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Losing dad after he suffered so much


Ringoparker

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Hi and thank you in advance for taking the time and reading the following.

The Story

I will try to make it as short as possible, but it's quite a long story. I had an incredible 34 years. Was raised by a loving dad and mum, a fantastic grandmother and a lot of friends that I've met in my journey, a fantastic SO and a good and stable job. But everything changed close to Halloween 2020.

My 96 old grandma, who was still independent, living alone, felt in her home and broke her hand. My parents took her in until everything was ok, but in a matter of days, a "sleeping" dementia she had became full awake and in just six hours it went from her not knowing who they were, saying that they are to strangers who want to kill her to trying to break their heads. Imagine, a 96 fragile lady doing that. Sadly, because of covid I couldn't arrive fast and they had three hours of chaos. Finally and in an incredible way, I've made all the arrangements to take her to a care home until we will see what to do.

We were lucky enough to take her to a place that helped a lot and she is still there today, 80% of her usual self, recognising everyone, but, of course, with dementia moving slowly.

However, that night something happened to my dad (my dad being her son in law, not her son. 66 years old). The following day, dad had fever and chills and just in a few days he was rushed to the hospital.

No one knew exactly what was happening to him, but he was getting swollen of liquid in his lungs and body. From November 2020 to April 2021, I've taken my dad at least 10 times to the ICU.

Finally, after visiting the best clinics both private and public, we decided to take him to another one, the best in my country. He was diagnosed with pericarditis, so he had to take a special treatement and then see if he will have a surgery or not. My dad was a person who was going very often at doctors, very preocupied of his health, very paranoic when it comes to this. 

Things looked ok for two months, finally he was called in july to talk with the doctor about getting the surgery, because it was for the best. Mum went with him in the doctor's office where they talked about the details, how they will open him up, etc. Three days later, dad was rushed again by me at the ICU having huge respiratory problems.

Because of a screw up, his surgery was pushed on 9th of August. We finally went there, however, when we arrived, his operation was again pushed because there were no open places at the ICU. On the morning of 14th August, the roommates from the hospital told dad he slept funny and very agitated. That was the last time we spoke with him, he was intubated in just a few hours.

Two days later he was operated. It was a success, but the doctor informed us that my dad is very sick: His Ankylosing spondylitis changed his thorax and now it's applying pressure on his lungs, with one lung being really affected after he had tuberculosis in 85, which he recovered.

He stayed intubated for close to one month. He reached 49 kilograms. He was awake, but intubated, in ICU, alone, with no phone, no tv, nothing. Finally they decided to make a tracheotoma to help him breath. They did and everything was ok for about 5 days. Then they found food in his lungs, food was going there so they had to make an incision to feed him from a tube directly in his stomach. He constantly lost weight, no matter what they did or we did. I've talked to multiple nutritionist, I was going once in three days to take him food full of proteins, healthy, nothing worked.

Close to December, the ICU moved him to another hospital, one specialized with respiratory problems. The plan was to make him comfortable with a smaller respiratory machine then I've booked a place to the best recovery clinic in my country, to help him get at least 10-15 kilograms and put him on his feet. Nothing worked.

On 21st of December, in the night, he had a cardiac arrest. For two weeks he stayed like a vegetable and finally on 4th of January his heart stopped. 

He couldn't fight anymore, he had close to 30 kg, 9 hospital bacterias. But no signs of Lupus, Leukemia, Cancer, Infections or Tuberculosis.

The conclusion

There were 5 months in which I've did everything I've could and everything went wrong. I've did everything to protect mom, spoke independently with doctors, tried to bribe, tried everything to save dad and I couldn't. And the last time I could hear his voice I've ignored him, I was upset because I was certain his way of being was direct responsible of this, that he somehow it was his fault. 

I am not the first person to lose his dad and I won't be the last, but I cannot understand how this was possible, how he was so sick and multiple doctors couldn't identify it. Sure, there is a small part of me that thinks he knew it, but under pressure, as I mentioned, dad is not reliable. I am mad on him because he left us, I am mad on myself because I never clicked with him and never had talks, that I never told him that I love him, even if I hope he knew, that I did not do more, that I did not believe him when he said he couldn't breath, that he was so unlucky and so and so and so.

I feel relieved he is not suffering anymore, but I am heartbroken he is not here anymore. People said I was a Panzer these year, but little did they know I was a Panzer in 1944 with everyone and everything hitting me from every direction.

I don't understand life anymore, I don't understand anymore why stuff like this happens. Why us, why did he have to go so early and so stupid. 66 was no age, not for someone who was not ill, who was taking care of himself before all of this.

The past year changed everything I've believed in.

