Being told to have an “open heart”

[Xyz]

My boyfriend passed away suddenly in a tragic accident. This is the 5th week without him. I’ve already been told so many times to open my heart to what the world has in store for the rest of my life. But I feel such resistance and disgust when I hear this. The life I wanted - I had - was right there. It was ripped away from me. I don’t want to be open to new experiences, I just want to go back in time.

This phrase is often just used generally (I.e “you never know what opportunities lie ahead”), but sometimes there is a connotation of a new love associated with it. This is likely because I’m only 30, and many people in my life still want me to be open to becoming a mother. The thought of letting anyone else into my heart in that way literally disgusts me. I had the love of my life already, and I don’t want to let anyone else near me again.

[Jennifer Uren]

I lost my fiancé 2 weeks ago. I’m sick at the thought that we don’t get to live the life we planned. He loved me in a way that I’ve never been loved and never will,

[catcat]

I'm sorry for your loss, and that it was so sudden..

I understand how you feel, in a way, of course we all feel what we feel. I'm 34 with no children, and my love passed on the 9th of oct. Everyone is saying the same thing, "you'll find someone else." "There are more people out there." "God will send you another man" It's rather insensitive for people to say things like that.. And when you really feel they were the one, you truly loved them, for people to think they are just replaceable.. I don't understand how some peoples minds work.

Obviously they mean well, but are hurting rather than helping.

The thought of letting someone else in disgusts me too, but at the same time when I got together with my love I was never looking for a relationship, it just happened. I never want anyone else in my life after him.



 

[Carol34]

First of all, my heart aches for all three of you.  I'm 63, and my sweet husband was 60.  Like you, we had plans ahead.  I have already retired, and he planned to retire at 62.  We had big plans for that next part of our lives.  And now it won't happen.  I'm twice your age, but people say the same things to me that they say to you.  I get, "you're still young enough to find someone."  Possibly true, but I don't want "someone".  I want Paul!  I want the life we planned!  Someone told me the other day that I could still travel if I wanted to, and go to all the places we planned to go.  I can't think of anything sadder! 

My grief is as raw as all of yours, as I lost the love of my life on October 7th.  So I won't give you advice.  But I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Xyz said:

My boyfriend passed away suddenly in a tragic accident. This is the 5th week without him. I’ve already been told so many times to open my heart to what the world has in store for the rest of my life. But I feel such resistance and disgust when I hear this. The life I wanted - I had - was right there. It was ripped away from me. I don’t want to be open to new experiences, I just want to go back in time.

This phrase is often just used generally (I.e “you never know what opportunities lie ahead”), but sometimes there is a connotation of a new love associated with it. This is likely because I’m only 30, and many people in my life still want me to be open to becoming a mother. The thought of letting anyone else into my heart in that way literally disgusts me. I had the love of my life already, and I don’t want to let anyone else near me again.

OMG, this said by people who have not been through your loss, I presume!  Or if they have, they didn't experience with their partner what you lost the day yours died.  I am so sorry for your loss and for the inappropriate remarks people make.  Can add this to the list of well-intended but inappropriate "cliches" people say.    I think I'd just answer...not helpful, allow me my needed time to grieve and process this.  (Grr, can you avoid these people?)

Cliches - answers to
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

Welcome here, this is like a family of grievers, very caring people, we want to be here for you as you go through this.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[tnd]

On 12/6/2021 at 5:41 PM, Xyz said:

This is the 5th week without him. I’ve already been told so many times to open my heart to what the world has in store for the rest of my life. But I feel such resistance and disgust when I hear this.

Xyz:  I'm sorry for your loss and for all the cold, idiotic things you are going to hear out of the mouths of people who may as well be an amoeba under some science telescope in a 10th grade biology class. No really, we all hear these things. I'm sure people mean well but they often speak without any filters. They don't think first. And us? We're left with their words hurting just as much as any bloody injury. But we have to keep going. Do what you think is right for yourself, especially right now. You've suffered a great loss only 5 weeks ago. Too soon to make any decisions about the future. Focus on yourself and how you are feeling today. Think about tomorrow when it happens. Be kind to yourself. This is grief and we each get to grieve how we want and for however long we need to. It's your loss, your grief, not anyone else's. Everyone on this site is going through their own grief. We come on here to help each other through it but it's still our own grief.  

[Perro J]

Tomorrow is her birthday. It has been almost 17 months since I lost her. Through the pandemic, I've not had any real opportunities to meet anyone new and I am OK with that. Like you, I don't want anyone new. I want what I had.

Part of my resistance to the idea is that I am certain I would make comparisons between my lost love and anyone that attempted to step into that role now. That would simply not be fair to someone new.

Only a week after she died, I signed up again for the same online dating site I met her on. That sounds horrible now - but I was out of my mind at that time. I was only flailing around to try and fix the predicament I was in; the misery and pain of the loss. I got exactly zero matches. In hindsight, that is probably a good thing.

What I would offer as perspective is that I was divorced almost 5 years prior to meeting the woman I loved and lost. In the years prior to meeting her, I presumed my prospects for love were grim and yet I still found her. So I would say love in your life again is possible. In my case, I tend to think improbable. There are people who have been hit by lightning more than once. In a strange way, I can find a little comfort in telling myself it is possible even though it is improbable. That seems to be enough for me to get by.

It is also possible and I would even say probable that I won't find someone that I could feel about that way and also would love me in return like she did. I accept that in spite of the notion that life will then never be as good as it once was.

Someone wrote something on these forums a few months back that really stung me when I read it. It was a question posed something like "Would you surrender the time you had with her, erase it all, make it so it never happened, if that would erase the pain you are feeling now?" Honest to God, if that had been said to my face I would have slapped theirs. It hurt to face that thought. Yet over time, even though it hurt initially, I came to the now obvious conclusion that no, I would not surrender a moment. So maybe like the needle going in to inject the medicine, the shot hurts a little. Yet it delivers what we need to heal. Part of my rage has been softened by trying to feel gratitude for the time I did have with her.

I would have been ready for none of that at 5 weeks.

For awhile, you are simply going to need to endure this. What I can tell you is that the grief will soften. I can't tell you exactly how long it will take. Nor do I think think you should expect continual improvement. Expect to progress and regress and don't expect a predictable pattern. I think I shared this poem once before here - but I will share it again as it has helped me during some dark periods of my life. I hope you can frame the comments people are giving you in the spirit of this poem and I wish you all solace and peace in your grief journey.

You have to believe the buds will grow

believe in grass in the days of snow

That's the reason the bird can sing

On the darkest day he believes in Spring

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Perro J said:

no, I would not surrender a moment.

Me neither, Perro, but I have seen someone answer that in the affirmative.  Most would not, our time with them was the most treasured time of our life.

[Jemiga70]

@Perro J  Thanks for writing that.