Members Penbal Posted December 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Obsirius Posted December 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 I lost my husband a little over 2 months ago. I can't face the holidays, so I am trying to block them out. It doesn't work, they are everywhere. I look forward to January 2nd, when I'll have so many weeks and months to try to become human again. I miss him so much. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 6, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 Welcome here, both of you. @Penbal, it doesn't show you posted anything, perhaps you care to share your story. @Obsirius I'm glad you're here and hope you will continue to come here. We had a lot of discussion about this here, please view my links: I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted December 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 Welcome you're not alone. Exactly what I was thinking last night! Balled my eyes out for awhile. It's been two months for me as well. Thanksgiving was not good so hope to do better for Christmas. I could care less about New Years. Who wants to celebrate their first New Years without the love of their live! 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post randynose Posted December 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 @Penbal I hope you're doing ok. - I see that you posted a message topic, but didn't get a message written. - Sometimes using these forums is a bit confusing, and they don't do what we expect. I understand, as I've not been a fan of the Holidays for years. - Way to many expectations that things are "supposed" to be like this, or that. My wife spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospitals, and most of the time they were during the holidays, so I can't say that I'm missing out of any traditions for the first time. All I can say is that things aren't as bad as they were for me 5 months ago. I hope you have some friends and family to talk to, or be with. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Obsirius Posted December 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 6, 2021 Back in the 80s, I lost both my parents within a year of each other. both just before the holidays. A dear friend of mine insisted that I come for Christmas Eve and spend the night. It was so wonderful of her to do that, but going there was a huge mistake. It was not "my" Christmas, it was filled with someone else's traditions, and it all hurt. I wished I had never gone. In hindsight, I don't know if it would have been better to sit at home alone or not. Each of us will see this through their own lens. I'm just throwing this out there so everyone can be aware that this may be a pitfall for you as it was for me. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 7, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 7, 2021 @Obsirius you're right, sometimes there IS no "solution" as no matter what we do, it's not going to be the same. I wanted to go see my granddaughter in the Nutcracker this weekend but alas snow is coming and it's a long ways, I cannot be gone 8+ hours with my puppy during snow as I may not make it home, so will have to stay home. I'm developing a "What will be, will be" attitude, including doctors that put me off until snow is upon me...there's a reason I try not to schedule in the winter time! Alas with Covid everyone pushes everything out until we can't count of being able to do it. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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