Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Guilt


Sheemie

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My husband and I choose to not get vaccinated because we were scared, because we lived in a red state. I cant tell u how many people said, "dont get the vaccine, dont beleive anything u hear, its all lies." My husband caught it and unfortunately was one that it killed. I feel horrible unrelenting guilt. Honestly who really knows if the vaccine works. If it works how do u explain the Healthcare workers refusing it, the deaths from the vaccine, or the multiple vaccinated dying from it or testing positive despite multiple doses of it. I had few family members tell me I killed him because I did not make him get it. I suggested it multiple times but ultimately he chose to not get it. And every unvaccinated death the news tells us that they are martyr for getting the vaccine. I feel like a criminal because we did not get vaccinated. I feel like I killed him sometimes. That guilt is made worse every day when I see news say so and so died because they refused the vaccine.

  • Hugs 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's a terrible thing.  Guilt is a normal feeling but you should remember that it was a mutual decision.

My brother died in much the same circumstances, and I still feel that I could have done more to convince my brother to get vaccinated.  Although I know I would have failed and just driven him away.

And as for the news, be sure to get the news from multiple sources, not just one news site - if all of the news you get is focused on one outlook then you can't know the truth.  I tend to watch CBS/NBC/ABC news and CNN and BBC as well, just to be sure I'm not getting only one side.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Sheemie and Mike,

I am so sorry for your loss. It's really hard. We all want to do right by our loved ones. With my dad, I tried to be Batman and save him but sometimes he was too stubborn for me. People told me over and over again you can't make someone do something they don't want to. I never wanted to upset him or push him or make him mad and left him be. We all do the best can sometimes with what we know in the moment. We're only human. I found this article helped me when it comes to guilt.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sheemie, I'm sorry for your loss as well.  You can’t blame yourself.  All we can do is try to make informed decisions.  My daughter (RN at the time and now a nurse practitioner) worked in a medical ICU of a very large hospital when Covid started. The vast majority in there due to Covid we’re unvaccinated. Your story may help someone on the fence about getting vaccinated.  The vaccine works, but it’s not perfect.  If you are still unvaccinated, please consider getting vaccinated. Talk to medical professionals.  Folks with an agenda (on either side of the spectrum) don’t have your best interest at heart. 
 

God bless, steve

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
caughtoffgaurd

My Husband of 19 years also was determined not to get the shot.  He rarely got sick.  I chose to get it, for a couple of relatives who I did not want to get them sick.  Then he lasted 2 weeks only with Covid.  Yes I wished I had tried harder to convince him.  Honestly I barely tried at all.  I figured he could make his own choice and he would be fine.  He died in early June, so not even a year ago.  We have 3 kids 14 and up.  I hope you do not always feed guilty.  We as adults make our own choices.  choices have consequences.  You did not cause this pandemic.  

This month would be our anniversary and his birthday.  I went to Grief Share at my church for 12 weeks.  It was really helpful.  What have all you done for yourselves? I read a couple of books too.  This is hard.  I never knew it would be this difficult.  

  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear caughtoffguard,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Appreciate your compassion.

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. For myself, I tried grief counselling, grief support group, writing, painting and reading. But I found being at this forum helped me the most. It was a safe place to express myself. I received so much kindness and moral support and understanding. I could not even count on my family and close friends so I was so grateful to this space.

Thinking of you.

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

It's not right of your family members to throw the blame and guilt upon you in that manner when you're trying to grieve the loss of your husband and you've been doing the best you can.

You sound like you did what was kind, what was respectable, and honored your husband. You respected what your husband wanted and I give you a lot of kudos for that. You sound like a wonderfully brave person.

You shouldn't have to feel like a criminal - I don't see you doing anything wrong but making the choices you felt were best at the time and life tends to take its course on things.

Death has an interesting way of finding us. There may be a time when it's our time to go and no force is going to stop that.

Take comfort in knowing that you both felt that you made the decisions that were right for you. Take comfort that you also respected the decision your husband made. Take comfort that you did your best and now it's time to take rest and process.

If you have family dragging you down and guilting you more, don't feel shame in not responding or blocking them on your phone, social media, or avoiding places they might be. Guilt never helps the grieving process. You can choose to face those family members in the future when you have healed more if you choose to. It makes me sad to hear that you're being met with such guilt by the people that could truly offer you the most support right now.

What also might help is finding a grief & loss group in your area or online that might have a lead counselor or more helpful resources or others you might be able to connect with even locally. These forums seem like a great place to start, too.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you for your sympathy and support.

I could not see my husband dying anytime much less suddenly and unexpected. I could not fathom the horror of not being able to be with him. The guilt from not being with him devastates me always. My grief has been extremely complicated because of the way he passed and my lack of close support due to estrangement issues in our family, distance. We didn't have children together and my stepchildren and in laws didn't know me well or did not like me much. I go down that rabbit hole of guilt too much that I didn't try harder to get to know them especially with my husband gone and really being all alone which I was most of my life but now know what I am missing, love, connection, person who always had my back. 

  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.