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I went hiking in the mountains with girlfriend she fell to her death


Nightsky777

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Nightsky777

I've been drinking far to much this is first night I haven't I miss my girlfriend so much she was everything I ever wanted and more I can't belive she's gone

For first time in my life I knew I wanted to marry someone never had that before and I'm 40

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I am so sorry!  That is truly horrific!  We didn't even MEET until our mid-40s, he was my soulmate, best friend, we wanted to grow old together!  He died five days after his 51st birthday.  

We have others going through this, even younger than you.  VERY hard!  Very unfair.  I understand your drinking, so no condemnation here, but just want to point out that it is a depressant so not exactly what you need right now, I'm sure you're depressed enough.  I don't know that someone can get drunk enough to wipe this all out...

You have found a good place to come to, full of people who get it and understand, have been there.  I do hope you have support around you, family/friends that care.  All our friends disappeared overnight and my family was caring and supportive but did not understand, having not been through this myself...with the exception of my mom, and she's gone too now.  It helps to read/write here, it helps process our grief.  It's not the mere passage of time but what we do with it.

Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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Nightsky777

Thank you for you kind words it's helping a lot I was wondering if anyone would like to talk or text because I feel so alone my family are helping but it goes so far I have lots friends to go for pint with but no real close friends plus I feel like bring people down when I'm round them I don't blame them as people just want be happy 

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Nightsky777

Xzy I was exactly the same I just knew she was the one for me I've never been so happy in my life we weren't  together that long but I just knew 100% I spoke to her daughter yesterday and she told me the same which made me feel better it's very sad as she had 2 daughters one 22 and the other 13 with A.S.D I dont think she totally gets emotionally whats happening

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Roseapple

No one here will judge you for drinking in this time when grief is still fresh and everything feels to overwhelming and uncomprehendingly. My love died on the 16th of December just some weeks ago. I have been surrounded by people since then but I haven’t felt so alone since before I met him. It feels like I lost the only person that ever understood me truly and that is what made me feel not alone in this world. Take it day by day, don’t think ahead, little tasks day by day, little victories like getting out of bed, making the bed, prepare food. Don’t be hard on yourself everything that is normal feels abnormal now. Keep talking here, someone will always read and answer. ❤️

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Apparently you have joined or you wouldn't be posting, I see we've already responded to you, you're crying out, can you be specific what is going on there?.

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Nightsky777:  Yours is truly a tragedy. I am very sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It can't be easy. You've come to the right place for support. Everyone on here tries to support one another, be it by sharing their stories or their feelings or advice. They are very generous with their support. 

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I think Nightsky777 was asking about the post you sent about a chat that was going on.  Wondering what that is as well?

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I hope someone helps you with chat, etc, usually @widower2  responds when I tag him.

I hope in time her dog will provide you comfort, I know it's been very helpful for me to have Kodie, without which it would be hard to go on...

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Nightsky777

Today I was thinking I'd phone tor (Victoria) then remembered she was gone broke down in complete fold of tears sobbing on the floor I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go I think scared him I just don't want to with emotions they come from no where and I end up crying on floor hunched up 

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30 minutes ago, Nightsky777 said:

Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears 

It’s normal brother. Don’t judge yourself on how you are feeling.  I know it’s a soul wrenching experience, but you will learn to cope at your own pace.  
 

steve
 

 

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, Nightsky777 said:

Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears 

Yes, I'm afraid it is.  After 3-1/2 years, it happens much less often than it used to for me, but there are still triggers I don't expect that can knock me down as a wave of grief washes over me.  The comfort is that those waves aren't as high and they don't last as long.

You are absolutely in the raw, broken, crushing time of early grief.  Everything will seem impossible and you will probably have physical symptoms too.  It surprised me how much my early grief affected my medical conditions and made them worse.  For now, all you can do is get through each hour, each day as it comes.  Do what must be done and consider that enough.  Cry, rant, scream, question, and talk.  Do whatever ever helps in any little way.

