Grief

[Patricia77]

Since losing my partner on October 15 2021 I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions and hits of anxiety.

During the first hit of COVID we stopped living together- he had a front line type of job and I work in a Emergency Department. Trying to keep both of our elderly parents safe we decided it best. I’d look after my father and he’d look after his mother- we’d get together for most dinners- him at one end of the long dining table dad and I at the other end.

An acquaintance who has struggled with drugs was homeless and he felt it better to allow him and his girlfriend to couch surf rather than a shelter. To our demise- he started using -

In April of this year ( after being questioned many times) my partner confessed to using and wanted to get clean.

 

I did everything I could and we got his participation back, his weight and colour improved. All summer till thanksgiving things were awesome.

then October 15- he died

i have great guilt in believing my daily interactions- “ how do you feel? “Have you used”- “I’m proud of you “ were true

He looked so well, participated in all family/ social activities never showed signals he might have been using, he never missed work or diners…..

I blame myself for not letting his brothers question him or do an intervention- I felt he’d loose trust in me. Now I feel like I’ve robbed his children (living with their mom) and family.

im broken 

[Gail 8588]

Patricia,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Be kind to yourself. His death is not your fault.  

In grief, it is very common for those of us left behind to feel extremely guilty.  My husband had a stroke, and I felt terribly guilty for a very long time.  It as if our brains want to place the blame somewhere, and heaping it on ourselves is the default.

Come here and vent anytime. We understand how hard this is. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

[Jen H]

Welcome.  Of course it's not your fault and we all probably all feel guilty at times and have regrets.  Our minds go crazy thinking about what we could have done different and if it would  have made a difference.  I would get so angry at my boyfriend at times.  I wanted him to fight his cancer harder, take care of himself better, and get things in order.  I regret working too much, not going to half his doctors appts, and not paying attention more to what he was going through or how he was feeling.  I still wonder if I would have done more, how much longer or better could he have lived?  But I will never know.  However I have to keep telling myself that I didn't do everything perfectly and neither did he.  But we did the best we could as imperfect human beings in an imperfect and harsh world.  And I know he loved me and didn't want to hurt or leave me.  As well as I know he knew I loved him and took care of him the best way I could.  I'm sure you did what you thought best.  Try instead to think about all the positive things you did do that helped him and showed him how much you loved and cared for him.  I am sure there is plenty of those.  And yes keep coming here if you need to vent.  We all  understand more than anyone.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Patricia77 said:

Now I feel like I’ve robbed his children (living with their mom) and family.

I am so sorry for your loss and for how it happened.  FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS, however.  He made his own choices and is solely responsible for what became of them with his children AND with you, as well as himself.  We can only control our own actions.  I have to hand it to you for trying to tough it out and stay by him.  My husband's boss turned him onto drugs as a way of "getting more work out of him."  He was already working as hard/fast as he could and they were continually breaking weight restrictions!  [I did not feel bad when the company went under a few years later.]
I was lucky, George came and talked to our pastor and elders about it and confessed to me...that was three weeks before he died.  He was in rehab and doing what he could but alas he had a heart attack with diabetic complications and died.  The heart surgeon said the drugs had nothing to do with it...not sure I believe that (I think he said it to alleviate my pain) as it does thin the lining of the heart and stresses it.  The same thing happened to an even younger guy at his job two months later.  Of course drugs cost $, $ we could ill afford, all these years later I am still struggling to pay it all off (I'd owned my house outright before him, then I owed $72,000 at his death!  Due to other circumstances acquired another $72,000 in debt, got it whittled down to $60k 16 1/2 years later.

I do understand your feelings and am so sorry for all you are going through..  None of this is your fault. I hope you'll continue to come here...it helps.