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I blame myself for my cat's death. I am feeling horrible


missing_my_friend

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missing_my_friend

I am just feeling horrible for past few days. Crying every time I look out of the backyard door. 

Thinking my cat is outside looking but she is no longer there. 

I had outside cat who I've been caring for over 10 year just passed away on 12/24/21 and I feel like I didn't do enough for her.

I first met her when I moved into my current rented house, this very skinny dirty orange cat was walking along the wall. 

I left her some food outside and our friendship started since that day. 

For past 10 years or so, she was always in my back yard and decided to remain there until the end. 

She always wanted to come inside the house but I did't let her except in garage. But my husband built water proof, insulated house and put beds and blanket to withhold cold weather in California (coldest will be about low 40's) and protect from coyotes.

We had heavy rain in past week and was going to put her in the garage at night but I didn't since she looked comfortable in her house. 

Very next morning, I found her on the lawn bled from her mouth and passed. 

I've been blaming myself that I didn't put her in the garage. If I did that, maybe she is still here. I feel she died because of me. 

She deserved better. She was very sweet cat.  Always felt bad that she was outside watching me sitting on the couch. She wanted to come inside.

 

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know this won't make you feel much better, but most outdoor cats don't live even that long (statistically) and so by creating safe places like her house and the garage you probably added many years to her life.

Also... It doesn't sound like you know quite how old she was either so it just may have been her time. Anyway, that doesn't change your loss and my heart goes out to you, it's really painful. Try to remember the good you did. We all feel guilty but we do the best we can. 

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missing_my_friend
18 minutes ago, AJWCat said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I know this won't make you feel much better, but most outdoor cats don't live even that long (statistically) and so by creating safe places like her house and the garage you probably added many years to her life.

Also... It doesn't sound like you know quite how old she was either so it just may have been her time. Anyway, that doesn't change your loss and my heart goes out to you, it's really painful. Try to remember the good you did. We all feel guilty but we do the best we can. 

Thank you and I appreciate so much for your kind words. I'm just overwhelmed with guilty feeling about my cat I named "Mama". She has companion cat, who I believe her daughter always comes around and hang out with her. Her daughter will stay most of the day time with her but never over night.  

Daughter still come by every morning and evening during their meal time. She will look around and meow few times, eat and leave.

She looks just like Mama and I hope she'll stay but she doesn't.

I just miss Mama so much. She is scheduled to be cremated by end of the day today and should come back home within this week. 

Because of the Covid situation, I won't be able to view her for the one last time. 

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Oh, that is tough. 

I know how much you miss sweet Mama. We know logically they won't live forever, but when they are gone, it's a major shock. Your loss is also very new and was so sudden. It's normal to feel this way and I promise it won't last, it just takes time to reach some kind of peace.

 

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missing_my_friend
18 hours ago, AJWCat said:

Oh, that is tough. 

I know how much you miss sweet Mama. We know logically they won't live forever, but when they are gone, it's a major shock. Your loss is also very new and was so sudden. It's normal to feel this way and I promise it won't last, it just takes time to reach some kind of peace.

 

@AJWCat, As she gotten older, I knew she'll be gone some day but not this soon.  It is painful to just think about her or look at the pictures. 

Its very sad to think that she finally gets come inside the house as cremated remain. I just wish I should've done more for her with so many regrets. 

As I stumble upon this grieving forum, I realized so many fur parents gone through such a heart aches.

I feel their pain and weird to say but comforting to know that there are people like me mourning loss of fur friend/child.

I hope Mama crossed rainbow bridge and met with my dad,  who is taking care of her until I meet them again. 

I saw on you lost your fur baby in 2017. I am so sorry for your loss

 

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I am so sorry, I loved an orange cat I called PeekaBoo because he/she always peeked at me around the corner, very feral but I fed it for a year and then it had to be put down because of it's health situation.  Someone let it in the house once and it literally climbed the walls!  It was frantic, extreme anxiety/fear!  Had a hard time getting it out but never tried that again!

