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Lost my sweet angel 32 hours ago


Alee

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I lost my sweet angel girl.  Unbearable grief.  Meme was a little over 16 years I think.  We chose each other 16 years ago.  That a little Jack Russell mix could bring about 5,900 days of pure joy from the day we met until 3 night ago was unexpected in such an amzing way.  She was a force to be reckoned with as a pup and we went everywhere together.  She was a rescue from Perfect Pet Rescue. A fitting name because she just that, perfect. Then she got old.  I didn't want her to suffer.  But she became my pandemic pal.  While working at my desk working remotely, I'd look up and she'd be on one chair than another then the couch so we spent all day everyday together.  The last month was really hard.  She looked as though she'd had it and the next day she would rally.  She was giving me one more perfect day after another until it wasn't.  I think that two nights ago she was saying her goodbye.  She was lying on me while I was reading and more relaxed than she'd been for quite a while.  She licked face a couple of times which was unusual in the last couple of years and was so peaceful.  I wish I had made a plan to take her to the vet that morning. but they day went quickly and the next night was kind of a repeat but not quite as peaceful.  She started to have trouble breathing.  When I tried to make an appointment at several different vet offices they were booked even for emergencies.  We had an appointment for 3:30pm but we had the real emergency at home.  I held her and told her it was ok she could go and she did, with more pain it seemed like than What I wanted but I held her.  The pain I feel is unlike anything I have ever felt before. It's relentless, all encompassing.  I feel like I'm in a tunnel.  I'm so grateful for everyday but the last day and right now I don't know how to more forward.  She's on every chair, couch and inch of the floor and i am so heartbroken.

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16 years for a dog is amazing, I was hoping for 14 with Arlie, but only got 11 1/2.  I'm glad you had her but danged if it doesn't kill us to lose them!  Even the quiet around the place is a reminder of their absence.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Do you know what got her?  Arlie's was cancer, I had him euthanized when his suffering got too great, I didn't want him to not be able to walk, eat, etc, it was bad enough, I prayed I would know when it was time and I think it was, even Arlie showed me that.

It seems so wrong that they'd turn away a true emergency, seems they'd stay late, squeeze her in somehow but it seems times have changed (I used to work for a doctor years ago, has that ever changed now!).

I'm glad you were with her and able to hold her, so important so she knew she wasn't alone in it.  :wub:

I hope this brings you thoughts of comfort and peace...
Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

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Thank you for your kind words.  I believe her actual cause of death was heart failure.  I try to concentrate on the night I belive she was saying goodbye. The mornings are evenings are so hard.  I read that in Buddhism their spirit remains on earth for 7 days after death, so I've been talking and writing to her letting her know everything I remember about our time together, that I had wished her transition would have been easier, but I did the best I could at the monent, and asked for her help me move forward, just a little bit right now.  I'm so sorry about Arlie. You seem to know the depth of grief in losing him.

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Oh my gosh.  As I sit here with my doggie friend on a chilly afternoon, my heart hurts so much for you.  My friend's (across the street neighbors too) dog comes to stay with me a few afternoons and early evenings each week.  It really started at the beginning of COVID because my friends were afraid that I would go backward, hard, in my grief over losing my husband just 18 months earlier.  They were right.  And yet, this 12 lb little bundle of love and play and, well, as you know, just everything has made it bearable.  Though our Keeshond Charlie, a mama's boy, will always have the number one spot in my heart, she is a close second.

What really touched me and spoke to me is that she too is a rescue, 11-12 years old, that they got when she was about 2-3.  She had been abandoned in a field--don't get me started on what I would like to do to people who could do that.  She is a Jack Russell-Parson terrier mix and I can so clearly picture your sweetheart.  The very thought of losing that unconditional love brings me to tears.

I wish there was something I could say to help, but having lost beloved furry family in the past, I know there is not.  Just know that everyone here understands the pain you are feeling and the deep grief of this loss.  (You know, it's funny, but I don't usually come to this forum.  I am on the Loss of a Partner one.  For some reason, I clicked on your thread today.  Maybe I was meant to be here to tell you that you are not alone.  I don't know; the universe is such a wondrous, mysterious place that perhaps the threads of love can sometimes reach through.)

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Oh thank you so much for responding. I am so grateful that you came to this forum today -really.- her name was Meme - kind of a joke that it was all about her but she was really all about me.  I miss her - Thank you so very much

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On 12/12/2021 at 8:11 AM, Alee said:

I try to concentrate on the night I belive she was saying goodbye.

