paralyzed

[Frani]

I have experienced loss in many forms throughout my life. each of them I've grieved differently some have even took little parts of me with but I have always somehow been able to make peace. but about 3 days ago 01/19/2022 my world...I mean I don't even know why im even trying to put a word to it. but I lost my human. my heartbeat. and I havnt moved since. im paralyzed. I've been staring at the wall. the reason I know im alive is because when I can actually breathe without having a panic attack each breath hurts more then the last. I havent slept since. every time every time I close my eyes im jolted awake by my brain replaying his face and i start panicking and loose my breath. he was the only way I could sleep. no matter what whenever he would get up if it was before me he would always make sure I would know he would be right back. its not even explaining the whole thing but I have nightmares snd struggle to sleep so thats why. I cant even express how much I miss his voice. my gosh. yet when I think about listening or hearing his voice through voicemails etc I become petrified. because I couldn't imagine hearing it. I mean the lengths I've gone to avoid seeing his name, just anything about him. I don't ever know how ill be able too. there is so much more but I cant write anymore. I don't know how or if I can make it through this. 

[steveb]

Frani, I’m so very sorry for your loss. With the help of family, friends, and time, you will get through this.  And, of course, we will try to help too.  Please post again when you are up to it.  We get what you are going through.  

Thoughts and prayers heading your way.   God bless, steve
 

[Remember the Big Mo]

Frani- So sorry for your loss-we are all on this site speaking the same language of grief. This is new, raw and lonely. I lost Rick 10 months ago and could not have made it this far without members of remote grief groups and support for the most surprising people. I have learned to ask for help -  we are here for each other. 

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Frani said:

I mean I don't even know why im even trying to put a word to it. but I lost my human. my heartbeat.

Welcome to the best place in the world where none of us want to be.  You don't need to struggle to find the words with us because we are all experiencing the same type of depth of grief and loss.  All of us have experienced other losses of one kind or another, or many different ones, and none--not one--compares to losing our one love who is the reason we live and breathe.  I promise you that we understand and "get it" in ways that others in your life probably do not.

I'm not at all surprised that you are paralyzed right now.  Most of us start out that way.  It's impossible to believe that the sun keeps rising each day or that the world keeps spinning.  How, we wonder, can we possibly continue to live now?  I won't sugarcoat it because I don't believe that helps most people:  You are at the beginning of a very hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, journey.  But when you are here, you are not walking that dark path alone.  Being here helped me see little bits or light and hope over time.  It took a long time and lots of help from the members here, along with my small loving and loyal circle of friends and family, but I started to be able to reach for some of them as I took baby steps forward.  We don't "move on" or "get over it."  That simply doesn't happen.  But this grief doesn't stay the same; it evolves as we figure out how to carry it, slowly and with much help from others.

What you are describing is so common among us as to be nearly universal.  This will sound like a cliche, but it's a cliche because it is true.  All you can do right now is breathe in and out, taking each minute, hour, and day as you can.  I urge you to try your best to get dressed each day, eat something nutritious, and do only what must be done.  You may be thinking, "Food?  Are you out of your mind?"  I felt that way too, but I did my best to get plenty of water and I ate things I knew I could manage like boosted smoothies, soups, and simple pastas.  This grief affects every cell of our hearts, minds, and bodies.

I urge you to continue to come here to read, talk, question, rant, or even "scream" if that helps.  You are not alone; we hear you and we will do our best to comfort and help in whatever ways we can.

[Amburr]

Hi Frani.....First off let me say I'm so sorry for your loss. 3 days is just the beginning so it's not a surprise that your feeling the way you do. When I lost my husband I shut out the world. I was lost and overwhelmed. I felt hopeless and was in shock. I would lay in bed and read the last messages I sent him over and over praying that he knew how much I loved him. I slept on his side of the bed because somehow it made me feel closer to him. I had his dog sleeping right next to me because I know she could tell something was wrong. I didn't eat, I barely slept, when I went to sleep I felt like I could hear his laughter and when I woke up and he wasn't there the agony would start all over again. 4 months later I still haven't mustered up the courage to delete his number out of my phone or actually shut the phone off. I wont try to convince you that its going to get better because it's never going to be the same but each day it will get a little easier, you just have to take it a day at a time. Right now your processing everything and trying to make sense of it all. It's ok to not be ready to hear his voice because it makes the fact that he's gone real. Believe me I have been there. I still am there. Grief has no timeline. Whether it is a week from now or a year from now you will start to heal. I joined yesterday and I'm glad I did because it showed me that there are people out there going through the same things as me and it's comforting to have someone to talk to who knows how you feel. Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to strangers then it is to family but everyone on this site is here to help. Just remember you are going to grieve the loss of your partner however you need to. Don't let anyone tell you what that should look like. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Amburr said:

4 months later I still haven't mustered up the courage to delete his number out of my phone or actually shut the phone off.

