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Bum


robinf

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Bum - isn't that a funny name?  My grandsons named Jon that and he wore it so proudly.  He always said that if he was in a crowd and heard the name Bum, he would know it was him they were looking for.

December 20th - like any other morning, Jon took his shower and got ready for work.  This morning was different - he came to me with the usual kiss goodbye and said, "You know what?  I am going to play hooky today and stay home and help you wrap Christmas gifts."  Wow - that was not usual for him - he never stayed home.

We spent the day at home - wrapping gifts and him working on his computer.  In the afternoon my grandmother called from California and since he was home - he got to be a part of the conversation.  Then it was close to dinner and he called his mother to go for a ride to pick up subs.  They had a nice chat.

He came home, we ate dinner and at 8 the grandsons, ages 5 and 3 call to say goodnight.  Well Bum decided to call them a little early - around 7:30.  He first spoke with Brandyn, I hate to admit - but he is our favorite.  Jon said, "Goodnight B, I love you."  Then we waited for Kameryn to get on the phone.  He's just 3.

Jon was sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap and I was about 5 feet away on the recliner with my laptop on my lap.

Suddenly I heard a weird gasping sound and looked at him.  His head was back.  He was gasping.  I figured he just had a cramp in his back or something.  It's happened before.  I said, "Jon, what are you doing?"  He didn't answer.  I jumped up and ran to him.  I grabbed the phone and tried to get Kameryn off the phone so I could call 911.  Kameryn thought we were playing with him and he kept laughing.  (that still haunts me)  After a lot of screaming - I just hung up hoping the line would disconnect.

I layed my hand on Jon's chest and told him he would be alright - that I was there.  I looked in his eyes and saw his pupils blow.  I knew it was bad.  I felt for a pulse, there was none.

I checked the phone and I was now able to dial 911.  I told them my address and that I needed an ambulance right away.  The lady just kept saying, "Calm down so I can help you."  I just wanted a darn ambulance!  Stop telling me to calm down.  We live a half hour from town and there is no time for you to keep talking - get the ambulance.

I ran to unlock the door and ran back to pull my husband off the couch.  He is a big man - well over 250 pounds and I am disabled so I had to do a lot of pulling and tugging.  I finally got him on the floor and started CPR.  I didn't know the numbers and asked the lady and she told me 30 and 2.  So I started.  You never know how hard doing CPR is when you have to do it to your own husband and you are screaming, crying and trying to reassure him and making sure you tell him you love him.

I knew he was gone.  At the hospital they said what happened to him was the same thing that happened to the young athletes on the field.  Nothing could have saved him.  He died immediately.  He was only 51.

I am devastated.  I am alone.  We were not from here so I have no friends - not one!  There is no bereavement group in the area - no help.  I never knew that sad could be so painful.  I feel everyday like I am in a haze - my world is over.

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Robin, you have friends here.  We are all together in this process of losing our life's loves. 

For me it's been almost a year and a half.  Those first days, hours, nights are so long, and so hard.  Do whatever you need to, in your own way. Don't let anyone else tell you how to grieve.  We each process this in our own way.  If possible, try not to make any big changes in your life for one full year.

I know it seems as if your life is over.  There is a part of us that dies with our partners, that hole will never completely go away.   Our beloveds are with us and send us signs, subtle sometimes, with meaning only for us.  Your Jon is with you, still sending love to you.  My beloved Ishaq has come to me many times in dreams and in other ways. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Do whatever you need, whatever you want.  I kept all of Ishaq's clothes and things, and I even left them in the closet for one full year.  I found comfort in their presence. 

You might want to post on the "I Miss Him So..." board as well.  I have found a lot of support there, and there are people who are in all the stages of the grieving process.  I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you found us here.  We are here to support you.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

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Robin, I am so sorry. What you are feeling is normal but I know how horrible it is. You can see no end to it. My husband died 18 months ago and my world still feels empty sometimes but not like it did right after he died. I wish I could tell you something magical to help you with the pain and despair, but all I can do is say that people on here care and understand. We'll help you as much as we can. Mary Jo

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Robin,  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  I, too, watched my husband die right in front of me, unable to get the help we so desperately needed.  For a very long time it haunted me day and night with flashbacks, seeing it over and over in my mind.  I encourage you, along with all the other ladies here, to keep coming back here for support.  We've all gone through similar losses and can understand each other better than anyone who has never experienced this devastating loss.  My prayers are with you and your family.  ~Oneta

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Well yesterday was an interesting day. I had an appointment with a financial advisor and he has everything under control for me.