Me too, with Kitty.  Arlie also definitely confirmed it was time...his best friend was Sammy, they used to play together nearly every day, until Sammy's owner got another dog and forbid us on his place.  It broke Arlie and Sammy's hearts.  Two days before Arlie was put to sleep, he indicated he wanted to go to Sammy's (I'd been taking him in the other direction as he wailed when we went by there. :( )  I walked him down there, slowly, stopping to let him rest.  I could have driven him but realized this is something he wanted, NEEDED to do on his own.  (I secretly dared Sammy's owner to kick us off again!)  Arlie went through the motions of playing with Sammy again, then hanging out together under the cedar tree as they had hundreds of times before.  We slowly made our way home, stopping for him to rest many times along the way.  That night he laid on the couch, eyes closed, smiling, all night.  He was ready to go.

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18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

She had been abandoned in a field--don't get me started on what I would like to do to people who could do that.

Oh, absolutely!  Yeah, I'd best not say more...

I am glad you had Meme in your life...and you her, although I know the pain is tremendous right now.

I found it helped to write about my Arlie and Kitty, it helps process our grief and immortalizes them in a way, I felt they needed to be known and not forgotten.

 

 

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Thank you KC - Grief comes in big waves - at times I think she's with me and reminding me to breathe ( I could be wrong about that but the thought of her helping right now is a comfort).  I have about 20 pages of everything I miss about her, everything I remember about her.  That does help.  I have a 3 second video that I took of her getting a treat in June and a selfie that I took with her a few days before she died.  The last reminds me that it was time. What a bundle of the purest love I've ever known.  The Jack Russell in her used to jump high in the air and she assumed that anyone standing there would catch her. What a trusting sweetheat.  Looking in her eyes told me she understood what I was saying to her (maybe not) but for sure what I was feeling and thinking.  It's interesting that I have people come to my office after expereincing loss and grief.  I understand it so much better now.  She helped me become a better psychologist. 

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This reminded me, right before Arlie died, my neighbor came over to try to get a paw print.  After inking his paw up he took off running across the house to get away, spreading ink everywhere in his wake!  It took me an hour to clean it up.  I tried myself, same thing.  Being dense, I tried one more time...the result being what I call "Paw print in motion!"  You can tell it's in movement, right before he escapes one more time.  It means the world to me, I have it on my refrigerator.  My son said, "Even when he was dying, he was making memories!"  Yes, my very memorable big boy, that I love with all my heart.  That was nearly 2 1/2 years ago.  We never get over them.

There is no doubt in my mind that she understood you on a level few humans can.  They make us their study and know what we're going to do and how we feel, and every little thing about us. They lend so much depth to our being, so much love, it's hard to put into words.

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KC - you are so right!  It's hard to put into words - when I wake up it's like day 4.  I've have'nt been without her by my side for almost 16 years, literally. And since Covid - working remotely I looked up see her all day long.  On of her favorite chairs is right across from my desk , like 4 feet away -  she'd sit there and look up at me.  Did everything remind you about Arlie?  It's pouring rain this morning and the first thing I though of is that she is definately going to hate going out this morning - heartbreaking every day isn't it?

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I am so sorry to read about your loss of Meme. Wow, 16 years, that is a long time.

I can imagine the excruciating pain you are in right now. (Been there.)

It's amazing all the rituals we develop over time and how for animal lovers like us, being with them permeates everything we do - all day long. Coming here and writing about the cat we lost (very suddenly and horribly) was one of the only things that kept me sane. Hang in there. We understand what you are going through. 

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On 12/12/2021 at 8:11 AM, Alee said:

  I try to concentrate on the night I belive she was saying goodbye. The mornings are evenings are so hard.  I read that in Buddhism their spirit remains on earth for 7 days after death, so I've been talking and writing to her letting her know everything I remember about our time together, that I had wished her transition would have been easier, but I did the best I could at the monent, and asked for her help me move forward, just a little bit right now. 

I think our beloved pets know that they need to say goodbye, that they are ready, for our sakes.  When our precious Penny (red tabby Persian; a daddy's girl through and through) was 18 she developed cancer.  We went through some treatments that helped a little, until they didn't.  One day we came to the painful decision that it was time to let our vet "lift her up" (I don't like "put down") the next morning so she could run free and wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge.  She seemed to sense that we were struggling.  I'm sure she was in pain, but she had been very calm and quiet all day.  I had been holding her and singing to her.  Then I put her in her daddy's arms.  She looked up at him, closed her eyes, and left us.  Along with losing our precious Keeshond 3 years earlier (age 15), it was the most painful time of our lives. 

I felt such guilt that we hadn't saved her.  I spent days reliving everything I thought I could/should have done better.  But you're right, we do the best we can in the moment and no amount of wishing can make it otherwise.

