Hang in here with us.  I know it hurts... it hurts worse than anything you've ever imagined, probably, and worse than you ever thought you would hurt... and still live.  But it does get better eventually.  You're still in those first weeks when the pain is so bad!  It won't go on like this for years... just months maybe.  Then one day you'll wake up and you won't feel quite so bad.  That doesn't mean you won't feel bad again, but pretty soon you'll start having more good days than bad.  I know you feel like you're dying inside, and maybe you have died a little bit.  I know I've felt that way, too.  Some day you'll wake up and there'll be buds on the trees again and some flowers will have sprouted.  The clouds will be drifting by overhead, and you will be able to enjoy it a little bit.  So hang in there.  It will happen.  I promise. 

Dawna,

I hope you're okay.  Two years is a significant amount of time.  I hope you will be able to get past it without too much pain. 

 ~Oneta

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Last night I turned in earlier than usual; still after midnight though. I didn't sleep well all night. It feels as if I was awake more than asleep. I am just...unsettled.

We had about 15 inches of snow last night. I guess someone thinks the 143 inches we already have isn't enough. So I did wake up to beauty outside.

I don't understand why Jon died. He was healthy. He just had a complete physical including an EKG and then he dies of a massive heart attack? I don't get it. This is a man that was so strong, mentally and physically. He was active and healthy. Why him and not me?

I have diabetes and have had 3 bouts with cancer. I am in a wheelchair and I'm the fat one. I suffer from panic attacks brought on by PTSD. I am NOT the healthy one. I am weak emotionally and physically.

Why was I the one left behind? Jon could have handled my death so much easier than I am handling his. He worked and had other activities he participated in. He had friends. He moved his mother next door to take care of her. I don't work, I stay home and my social life is through the Internet.

He would have gone to work, talked to his friends...had people to help him. We expected me to be first and always talked about it...ALWAYS! He was prepared. I helped prepare him, I made sure he was prepared. He knew how to cook, clean, do laundry. He was ready when the time came. It was supposed to be me first.

Instead he goes. I have no job, no finances other than my disability. I have no friends to help me and no family to support me. I have to deal with my disabilities and now I have to take care of his mother. I have no place to go to get away from this house and the memory that he died right here in the living room. I'm not handling this very well. Certainly not the way he would have. He was prepared for this - not me! We never, ever thought he would be first. There was absolutely no indication that he would.

I don't get it. I have no direction. I can not figure out what to do - I have no life and wonder when I am going to go too. I know I will be one of those spouses that follows her husband's death soon after. I am just waiting for it to come. I only hope it will be as fast as his was because I know that if I don't die right way, I will lay here forever waiting for it to come. I have nobody that cares enough to check on me each day. I could lay here forever.

Robin

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Hi, Robin.  I understand what you're saying, I think.  You feel isolated.  You feel completely alone.  No friends, no work.  Your health is bad.  You have always expected to be the one to go first.  You had prepared him in the event of your death, whereas you are not prepared.   I've found in life that nothing ever works the way we plan it.  Seems like everything always goes a different way.  I've tried to teach my kids that fact and prepare them for things to not happen as planned.  When my husband died, I wasn't prepared either.  He was the breadwinner; I was the homemaker.  I was pregnant and expecting to stay home and take care of my first baby.  And then he died... completely unexpectedly.  And I had to make decisions and changes fast.  Part of your problem is isolation.  Have you considered getting a job just to get you out of the house... maybe just parttime?  Or doing some kind of volunteer work... again, just to get you out of the house a few hours a day or week.  Just a thought.  I know it's a really lonely road, and more lonely for some than others.  Please keep talking to us, and we'll try to help you through.  Again, I say that it will get better in time.  It will never be the same as it was when Jon was here, but it won't always be like this.  I'm praying for you.  ~Oneta

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Dear Dear Robin,

I am so saddened by your situation and your deep deep pain.  You really are in the shock stage: sometime 6wks to 3 mos. down the road you'll realize this has all been lived in auto-pilot mode.    You have lost half of yourself when the love of your life died.  We all have.  Sometimes it hurts so; I think I must be bleeding, but I'm not.    It is impossible to think of living without my Tim.  I am only existing right now.

On the 10th of March it'll be 20 months that Tim is gone after more than 37 years married.  My other half - my white knight, his armor could tarnish abit, but oh well, I'd love to go back there.

Do you have children, Robin?    Is there any Grief Groups in your area?  Something to get you with people occasionally.  Churches, Hospitals, Mortuaries usually have lists of Groups and Help.