Then I went to see my lawyer and he is drafting up a new will for me.

Next to the library. I could sit there all night if they would stay open. It just seems like a safe place for me. People are around and it is warm and friendly. I lost track of time and had to leave - in the dark - during another snowstorm.

I then drove out to my daughter's to spend the night with my grandsons - ages 6 and 3. Our lives evolved around those little boys and I want to continue being a BIG part of their lives. I get to snuggle the 6 year old and he is so cuddly. Besides, I get a weeks worth of hugs and kisses that I so dearly need.

We talked a lot about Jon. Pour little Kameryn, age 3 - said that "Bum" had been in Heaven long enough and it is time for him to come home NOW! That just breaks my heart.

Anyway - I felt really bad because we all sat down to have pizza and started telling funny tales about Jon and because of that - we started laughing at him and about him. I almost felt normal for about an hour!

I cried so much last night. It has only been 3 weeks and there I was laughing. For that 1 hour I thought I was over it! This scared me so much. I had no right to laugh and feel almost normal. My husband is dead!

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Robin,  Please don't feel guilty about laughing.  You need to laugh, even in the midst of your sorrow.  There will be plenty of tears!  The tears AND the laughter are both healing.  You will have many wonderful memories of your time together as time goes by, and those memories will be bitter-sweet.  Grief is just that way.  Whenever you're together with your family or friends and stories are told about him, feel free to laugh or cry, whichever is appropriate for the time, sometimes both - sometimes both together.  I have laughed while I cried and cried while I laughed.  Both are normal and healthy.  ~Oneta

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Robin,  My story is a little different than most.  My husband died 35 years ago, but I repressed the pain and the grief and moved on too quickly with my life, got remarried, had my family, lived my life.  Then when my mother got sick five years ago, I was spending a lot of time in Oklahoma where I had met and lived with my husband, and the memories began to flood back.  He was 25 when he died; I was 21.  He had had rheumatic heart disease when he was a child that had damaged his heart.  About a year before his death, they found a murmur which they were watching.  His heart was beginning to enlarge, so they scheduled him for a heart catheterization.  During the procedure, I know something very bad happened because he told me that they woke him up in the middle of the procedure, and the doctor was mad and was cussing and something had gone very wrong.  I never knew exactly what it was.  They told him he would need a very expensive, and at that time a very new procedure.  He had tremendous chest pain and difficulty breathing after the cath.  I've done research on it recently and talked to an OR nurse and studied his hospital records and figured out by putting 2 and 2 together that they probably punctured a hole in his heart valve, and he slowly bled out over the next three days.  He was in extreme pain the whole day on December 23, 1972.  He got up at 3 o'clock and said he was going to lie down in the bedroom.  He collapsed in the hallway just outside the bedroom.  I tried frantically to get help, but no one was home on a Saturday afternoon two days before Christmas.  That was before 911.  I couldn't think clearly enough to even call for an ambulance.  After maybe 30 minutes or so (time was ticking away and I really have no idea how long it was that he lay there dying), I was able to get someone.  They called the ambulance and he was taken to the hospital where he was DOA.  

Back then, at only 21, I was terrified of the emotions I was feeling after he died, and my family and friends didn't know how to support me.  I was also 8 weeks pregnant and didn't want to lose the baby, so I suppressed how I was feeling.  When my mother died, it brought it all up again.  For the past 4-5 years I've been dealing with it.  It's much worse when you suppress it and then have it resurface than if you just deal with it at the time of the tragedy. 

I completely understand the extreme range of emotions you're feeling right now.  They can be surprising.  They can be frightening.  But I've really learned how important it is to embrace the grief and work through it completely and not be afraid of doing that.  You need support while you're doing that, so that's why it's good for you to keep coming back to this board or some other board or find a support group somewhere to do that.  I know you're in more pain right now than you ever thought possible.  It's even worse when the death occurs without warning because you have no time to prepare yourself.  But whether it happens with warning or without warning, the feeling of emptiness and sadness is probably beyond anything you ever dreamed possible.  I know that I have experienced such great pain during these past few years that I have wished I could have died with him or could die now.  But as everyone here will tell you who has gone through this, it does eventually get better, and you find you can actually be happy again some day.  In the meantime, when you have those moments of laughter or lightness, don't let the guilt take those moments away from you. 