And there are two other things that I can't explain:

1. All these five months, when were visited him in the hospital, he always wrote us to buy a place in the cemetery. Finally when mum told him we did, he had the cardiac arrest.

2. We hid everything from grandma, she never knew that dad was not well. But almost every time we visited there, she said something: "Take care of him, Take super care of him, THAT WOMAN wants him".

 

Where do I go from here, How to I cope with all of this?

 

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Dear Ringoparker,

I am sorry to hear about everything you dealt with your dad. Family relationships are not easy. I too tried to do my best and have struggled with everything you have asked. 

I have tried everything from grief counselling, grief support, talking to people, taking on new rituals but I truly hope with more time you'll be able to forgive yourself. It is torture to look back and think about all things that have gone wrong. But you are only human and only did what you could. My counsellor asked me what if you did everything right? Could your dad still have passed away? I guess the answer was yes but I still felt strongly I made a fatal error. 5 years later I still think about it and struggle.

Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Keep taking it day by day.

Thinking of you.

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Hi please try to be gentle with yourself you did everything you could. I explain to a hospice nurse and she told me I did everything humanly possible. everything turned out the way it was supposed to.

my mom died on April 10, 2021 5:20 PM feels like yesterday actually my moms name is Kazuko I just named myself on the website with her name because her name was so unique

I can’t believe she’s gone….. I took care of her for two years in my home every day with a routine with her I will get her breakfast and say good morning I will get her lunch and I will say good night …..I only had one day off but six days a week she was like my baby

my mom was diagnosed with an incurable cancer HPV and ended up having hepatitis C in the end and her liver gaveout on her, I helped her six days with hospice on her journey to heaven 

I still have the images in my mind and I’m grateful to God that I was able to say things to her even though she was unconscious.
I knew she could hear me because she would moan and grab my hand.  I’m so grateful for this but also it is like a double edge sword because now I have those images in my mind the way she looked so thin and different but peaceful at the same time. 

I live with “guilt” also because when she came into my room and wanted me to help her with her mask I told her to please sit on the bench in my room and I would be right with her little did I know that she had hepatitis and her liver was going bad which made her dizzy and she fell from a 2 foot bench  broke her hip on February 3 and everything went wrong after that she declined rapidly 

now that bench haunts me in my bedroom the thought of me telling her to sit on the bench haunts me. if only I could go back in time and insist on blood test for hepatitis and be aware that she could fall easy. 

Now I ask God to give us strength to remember the happy times and know that I mothers would want to sit take care of ourselves so that we could live long happy life until we meet again. 

**Take care of yourself and know that you have a place where you can express your feelings know that we are here to listen

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Also I forgot to say that I know how you feel when it comes to being upset with them.  I was upset because of my mom she found the bump on her leg …..she did not say anything…

she tried to hide it. she was old fashion did not believe in doctors and thought that it would just go away.

I wish she would’ve taken good care of her self went to the doctors and maybe she would still been here today. Also towards the end she probably had pain that she did not tell me about bleeding  that she tried to hide from me. 

along, with I feel that the doctor should’ve been more on top of things I did everything I could humanly possible to ask questions to get second third opinions to do research. I was only human not a doctor and they should’ve known more things…done more test…found out she had hepatitis C before they even begin chemotherapy treatment.

However,  even if all the above would’ve happened and all the test been done and if I would’ve been 100% on top of things she still most likely would have died because it was her fate and there’s “no fighting fate”. 

I do not know all the answers I’m still searching I cry every day looking back on what I could’ve done better etc. but I come to this place to read other peoples stories….to know that I’m not alone and that other people had similar situation as I did. 

I do know deep inside and believe that we were a good children and our parents =

very lucky to have us!! 
Be gentle to yourself take good care :) 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Kazuko said:

Also I forgot to say that I know how you feel when it comes to being upset with them.  I was upset because of my mom she found the bump on her leg …..she did not say anything…

she tried to hide it. she was old fashion did not believe in doctors and thought that it would just go away.

I wish she would’ve taken good care of her self went to the doctors and maybe she would still been here today. Also towards the end she probably had pain that she did not tell me about bleeding  that she tried to hide from me. 

along, with I feel that the doctor should’ve been more on top of things I did everything I could humanly possible to ask questions to get second third opinions to do research. I was only human not a doctor and they should’ve known more things…done more test…found out she had hepatitis C before they even begin chemotherapy treatment.

However,  even if all the above would’ve happened and all the test been done and if I would’ve been 100% on top of things she still most likely would have died because it was her fate and there’s “no fighting fate”. 