I'm praying for you, Robin and remember, look around here-You are not alone!!!     GrannyCheryl

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Just wanted to check in with you all, and Thank you for responding. It helps to come here and know that we share so much of the same, and to read insights from others who have been here at some point, whether a long time ago or just recent.

Robin-I wish as probably so many others on here do that there was more we could do to help you thru this. Please know that my pain today isn't the same as is was in the beginning. It doesn't mean it is gone by any means, just different. 

 I read a few books in the early months that said it is important to talk about our loss and what happened as often as we could. What I read was that if you don't it could come out much later and may be more difficult to process thru. I think that may be much of what I am going thru.

I was unable or unwilling ? to talk about it. Always afraid to fall apart especially in front of others. I have aways been the strong one. I returned to work, and worked and worked, and hid and hid. I cried silently as often as possible. Of course during the early period I slept much and often to escape and wailed while awake.

Thankfully It is not like that anymore so there has been much progress. Our nature is to want to hurry thru things that are awful and painful and who wouldn't want to hurry thru, but that isn't how this is. It is a process. A painful one, but one that we can get thru. We can do this.

 Life is here, we are here, and there is a reason. I don't know the reason and may never know. I just pray often and try to understand my feelings and be easy on myself. It's ok to be where we are. I am getting better.

Robin, please give yourself time to process thru some of  your pain and sadness. I only wish I could ease your pain for you.

Oneta- Thank you for your resonse. 2 years is significant ha ? It seems less than that. When I ask myself truthfully " am I  better today that I was a year ago? 2 years ago ?  I know the answer is yes. I am not at all better without my vinnie, but processing thru the hurt, I know I am.

Peace to all,

Dawna     

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Robin, You have been so in my thoughts and prayers these last days.  I wish I could do more to help you, but what?   Have you ever tried journaling?  Or, really just continue getting those feelings out here, there are alot of wise people on this board with us.

Please take care of yourself!   Cheryl   ^j^ ^j^ ^j^

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Robin, You have been so in my thoughts and prayers these last days.  I wish I could do more to help you, but what?   Have you ever tried journaling?  Or, really just continue getting those feelings out here, there are alot of wise people on this board with us.

Please take care of yourself!   Cheryl   ^j^ ^j^ ^j^

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:shock:  Sorry for a double response.  It wouldn't post so with my patience, I guess I finally did it twice  (LoL)

cheryl  :?

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I just got home after a sleepover at my daughter's with my grandbabies.  It was so nice to be with them and the oldest, Brandyn age 6 slept with me on the couch.  Honestly I think he did all the sleeping and I was too busy hugging, kissing and just looking at him.

The grandbabies did a lot of talking about their grandfather.  They miss him very much.  It was nice to talk to them about him.  This way they will never forget him.

I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home.  I always cry when I have to do that.  It is hard buying groceries just for myself.  I just settle on the tv dinner isle.

The other day a lady asked how I was doing and I told her Jon died.  She said she knew and there I went crying again.

I am sad.  I am still dealing with this flu but it is all in my stomach right now.  My favorite seat is still the toilet seat. :?

I miss my husband so very much.

 

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I just got home after a sleepover at my daughter's with my grandbabies.  It was so nice to be with them and the oldest, Brandyn age 6 slept with me on the couch.  Honestly I think he did all the sleeping and I was too busy hugging, kissing and just looking at him.

The grandbabies did a lot of talking about their grandfather.  They miss him very much.  It was nice to talk to them about him.  This way they will never forget him.

I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home.  I always cry when I have to do that.  It is hard buying groceries just for myself.  I just settle on the tv dinner isle.

The other day a lady asked how I was doing and I told her Jon died.  She said she knew and there I went crying again.

I am sad.  I am still dealing with this flu but it is all in my stomach right now.  My favorite seat is still the toilet seat. :?

I miss my husband so very much.

 

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I just got home after a sleepover at my daughter's with my grandbabies.  It was so nice to be with them and the oldest, Brandyn age 6 slept with me on the couch.  Honestly I think he did all the sleeping and I was too busy hugging, kissing and just looking at him.

The grandbabies did a lot of talking about their grandfather.  They miss him very much.  It was nice to talk to them about him.  This way they will never forget him.

I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home.  I always cry when I have to do that.  It is hard buying groceries just for myself.  I just settle on the tv dinner isle.

The other day a lady asked how I was doing and I told her Jon died.  She said she knew and there I went crying again.

I am sad.  I am still dealing with this flu but it is all in my stomach right now.  My favorite seat is still the toilet seat. :?