We're here and willing and wanting to support you and praying for you.  God bless.  ~Oneta

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Oneta,

What a terrifying thing for a young girl to go through.

Your words are so wise.  I have to wonder though - does the amount of time your are in terrible pain have any thing to do with how much you loved your spouse?  Am I supposed to have peaceful times in less than a month?  I feel quilty when I do.

The first 3 weeks were a complete fog and I have no idea how I managed to do any of the things I did.  Now I am working on week 4 and I actually have a (very few) moments when I m calm and not screaming and crying uncontrollably.

Then I am getting rid of some of his things - he was a generous man and always felt good when he was able to give things to those that needed them.  I just want to do this for him.  He hated things going to waste.

Is something wrong with me?  Everyone tells me that I should keep all his things for at least a year.  To not do anything with them.  I don't think that is what he would want.

I feel I should still be like I was in the first couple weeks and totally lost.  You see, I am having one of those moments now - my grandsons are here, playing in our house!  Just like the did every weekend.  It would be normal is Jon were sitting here watching them with me, but he isn't.  I should be a wreck right now - but I am having one of those calm, almost normal, and terribly guilty moments.

What is wrong with me??????

 

 

 

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Robin,

There's not a thing wrong with you.  That's one of those fluctuating things I was talking about.  You're just going to feel that way.  You're so close to his death right now that you're still somewhat in shock and/or denial.  That is partly why you can feel so good at times.  Many others have felt this way, too.  If there's anything "normal" about grief, this is "normal".  Take advantage of these good moments; they will be far and few between over the next few months.  Enjoy everything about your life that you can.  It is good that you have family; i.e. children, grandchildren, etc.  They can help mend your broken heart so much!  I have a granddaughter who is almost 3.  She looks just like her mother and grandfather and has his temperment and personality.  I love to be around her because she is such a sweet reminder of him.  Like I said, it's bitter-sweet.  I also think when I look at her and her older sister how much he would have loved to see them, play with them, watch them grow up.  He never saw his own daughter, either.  You're going to have all kinds of emotions coming and going, so hold on to the good ones.

In regard to how much we love them having anything to do with the amount of pain we feel at their loss...  I would have to say, yes, it would have a lot to do with it.  I have wondered over these past 4-5 years why I can't let go of him since I seemed to do it so easily 35 years ago.  Now I understand the whole repression thing, I can understand better how it happened then that I "got better" so fast.  I was still in the shock/denial phase and just never worked past it.  I have a very good email friend who I met on BI who lost her husband 1-1/2 years ago.  She and I have supported each other through this, and we have decided together that the reason we feel at times we aren't getting any better is just because we loved them so much!  But no one grieves in the same way.  There are no rules.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  (There are healthy and unhealthy ways, but that's not the same thing.)  The thing for you to concentrate on now is just taking care of yourself and do what feels right to you.  As far as his clothes and personal things go, again, do what feels right.  I would suggest that you keep a few things for yourself and not give everything away.  I think the reason for holding onto things is that you can change your mind after a few months and wish you had things back.  I got rid of most everything and now wish I had kept more.  I kept gifts, cards, pictures and his paintings (he was an artist) but got rid of all clothes, etc.  I know of women who sleep with their husband's clothes, and it is a comfort to them.  I have a couple of items of clothing of my parents', and that's why I kept them.  But you do what you think is right.

So nothing's wrong with you!  You're just where you are, feeling what you're feeling, doing what you're able to do, and there is no right or wrong.  Keep in touch and let us know how you are.  ~Oneta