4 hours ago, Nightsky777 said:

broke down in complete fold of tears sobbing on the floor I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go I think scared him I just don't want to with emotions they come from no where and I end up crying on floor hunched up 

You might have scared him, but what you are seeing as fear may be that combined with a desire to comfort.  My doggy friend who visits a few days a week is super sensitive.  The first time I broke down crying while she was sleeping next to me on the sofa, she woke up, looked at me, and then butted her head at the book in my hands so she could climb on me.  She leaned in hard and then sank down onto my lap, literally holding me.

He is grieving too and is probably scared of the changes to his life.  There's no doubt that our pets grieve as they love, fully and unconditionally.  Give him reassurances, especially if you have been crying, so that he knows he is safe and secure with you as he figures out his new life too.  In time as you are together, you will probably be able to comfort each other. 

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14 hours ago, Nightsky777 said:

Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears 

Yes...

I don't know why but I feel I need to share this:
Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Bonds - rituals
Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing Relationships

 

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

The chat room I created is here http://www.chatzy.com/51955090651171  but it isn't really being used, people just didn't seem interested, sorry...

Perhaps you could resurrect it for the new grievers' sakes?  If I could, I would use it, but with limited data, I can't, I'm sorry.  I do so appreciate your being here for people!

14 hours ago, Nightsky777 said:

I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go

My daughter pointed out to me that Lucky was grieving as I was so wrapped in my own grief I couldn't see in front of my nose, I ran across this later on and hope it helps:
Grieving Pet

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widower2
On 1/6/2022 at 9:55 AM, KayC said:

Perhaps you could resurrect it for the new grievers' sakes?  If I could, I would use it, but with limited data, I can't, I'm sorry.  I do so appreciate your being here for people!

Same to you :)  I'd be happy to hop on here and there, the problem is people doing it at the same time...of course people could hop on and leave a message and check back, but that ends up being about the same as posting here. 

Just so people know there is no registration or cost or anything required, just pick a name and log in.

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On 1/5/2022 at 6:39 PM, Nightsky777 said:

Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears 

Nightsky777:  While there is nothing normal about losing a loved one it is unfortunately normal to feel the way you do. If I ever go to a carnival, I won't ever ride the roller coaster. 

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Nightsky777

Does anyone want text or talk as I feel don't have anyone to talk because my girlfriend and I met online and we where in own little bubble it's shame because at Christmas I was going to meet her friends family and she was going to meet mine 

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Roseapple

 

I’m on discord, it’s a good app to chat, without needing to provide any phone number. We can figure out something there ❤️

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I am sorry for your devastating loss.. Having people to talk to can help...

 I know it is free to make a discord server. So it is a group chat thing, people can join openly or it can be locked and be invite only.. Can make different channels within the server to chat on as well. Grieving.com could make one if they were interested, could make one for each forum, and have it be the official discord for the site, or someone could just personally make one.

 

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26 minutes ago, Roseapple said:

https://discord.gg/hdDr9fEr

I gave it a try let’s see if it works 

Nice, is there a way to get the serve info to turn into English? I don't know much about discord, other than its a great way to talk, share pics, and vids.

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For anyone seeing this, discord is free, and really easy to use. Its a great way to talk to people, started out for gaming, but has expanded into everything. Maybe a dedicated forum post should be made for the group so others can find it.

 

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I thought this was funny being as it was the discussion here...today's comic:
 

PBS.JPG

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I thought this was funny being as it was the discussion here...today's comic:
 

PBS.JPG

Ha, aww.. Cute yet sad.

I've yet to do zoom. Discord is all text, there is an option for audio/video too though. Im just so bad about live chatting. I get nervous, dont really know what to say.

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Roseapple

Maybe for those who feel comfortable discord is a nice 2nd option. It’s still different to post something and reply to a post. If @Nightsky777 or anyone else needs to chat please do ❤️ It’s all optional. 

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