I don't know whether Buddhists are right and souls remain on earth for a time, but I do know that we felt her with us even after she had gone.  Actually, I wrote a poem about it after the first time we walked into the house without her.  It's rare for a poem to come to me "fully formed," but this one did and I just wrote it out at that moment.

 

Still Here

Our world is still, here.

A whispered sigh,

a quiet breath

and she is gone.

Her peaceful passing

leaves our lives in

heavy, shattered silence.

 

But stop; then you may

hear a quiet purr or

feel a gentle touch.

And you will know

she is still here.

 

I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now.  People who don't "get it" simply cannot understand how deep and lasting the love of a pet can be.

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Thank you -  for thinking of me.  Please know that when you first responded to me it was so incredibly.heartfelt. I knew that you understood the depth of the grief of losing a 16 pound little thing who loved with every cell in her little body.  I really do believe the universe or maybe Meme brought you to the pet grieving site.  I read your post over and over.  I'm not sure when it gets any easier but your words touched me in a way that was more meanigful than I can say,  With much garitude. 

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1 hour ago, Alee said:

I read your post over and over.  I'm not sure when it gets any easier but your words touched me in a way that was more meanigful than I can say,  With much garitude.

I hope I can help in some small way.  Who knows, maybe our fur babies led me here to try and be of comfort.  There is so much our human minds cannot understand about the wonders and mysteries of the universe that I wouldn't be surprised if that was true.

I have to be honest and tell you that after losing Charlie, Penny, and my sweet husband John, I'm not a fan of the word "easier."  But time does give perspective and helps us learn ways to carry our grief as part of our lives, rather than crushing us as it does at first.  It took a long time to really "feel" that difference.  It's many small steps forward, sometimes so gradual that I didn't realize it until I "looked back" on my journey.

One way that you may know you are moving forward (not moving on or getting over it--that doesn't happen) is when you are truly able to let all the good, happy, wonderful, silly, and comforting memories and images mix in with the painful ones you are seeing and feeling now.  I'm not sure when that happened with Charlie or Penny because I had John by my side grieving with me.  With Charlie, Penny was right there comforting us, even as she also grieved the loss of her "big brother."  It's such a myth that cats and dogs can't get along.  He was the protective big brother and she was the mischievous, sassy baby sister. 

I can tell you that with John it happened, in fact still is happening, very slowly starting maybe 18 months after I lost him.  But even during those first 18 months I felt and saw glimmers of light and hope.  In time I was able to reach for them and hang on to small bits of joy that came my way.  I wish I could say that it's an easy journey, but it isn't.  The thing is that when you are here, you will never be alone.  You will be with members who understand in ways that others cannot or will not.

Yes, losing John was the hardest and worst thing that has ever happened to me (and him and our family, obviously), but losing Charlie and Penny were also devastatingly painful journeys.  Don't let anyone ever tell you that your grief is "less than" because you are not grieving a human.  In my book, most animals are more human than most humans seem to be these day. 

((HUGS)) and comfort from me to you, even though virtual, I hope you can feel that.

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I never lost a partner so I can't even fathom the kind of pain of losing John.   And while my heart is still broken 5 days and counting I do think that ultimately packing up her toys and things can't be comparable to packing things of a beloved husband -  that's not downplaying what I'm feeling. And I wholeheatedly agree that most animals are by far more human and humane than most humans are.  I take solace in the fact that you've been here. I heard the first "well you knew it was going to happen" today - I kind of felt bad for that person because they have obviouly never undrestood that kind of love and devotion.Big Hugs back to you

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22 hours ago, Alee said:

Did everything remind you about Arlie?

Oh yes...esp. the empty spots where he used to lay.  And not getting up at 4 am to cook for him...it triggered me for a long time.  The worst was walking without him, so I started walking my neighbor's dog but he caused severe hand injuries, which led to a botched surgery, severe loss of strength and continual pain, it altered my life considerably.  I had considered adopting the dog when they offered him to me but of course couldn't after that (I walked him for ten months).  Now I'm heartbroken when I go by and see him looking sadly at me...

8 hours ago, Alee said:

I heard the first "well you knew it was going to happen" today

I learned to retort, "Inappropriate comment."  Then explain why.  Not that they get it even then, some people are obtuse, but I try to use their idiocy for a teachable moment.  I've learned to be bold with all my losses.  I'm sorry you were subjected to that.  You can't prepare for losing them.  You can't prepare for the finality.

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Yeah the "well you knew it was going to happen" is true for everyone, obviously we know we will lose  many pets and people around us until someday it's us. That does not make it any easier. 

Logic does not matter. Mental clarity around death... knowing it happens, we all get it and yet... nothing prepares you for their absence.   