I do not know all the answers I’m still searching I cry every day looking back on what I could’ve done better etc. but I come to this place to read other peoples stories….to know that I’m not alone and that other people had similar situation as I did. 

I do know deep inside and believe that we were a good children and our parents =

very lucky to have us!! 
Be gentle to yourself take good care :) 

 

 

Thanks for sharing, Kazuko, your mum would have been proud she had someone like you.

In my case I feel the system failed him, I failed him for not fully believe or understand his situation or his body failed him in every possible way.

I feel bad we did not went to see him after he had the cardiac arrest, in those two weeks when he was a vegetable. I did not want to see him life that, and didn't want mum to see him also. I know it's the best decision, because an image like that would haunt us, but still, does not help at all.

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:) ❤️ Thank you for your kind words!!  To know that I was a good daughter!! 

Oh my please take care of yourself.   I know it’s hard it’s still “very hard” for me and I have no one to talk to everyone has moved on. it has been 9months since my mom died and I replay those months after she fell in my room February 3rd. until the day she died on April 10th.

I am so upset with the doctors  & the system because I told the doctors that she had a blood transfusion when she had a hysterectomy in her 50s and no one did a hepatitis C test and for some reason I did not think about it ….I to have risk with hepatitis C….but I was so worried about the cancer fighting for the “Keytuda” treatment which they didn’t want to give her because it cost so much money…. finally fought so hard they approved it by messing around with some numbers for insurance to finally give it to her .

I was the only one taking care of her my other 2 brothers were not involved….. I was the only one and I’m 56 years old and I have 2 grandchildren to take care of. I was so busy I didn’t even have time to brush my teeth at night at times the only time I had to myself was when I laid my head down at sleep at night. 

the doctor should have done all the tests necessary and they most likely would have found her hepatitis C and maybe they could’ve cured it in the beginning….when they did her hip surgery it caused the hepatitis C to get worse and damage her liver causing “End stage liver” :( 

she had so many complications before this the cancer the radiation damage from treatment for the cancer in her rectum so she was bleeding malnutrition etc. etc.

when she had the hip surgery it pushed her off the cliff and her body just cannot fight anymore she was 4 foot 11 Japanese lady she was a fighter even the doctors were amazed at how she lasted almost 2 years after the diagnosis of stage four cancer…. she wanted to live just a couple more years to travel back to Japan to see her sister but due to Covid we are unable to go :( my heart is saddened that she was not able to accomplish this wish 

I was able to bring her home 5 days before she died with hospice and yes it’s not a pretty sight. One of my brothers did not come to see her because he had severe anxiety and did not want to remember her this way so I completely understand. However in the hospital she told my stepfather that she did not want to die in the hospital that she wanted to die at home so somehow I got the strength to do it…I survived it …it was difficult I have images and I can’t get past it….now I am left to Somehow deal with the damage it has done to me.

I need to get into counseling . I’m looking for an individual counselor that I can see face-to-face but right now direct Covid there is limited appointments so for now I just go on the Internet and read stuff and write down in a journal my feelings and it seems to be working for now to get me to get up in the morning and do what I need to do and go to sleep at night to get my rest.

I read a post once that said that = to look back and be proud of yourself and you survived it all and that your parent would be proud of you!!!

**live your life to the fullest because that’s what parents want for their = children to be        “happy & healthy!!! 

 

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Ps… do not feel bad that you do not go see your dad …you did what your instincts told you to do….this was “God” talking to you and knew this was the best thing for you to do.

you can always talk to your dad in your prayers and you can write down your thoughts in a journal and let him know how you feel. 
 

I have a picture of my mom where she used to sit and I go into the room and talk to her in the mornings and at night this seems to help.

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I am sorry to hear that, Kazuko.

I think counseling can help you, If you need the feel to share, please do, you can write me any time. I think I will try also some therapy, but same situation with covid. I want to do it face-to-face, not via a screen.

About praying, don't know, what happened to dad and grandma really hit all of my beliefs. Both of them were incredible people, both religious, but not fanatics, just good people.

What happened to them is not fair.

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Yes I know what you mean I’m not very religious myself I believe there’s a God or a spiritual being… I do not go to church anymore but I do say prayers at night just talk out loud to help me fall asleep.

I know it’s hard to not understand why good people are taking away from us :( I had an experience with my first grandson my daughter-in-law carried him to nine months and then he died at birth this is hard to understand why God would take him away from us.

all we can do is take one day at a time one hour at a time and try to be good to ourselves. I also do not like this online zoom kind of meetings it’s kind of weird to me not comfortable.  I do believe or think that one on one counseling would be the best. until then you can write to me anytime also :) anything say anything you need to say. I will do the same it’s good to know there are other people out there that care and understand :) 

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