That's not at all surprising.  I just last week finally tossed some of John's favorite dishes I made for him that were still in the storage freezer.  I couldn't bring myself to eat them, but I couldn't throw them away either.  What finally pushed me to do it was that I had to have the house and garage fumigated this week (blankety-blank termites made a little colony in one corner of house).  All food and beverages that aren't factory sealed must be removed or double bagged and sealed in special "fume proof" bags. 

And so I went out to the storage freezer and realized that it would be folly to bag those things after so long because they were not edible and were taking valuable space for the bagging.  I won't lie; it was still kind of painful to do it, so I took them out and dropped them straight into the garbage, much like ripping off a bandage and then bearing the pain.  It stung for a while, but I realize that those food items aren't John and keeping them won't bring him back.

You should do things in your own way and your own time.  It doesn't matter what other people do or think.  It's all about you.  It really is.  What helps or hurts you is all that counts.  So if keeping his phone number on is what you need to do, then don't worry about what someone who doesn't understand this might say because their opinion does not matter.

[KayC]

Fran, I am so sorry, this is the hardest thing I've been through and I didn't see how I could live a week without him, but it's 16 1/2 years later and somehow I'm still here.  I've had to do it one day at a time, in the beginning it was an hour or even just a minute, I couldn't handle any more.  It's the hardest shock, our brains go into a deep fog, it's like a brain trauma it feels and it's hard to think, make decisions, anything.  I do hope you'll continue to come here a read/post, it helps us process our grief and know we're not alone and here's a place where others get it and understand and won't say stupid platitudes and cliches to you.  This is a caring grief family.  We're in this together.

I wish none of us had cause to be here, but being as we do, I'm glad this place is here for us.  

It's too soon for you to absorb any of this and some of it is for further on down the line, but you can access it here as it's on your first thread, and you can download/print it when you are more ready.  We all send you caring thoughts. 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jen H]

20 hours ago, Frani said:

I have experienced loss in many forms throughout my life. each of them I've grieved differently some have even took little parts of me with but I have always somehow been able to make peace. but about 3 days ago 01/19/2022 my world...I mean I don't even know why im even trying to put a word to it. but I lost my human. my heartbeat

I can definitely relate to your story.  I've experienced many losses as well but these were nothing like lossing him.  He was there to protect, support, and hold me tight through the all pain.  When he left, it felt like my whole world was taken away and half of me died with him.  It's been almost four months now and it hasn't got much easier.  I'm just making it through each day the best I know how.  Your loss is so so fresh and new.  We all felt like that in the very beginning.  The shock is extremely overwhelming.  I don't know how I even got through those first days.  My mind was in a fog.  My body felt like a zombie in a bad dream.  I don't have all the answers for you.  But I just know what's been working for me is just to take it one day at a time.  You're still in shock so you should be feeling like you are now.  Come here if it helps.  I know this place has helped me tremendously.  We all understand and support you.  

12 hours ago, Amburr said:

 4 months later I still haven't mustered up the courage to delete his number out of my phone or actually shut the phone off.

Almost four months and I refuse to delete him off my phone.  Though his phone did shut off after almost two months of nonpayment.  He has a prepaid phone.  I would still text him while I was at work.  One day it didn't go through and i was so heartbroken.  For some reason video calls still connect on his phone.  I send him hearts and emojis still.  I don't know why.  I also write to him on his phone and look at pics and watch a video of him on it.  I will never get rid of it.  

[Jennifer Uren]

@Frani 3 days is so fresh and raw. It was 2 months yesterday going by date (November 22nd) by weeks tomorrow will be 9 that I lost my fiancé/ best friend and protector. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this pain. Like you I’ve suffered loss but nothing compares to losing Jay. He’s my world, my everything. Somehow we’re expected to go on living in a world without the person we counted on for everything. Our entire futures included them. It seems impossible to do imagine a life without them. My main source of comfort has been coming here, reading other’s stories and sharing mine. Please keep coming. You are supported here by people who can best relate to your pain, sorrow, grief journey.