You gave her a warm place to sleep and fed her, that's more than so many get, and I'm sure she loved you as much as you loved her.

I hope this brings you some comfort...
Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

 

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missing_my_friend
25 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, I loved an orange cat I called PeekaBoo because he/she always peeked at me around the corner, very feral but I fed it for a year and then it had to be put down because of it's health situation.  Someone let it in the house once and it literally climbed the walls!  It was frantic, extreme anxiety/fear!  Had a hard time getting it out but never tried that again!

You gave her a warm place to sleep and fed her, that's more than so many get, and I'm sure she loved you as much as you loved her.

I hope this brings you some comfort...
Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

 

Thank you @KayC for your kind words. My cat was orange too.

I just have way too many regrets with my cat Mama. 

In the past 10 years, I could've done more. She was wonderful sweet cat for past 10 years and I didn't do enough for her!!

I feel horrible and I wish I can go back to fix it but I can't anymore.

I should've taken her to vet for check up but I never did for past 10 years because of financial reasons. 10 years are long time. 

I have same regret with my father who passed away in 2015. He suffered brain hemorrhage and passed away. 

He lives over seas so I couldn't get there on time when he wasn't feeling well.  I blamed myself for that for past 6 years. 

Horrible thing is that my cat passed away in almost same manner as my dad. 

 

 

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missing_my_friend

I'm trying to think positive but I can't. 

Looking at Mama's picture and I miss her alot. 

I'm so sorry my angel for not doing my best for you. I don't know how to cope with loosing her.

I'm here at work and its my lunch time but I can't hardly eat. 

I haven't eaten much since she left. I just have tremendous guilt towards my sweet Mama. 

Please forgive me Mama. I am so sorry.

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23 hours ago, missing_my_friend said:

I should've taken her to vet for check up but I never did for past 10 years because of financial reasons. 10 years are long time. 

Yes, but if you read my cat's story (originally called Mama Kitty but shortened to Kitty when I got her) you will see, she didn't go to the vet either.  

 

See this:

 

 

21 hours ago, missing_my_friend said:

Please forgive me Mama. I am so sorry

She hears you, I believe, and with pets, their forgiveness is automatic...it's us that has the hard time with it. :wub2:

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

She hears you, I believe, and with pets, their forgiveness is automatic...it's us that has the hard time with it. :wub2:

I think that's true.  They certainly forgive us almost instantly if/when we do something "wrong" when they're alive.  It makes sense that their gentle, loving, innocent souls would forgive us now too.

I spent a lot of time going back over all the things that I thought I could/should have done better toward the ends of Charlie's and Penny's lives.  Why didn't I/we do this-or-that sooner; should not have whatever-it-was; and so on.  I think in some ways my feelings of guilt related to the fact that they can't always "tell" or "show" us what is wrong.

All I know with 100% certainty is that John and I loved them with every beat of our hearts.  For now, that will have to be enough.

@missing_my_friend  I believe that Mama hears you.  I have faith that she will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge.  And I believe that they all forgive us for being imperfect human beings who are not all-knowing or omnipotent.  You gave Mama a much better life than she likely would have had otherwise; you loved her very much.  In the end, love is what matters and Mama knows your heart.

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@foreverhis, THANK YOU so much for your kind words. I've been having such a difficult time since the day Mama passed (on Christmas Eve). I don't even have will to eat when I think of Mama. But your words gave some comfort to my broken heart.

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18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

All I know with 100% certainty is that John and I loved them with every beat of our hearts.  For now, that will have to be enough.

This.

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missing_my_friend

I went to pick up Mama's ashes this morning. She is on my desk at my work right now. I feel numb. The chubby fluff ball I remember is now in this small wooden box. I can't feel her soft hair. I can't hear her quiet purrs and meows. I miss her so very much. 

New Years Eve marked one week since Mama left. welcoming new year was especially tough. Felt horrible. 

