Struggling

[WendyWoo]

I’m new to this and am reaching out for guidance. I lost my husband a little over a year ago and I’m having a really difficult time. The holidays are really hitting me hard. I think I was still somewhat in shock last year so I was able to press forward.  This year feels especially hard because reality has set in. My heart is so heavy right now. Sometimes I feel like this sadness will never subside.  

[annie123]

Wendy, I feel the same way.  I lost my husband 14 months ago.  This year the holidays seem tougher to deal with.  I feel like I haven't stopped crying since Thanksgiving.  I just want it to be January 2nd already.  I am really hurting.  So sorry for your loss and pain.  Virtual Hugs to you!!!

[WendyWoo]

Oh Annie!  My heart aches for you. I feel exactly the same way. I look back on last year and it all seems like a blur or a fog.  This year the pain is crystal clear. I find myself crying all the time too. I’m a teacher, so I try to hold it together at school. But some days it’s even hard there. I look around and all I feel is sad. Nothing about the holidays bring me joy. It’s just another reminder that Dan isn’t here with me. How are we supposed to keep doing this?  It’s gut wrenching.  I have to keep going for the sake of my kids. But I’d rather take down the tree and pretend like nothing is going on. I wish I could take your pain away because I know what your feeling. I’m sending you many many hugs. ❤️

[annie123]

Thank you Wendy, my heart breaks for you as well.  

 

[Michael M]

1 hour ago, WendyWoo said:

Oh Annie!  My heart aches for you. I feel exactly the same way. I look back on last year and it all seems like a blur or a fog.  This year the pain is crystal clear. I find myself crying all the time too. I’m a teacher, so I try to hold it together at school. But some days it’s even hard there. I look around and all I feel is sad. Nothing about the holidays bring me joy. It’s just another reminder that Dan isn’t here with me. How are we supposed to keep doing this?  It’s gut wrenching.  I have to keep going for the sake of my kids. But I’d rather take down the tree and pretend like nothing is going on. I wish I could take your pain away because I know what your feeling. I’m sending you many many hugs. ❤️

My therapist would say you need to give yourself permission to let things be different this year.  Also altering traditions or making new ones may be right for you.  For me it's been 8 months since my wife passed.  I will put up the tree because thick or thin for 29 years together we always did.   My motto in general though is to keep it simple this year.  That is what works for me right now.  Simple gets the job done with hopefully less stress.  Hope you find what works for you. 

[LMR]

Wendy and Annie my heart aches for you both and everyone else here. I am in the same time frame, 15 months for me. I don't remember much about last year, I was alone with my grief. I just sat around and cried. I was living on tea and cookies. I had a couple of invitations but I declined. This year I am no longer in my home, I'm no longer in the same country. Everything is different yet it doesn't help the pain. My sister and her family have been wonderful to me but I am feeling like I am a burden because I am so sad. Its probably all in my imagination. I miss him XO much, it is still unreal.

Hugs.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, WendyWoo said:

I’m new to this and am reaching out for guidance. I lost my husband a little over a year ago and I’m having a really difficult time. The holidays are really hitting me hard. I think I was still somewhat in shock last year so I was able to press forward.  This year feels especially hard because reality has set in. My heart is so heavy right now. Sometimes I feel like this sadness will never subside.  

I am so sorry that you're going through this loss/grief too but glad you made your way here, it helps to know others understand and "get it."

We had a lot of discussion about this here, please view my links:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

10 hours ago, Michael M said:

My therapist would say you need to give yourself permission to let things be different this year. 

Agreed!  How old are your kids?

[Jemiga70]

@WendyWoo  I am so sorry for your loss, Wendy.  I am just 7 and a half months in.  December is a tough one.  Not only Christmas but my wedding anniversary is this month, too.  Lots of anguish lately, lots of tears. 