[Loriii]

Fran, I feel you. I'm very sorry for what happened. I could honestly relate. You've perfectly described how I am feeling. Like you, I feel like my whole body is paralyzed. Maybe, not that literally. I can move but I carry this burden of sorrow everyday. In the past, I always open and go to our bedroom with a smile and excitement (even though it doesn't show at times) especially if I know that my hon (Catherine) is inside either sleeping, watching or doing her stuff. This room used to be lively. Full of joy and full of love. My daughter and I used to goof around here every night before going to sleep. When I'm busy outside and Catherine is sleeping, sometimes, I'd silently enter this room just to give her a kiss, then go out. Now, when I'm here. I'm almost always just in front of a computer. The silence is deafening. I could hear the clock ticking, which I never noticed before. I look around with no purpose. I stare at the wall with no purpose. I stare at her computer and her sit. Everything feels empty. I could still hear her calling me "Hon" with her cute, soothing voice. I could still smell her scent. The memories, the thought that I'm never gonna experience everything again makes me feel paralyzed at times. I am alive and breathing. But it feels like my mind and, especially, my heart are slowly dying. 18 days later, I don't know if I'm going to make it through. 26 days since I last heard her voice. This site has been helping me a lot. It is like my therapy. So, please ask for help if you need to. We are going to listen to you.

[Marievc]

On 1/22/2022 at 3:02 PM, Frani said:

I have experienced loss in many forms throughout my life. each of them I've grieved differently some have even took little parts of me with but I have always somehow been able to make peace. but about 3 days ago 01/19/2022 my world...I mean I don't even know why im even trying to put a word to it. but I lost my human. my heartbeat. and I havnt moved since. im paralyzed. I've been staring at the wall. the reason I know im alive is because when I can actually breathe without having a panic attack each breath hurts more then the last. I havent slept since. every time every time I close my eyes im jolted awake by my brain replaying his face and i start panicking and loose my breath. he was the only way I could sleep. no matter what whenever he would get up if it was before me he would always make sure I would know he would be right back. its not even explaining the whole thing but I have nightmares snd struggle to sleep so thats why. I cant even express how much I miss his voice. my gosh. yet when I think about listening or hearing his voice through voicemails etc I become petrified. because I couldn't imagine hearing it. I mean the lengths I've gone to avoid seeing his name, just anything about him. I don't ever know how ill be able too. there is so much more but I cant write anymore. I don't know how or if I can make it through this. 

I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my everything a couple weeks ago. I suffer from not sleeping well too. Everyone says as time goes on it will get better. Right now I can’t think it ever will

[steveb]

On 1/23/2022 at 12:20 AM, foreverhis said:

So if keeping his phone number on is what you need to do, then don't worry about what someone who doesn't understand this might say because their opinion does not matter.

I still keep my wife’s iPhone line active.  Her phone is on my desk and hooked up to a charger.

You nailed it foreverhis, the opinions of others in such matters means nothing. 

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, steveb said:

I still keep my wife’s iPhone line active.  Her phone is on my desk and hooked up to a charger.

You nailed it foreverhis, the opinions of others in such matters means nothing. 

My sister in law has my wife's iPhone and one of the kids pays to keep it activated. I can't handle having it at home so thankfully my sister in law doesn't mind keeping it. The kids call it once in a while to hear the voice message of my wife. I haven't called it because it's guaranteed I'll break down every time. Just to think I used to call her a few times a day every day just to see how she was doing and tell her I love her, and now all I I have is the memory of it. I can still hear her voice in my head, I don't need the phone, that's how much I loved her voice.

[Frani]

On 1/26/2022 at 3:58 AM, steveb said:

I still keep my wife’s iPhone line active.  Her phone is on my desk and hooked up to a charger.

You nailed it foreverhis, the opinions of others in such matters means nothing. 

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SHARED THEIR STORIES AND OFFERED ADVICE, I HVAENT BEEN RESPONSIVE BUT IT HASNT GONE UNNOTICED AND FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART..I THANK YOU. 

[KayC]

We're here for you...when you're ready.