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On 12/14/2021 at 8:29 PM, Alee said:

And while my heart is still broken 5 days and counting I do think that ultimately packing up her toys and things can't be comparable to packing things of a beloved husband

You're right, of course.  But here's one thing I learned intuitively in my late 30s and know 100% for sure now:  The worst grief, pain, and loss for each of us will always be our own.  That's as it should be.  You are going through a loss no less devastating to you than losing John has been to me.  Different, of course, but that's not the same thing as comparing.

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4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

You are going through a loss no less devastating to you than losing John has been to me.

Exactly.  We can't compare losses, to you it may very well seem just as hard, it all depends on the relationship/quality/depth of love and interaction.  We can leave their things sit forever or get rid of them right away, it's all in what brings us comfort/pain.  Arlie's coat is on my chair and there it'll sit forever, I'm sure.  Some things around are a tribute to him, whereas some toys I passed on to other big dogs, all up to us and no seeming rhyme or reason to it.

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You're right - last week was the last night I spent with her - last morning I felt almost functional for a few hours - this morning feels like the day she died and the day after - I feel like I don't make any sense. Thanks for checking in you  are really special to me.  When I see patients that are hurting and they tell me that they know other people have it worse than them I tell them that their problem is the worst problem so yeah - you're right about that

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On 12/16/2021 at 3:19 PM, Alee said:

Wondering at what point do you stop looking at the clock

Time becomes a strangely fluid concept.  There are still days where it seems as if I lost John just now and other days where it feels as if I lost him forever ago, as if our 35 years together was a movie I once saw or a book I once read.

I think that's partly why at first you will have a few "good" hours where you can function and your every breath isn't caught up in the pain, but then suddenly everything will come slamming back as if you just held her a moment ago. 

When you stop looking at the clock will be unique to you, so there really isn't a good answer.  But it does happen over time (no pun intended).

On 12/16/2021 at 6:59 AM, Alee said:

When I see patients that are hurting and they tell me that they know other people have it worse than them I tell them that their problem is the worst problem so yeah - you're right about that

This reminds me of my sister during the worst of COVID in 2020.  We had been in SAH orders for a few months and people were struggling.  I was talking to my sister and she said she'd been feeling really down about all the things she and her husband couldn't do, about having to cancel plans and plans to visit, about not being able to be "normal."  She'd been worrying and stressing over everything.  Then she said something like, "But I don't think I really deserve to feel this way.  My husband's job simply moved to working at home.  My job is flexible and I can go to my studio alone any time (she's an accountant and a professional artist).  We aren't affected financially.  We have a decent home, a loving dog, a great marriage, and good weather.  Our families are safe so far; we call and zoom with family and friends.  So many people are struggling so hard or have no job or are losing their homes that I just don't feel like my problems should matter."  I told her exactly what you've told patients:  That it's not a contest where only the person who has it "worst" is allowed to feel down or sad.  I pointed out that her struggle in dealing with COVID was every bit as valid as mine or anyone else's.  Different, sure, but not "lesser."

And so it is with grief.  To me, losing John will always be the worst thing in the world.  But that doesn't invalidate your grief, loss, and pain over losing Meme in any way.  Your grief is not "lesser"; it is yours.

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On 12/16/2021 at 6:59 AM, Alee said:

I feel like I don't make any sense.

Oh you do, believe me, we understand.  :wub:

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I told her exactly what you've told patients:  That it's not a contest where only the person who has it "worst" is allowed to feel down or sad.  I pointed out that her struggle in dealing with COVID was every bit as valid as mine or anyone else's.  Different, sure, but not "lesser."

Exactly.  

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Wondering does it ever get easier to take a deep breath and stop looking at the clock- counting the hours she's been gone?   It's really hard to care about mcu right now - 

 

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For me it was often two steps forward, one step back. There is the saying in recovery, one day at a time.

In grief sometimes it is one moment at a time. It's all you can do to survive that moment of grief. I counted everything after we lost our cat. How many hours, then days, then how many Saturdays, then there are the firsts (fill in the blank), rainy day, cold day, hot day, holiday... I remember after around 14 days, thinking I had never gone that long without holding him as even the longest trip away was about 2 weeks. That was heartbreaking realization. 

Doe snot seem like it but it will get easier, it just takes time. It's all time. 

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On 12/16/2021 at 6:46 PM, Alee said:

I hope you know how meaningful you are to me at this point in time :- Hard to believe that Meme didn't send you -  

Well, we don't know how the next life, next world works or what heaven might be like.  Who knows, maybe your Meme found our Penny and they decided you needed comfort from someone still here on earth.  What I do know is that I get comfort from believing that Charlie and Penny were waiting for John at the Rainbow Bridge and that they had a joyous and loving reunion.  I don't know if I'm right, but that doesn't matter.  It's an act of faith (not religion; pure faith).