I miss my husband so very much.

 

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misshimstill

Robin,

It's good to spend time with your little grandchildren.  They somehow help ease the pain.  Sometimes I feel a stab of pain, though, knowing they'll never know their grandfather.  The other night I was staying with them while my daughter went to a school meeting.  I showed them his picture.  The oldest is almost 6.  She looked at the picture.  She, of course, didn't know who he was.  I told her it was her grandpa.  Then she was ready to look at the next picture...  Oh, well.  It was a beginning maybe.

It was good for you to talk to the woman in the store, even if you did cry.  There's nothing wrong with crying or tearing up when people ask you about him.  I'm glad you're getting out a little bit.  That's good, too.

Dawna,

What you said about repressing your feelings is so true.  That's what I did.  Like you said I was afraid of the feelings.  They were so intense and deep.  But dealing with resurfaced feelings is so much worse than it would have been when he first died.  So I would recommend to anyone/everyone... deal with those feelings now.  Don't repress them.  It's harder the second time around.  I read in a book by C.S. Lewis that he didn't want to live his life as if he had never known his wife or deny his feelings because when those feelings resurfaced, it would be like she had died a second time, and the second death would be worse than the first.  That is so true! 

Praying for everyone.  ~Oneta 

 

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misshimstill

Robin,

It's good to spend time with your little grandchildren.  They somehow help ease the pain.  Sometimes I feel a stab of pain, though, knowing they'll never know their grandfather.  The other night I was staying with them while my daughter went to a school meeting.  I showed them his picture.  The oldest is almost 6.  She looked at the picture.  She, of course, didn't know who he was.  I told her it was her grandpa.  Then she was ready to look at the next picture...  Oh, well.  It was a beginning maybe.

It was good for you to talk to the woman in the store, even if you did cry.  There's nothing wrong with crying or tearing up when people ask you about him.  I'm glad you're getting out a little bit.  That's good, too.

Dawna,

What you said about repressing your feelings is so true.  That's what I did.  Like you said I was afraid of the feelings.  They were so intense and deep.  But dealing with resurfaced feelings is so much worse than it would have been when he first died.  So I would recommend to anyone/everyone... deal with those feelings now.  Don't repress them.  It's harder the second time around.  I read in a book by C.S. Lewis that he didn't want to live his life as if he had never known his wife or deny his feelings because when those feelings resurfaced, it would be like she had died a second time, and the second death would be worse than the first.  That is so true! 

Praying for everyone.  ~Oneta 

 

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misshimstill

Okay.  It happened to me, too, with the multiple posts.  I clicked and it didn't seem to post, so I clicked again, and now there are two.  :) 

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I am sad today. I miss my Jon.

I am looking for a way to answer, "How are you?"

People ask and I can not say, "Fine". I usually seem rude because I say, "I no longer answer that question."

An honest answer would be, "Sad and lonely" but do they want honesty?

Another thing that bothers me is when people ask, "Is is getting better?" or "Is is easier?"

It is never better and it will never be easy.

Just because I am not crying 24/7 does not mean that I am not in tears, inside!

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lindseysmom

That question  How are you??  has been, and always will be one that can make me scream,  This is how I usually respond,  I either say Im trying....or I don't answer at all and say How are You.   Its a tough place we are at, and will be until our time is through.  Peace and comfort to you.... Goodnight

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misshimstill

Robin,

"How are you?" really is a hard question to answer.  There are a few people (you can easily count them on one hand) who will really care and really want a truthful answer to that question.  You know who they are.  The rest of them... they're just being polite.  "How are you?" is like saying "Hello".  It doesn't mean anything.  I usually just say "Fine" or "Okay" and let it go at that.  People hardly ever pursue the issue.  I've just had to learn that until someone has experienced some kind of significant loss, they just don't have a clue.  I guess it's not their fault.  I guess we probably were the same way before our tragedy occurred.  You know you can ALWAYS tell US how you're feeling.  It helps to have some kind of outlet for the pain and someone you can tell how you're really feeling.  Bless you today, Robin.  ~Oneta

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How are you has replaced hello in our society. I don't think people really even want an answer (certainly not a truthful one), it's just a greeting. At first I said ok right now, ask me again in 10 minutes. Now I either say fine or ignore it. I work in a public library and I must get asked that 50 times a day. I hope you're doing a little better today, Robin.