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Robin,

I think I should amend what I said about how much you grieve being in proportion to how much you love.  I was answering out of my own experience which is not a wise thing to do.  I would say, in thinking about it, that grief is so subjective, just like love or anything else.  So much of it has to do with the complexities of the situation.  Sometimes family issues complicate the issue and make grief harder to work through which drags the process out.  How the person died and how prepared the family is for the death affects it.  In your case, you have an unexpected death which you witnessed.  This will most likely affect your grief process.  You might have feelings of guilt - that you could have or should have done something to prevent the death from occurring.  I went through that.  You might have flashbacks of the death because it happened in front of you and was pretty traumatic.  I went through that.  Trauma always will complicate things.  Suicide and violent death are always complicating factors.  People sometimes have arguments before an unexpected death, and that, of course, will complicate it.  Some people have more support from family and friends which will help them process their feelings more easily, which should help shorten the process a bit.  How emotionally stable the survivor is will help determine how long the grieving process is and how difficult it will be.  There are just so many issues that make each situation different that it would be wrong to say flatly "how much you loved the deceased person will make the grief worse or longer".  I know many people who loved the person who died very, very much and yet were able to process everything more easily or in a quicker time than other people.  Faith comes into play sometimes, too.  All these things affect our grieving process.  We're complicated beings, so grief is one of the most complicated things I can think of to have to deal with.  Just wanted to clarify what I had said before.  ~Oneta

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Now I take it all back.  Right when I think I am feeling better - my feet are pulled out from under me and its a big fall.

I am all so sad again - the pain is fresh and it hurts unmercifully.

It feels as though I have fallen in that neverending dark, wet and dirty hole and can't see either the bottom or daylight from the top.

I miss him so.  Those are just 4 little words but oh they are so very powerful!  I can't put into words the intense ache my heart feels.

I am so empty and yet so full of misery.  It pours out of me - the tears, the screaming, the words I say to Jon - to God - to anyone that will listen.

Please take my pain away - come home and wake me from this horror of a dream.

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Oh, Robin, what you are feeling is so hard. Right now there is not much anyone can do for you except tell you they understand and care. Grief cuts like a knife, it aches like a deep deep bruise and brings you to your knees. You described your pain well.

Scream, cry, pace, pray, break something you won't miss...anything that will give you even a small measure of relief. Sometimes even a fast hard walk will help. I used to tear old towels or newspapers into strips. I screamed into pillows and couldn't believe the sounds that came out of me. Reading books about grief also helped me as did writing in a notebook. Some of the pages just have I hate this!!! scrawled in big letters.

We all know how bad it is.... a roller coaster that goes up and down making you sick to your stomach. I used to cry so hard I threw up. Grief is a horrible thing but you can get through it. And that's the key...to face it and let it batter you as much as it has to. As you learn to deal with it your times of peace gradually get a little longer and closer together.

How long does it take? It basically takes what it takes. Personality and life experiences play a big role. All you can do is get through one minute, one hour or or day at a time. I used to hate it when people told me that but it is true.

You're in a good place here...Mary Jo

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MaryJo - this hurts so so much. I want a drug to take this away - I will wake up when it is over.

I am so afraid of this pain - my chest hurts - my heart is broken - no I am broken!

I want him to forgive me for all those times I was a horrible wife. For all the bad things I said - for making fun of him, for not being the wife he deserved ALL the time!

If I had known, if I had known that life really was this short - I would have done everything so very different. I hate that he is gone and now knows all the terrible thoughts I had about him at one time of another.

I want to start all over. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[align=center]In memory

Jon David Fowler

11/04/1956 - 12/20/2007

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,

blue skies from pain?

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have you found? The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DXCHa9BYfE

[/align]

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Robin,

I hate to see you in so much pain, but we all know to some extent how you're feeling.  The emptiness, the loneliness, just the wanting him back!!  As Mary Jo said do whatever it takes to give you even a moment's relief, as long as you're not destructive to yourself or someone else.  But if it helps to scream, then scream.  If it helps to cry, then cry.  If it helps to wail, then wail!!  It's horrible, this thing called grief.  But you CAN get through it.  Keep coming back and let your pain out here with us.  That will help some.  Bless you, sweetie.  ~Oneta

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Robin it is so very hard to get through the early part of loosing the one that you loved. I lost my husband in Oct of 07. He woke up the morning of Feb 1 and was passing blood when he went to the bathroom, took him to the er and he was admitted they ran all kinds of test. He had renial cell carcoma of the right kidney. They removed it April 11 we were told they got all of it no cemo, no radiation nothing. He kept saying his right arm hurt him and then his back I had him to the er in May, June, July and August I finally got them to do a bone scan, the day after Labor day we were told it was in his bones. He started radiation had 6 treatments and had to go into the hospital he was in so much pain. His radiation dr told me that if he has to stop treatment he would give him 2 weeks. While he was in the hospital he fell and  broke the right arm that had a tumor in it they transfored him to another hospital so he could have surgery and then I was able to bring him home and this was at the 2 week mark. I brought him home and stayed with him always never leaving for anything one week from the time I had him home he passed. That was 3 weeks from the time the dr said he would give him 2 weeks.