I have declined get-togethers with groups of people because I just can't handle it.  I am not looking forward to much this month, but I will celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife because I know she lives on in spirit.  Peace to you and your family,

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I have declined get-togethers with groups of people because I just can't handle it.  I am not looking forward to much this month, but I will celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife because I know she lives on in spirit.  Peace to you and your family,

I understand.  Proceed with what YOU are comfortable with, there is no exact way to do this...but YOUR way, we're all individual and so is our journey.  I still talk to my husband, don't know for positive if he hears me but I like to think so, I too believe they live on in spirit and I believe we'll be together again.

[Aussie1954]

I just joined this group because the world does not understand grief.  I lost my husband of 40 years to cancer 5 months ago.  Grief comes in waves.  I feel like I am going backward.  Like a few of you my husband'd birthday was 12/9 and then there are the holidays.  I have little energy, cannot get out of bed in the mornings and having a lot of trouble sleeping.  I am in a fog.  I cannot cope with the aloneness.  I have always been an independent woman.  My husband and I had different interests but we alway met in the middle.  I cannot stand the quiet the alone.  I no longer talk to my friends.  They don't give me what I need.  If one more person tells me I will get over it, I don't know what I will do.  So I keep quiet.  My kids live far away.  My daughter is getting married in August 2022 so bitter sweet.  The planning is so difficult with so much pain.  Tomorrow is another day.  Thank you for listening

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, yet also relieved that you found this site, it helps to read and post here, it really does...here, others "get it" and understand and won't say stupid cliches to you. 
Cliches - answers to
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

I grew a lot of moxie when my husband died, as he was no longer here to protect me, I've learned to stand up to people and speak truth, educate them on grief, maybe print out something that sets them straight...but that's me.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Aussie1954]

Kay C thank you.  I too have grown a thick skin and I have learned to be very choosy as to who I hang out with (when I feel like hanging out).  Surprisingly people still give me platitudes even though I have directly spoken to them and given articles.  That is why I really need people like you and this site.  Again, Thanks.

 

[mfreedmn97]

18 hours ago, Aussie1954 said:

I just joined this group because the world does not understand grief.  I lost my husband of 40 years to cancer 5 months ago.  Grief comes in waves.  I feel like I am going backward.  Like a few of you my husband'd birthday was 12/9 and then there are the holidays.  I have little energy, cannot get out of bed in the mornings and having a lot of trouble sleeping.  I am in a fog.  I cannot cope with the aloneness.  I have always been an independent woman.  My husband and I had different interests but we alway met in the middle.  I cannot stand the quiet the alone.  I no longer talk to my friends.  They don't give me what I need.  If one more person tells me I will get over it, I don't know what I will do.  So I keep quiet.  My kids live far away.  My daughter is getting married in August 2022 so bitter sweet.  The planning is so difficult with so much pain.  Tomorrow is another day.  Thank you for listening

 

Aussie 1954 - I get it. All of it. We are very much the same as you describe save for it being my wife that has passed Fog. Sleep. Energy. Friends. I liken my experience right now to falling endlessly in a deep dark hole - no bottom in sight. The waves crash over me in indescribable ways. The sadness is visceral. I’ve cried an ocean of tears. I hate being alone. And I feel 4 months after she has passed it might as well be that day because I haven’t moved 1 inch from the morning after. This is so hard. So exhausting. I’m so tired. So sad. 

[Aussie1954]

mfreedmn97I just read many of your postings.  I refer to grief as waves, but that deep black hole image is where I am too.  Your wife died so recently mine will be 6months on 12/22.  I did feel better, slept better, had more energy. (about month 3-4)  Then Thanksgiving came, his birthday and the holidays and feels like I am back to square 1.  I think I got out of bed 2pm two days this week.  When I summon the energy to get out I do feel better.  Movement helps, but I was never from the great exercisers. In warmer weather I walk a lot, but we have quite a few months to go.  I would love some Sunshine in my black hole.

[tnd]

On 12/5/2021 at 11:22 PM, Michael M said:

My therapist would say you need to give yourself permission to let things be different this year.  Also altering traditions or making new ones may be right for you. 

