We are here. You are here. It will get easier

[StillAlive]

I remember when my dad first died in January of 2020 after a 2 year battle with cancer. I have never felt that way. I have never been so hurt, so lost, so down. I want you to know. No matter how hard it feels, it will get easier. It will get easier to talk about. You will survive this. You can do it. No matter how hard it may seem.  It used to piss me off beyond belief when I would read or hear that from the people around me.  I lost my damn mind. I lost my happiness, I lost my life, I lost my ability to function.  Yet, here I am. Here you are. Surviving, waking up, each and every day. You can do this. We are out here. We have been there.  You take all the time you need. **** everyone else, focus on yourself. What do you feel, what do you need? I just wanted you to know, it is okay to not be okay and one day you might be, and even if you aren't right now, there is something on the horizon for you. Hang in there. About to celebrate my 2nd Christmas without my daddy, who also celebrated his birthday this time of year. He was my best friend and I miss the every loving **** out of him every single day, but I know I can do this. I can be here without him. There is so much more in this life for me, for all of us that have lost a mom and dad. Welcome to the adult orphans club, it sucks to be in, but we can do this. That is all. Hang in there. We are here and we know what you are going through. Be safe out there peeps. 

[nuvar]

As some may remember me, i am still grieving and taking care of my dad

There was a girl who helped me a lot during the past 2-3 yrs but I was unable to commit, disappointing her

We kind of "finalized" our break up today. I feel terrible about not treating her well, but happy that there is someone new in her life.

Today I went to the temple and talked to my mum........ I was really sad, I feel I've let so many people down and I cant repay these people incl my mum, dad and this girl

I am wondering, not sure how do I move on from here........ my place is in a mess and my life is in a mess. Im finding it hard to cope and grapple with the reality

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, Nuvar!  

I am unfamiliar with your story, but glad that you are here!  It sounds like you've lost your mother, finalized a relationship with a dear partner all while caretaking for your father (there's quite a bit going on there!)  This is going to sound weird, but I believe that you've been offered this time to sort your situation out; to grow and reflect.  Often, I here people say "You must love yourself to love others" and I find there to be truth in this.  When miserable (depressed), it's hard to really love, to find joy in things.  This time you've been given doesn't have to be filled with loneliness and regret.  None of us are perfect, but if we've truly made mistakes we can learn from them and grow to be better people.  There is light in darkness if we can muster the strength to find it. 

When you say that "I feel I've let so many people down and I can't repay these people..."  I think about love and what it means.  In your situation, it sounds as if your mother and partner loved you unconditionally.  What a precious, sincere, determined, true love this is!  (If you've felt this love before, consider yourself abundantly blessed!)  Unconditional love doesn't seek repayment; it is love that has understanding of shortcomings.  It is love that champions you on through wonderful times and provides understanding and support through tough times.  Remember, you can unconditionally love someone but perhaps not "love" what they may be doing or how they are acting.  (I'd compare it to a mother who has a drug addicted child.  Does the mother love the child?  Yes.  Does the mother "love" the drug addiction or the actions of her child?  No.  See has desire to see her child happy, healthy and functional!) If you've been loved unconditionally and been unable to love unconditionally back, then perhaps you feel as "repayment" is needed.  Perhaps the repayment you speak of is the desire to love deeper, with more focus and presence.  It's not to late to learn from your situation and make positive changes (if needed) in the future.  Maybe this time you've been given is to learn to love and find yourself.  If no one has told you this today, let me be the first.  You are worth loving, you are special, you are here for a reason.

I'm grateful that you had the chance to go to the temple to spiritually speak with your mother even though you were sad.  I can understand and relate to your sadness.  I believe that love transcends physical death.  Even though my parents have both passed away the unconditional love I felt from them through life carries me through tough days.  I hope you find the same.  

Take good care of yourself.  

 

 

 

 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello StillAlive!

Thank you for your post on this forum.  What a perfect time for your post as we struggle through the holidays without our loved ones.  I love the encouragement you radiate.  I find strength and hope in your words.  Thank you!

May you have a happy, healthy holiday season and new year.  

[StillAlive]

Wandering Soul, thank you for your kind words. I struggled myself through the holiday season as I am sure I will for years to come, but alas, a bit less than that first year without my father. It warms my heart to read your words. I hope your holiday season and new year was awesome!! Someday we will stop suffering from this pain, and rather live with it and be okay with that. 

[StillAlive]

Nuvar, 

It is okay if things are a mess. First, remember you don't owe anyone anything. Take time to focus on what you need, how you feel and know it is okay to just live in those feelings for a while. It is okay that you're not okay! (great book by author Megan Devin if you need some guidance on getting through tomorrow, I HIGHLY recommend this read). Focus on you, do not worry about what anyone else wants, needs, thinks. Take time for Nuvar and be kind to yourself. Life is a rough road, but you are worth it and as empty as it may feel to read, it will get better, it will get easier and you can do this. Keep reaching out, sharing your words, we are all out here and we understand, and even though we don't know you, we care. 

[Summersun]

Hey Nuvar, how are you doing these days? I read through a lot of your posts last night from 3 yrs ago and wandered how you are doing these days? Are you still here from time to time?

[suomursu]

My mom died June 15th after two years of pancreatic cancer.

 

Her death was in no way a surprise, but it still was and is a shock, and I feel lost. I have mourned her loss for two years, even before her death, when we got the diagnosis. I thought I would've processed all this already, but her funeral brought all the sadness and grief into surface again... I wasn't able to read the memorial card in the funeral, but broke down completely in front of all our family. I never thought it would still hurt so   much. The thoughts in my head are mostly "I'll never get to see her again" or "She will never call me again", but there's still some anger left from 2020, when I was very angry at the universe for wanting to take away my mom. She was only 52 when she died, and her life wasn't the easiest before the diagnosis either. She was finally in a good place mentally, and living her best life and so happy. And then the ground was taken underneath my family's feet.

 

It's a surreal feeling that she's dead. It's also a surreal feeling that all the worry, anticipatory grief and what-ifs are over now. Most  of the time I feel kind of okay, but other times I'm completely numb, or cry my eyes out. It doesn't have to be even  a significant trigger to get me crying.

 

I feel all this was so unfair, for the whole family. I'm 27 and my sister is 24. What kind of age is that to bury your parent?? Luckily we still have our dad, and if there's some silver lining to be found, it's that my relationship with him has become closer than in years.

 

I miss my mom already.