@AJWCat  That is beautifully and honestly stated.  It has certainly been true for me with John and with our sweet fur babies.

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That's the truth - I seem to unconsciously look at the clock at 3:00 - she was really stuggling - I call 3 vet hospitals and none could take her until 4:00 which was too late - so I just held her telling her to let go.  I'm positive that she somehow gave me the strength to wrap her sweet body (I know her soul had left) not in a religous was, but it was just her body and take her to the vet.  They kept asking if I wanted more time with her, or her ashes, or footprints.  It wasn't the cost of all that - it just wasn't her.  I'm a believer in keeping ashes, although I'm sure it's a comfort to some people.  It's kind of  weird but at about that time 3:00 something There are cloud behind some trees that I see from where I'm sitting and if I stare at it I kind of see an image of a dog face - maybe- If there is anything to the Budddist philosphy  that their soul stays for 8 days I think then she left and I really do hope she's with your family.   

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I am with you. We lost our Angel unexpectedly on Thursday night. The pain we feel is great. Were suffering and our hearts broken. Its unfair, especially so close to Christmas. Our Christmas is ruined, without our Angel who loves getting gifts. Were upset with God , why now? We did not see this coming so soon. It was devastating.  I am praying for you, please pray for us.  I hope your pain and suffering eases very soon. I know, its going to be a long time before we get rid of some of this pain. We will never be over losing them. They want us happy, so we have to do our best to make them happy and not stress over us. Its so hard. I talk to Francis letting him know , how proud I am of him. How I'm hurting , and more. I will always keep him close in my heart and mind. One day when I leave this earth. I will be with him, and my other Angels who passed years ago. 

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@Anthony2021  Your Francis is absolutely precious.  I'm so sorry, though I know words tend to ring hollow right now.  But I truly am.  I know what it is to lose a fur baby unexpectedly.  Our Charlie died of a pulmonary embolism.  He was nearly 15 and had survived intestinal cancer 6 years earlier (thanks to a wonderful specialist) and our vet had gotten him into a successful trial of non-surgical treatment for parathyroid cancer 2-1/2 years before.  In fact, he's "Dog 6" in the published article of the trial results. 

He had gotten slower and quieter, but was still as loving, wonderful, funny, and faithful as ever.  Then one day he went out to pee and my husband went out in the yard too.  The next minute, John was carrying him in saying something was wrong.  I called the vet (on Saturday; thank goodness they were having a shot clinic that day) and held him as we rushed over.  Our vet did everything she could, while I held his head and told him we were there with him.  John and I both absolutely lost it when the vet said there was nothing more to be done.  We were with him as he took his last breath.  We had lost my dad just 6 months earlier, so telling my mom added another level to her grief.  Our grief never went away completely, but time and the comfort of others softened it so that I can remember everything wonderful about our sweet boy.  I can talk about the wonderful years we were blessed to have with him.  And all the silly stories, like the first time we took him up to snow and he greeted it by rolling around and trying to "capture" it while letting the flakes fall onto his long, beautiful coat, smiling the whole time as if saying, "Look at me, dad and mom!  Look what I found!"

No, you will never "get over it" or "move on," but eventually you will be able to move forward, carrying both your love and your grief with you.  Of course they want us to be happy, but they also know that it is impossible for quite some time.  (When I say "they" I mean pets and human family alike.  Our pets are not "just" pets; they are family.  They have minds, hearts, and souls.  They feel and they understand.)  Let your wife comfort you as you will comfort her.  It helps.  My John was with me for both Charlie and our sweet red tabby Persian Penny.  It helped ease our hearts to know that we understood each other so completely.  He was unashamed to cry while we held each other.

You have every right to be upset/angry with God.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  IMO, a loving God can take our anger and pain every bit as much as our love and faith.  I certainly don't "blame" God for my losses, but I am still sometimes peeved (insert other less polite word) about it.  Of course we will pray for you.  We will also be here to listen, to comfort if we can, because we understand in ways that some others cannot or will not.

I believe as a complete act of faith that the Rainbow Bridge exists.  Maybe not as we envision it, but it's there.  Our special pet family will be there waiting for us, healthy and strong again, ready for new adventures in whatever lies beyond this world in the wondrous, glorious, mysterious universe of ours.  It will give you scant comfort now, but I'm glad that you are trying to think that way.

I read your new thread and know that other members will be along soon, many who have had fur family losses far more recent than mine.  You and your wife are not alone; you will never be alone when you are here.

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Thank you ,for such a comforting message. I am so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for reaching out. We had somewhat similar experiences.  

It was  another difficult night sleep, hoping to feel his presence.  Wanting to hug , hold, kiss him one more time. The pain is great. I can't function. 