The part about wishing you could go back and do things different I so wish that I could do that. We had a really bad finght in JUly and I was gonna move out and get a divorce. I said some awful things to him and wished that I could go back and do it all over again.

My husband sounds alot like yours mine always helped anyone that needed it if we could. When I went  to plan his services I did everything that I know he would have wanted it. I had no flowers on the casket but I flag (he was a police officer) he used to alwyas tell me when I would hint flowers would be nice "You can't it them" so I knew he would not want me to waste money on them. And my sons picked out a very nice casket for him. Everything was very simple but nice just they way that I knew he would have wanted it to be.

There are times now since it's been 13 weeks that I can simle and laugh and not feel bad about it. You will never forget all the good times that you had with him. Everyone of us on here have been through it and we all grive in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to grive. And don't let anyone take that away from you take as long as you need to be able to move on the way you need to.

Sorry for going on but this place has been a god sent for me and we are here for you.

Lela

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Lela I am so sorry for your loss but it is comforting to me to know that someone out there understand my intense pain.

I am just miserable.  I have no idea how I even breath, nevermind walk.  I force myself out of bed and to get dressed.

When my Jon was here - I could stay in bed late into the morning and even stay in jammies all day since I never had to go anywhere in particular.

I enjoyed things like a daily iced-coffee and even make-up.  I haven't had a coffee or worn make-up since he left me.

I hate saying, "He left me" especially since everyone is saying he is with me.  But if he is with me - then he can't go on to Heaven.  I don't want to hold him back from finding his peace.  I already held him back from so many things in his life.

Thank you for your kindness to respond to me.  I have never, ever felt such pain and I just want it to STOP.

 

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Robin,

There is really nothing that describes the pain of the first few weeks or perhaps months or even longer. I don't think anyone who has not experienced it understands. Eventually you will want that iced coffee and you will put on your makeup....when you're ready.

I don't believe you're holding Jon back from heaven. He's there. And as far as your regrets, he understands them all. I believe that once we are with God, everything becomes clear in a way we can not begin to fathom here on earth. Just remember how much Jon loved you.

My husband died (yes, I can finally say that awful word) 18 months ago from chemo complications because of nonhodgkins lymphoma. He struggled for almost 5 years. Had two sessions of 7-8 week hospital stays and finally passed away at home in our bedroom under Hospice care. I have many regrets over things I said and thought. Rod once told me that when I got crabby and impatient, he understood that I was acting out on my fear. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty and ask God for forgiveness, but one day out at the cemetery such a feeling came over me that I knew I was forgiven. We are only human and can only experience those human (sometimes horrible) emotions. I don't think we can even begin to imagine the joy and peace they have although we will someday.

I had felt the kind of pain you describe once before after a divorce 24 years ago so I was dreading going through that hurt again...I knew it would happen when Rod was gone. Maybe that's why I dove into it head first and let it do it's work. I still have some really bad times but they don't happen as often and I have learned to deal with them.

I hope all the messages from others are a source of strength for you.  Keep coming here. Try reading posts from a few years ago. I used to radomly hit on a page and I almost always found something that helped. Somehow knowing others made it kept me going.

You're in my prayers....Mary Jo

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MaryJo,

So much that you and other say is exactly how I feel.  I also listen when people say, it will get easier, you will get through this, you are normal.  It is just so hard.

The smart strong woman that I know is still inside me somewhere knows that all these things are true and that it will get easier, that I will get through this.  Then there is the scared, lonely, hurt and broken me that is right now and I don't see another happy day in my future.

Today my son-in-law came out to do a few things around the garage and yard.  It hurt to see things going on out there and knowing it wasn't Jon out there doing it.

I miss him so much.  I've missed people before but that was nothing compared to knowing you will NEVER see this person again.  This "miss" is so intense.

