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making bad choices, and I don't want to tell anyone else


her_chrissy

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her_chrissy

I'm drinking and staying up all night when I should be resting. I'm obsessing over photos and messages, combing over my wife's entire life to understand everything and feel close to her, when I should be taking care of myself. I can't stop. It's the only thing I live to do now. I can't tell my family or friends because they desperately need me to be "okay". I can't blow them off or they'll come over or something intolerable like that. It's 3am, put down the bottle and go back to sleep, you absolute mess of a human. 

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her_chrissy
4 minutes ago, Nightsky777 said:

I know you feel.im in the same place as yourself all I say is it does getting  with time 

Thank you. I want to believe you, I do. Can't sleep either? I read your story and I can't imagine my friend. I'm so sorry. 

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All I can say is that I feel your pain. I am not drinking but I also stay up till late cause I have real trouble falling asleep without my husband.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. I can't stop thinking why... we couldn't make it. He so wanted to celebrate his victory with good red wine (Shiraz was his favorite) when he beat cancer. That day never came. After his passing, I saw his favorite wine and mine stocked in the cupboard. I so regret that we didn't have that moment together anyway.

Here is another mess of a human.

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her_chrissy
5 minutes ago, Kay2021 said:

Here is another mess of a human.

We'll all be messes together. I've certainly had a little too much, as today is 3 weeks since she's been gone. The longest we've ever been apart by a long shot. Tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow will only add to that perpetually rising number. I'm sorry for your lost anniversary. I toast to your husband, and his strength of will to fight as long as he did. Be well today.  

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I've been drinking to cope as well.  Started before he passed while we were going through the awful cancer.  I don't drink to where I'm drunk.  I'll have one or two drinks but it's been almost everyday for like a couple years. I have to stop before it gets worse.  Told myself just yesterday I'm gonna try and not drink this week.  I have to work alot anyway.  See how that goes.  

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3 hours ago, Kay2021 said:

All I can say is that I feel your pain. I am not drinking but I also stay up till late cause I have real trouble falling asleep without my husband.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. I can't stop thinking why... we couldn't make it. He so wanted to celebrate his victory with good red wine (Shiraz was his favorite) when he beat cancer. That day never came. After his passing, I saw his favorite wine and mine stocked in the cupboard. I so regret that we didn't have that moment together anyway.

Here is another mess of a human.

That is so hard!  I never have found an easy way to go through them.  It was the best day of our life, how are we supposed to feel/respond when they're gone.  :(  Thinking of you today as you make your way through this.  :wub:  I finally reached the place where I can acknowledge what a special day it was without the letdown of his absence getting the best of me in it.  It took a long while.

Wedding Anniversary after Death
Wedding Anniversary When Your Husband is Dead
Wedding Anniversary When Your Husband is Dead

Wedding Anniversary
Wedding Anniversary

 

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I would not be able to sleep well if we were apart earlier for some reason like travel. Now honestly I am doing about 6 mg of over the counter Melatonin every night to get sleep. It helps a bit, but no pattern or rigidity. I sometimes ask my wife to get me asleep and that helps too. I don’t know why we are so unlucky as to not to continue longer with our soulmate in our lifetimes.

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20 hours ago, Ken57 said:

I don’t know why we are so unlucky as to not to continue longer with our soulmate in our lifetimes.

I've wondered the same thing, I try not to overthink it or it'd drive me nuts.  Someone from Italy on my other group wrote:
È così! (It is what it is!)

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

I've wondered the same thing, I try not to overthink it or it'd drive me nuts.  Someone from Italy on my other group wrote:
È così! (It is what it is!)

In my dialect: "it's like this". Could be different but I'm not too fluent in the official language.:biggrin2:

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Thank Kay to write in italian:D the last one is "e' quello che e'!" Meaning "e' cosi'!":wub:

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I couldn't find V.R.'s post, so looked it up, maybe google translator is off. ;)

 

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her_chrissy
4 hours ago, Peifered said:

I understand on so many levels. I feel guilty for my bad coping habits because I know they aren’t helping

Peifered, Thank you for saying this. We must be kind to ourselves and understanding of our own weaknesses at this time. I'm being careful and responsible, and I hope you are as well. I can expect there will be many trials before we can say we are "okay". You are not alone either, my friend, and I'm tremendously sorry that you have found yourself here, but I thank you for being here now nonetheless. My best, -c

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2 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

We must be kind to ourselves and understanding

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned on my grief journey...George was no longer here to love/protect me so I need to do it for myself.  He was my best friend, now I have to be my own best friend.  It took a while to get there...