I know time makes all better. It kills me, to realize over time he will be a beautiful memory. That he physically,  will never be here again. Its a cruel, rotten joke God picked this time frame to take my Angel from us. Christmas is ruined. Trying to make sense of this timing. Why he could not have waited to take him until after Christmas.  Why now? I'm so upset.

There are many losing pets now, and family. My wife lost her father 5 months ago. My Mother in law is a total mess now. She loved Francis. Francis loved her. Especially loved the surprises she brought him on every visit. Christmas was a happy time for Francis, although we made it feel like Christmas year round. Every time packages arrived from Chewy there was always a toy in there. Francis would always walk out and know.

The excitement in his beautiful body as we walked to get the package, then the walk back so much fun. To the moment we opened the package and he saw his toy. My God I am going to miss that. Tears rolling down my face as I write this. My mind is scrambled. I don't know if what I'm writing makes sense. I can't function,  process things normally at this time. Its so quiet here. The most beautiful Angel was taken from us at time were supposed to be happy and excited. That has all been destroyed. Trying to make sense of how God works, why he does things like this. Why our world is so lost, out of control. I blame the sins of man for all this.

I feel this is some sort of punishment from God taking my Angel. I feel sick. So upset. We had the most beautiful loving Angel . We had no clue he would just pass away so suddenly like this. His body lifted up as his soul departed, I ran over to hold him. My God if anything is beautiful about this. The way he passed. He never .are a noise.

He was quiet, and sitting next to my wife one minute fine looking better than last hour. They his body lifted up in the most amazing way. I never saw anything like this before. I got to him and his body was lifeless. I blew air into him. It seemed to do something for a second a little response. Then nothing.

 

My heart broke, and was destroyed at that moment. I whispered Francis if you must go its ok buddy. I love you. I held strong and got him to Emergency room ASAP. My wife's cries that moment killed me. She suffers from MS. She has had a rough year. She battled cancer. Francis loved her so. She told me right before he passed he kissed her softly. 

The pain is severe  , especially it being Christmas time. I dread Christmas day. I dread this week. I am so mad at God. This was unnecessary to take him this time of year. To rob Francis of the joy he would have had. The joy we would have had. I pray often, I believe in God. I know were not to question his reasons. But seriously,  make sense of this.

The time, the way it happened.  We had no clue he was so sick. He was awesome, looking amazing the last few months. Especially as old as he was. Approx 14. We got him as a rescue. My God the stories I could tell you. The blessings he gave so many. I know as our pets arrived into Heaven they were all met with a standing ovation ,of job well done. 

Have a wonderful Holiday Season

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16 hours ago, Alee said:

Wondering does it ever get easier to take a deep breath and stop looking at the clock- counting the hours she's been gone?

Yes but it takes much time, it's a process, it's hard for us to take it in and the timetable will be different for everyone.  As Annie (foreverhis) said, it's like 3 steps forward, 2 steps backward.  It takes what it takes for this to settle into a dull ache, and finally one day thoughts of her will bring a smile instead of tears, between now and then might be a mixture of both along the way.:wub2:

35 minutes ago, Anthony2021 said:

It kills me, to realize over time he will be a beautiful memory. That he physically,  will never be here again.

(((hugs)))

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Praying for you too Anthony - really understand the pain of it - I kind of hope my amgel will ne a beautiful memory - right know it's killing me too.                           ((hugs)) to you

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I'm sure when our Angelsvarrived in Heaven.  They got a standing ovation for a job well done. The magical, beautiful memories they leave with us. The life lessons they taught us. Will make us better people in many ways going forward. They help us learn how God wants us all to be. For those who are open and allow the wonderful messages they bring. Unconditional love, devotion,  caring, so loving even when they may not be feeling well. They never complain, all they ask is to be loved, cared for , for nothing in return. My heart is so broken. I feel great pain. If we lived like our Angels we would be in a Heavenly place. How wonderful that would be. So I work toward this so I make sure I , we are reunited in the end as God would so love. The power of true love for another , nothing more powerful in the end. So many never think about our souls . How many will clean a car daily. Get the best haircuts, material things.  But never clean their souls. By changing bad sinful ways to loving Godly ways. I think of this often through my life watching life in action. For me having a clean soul is so more important than anything on this earth. In the end that's what leaves this place we live on Earth. Our bodies diseased, and unwell stay behind. These bodies are temporary home for our souls. I'm sorry for being so deep. Its not fun for me at all. But many beautiful things come from being aware and open. My beautiful Angel left us at such a difficult time. I'm very upset as to why it had to be now. Especially a week before Christmas. It was so unexpected,  so not prepared, so instant. That life can end in a flash without any warning. Tells us to stop slow down. Forget all the things that consume us. Enjoy each other in love. Put the devices down, turn TV off. Go into nature, breath, be open. Allow God to work through his Angels. Give animals the respect. They will return to us the most powerful beautiful messages. But none more important than the lesson of true Unconditional love. That is how we should all be in this world. Unfortunately many would rather to things that are wrong, as its more exciting. Instead of doing good, the things that God put down for laws of this land. Which today mans laws over ride. I'm sorry, I'm so deep in thought. Really should keep this to myself. I'm just so broken. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain your feeling. Were together along with others , one family grieving our  Angels. Moments like these powerful messages of love shine. I know what things are said to us at this time don't fully help. But its comforting to know I. Not alone, were not alone grieving.  Its a love from this beautiful Universe where our energies find each other to comfort and console. Our Angels are with us in this. They in the end taught us how powerful true love is. May the love in this Universe surround you, find you, hold you. Thank you for your message . It truly helps me. 