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Hi everyone missed all of you I have had the same question asked of me how are you doing not hi good to see you or anythigns else just how are you doing. I was at work Friday night and one of the young men that had grown up behind us was there and we were talking he moved away to Kentucky and was home for his sisters birthday and as we were talking he asked how Randy was doing? I hadent cried in a few days but the tears welled up in my eyes and I had to look away and then look back and tell him that Randy had passed in October he just started appoligising and said he felt bad for bring it up but id he didn't know. I told him it was ok don't be sorry. But it always comes back to the ones that do know How are you doing. Well all I can tell them is I am getting by for now anyway. 21 weeks seems like yesterday. My oldest son finally got to see his son this past weekend for the first time in a month and he was so lost like he did not know any of us anymore I just wanted to cry. My middle grandson helped me move and he was so funny he had to carry all of papa's things into the new house

I had to sell the tractor that Randy bought my new yard is no where near as big as the old yard. Blake was with his mom amd dad and they went to the cemetary to show him where is papa is at and he started talking to papa telling him some man had his tractor and nana let him have it. My daughter in law said they way he was talking was just like papa was right there talking to him. He is such a big boy for only being 3.

Talk to u all later Lela

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We're so dulled to it, I hear people casually asking me how I am and I just walk by and say "fine."  If it's just someone going by, I don't care.  But sometimes I have to stop my self and say "I suck."  Or I'll say I'm having a really bad day, a bad day, or a less bad day, becaue that's a good as it gets.

Sue

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Sue,

In my early months that's exactly how I answered, and some were even insulted by my bluntness and bad attitude,(OhMy)

How are you?  I'd say "Today sucked and tomorrow's going to, too"  My sister in-law even found me a t-shirt that said that.   Another one that got a come back is "This is the hardest work I have ever done"   'Hard work?' they'd say.  And, I'd go on to say, YES!  this is work to keep going, sometimes just to get up in the morning is very very hard work.

Well just my quick thoughts

Prayers to all of you

Cheryl   :?

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I used to say "I'm doing the best I can" when people ask how I was.  Now I say "I'm doing ok", because the days have gotten easier.  I don't miss Ishaq any less, but I feel his presence with me and it is a comfort, and I take comfort in nature and in my spiritual practices, in friends and cats and walks in the woods and by the river...so I can say I'm doing ok now...but it took time.  It's been just over nineteeen months now for me.  I can't imagine how that much time has passed.

Blessings,

Anna

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Have have found the people that do that to me I just don't talk with them for now I know friends and family are very important in our lifes but they have not been in this place that we are now in. My mom is one person that I avoid talking with because I am still not over the fact that she did not come to see me when Bruce passed she said she was to sad.....

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Bum  I am just that Bummed

Its something I dealt with as an adolesent.  And, my Grief Group Leaders tells us that we will see things we did before we entered our relationship, that we have just lost.  He said it is part of redefining ourselves.  But, yuck, I hate when it comes on......

I had a melt down Thurs. or Friday night and then I've felt worthless ever since, I could be very hard on myself if I allowed it.   Church this a.m. was wonderful but it only got me through a couple hours and it came tumbling back over me.   I got a couple nice phone calls today and just didn't have the energy to do much visiting.   Kinda, BLAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I've pushed myself to keep busy, if with nothing else than some of the crocheting and such;  But, it just hangs on.....Maybe back to work tomorrow - caring for others will get me on the track....

Just a rambling mess, for now.

Cheryl  :X 

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I try to be nice to Dave's dad but he is the one person I avoid if I can.  The day at the hospital he came for about 10 minutes then left.  He too said he was too sad, well, guess what, the family that was there was toughing it out for Dave's sake (for 2 days) so that he would be surrounded by his loved ones when he passed away.   His dad was never good to him anyway.  I don't want to hold a grudge about it because Dave had made huge efforts to have a relationship with his dad, so for Dave's sake I will be nice and keep the peace.  It's good to know what upsets you though and try to keep it at bay.

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Cheryl, sorry you are having a tough time.   These feelings definately can come and get you at a second's notice...I call them "sneaker waves" - just like at the beach when the sea can be calm and the next second you can be washed out to sea by a giant one (especially here in Oregon).  Sending you prayers and blessings,

Anna

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I love that phrase Anna - "sneaker waves".  That's such an apt image.

Cheryl, you have been there for me several times.  It sounds to me you are already being too hard on yourself.  Ease up and stop being so demanding of yourself.  You do whatever you can and whatever makes you feel better and you just chuck the rest.  By the time I get home, I can't cope with anything else; I just want to be in my cocoon.  Do whatever feels right for you and take time for yourself.

Sue

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Thank you, Sue, for your kind words, I am feeling better today but as if I am on thin ice and could go down real fast.

