Members Nightsky777 Posted January 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2022 I don't know what do now 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 1, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 1, 2022 I've been drinking far to much this is first night I haven't I miss my girlfriend so much she was everything I ever wanted and more I can't belive she's gone For first time in my life I knew I wanted to marry someone never had that before and I'm 40 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted January 2, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 2, 2022 O my goodness words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. Im 46 and lost my boyfriend, soulmate, my everything to cancer 3 months ago. I finally had to accept the cancer wasn't going away and it would take him one day. Though there was still hope deep inside. It was sudden finding him in the bed that morning. Looked like a murder scene. Very traumatic. Worst day of my life. Worst time of my life. But I can't even imagine losing him like you lost your love of your life. Everyone's loss is unique and I wish I knew all the right things to say to you. All I can tell you is that I know the deep unbearable pain your going through and tell you how I've managed to make it through so far. First I came here because Ive lost my mom, dad, and close girlfriend before him so I am pretty much alone dealing with this. I had to find someone, anyone to talk to who would truly understand what I am going through. Do you have anyone in your life who at least will listen, support, and be there for you? They might not know all the right things to say or do but if their heart seems in the right place then keep them close and around. Don't isolate yourself too much. But do also take time for yourself. If you need to cry your eyes out then do it to get it out. If you need to vent and let it all out you can also come here. These people all have been through their own unique situations. They all understand and give such good advice and support. Second I can only function so far by waking up and only thinking and doing what I need to do for that day. Somehow I manage to push through even though the sadness and thoughts of him constantly never leave me and seem unbearable some moments. I try to do positive activities such as exercising and spending time with my daughter and my pets. And of course I have to work not at my dream jobs but it keeps me busy and is pretty much the only places I would go without him so it's an unchanged place for my mind to be at. Lastly I really try my hardest to not let my mind wander to much or long with thoughts like regrets, what ifs, anger, guilt, the future, etc. etc. I have to tell myself these thoughts will never bring him back or make things better. I want to end with the coping mechanism of drinking we both know is definitely not the answer. It's good to know you made it through today without it. I also have been struggling with drinking to cope with my loss and even before while dealing with his sickness. I have had the strength finally to not have a drink some days but it's a continuing struggle. I hope my words have helped you in some way. If only to let you know you are not alone in your extreme deep grief. 3 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 2, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 2, 2022 I am so sorry! That is truly horrific! We didn't even MEET until our mid-40s, he was my soulmate, best friend, we wanted to grow old together! He died five days after his 51st birthday. We have others going through this, even younger than you. VERY hard! Very unfair. I understand your drinking, so no condemnation here, but just want to point out that it is a depressant so not exactly what you need right now, I'm sure you're depressed enough. I don't know that someone can get drunk enough to wipe this all out... You have found a good place to come to, full of people who get it and understand, have been there. I do hope you have support around you, family/friends that care. All our friends disappeared overnight and my family was caring and supportive but did not understand, having not been through this myself...with the exception of my mom, and she's gone too now. It helps to read/write here, it helps process our grief. It's not the mere passage of time but what we do with it. Grief Process I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Xyz Posted January 2, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 2, 2022 I lost my boyfriend in a hiking accident as well. I wasn’t with him at the time, but I had to be the one to initiate the search and rescue efforts. And to coordinate contact with his parents (overseas) when he was found. It was so sudden, and he was so experienced. He knew what he was doing on that mountain. He’s my soulmate and love of my life, I knew it from the first week we were together. It’s been two months that I haven’t been able to talk to him, hold him, enjoy the life we built together. I feel so sad yet so numb. I don’t know how both things are possible to feel at the same time. I don’t care about anything in my life anymore. I just want to be with him. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted January 3, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 3, 2022 I am so very sorry for your loss Nightsky777. The folks here have certainly helped me to process my grief. We are a community that understands the pain and suffering that you are feeling. The bottle numbs the pain temporarily, but that’s about it. Jen H and KayC gave you some excellent advice. I integrated many pearls of wisdom from this forum into my own grief journey. I can’t thank KayC and the others enough for their empathy and insight. You, Jen H, and Xyz will be in my prayers tonight. God bless, Steve 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 3, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2022 Thank you for you kind words it's helping a lot I was wondering if anyone would like to talk or text because I feel so alone my family are helping but it goes so far I have lots friends to go for pint with but no real close friends plus I feel like bring people down when I'm round them I