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It's a really really bad time to have such a painful loss, no doubt. I remember when our cat died one week after my birthday... later I was actually grateful it was not on my birthday. 

I wrote about my feelings so much on this site. I was also incredibly angry too. My cat suffered greatly in his last two hours on Earth. Not fair.  

Without writing it out, I would have gone insane with grief.  

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I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Its truly unfair. Trying to make sense of all this. So many going through it with us at the same time. The pain is deep, my heart broken. It does not matter to me that in time I will recover some. I so loved this Angel. His face says it all. We all never fully recover. We just move forward with our Angels in our heart and beautiful memories. What makes this worse. My wife lost her father just a few months ago. We moved to Florida to help and be there for them. Then God took our Angel. I just am so mad at him for doing it at the worst possible time. This was so unexpected.  Bless you, I pray for you to hold strong. One day we shall all see our Angels. True love never parts. Its for eternity. I always told my Angel that . Thank you for reaching out. It helps greatly.  

 

Happy Holidays to you

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4 hours ago, Anthony2021 said:

The magical, beautiful memories they leave with us. The life lessons they taught us. Will make us better people in many ways going forward.

100%.  I am a better person than I would have been without our Charlie and Penny.  We've had other pets, well loved, but sometimes a special one comes along, a "soulmate," whose very life makes us want to seek better lives too, to be better versions of ourselves.  I miss them still and all the more for having lost John 3 years ago.

I have to say that your Francis has such soulful eyes.  You can see the heart and love and spirit in them.  He was clearly precious and special.  It's hard to fathom now, but he was a gift that not everyone finds or understands.  When we love deeply, we grieve deeply.  That's the risk.  I believe it's worth it and would jump in again with all my heart, even knowing how much I'd be hurting now.  That kind of love is beyond measure.

There's no easy way through this grief, but being here has helped me find my way forward carrying both my grief and my love.  For now, just breathe, get out of bed and get dressed (very important IMO), and only do the things that must be done.  Let yourself grieve with no guilt whatsoever.

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So beautiful,  so well said. Yes , his eyes were soooooo beautiful,  and powerful. The night before he passed. He ran to me as I sat on the exact spot on the sofa he would pass on from. He sat in front of me and stared deeply into my eyes. He sat there focused, and sending me a message. I asked him what are you trying to tell me. He stared harder into me. I had a feeling it was something to do with how long he would be here. I just told him I understand. But my God, I never would have believed it was the next day. I will never forget his eyes, his message. The last two weeks he was overly close, more than ever before. We had no clue this was going to happen. He was doing so good. He looked amazing. Played, loved us, kissed us a lot. If you had a phone in your hand he pushed it out. That is something for all to hear. The message I got from him pushing the phone, or tablet away. He disliked devices. He made sure you spent quality time . Everyone needs to hear that message today. Put technology down, turn TV off spend quality time with loved ones. Francis was a beautiful gift. He absolutely had more human in him. He was awesome. His eyes were amazing to look in. The love and happiness he gave to all was just so Godly. The way God would want us all to be. Well all our pets are that way. They are here for a short visit to teach. Those who respect them and open themselves to them will be rewarded over and over. Our pain is great. We miss him terribly.  My heart is so broken. This was so unexpected. Thank you, you made my heart smile. You so get it. I can feel that in you.

 

Happy Holidays to you

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1 hour ago, Anthony2021 said:

The love and happiness he gave to all was just so Godly. The way God would want us all to be. Well all our pets are that way.

Some people point out that dog is god spelled backward and believe that dogs were created last to be living reminders of the joys of this life and beyond.  There's a certain symmetry to that that I find very appealing.

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Oh I believe that wholeheartedly -  I think that if an inkling of the kindness shown/felt among this group could permeate to the world maybe it wouldn't be such a mess.  Or maybe it is that we were given and gave so much love from our beloved pets that makes this unique - I'm rambling these days and feel so much older than a month ago - grief fatigue?

