Mess

[BBB]

I'm a mess. Living a life in constant denial. Insistent on someone or something up there screwed up. They took the wrong person. It was clear, it was in the card, we were supposed to grow old together. That's not just the way I/we wanted it but that's the way it was supposed to happen. This can't be real.

 

[SDC]

I'm sorry and I hear you. I'm coming up on the two year anniversary (April 2020 death date) and I'm having those same thoughts again. Why is this my reality? Why him and why then? Why does a healthy 56 year old man leave for an errand and never return? It's impossible to think it's supposed to be this way even though IT IS this way. I hate these cycles of ruminating. They're exhausting. I try, and often fail, to remind myself of the universality of realities that don't make sense to people. It doesn't ease my pain and confusion, but I feel a bit less alone in hy suffering. Try to remember that the cycles of feeling particularly bad don't last and you just have to get through. I know that is no help. Be extra kind and patient with yourself. 

[Sparky1]

I feel for you BBB. I have the exact same sentiments. A day hasn't gone by that I don't ask why? Every greeting card I gave my wife used to say we will grow old together and be there for each other. She used to say the same thing to me. Now I feel like a nomad wandering in the wilderness, with no hope in sight. The emptiness in my heart can't be filled by anyone other than my wife. Friends and family are like a bandaid on a big wound, they can't heal that wound.

[foreverhis]

49 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

The emptiness in my heart can't be filled by anyone other than my wife. Friends and family are like a bandaid on a big wound, they can't heal that wound.

Nothing can heal us. Smart, caring friends and family understand this and don’t even try. I’m lucky (relatively, that is) that I have a small loving circle who don’t ever try to “fix” me. They do what they can to make my life now better than it might be otherwise, but they know I will never be the same. They know their lives are diminished with John’s absence too, just not in the same way.

Months ago I was with my sister (by birth) and BIL. She said, “The four of us should plan…” I looked at her and asked, “Four?” She looked stunned and said, “I forgot again. I’m sorry.” I told her no, it is good that she keeps John in her heart like that.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

She said, “The four of us should plan…” I

OMG, Annie, I'm so sorry.  Those freudian slips are so hard.  This is so hard to get used to.  

BBB I doubt there's a one of us that can't relate to what you write...

[BBB]

I'm sure you are correct Kay. Most all in fact I'm sure can relate. I just feel better being able to post it. It's getting a tiny bit of weight off. I cannot tell family and friends that I'm doing terrible or that I'm a mess. They don't want to hear that nor do they know how to react.

 

[Jen H]

You can definitely come here and say whatever you need to all these people and get all the support you need.  I feel so alone inside with no one to let it all out to.  I know no one wants to here me run my mouth about this.  This place is all I have. It's the only place where I can come to know that I'm not all alone or going crazy.  

[BBB]

Exactly Jen. Here and pretty much here only (unless you have a therapist) is where you can voice your thoughts, anger, whatever. After a certain period of time, all family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances don't want to continue to hear it.

 

I feel a lot like Forrest - "Momma always said death was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't".

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG, Annie, I'm so sorry.  Those freudian slips are so hard.  This is so hard to get used to.  

BBB I doubt there's a one of us that can't relate to what you write...

Actually it stung for only a moment. That John is still so much in her heart makes me happy, if that makes sense. He was so much a part of her life that her feeling his presence at times is a testament to how much they meant to each other.

Because I was a teenager when she was born, she was one of “our girls” and spent as much time with us as possible. We included her in so many things that people who didn’t know us thought she was ours. We didn’t mind that a bit.

[KayC]

On 1/14/2022 at 5:27 AM, BBB said:

I'm sure you are correct Kay. Most all in fact I'm sure can relate. I just feel better being able to post it. It's getting a tiny bit of weight off. I cannot tell family and friends that I'm doing terrible or that I'm a mess. They don't want to hear that nor do they know how to react.

 

Unfortunately, this is true.  It helps to have a friend, sibling, someone you can talk to.  Alas that's not the case for many of us, friends disappeared on me overnight.  They kind of have the "deer in the headlights" look.

I'm glad you have a sister you're close to, Annie.  I have one I've always been close to but it's a double edged sword now with her dementia.  Still, the love is there.