 

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Robin and Lela,

The "missing him" feeling is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life and yes, it is very intense!  I'm still not past it and don't think I ever will be, even though I've been in this dark valley for nearly 5 years and even though the actual loss occurred 35 years ago.  (You can read a little of my story below if you need to.)  I've heard others say that you never really get over this kind of loss, and I'm beginning to have just a little understanding of what that means just a little bit.  It doesn't mean you will always hurt as much as you do now.  Right now you're in the deepest part of it and the part that hurts the most.  I think it does mean that some day you will be able to be happy again and remember your husbands, but without the intense pain you're feeling now.  But alongside that will be an accompanying memory of the pain.  You will always have an empathy for other women going through what you're going through right now.  For me, I think it means there will always be this little place in me, in my heart, that will always be a little bit sad.  We want what has happened to just not be true somehow, but when we come to accept that it is true and he's never coming back, we'll always carry him in our hearts, no matter how many years have passed. 

There is a "strong woman" in each of you.  She's there in all of us.  She is able to take a lot of hurt and sorrow and still manage to cope with all of life's struggles, still manage to rise above it all.  You will do that, too.

And I don't know how we could be human without thinking of things we wish we had done differently.  Try not to listen to that little voice that is whispering those things.  Our husbands don't hold anything against us.  They are perfectly happy in Heaven.  Everything has been forgiven in their hearts toward us.  In fact, I believe that they're cheering us on like no one else is!  Those regrets are also "normal", I guess, because most everyone seems to have them.

Both of you should post here as often and as lengthy as you want to and need to.  It will help you process your grief.  I know I have kept a diary or journal.  I did a LOT of writing in it in the beginning.  I was good to get those feelings out of me somehow.  It was also good to read back months/years later and see the progress that I was making because in the midst of it, sometimes it doesn't feel like there has been any progress. 

God bless you both.  ~Oneta

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Not a good day today. I spent the entire day in the emergency room.

My entired left side - from my neck to just under my ribs is in so much pain - all the way around to my back.

They did the entire heart workup on me. My heart is fine.

I've just been under so much stress and crying so much that my chest muscles are painful.

So I am on Hydrocodone for pain and they doubled my prescription of Lorazapam. I was only taking .5mg before bed. The doctor said there was no way that dosage was going to help me calm down. So he gave me 1mg tablets instead.

Its not been a good day at all - I've done a lot of crying.

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Robin,

That's a lot of crying!  I can understand.  I've shed enough tears to float a boat.  But terrible to do it so hard you end up in the ER.  Glad you got some medicine that will help you at a doseage that will help you.  In this stage of grief, you need all the help you can get.  We're still here.  Keep posting.  ~Oneta

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Last night my 3 year old grandson called.  He calls me Ma and my husband Bum.  Here's what he said, "Ma, are you always going to be Ma?  Your not dead, right?  Bum is dead."    The poor little guy is so afraid that I am going to die too.  The other day when I saw him he asked, "Are you really Ma?"  That one I don't understand unless my husband has been to visit him in his dreams.

What do you say to a 3 year old to help him understand?

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Robin,

That's a hard one!  I don't know what I would say to that.  Little ones have such a hard time understanding death.  All you can do is continue to reassure him that you are really you and you love him and Bum loved him and Bum still loves him and is "with him".  Little children have a great openness to spiritual things.  I don't know what your particular religious views are, but you might be able to tell him that Bum is with him like God is with him or angels are with him.  Constant reassurance... that's what he needs.  He is very confused by this.  He doesn't know why Bum left and may think all of you are going to leave, too.  Just keep reassuring him.  That's all I would know to say.  His parents need to reinforce what you say to him, as well.  My prayers are with you.  I hope this helps.  ~Oneta

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Robin I have three grandsons ages 2,3,and 4. The youngest Ryan called me Saturday before I left for work and was talking to me and then all of a sudden he says "I want to talk to papa where he at" all i could do was tell him papa is not here anymore remember and he tells me I love papa want to talk to him it was all I could  do to hold back the tears till I was done talking to him. His mom told me that they have papa's picture hanging in there room and Ryan goes in there standing on a stool and he just starts talking away to him just like he is right there with him. Last night my 3 year old Blake called me and said that his dad brooke down (this is  how he refeared to papa I am not sure why) I made him give the phone to his mom to find out what was going on. The little ones have such love for everone around them and they just don't know what is going on.It is so hard to  tell them what is going on around them. Both of my daughter in laws have told me different things that the boys have done referring to there papa and some of the things are just amazing. But I am so glad that I have them with me because I don't know if I would have gotten this far.