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2 hours ago, Alee said:

I'm rambling these days and feel so much older than a month ago - grief fatigue?

Yes, absolutely.  Fatigue, confusion, and even physical pain are all manifestations as part of deep grief.  Interesting that you mention feeling suddenly older/  I did too after John died.  It wasn't just that I'd spent well over a year helping him through his cancer and ignoring most of my own needs.  It was also that I felt as if my spirit left with him and that I'd aged 10 years overnight.  I'd look in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that sad, lonely woman who seems to be a million years old?"  I still do sometimes, truth be told.

Because most of our societies suck at even acknowledging, much less understanding, grief, we often don't find the support and comfort we need.  I think that makes all the other parts of grief harder.  I know I am incredibly lucky to have a small, loyal, and loving circle of friends and family locally and at some distance.  Even so, there have been so many times when I felt all alone even in a room full of people who love me and John.  Grief has a way of disorienting us from time in general and from who we were "before."

These forums, specifically the Loss of a Partner forum for me, have been a real grace in my life.  Everyone here understands.  As much as the people who love me want to fully "get it," they know they can't because they haven't been through it.  So it is with any deep loss:  You have to experience it to understand it.

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That does normalize what I'm feeling.  I have a close friend in Washington that checks in regularly by text - just not ready to talk about it out loud - I saw  neighbor today who had know Meme since she was young Meme was particularly fond of her husband - the Jack Russell in her would literally jump in the air and assume someone would catch her, trusting soul that she it, and nobody ever failed to catch her.  So it was hard to say it out loud.  My nieghbor is a good person - and I believe she felt bad during a brief exchange. Frankly I wouldn't have wanted to go into any detail but it was like they were just going on with their Christmas thing or whatever they were doing.    It's not suprising in grief to really feel alone as you've said.  I did one positive thing I think - my father is living in Palm Springs and in his 90's (knocking on wood as I say he's pretty healthy)  was expecting to go up they for new years - he and some cousins made a dinner plan - ( He informed me of that 2 days after I told hime about Meme) and continued to tell me that now I'd be able to stay at their house now that I was dog free) The're really decent  people but  not dog people.  Sounds kind of like a contradiction in a way. All I thought about was - I cannot fake being ok or interested in anyone or anything - so I told him that Dec 31 is essentially no diffenent that January 3, 6. etc - I just can't .   as an aside I wish I spent more time working on saying no when I was in my own therapy

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I'm glad you all believe too, it helps so much, we'll be with them again.  I can only imagine your pain as I've felt it too...

I just posted this to someone on my other grief site, she is really having a hard time with her loss...
 

31 minutes ago, kayc said:

Don't feel foolish.  I still have my Arlie's coat hanging on my chair, his bed behind the couch (he had like a den back there), and his leash and collar, both retired and hanging by the door.  I have his lock of fur, the sympathy cards I got, his medical report, and the Memories I wrote, all by my bedroom door.  It was over a year before I could take the sympathy cards down from my dining room table.  I have his paw print on my refrigerator.  They can stay their forever.  I will never stop loving and missing him.  I still fill his water bowl for his giant doghouse.  As if he's coming back...I want him to know he's still welcome here, he lives on in my heart.  And I have another dog I love with all my heart, but still I mourn my Arlie.  I wish they could have known each other.  My heart hurts because he never rode in the car I have now.

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Some days start even sadder than others - woke up and expected to see a warm little body and a cold nose next to me.  And it took a second to remember.  Some days feel literally impossible.  

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2 hours ago, Alee said:

woke up and expected to see a warm little body and a cold nose next to me.  And it took a second to remember.

As far as I can tell, this is really common.  For a very long time, John and I felt the same way about our Charlie and Penny.  And to this day, I still have mornings where, in that moment between sleep and waking, I expect John's warm body to be next to me.  It's not denial; it's that our hearts sometimes forget.

I'm so sorry.  It does seem impossible at times.

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Yes - it really does.  Yesterday I had an online patient that was holding her dog for the the whole hour - he about about the same size ans Meme - she was holding him that same way I used to hold her - I literally have zero idea of what we talked about - It's all so exhausting. But really thank you for being there - you cannot have any idea of how to touched me the first time - that you happened to go to this group - and how you continue to do so.  There  have many supportive people that I've been lucky to have met - but you really are a uniquely special person. Thank you

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I'm sorry, it's the absence of those daily interactions that really seem to slam us to the core.  You're in my thoughts, I wish there was a way to bypass the super pangs of early grief but alas I've learned there's no way around it, just straight through it.  :(

 

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