Michael M:  That sounds like good advice. Because I'm living in someone else's house right now I won't be putting up a tree. Besides, I no longer have one anyways. But maybe next year when I'm in my own place (better be) I will put one up and decorate it with the color of lights my husband favored. The last few times I used lights in a color I liked (and that he agreed with but wasn't his favorite) so doing up a tree to his liking will I think, make me feel better since I don't get to do much for him anymore. 

It's hard because I think so many of us on here feel like we've lost our purpose in life. My husband was my whole reason for living. Maybe doing a little something I know he enjoyed will make me smile, if not for just the occasion. 

There were times when I put up a tiny table-top tree. First time was before I married but was going through a rough and sad time. The other time was when we were doing my husband's dialysis at home. We lived in a tiny apartment and because of the dialysis machine and supplies, we didn't have room for a tree. So I decorated a small table-top tree. Funny thing, those little trees actually gave me a lot of joy. They're so cute. My point is, it was different from what I was used to and yet it made me feel better. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Aussie1954 said:

Then Thanksgiving came, his birthday and the holidays and feels like I am back to square 1.

Reminds me of my post here:
 

On 11/23/2021 at 8:05 AM, KayC said:

George died five days after his 51st birthday.  My daughter invited me to a friend's family 4th of July get together, I wasn't up to all the gaiety and didn't want to bring anyone down so declined, saying I wasn't up to it.  I wasn't ever invited again.  Instead I opted to go to a 4th of July music event at the park, it was easier than having to engage with people..  I came home and his closest rod had broken, dumping all his clothes on the floor.  I hadn't planned to deal with it that soon, but I boxed them up to deal with later and went out and cut a rod to fit the closet.

Labor Day was our family's big thing, we always went camping with friends.  I got through the day largely ignoring it.

My birthday came (October 7)...no one remembered, no phone calls, nothing.  George always made a big deal of it...the disparity was jolting.  I cried myself to sleep.

Our anniversary came (October 19), I cancelled our reservations ahead of time, feeling unable to face the place we'd honeymooned and spent our honeymoons.  It was a hard day.  I cried.

TG came, I fixed dinner for my daughter and her BF and her ex (don't ask).  My son was in the Air Force.

Christmas came, I didn't feel like doing anything but my son was home on leave and wanted to take us out and cut a tree down, tradition.  I went along with it.  My daughter enlisted my help decorating it.  I wasn't feeling it...until I saw my husband's ornaments and stocking.  We wrote notes to him and put them in his stocking.  New tradition, the memory tree in his honor.  I do it still.  Even if I'm not feeling it.  And afterwards I'm always glad I did.  He loved Christmas and EVERYTHING!  He had so much zest for life!  How could he just be gone?!  I bought him a new ornament....I couldn't show it to him.

New Years, never a big deal to me, I went to our church's NY party, which I'd always attended with him...kind of felt flat, blasé without him.  Got through it.

Valentine's Day.  That was hard.  We always went to our church's Valentine banquet together, holding hands, in love.  It wasn't the same without him.  It was tough.

Easter came...I major rebelled!  This day had held the most meaning for me of all of the holidays for religious significance, I'd been in cantatas over the years, had many memories of Easters gone by.  I couldn't do it.  I told the kids I just couldn't.  I decided to skip it and treat it like any other day.  No church, no big meal, nothing.  No one mentioned it to me, as if tiptoeing around it.  The following Sunday I had a big dinner with my kids.  We didn't mention Easter.

His birthday came, June 14.  Very hard.  I told him happy birthday in heaven.

Father's Day was the day he died, this year the 19th fell on another day from Father's day so I got TWO anniversaries of death!  Lucky me.  My year had come full cycle.

I don't know of anything harder.  My sister lost her husband of 50 years, it's been totally different for her.  She's kind of out of it, having dementia, maybe in a way that's spared her some.