don't blame them as people just want be happy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 3, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2022 Xzy I was exactly the same I just knew she was the one for me I've never been so happy in my life we weren't together that long but I just knew 100% I spoke to her daughter yesterday and she told me the same which made me feel better it's very sad as she had 2 daughters one 22 and the other 13 with A.S.D I dont think she totally gets emotionally whats happening 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roseapple Posted January 3, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 3, 2022 No one here will judge you for drinking in this time when grief is still fresh and everything feels to overwhelming and uncomprehendingly. My love died on the 16th of December just some weeks ago. I have been surrounded by people since then but I haven’t felt so alone since before I met him. It feels like I lost the only person that ever understood me truly and that is what made me feel not alone in this world. Take it day by day, don’t think ahead, little tasks day by day, little victories like getting out of bed, making the bed, prepare food. Don’t be hard on yourself everything that is normal feels abnormal now. Keep talking here, someone will always read and answer. ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 3, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 3, 2022 @widower2 has a chat going you might want to consider... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 4, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 4, 2022 Apparently you have joined or you wouldn't be posting, I see we've already responded to you, you're crying out, can you be specific what is going on there?. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted January 4, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 4, 2022 Nightsky777: Yours is truly a tragedy. I am very sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It can't be easy. You've come to the right place for support. Everyone on here tries to support one another, be it by sharing their stories or their feelings or advice. They are very generous with their support. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted January 4, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 4, 2022 I think Nightsky777 was asking about the post you sent about a chat that was going on. Wondering what that is as well? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 4, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 4, 2022 He started a chat, I tagged him but he hasn't responded yet... @widower2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Nightsky777 Posted January 5, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 5, 2022 I received my girlfriends dog today he's going to live with me now as I know that's what Tor (Victoria) would of wanted. However it's bitter sweet as he was with us when she passed I'm bit shocked that daughter's didn't want him. One is 22 years old and just moved into a small flat so fair enough i guess and other daughter is 13 However she has A.S.D plus I don't think her father wanted her to have the dog. So it's best solution that take of him on and do love dogs. everytime I look at him it reminds me of her it's bit painful but I know in time it will pass She was the love of my ife I've never been as happy as I was with her Does anyone know of any whatsapp groups or kiks groups where I could actually talk or text someone cheers 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 5, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 5, 2022 I hope someone helps you with chat, etc, usually @widower2 responds when I tag him. I hope in time her dog will provide you comfort, I know it's been very helpful for me to have Kodie, without which it would be hard to go on... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 6, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 Today I was thinking I'd phone tor (Victoria) then remembered she was gone broke down in complete fold of tears sobbing on the floor I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go I think scared him I just don't want to with emotions they come from no where and I end up crying on floor hunched up 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Nightsky777 Posted January 6, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 30 minutes ago, Nightsky777 said: Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears It’s normal brother. Don’t judge yourself on how you are feeling. I know it’s a soul wrenching experience, but you will learn to cope at your own pace. steve 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 6, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 10 hours ago, KayC said: I hope someone helps you with chat, etc, usually @widower2 responds when I tag him. The chat room I created is here http://www.chatzy.com/51955090651171 but it isn't really being used, people just didn't seem interested, sorry... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted January 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 3 hours ago, Nightsky777 said: Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears Yes, I'm afraid it is. After 3-1/2 years, it happens much less often than it used to for me, but there are still triggers I don't expect that can knock me down as a wave of grief washes over me. The comfort is that those waves aren't as high and they don't last as long. You are absolutely in the raw, broken, crushing time of early grief. Everything will seem impossible and you will probably have physical symptoms too. It surprised me how much my early grief affected my medical conditions and made them worse. For now, all you can do is get through each hour, each day as it comes. Do what must be done and consider that enough. Cry, rant, scream, question, and talk. Do whatever ever helps in any little way. 4 hours ago, Nightsky777 said: broke down in complete fold of tears sobbing on the floor I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go I think scared him I just don't want to with emotions they come from no where and I end up crying on floor hunched up You might have scared him, but what you are seeing as fear may be that combined with a desire to comfort. My doggy friend who visits a few days a week is super sensitive. The first time I broke down crying while she was sleeping next to me on the sofa, she woke up, looked at me, and then butted her head at the book in my hands so she could climb on me. She leaned in hard and then sank down onto my lap, literally holding me. He is grieving too and is probably scared of the changes to his life. There's no doubt that our pets grieve as they love, fully and unconditionally. Give him reassurances, especially if you have been crying, so that he knows he is safe and secure with you as he figures out his new life too. In time as you are together, you will probably be able to comfort each other. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 6, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 6, 2022 14 hours ago, Nightsky777 said: Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears Yes... I don't know why but I feel I need to share this: Continuing beyond physical death Continuing Bonds - rituals Continuing Bonds - WYG Continuing Relationships 11 hours ago, widower2 said: The chat room I created is here http://www.chatzy.com/51955090651171 but it isn't really being used, people just didn't seem interested, sorry... Perhaps you could resurrect it for the new grievers' sakes? If I could, I would use it, but with limited data, I can't, I'm sorry. I do so appreciate your being here for people! 14 hours ago, Nightsky777 said: I've taken her dog on as there no where for him to go My daughter pointed out to me that Lucky was grieving as I was so wrapped in my own grief I couldn't see in front of my nose, I ran across this later on and hope it helps: Grieving Pet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 8, 2022 On 1/6/2022 at 9:55 AM, KayC said: Perhaps you could resurrect it for the new grievers' sakes? If I could, I would use it, but with limited data, I can't, I'm sorry. I do so appreciate your being here for people! Same to you I'd be happy to hop on here and there, the problem is people doing it at the same time...of course people could hop on and leave a message and check back, but that ends up being about the same as posting here. Just so people know there is no registration or cost or anything required, just pick a name and log in. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 9, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 Couldn't we start a whatsapp group chat 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 On 1/5/2022 at 6:39 PM, Nightsky777 said: Is normal to keep on crashing like this I'm fine one moment then I'm in floods of tears Nightsky777: While there is nothing normal about losing a loved one it is unfortunately normal to feel the way you do. If I ever go to a carnival, I won't ever ride the roller coaster. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 10, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 Does anyone want text or talk as I feel don't have anyone to talk because my girlfriend and I met online and we where in own little bubble it's shame because at Christmas I was going to meet her friends family and she was going to meet mine 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roseapple Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 I’m on discord, it’s a good app to chat, without needing to provide any phone number. We can figure out something there ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catcat Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 I am sorry for your devastating loss.. Having people to talk to can help... I know it is free to make a discord server. So it is a group chat thing, people can join openly or it can be locked and be invite only.. Can make different channels within the server to chat on as well. Grieving.com could make one if they were interested, could make one for each forum, and have it be the official discord for the site, or someone could just personally make one. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roseapple Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 https://discord.gg/hdDr9fEr I gave it a try let’s see if it works 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catcat Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 26 minutes ago, Roseapple said: https://discord.gg/hdDr9fEr I gave it a try let’s see if it works Nice, is there a way to get the serve info to turn into English? I don't know much about discord, other than its a great way to talk, share pics, and vids. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catcat Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 For anyone seeing this, discord is free, and really easy to use. Its a great way to talk to people, started out for gaming, but has expanded into everything. Maybe a dedicated forum post should be made for the group so others can find it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 10, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 I thought this was funny being as it was the discussion here...today's comic: 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catcat Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 4 hours ago, KayC said: I thought this was funny being as it was the discussion here...today's comic: Ha, aww.. Cute yet sad. I've yet to do zoom. Discord is all text, there is an option for audio/video too though. Im just so bad about live chatting. I get nervous, dont really know what to say. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roseapple Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 Maybe for those who feel comfortable discord is a nice 2nd option. It’s still different to post something and reply to a post. If @Nightsky777 or anyone else needs to chat please do ❤️ It’s all optional. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 11, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 11, 2022 By funny I meant ironic not haha. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nightsky777 Posted January 18, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2022 No problem I liked it 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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