I grew habit of looking at Mama's usual spot where she normally sit and talk to her. I hope she can hear me. 

Mama's companion cat (believe to be her daughter. They look almost identical) comes daily for meals but cries and looks at the distance every time she is in my yard. 

I wonder if she knows Mama isn't here any more. My heart breaks seeing her looking for her Mama.  

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I am so sad for you.  At least we know they are well where they are, it's us that are left suffering.  I remember two weeks after Arlie died I wanted to go dig him up so I could see his sweet face once again and kiss it...when my son heard that he sounded horrified over the phone!  He fearfully asked, "You didn't do that...did you??"  No, I know better, I know with my head what happens to decaying bodies, but the urge was so strong...

We miss them horribly, it's as simple as that, they have our hearts forever.  We DO adjust to their absence a bit in time, our bodies are amazingly resilient, but there's grief in our heart where they reside and we carry that with us.  It does settle down into a weight a little more tolerable...I'll take anything, even that.

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missing_my_friend
On 1/4/2022 at 7:43 AM, KayC said:

I remember two weeks after Arlie died I wanted to go dig him up so I could see his sweet face once again and kiss it...

I completely understand how you felt! I hope in time, I will be able to cope little better. I truly feel blessed to find this forum and other groups I've joined on Facebook. Everyone has been wonderful and supportive unlike some of my family and friends.  

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I'm so sorry your family/friends don't understand, not everyone loves their furry family  members like we do.  :wub:  You have us to listen...

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foreverhis
On 1/5/2022 at 10:23 AM, missing_my_friend said:

I completely understand how you felt! I hope in time, I will be able to cope little better. I truly feel blessed to find this forum and other groups I've joined on Facebook. Everyone has been wonderful and supportive unlike some of my family and friends.  

So true that many people do not, cannot, or will not understand the bond between us and our companion animals (aka family).  Maybe if I showed them pictures of my strong husband's face while he cradled the small red bundle of our kitten Penny the day after we brought her home and then a picture of him cradling her small body just the same way as she took her last breath nearly 18 years later, they'd understand.  Or maybe if they could have seen our sweet Keeshond Charlie as our vet tried to save him from a pulmonary embolism at nearly 15; John pacing and sobbing, me telling Charlie how much we love him as I held his head and stroked his ears while he struggled to breathe with the oxygen mask on.  Until I lost John, my grief for those two was the most painful and devastating of my life--and I had even lost my dad by then.  The deeper we love, the deeper our grief.  There's simply no way around that.  It's the "price" we pay for knowing that kind of love.

I guess they probably wouldn't get it because some people simply aren't open to that kind of love.

Time helps, though the loss and grief never fully go away, and talking about it with people who understand helps too.  I posted this elsewhere here recently, but it's a poem that I wrote the very day we came home without our Penny.  Rarely, poems just come to me out of the blue and complete; this is one of them. ((HUGS))

 

Still Here

Our world is still,  here.

A whispered sigh,

a quiet breath

and she is gone.

Her peaceful passing

leaves our lives in

heavy, shattered silence.

 

But stop; then you may

hear a quiet purr or

feel a gentle touch.

And you will know

she is still here.

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On 1/6/2022 at 3:25 PM, foreverhis said:

Time helps, though the loss and grief never fully go away, and talking about it with people who understand helps too.  I posted this elsewhere here recently, but it's a poem that I wrote the very day we came home without our Penny.  Rarely, poems just come to me out of the blue and complete; this is one of them. ((HUGS))

What a beautiful poem! Reading it brought me to tears. I miss my Mama so much but I know she comes to visit me often. I am so looking forward for her sign again. 

I am so grateful for the 10 years I had with her. Dirty stray cat that became my friend and family. 

Even though she wasn't allowed to come inside the house, we built her own "house" in back yard and we enjoyed time together. 

I go out to back yard everyday with her favorite treats (called "Churu". She LOVED it). Touch her house and pretend I'm giving her treats. 

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