Have a good day! The sun is out here but it's still cold but nice to see the sun for a change.

Talk to you all later Lela

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I spent my day pretty much medicated. 

Don't have much to say.  I spent the day with my Mother-in-law and getting a few things done around the house.

Thanx much for asking about me.

 

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Robin.....It's ok not to say much or anthing at all. Keep reading, though, because it helps to be connected to those who understand. And meds are ok if you need them. I'm on small dose anti-anxiety pill that I started when Rod was so sick. Helps keep me even keel. Would like to get off it but don't want to face withdrawal in winter. Am really going to try this spring. Take it easy and remember, baby steps for now. You'll be able to take longer ones later. Mary Jo

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I don't even know what to say.  Everything I say seems redundant.  I feel the same pain and I feel so broken.  When will people get sick of hearing the same thing from me day after day?

 

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No...we all understand. Sometimes it just helps to get it out and express how you feel. We're all going through it now or have been where you're at. Hope your day is at least ok for part of it. MJ

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Robin,

We all say the same things over and over, too.  It's okay.  Anything is okay.  Nothing is wrong.  Hope you're beginning to not be so sore by now.  ~Oneta

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My meds seem to be working well.  I have calmed down quite a bit and the pain is masked.

I took an easy day yesterday and disn't leave home.  I took the meds the way I was supposed to and really chilled out.

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I just went through another one of those emotional waves.  I begged Jon to come home and at least talk to me.

I think this nightmare has gone on enough and I want to wake up and tell him about it. 

I just want him home - I miss him so much.

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Robin,

How I know the feeling you're talking about!  It's a dream you just want to wake up from and have it over and find out he's still there and never was gone to begin with.  That's such a "natural" part of grief.  "Natural" also will be the part of accepting that it's real, but you're not there yet.  Probably a long ways from there.  Just take your time and grieve as you feel.  You're not like anyone else, so you won't grieve like anyone else.  There are similarities, but that's all they are.  Hearing us say that we've felt that, too, is just confirmation you're not crazy because we all feel that way at one time or another.  I wish I could tell you it will be different, but I can't.  Give into it and don't try to keep it bottled up inside you.  It needs to come out.  I check your postings every day to see how you are.  Don't forget to post when you're able to. 

~Oneta

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Oneta,

You are just too kind to me.  I wish you were here to talk to.  I hurt so damn much.  It just hurts so much! 

Yesterday was 4 weeks and it isn't gettig any better.  I want him home to take care of me.

 

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Robin, I've sent you a private message.  It should show up in your regular email that you have a private message from BI.  It's me.  ~Oneta

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Robin...hang in there. I know how hard it is. The pain consumes every minute and every cell in your body. And I know what you mean about wanting to tell Jon about it. I missed Rod the most at his funeral because he wasn't sitting beside me in the pew with his arm around me telling me it would be okay. It will hurt and hurt and hurt  and hurt and hurt for awhile but eventually (on no certain time table) I promise it will gradually soften although you will always have bad days or bad moments. My mom says she still does after 10 years and she's remarried. I feel so bad for you. Wish there was something else I could do. Consider yourself hugged! Mary Jo

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Mary Jo,

So your mother says she still has problems with missing - I guess it's your dad - even though it's been 10 years and she's remarried??  That makes me feel a little better, then.  We somehow have the idea that because we've gotten remarried or into new relationships we shouldn't miss them anymore.  I'm glad you mentioned that she still has her "moments".  ~Oneta

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Oneta,

She was in tears this weekend as we discussed her 80th birthday. Both my brothers and all their kids and grandkids will be coming for Labor Day weekend as well as mine and I know she has a tough time when we're all together because Dad is gone. Her husband is a very nice guy but quite different from my dad. She moved into his home in a different town and usually is pretty happy but sometimes really misses her old life. I admire her spirit for going on.