 

Anna, Sneaker Waves are certainly right.  Never saw it coming at all.  Thanks for you care.

Cheryl:shock:

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hi everyone,i haven't posted much lately,it has been 2 months now since my husband passed,and i am getting at that phase where i really realize this is final and there's no coming back,i miss talking to him ,and how i always would run everything by him before making final decisions.I am trying to get back in to everyday life,i started back at the gym,and i'm sore all over ,lol.I STILL haven't returned back to work,but that will be next,i work in a ER,so i want to make sure i can handle the stress,taking care of John the last 3 months was so stressfull,i needed the break from stress ,also he spent alot of time in and out of my hospital,so i will have to deal with that...God Bless and take care all,Kathy

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Dear Robinf,i just read your post,about how your husband passed ,i am so sorry for your loss.My husband passed Jan 9,2208,day before his b'day,he would of beem 53,my husband died from cancer.I know how you feel about being alone,this is the first time in my life that lived alone,and i hate it,I also loss my son 3 years ago  on his 21st birthday I CAN'T believe that 3 years ago my house was crazy all the time,i had my husband,son and a friend of my son's living here ,2 dogs and 8 puppies,i use to say all i want is some peace and quiet for 1 day,i tell people now watch what u ask for.I would do anything to have all that craziness back!!AND,when people ask me how are you doing ,I tell them "not good".Thank god i do have my other son ,his wife and my 2 grandaughters age 4,and 8 mo.GOD BLESS,Kathy

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I have been here reading all your posts. Some have really brought me to tears. I want to reply to them but then I realize, what good would it do?

My Jon has been gone 3 months and whenever people say things to "help" it doesn't. It just opens up the pain and I start crying again. Sometimes it is kinder to just say nothing.

I have my own version of how things have been for me. When I was having those neverending painful waves of screaming and crying, I was holding Jon back from going on. He was here worried about me - watching over me.

As long as I was in that hopeless stage, he wouldn't be able to go on to Heaven. He was stuck here taking care of me. You see, Jon would never have caused me pain when he was alive, he never would have allowed anything to cause me pain. He always took care of me and made sure I was alright. He loved me unconditionally.

What right did I have to keep him here, even in his death? I realized I had to let him go. He has a mansion to build for me in Heaven. He wasn't that great of a carpenter so he needs lots of time to get it ready for me to join him.

For the longest time I felt that God hated me. He punished me by taking my Jon so young. Then I realized that God loved me. He gave me 22 years with a man that loved me unconditionally. Those 22 years could have been miserable but God made sure they weren't. Yes, I had bad times, but Jon was always here to see me through them.

Now I remember the way he cared for me. The lessons he taught me. Everyone does just so much during their lifetime - Jon just did all his things faster. He lived a lifetime - just packed it all in 51 years.

Maybe letting him go so he could continue to care for me by working on that mansion is what I needed to do to get on with living.

Robin

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I lost my 41 year old husband of 22 years on March 1st, to a heart attack.  I can relate to what you are saying about people asking you  "how are you".  Isn't it weird in our deepest, soulaching grief that we don't want to make others feel bad...  I want to say...HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?? I JUST LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MY SOUL MATE..I HATE EVERYTHING..

.but I don't I, Like you say, fine....I hurt so bad

karla

 

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Karla, I think that people say "How are you" because they don't know what else to say. They always say "Let me know if you need any help" because they don't know what else to say. A lot of people haven't been through this so they don't know what to say and they can't comprehend what we're going through. They don't want to get out of their comfort zone and find out.

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Aurora, I think that is so right..they are only trying to help...but when they ask if there is anything they can do, aren't you tempted to say..can you bring my husband back?  that's so mean, but it is how I feel.

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Actually, I've said that a few times.  Instead of saying "let me know if I can do anything", I wish they'd say "I'm here.  What do you want me to do?"  Or do or offer something specific.  Make a meal, drive the kids, help straighten up the house, just let me talk and cry to you, etc.  Whenever people say that, I knw they mean well, but I'm in no shape to ask for help at this point.  Or I don't want to impose.

Sue

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Well, all you have to do is mention yard work or plumbing and they are OUT FAST or getting off the phone FAST. LOL. Yeah, it's one of those things with people-you have to find people that understand what you are going through and are willing to be with you, share with you and listen to you. Most of us have found out who our  true friends and family are in grief. It's hard, it's painful. Somewhere deep inside of us through the shock, numbness, pain and grief is a tiny spark of strength that will grow into a flame with hope.

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