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Bennie Jets
On 1/10/2022 at 4:02 AM, her_chrissy said:

I'm drinking and staying up all night when I should be resting. I'm obsessing over photos and messages, combing over my wife's entire life to understand everything and feel close to her, when I should be taking care of myself. I can't stop. It's the only thing I live to do now. I can't tell my family or friends because they desperately need me to be "okay". I can't blow them off or they'll come over or something intolerable like that. It's 3am, put down the bottle and go back to sleep, you absolute mess of a human. 

her_chrissy, I think the thing is to be kind to yourself and like Kay said...

 

On 1/14/2022 at 7:42 AM, KayC said:

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned on my grief journey...George was no longer here to love/protect me so I need to do it for myself.  He was my best friend, now I have to be my own best friend.  It took a while to get there...

So, if you are kind to yourself, you don't berate yourself for what you do. You understand and you have compassion. I am sorry you have to hide from your relatives and friends, but they probably mean well but just can't understand at this point (Maybe you can tell them about this book by Megan Devine called "It's OK That You're NOT OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand).

Bad habits are good habits in a way: we create them to fill a need and it is the best way we know how to fill that need at the time. I hope you can increase love for yourself and acceptance and then all self-destructive stuff will dissolve on its own.

Can you do this simple little exercise once a day: look into your own eyes in the mirror and say "I love you. I really really love you." and just be there for yourself? I would say: don't scold yourself for bad habits, just try to love and understand yourself and be there for yourself.

I used to buy too much stuff, too many plants to be exact. My husband, when he was still alive, encouraged my "bad habit" and often asked: "Did you see another plant today?" because he knew it gave me some relief, something to hold onto in the terrible downward spiral during his decline and cancer treatments.

Drinking may hurt you in the long run, but I think it probably won't work if you get harsh with yourself to try to stop it. Love is better than criticism, if you can find your way there again, even if it is just love for yourself and your memories, from what I've seen.

Just my 2 cents.

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On 1/10/2022 at 3:02 AM, her_chrissy said:

I'm drinking and staying up all night when I should be resting

Ya know I drank for years after my husband passed. I said I wouldn’t go back to that person again. Well since my fiancé passed. Today makes one month. I’m drinking right now. I thought about going gambling and decided not too because I wanted to be able to drive home. So I’m at home drinking and thought I’d watch a movie to occupy my mind.  One of my sons boss told me that if I drank 2 coronas with lemon and salt I would pass this stone. I don’t like corona so I drankthe 2 and it didn’t work. So I bought my favorite beer and said maybe this will help. I haven’t drank since last weekend but I haven’t been able to sleep and go to bed at a decent hour so my body is tired from the no rest.  For the past week I guess the anticipation of wow it’s actually gona be a whole month has been getting to me.so here I am alone drinking tonight. We like the same beer so I opened one tonight and said here’s to you baby. Today is 1 long miserable month. I haven’t been on here much. I just found this. So her_chrissy you’re not alone. Please don’t let it take control of you. Just the few conversations we’ve had I know you’re a strong person. Yes I’m drinking but I’m not gona let it control me. I’m just gona do my best to numb some feeling tonight.

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On 1/10/2022 at 9:26 AM, KayC said:

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. I can't stop thinking why

I know it’s hard. Sorry I missed telling you happy anniversary. 

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Thank you @IL2. I certainly feel like I am in the endless tunnel of darkness all by myself. You remind me again that I am not alone in this. So thank you.

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2 hours ago, Kay2021 said:

. I certainly feel like I am in the endless tunnel of darkness all by myself. You remind me again that I am not alone in this. So thank you.

You’re more than welcome. You’ve have helped me as others have too! Thank you

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14 hours ago, Bennie Jets said:

Megan Devine called "It's OK That You're NOT OK

One of the best!  In fact, my pastor quotes from it all the time.  Another is C.S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed."

14 hours ago, IL2 said:

I know it’s hard. Sorry I missed telling you happy anniversary. 

That is a quote from the other Kay, our anv. is Oct. 19.  ;)

 

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