It's certainly okay for you to miss your first husband (believe it or not I sometimes have moments - very brief ones- when I miss mine and we had a nasty divorce!) and mourn him even now. He's part of who you are and you would not have wanted to miss out on having him in your life even if it was for just a short time. We can't go back and do it over. All we can do is deal with what we've been given. I so envy people who married the love of their life the first time and had long happy marriages. I will never know how that felt.

Have a nice afternoon! Mary Jo

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Well, yesterday was the 4 week anniversary since I lost my husband, Jon.

It hasn't gotten any better for me. At least it doesn't feel like it. I am devastated and in so much pain. I miss him terribly.

Every Friday night we would have our grandsons ages 6 and 3. Tonight is the first time I have them for the night in my home. I am so full of controversy.

I want them here - they are my heartbeats - but it hurts so much to be doing this without Jon. He loved our weekends with the boys. We both adored this time. I want him to be here and share this time and all I can do is leave the room and cry.

The boys always slept with us on these weekends and tonight there will be only me to snuggle. Oh I want him back.

Robin

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Robin - Im so sorry for your pain, its terrible that we have to go thru this. Reading your post brings me back to the same time. It was so hard. but in time and with this board it will get easier to breath. I dont want to say it gets better cuz there is always those hard days but I can remember not being able to breath and thinking I was having a heart attack, it was the pain and sadness. Tomorrow is my Alex's 8 mo. and it just goes so fast.

I wish you much rest and peace, try to find happiness in these days with your grandsons. I hope them around will make you happy even if it is only briefly.

Take care, my prayers are with you.

Amber

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Robin,

I can only echo what everyone else says about giving yourself lots of time... lots and lots of time.  You will eventually be able to breathe.  Your chest will eventually quit hurting.  The tears will begin to fall less.  It's all just part of the grieving process, and it's the most painful thing I've ever been through.

My grandchildren have literally been my reason for going on.  I have one in particular who looks just like her grandpa and has his personality.  She is a particular joy because I see him in her so much!  I love them all and they all give me reason to continue working through this and not giving up.

I used to go into another room to cry, too.  I don't know how many times I did that.  You feel like you can't always cry in front of everyone.  Sometimes it's okay, but after a while, as other people move on, you feel that you carry your grief mostly alone.  During those times I would cry into my pillow trying to smother the sound so they didn't hear me or I'd get in the car and go for a drive.  If my tears got so heavy I couldn't drive, I'd pull over and cry it all out - for the time being. 

You may feel alone, but you have us to lean on.  We're here.  ~Oneta

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Oh Oneta you know exactly what I am feeling.

I have had to pull over in my car a few times too.  I couldn't drive further and had to just cry.

I have my times - I call these my waves.  Yesterday I just curled up in the spot he died and begged and begged him to just come and talk to me.  I slapped myself hoping I could just awake from this terrible nightmare and tell him what I dreamed.

People say I am still not accepting it - how could I not accept it?  He isn't here - he is dead - I know that.  I accept it.  I just wish it wasn't true.  Don't we all?

It's just weird - he was here one day and now he isn't.  I look at his pictures and I say, "See, you were here!"  That part was real and not a dream - he WAS here.

His voice mail at work was the only way I could hear his voice.  Now it is gone and I can't hear his voice anymore.  I miss it.  I miss him.

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Robin,

Boy, do I understand!  You can tell who you can talk to and who you can't talk to by the things they say to you - like those who tell you that you just aren't accepting it.  Of course you aren't accepting it!  Duh!  You may not accept it for a long time to come.  And that's okay.  Who wants to accept something like this anyway?  They wouldn't if they were in your shoes, either.  Like you say, you just want to wake up and have it just be a bad dream, but it isn't.  I would do the same thing... still do some... look at his picture and picture in my mind when it was taken, picture what we were doing at that moment.  I have one picture that was my very favorite that had gotten lost over the years.  He was standing next to a tree that he had carved our initials into when we were in college.  I look at it, imagine myself clicking the button on the camera, and then walking over to him and letting him put his arms around me and hold me.  But he can't.  He can't ever do that again.  So I cry.  If people haven't been where we are, they can't even imagine the pain.  ~O 

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Today is not a good day.  My grandsons went home and I am so very sad.  I just took a long bubblebath and just gets me thinking.

I want to talk to Jon.  I am going to read up on contacting our loved ones and I was also wondering - just wondering - if anyone had their heart stopped - talked with their loved one - and then had their heart restarted?

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