Length of time

[BBB]

After about a year and a half now, no one wants to hear my tale of woe. No one wants to see me cry. Everyone is tired of me saying the same things over and over. I suppose it is just human nature but it becomes so frustrating because everyone, including family has "moved on" but you cannot. It actually makes things much more difficult for me and something that I was not prepared for. In the beginning, everyone is sympathetic, gives you their shoulder to cry on, listens to your hurt, anger, lamenting but after a period of time, most people want you to progress. They want you better because at the end of the day, there is nothing that you or they can do to change the fact that your soulmate is gone. This has been the hardest lesson to go through so far.

 

[widower2]

Very sorry BBB. They just don't get it. It sounds like their empathy lasted a lot longer than what i got from anyone, not that that makes it OK to adopt that "move on" attitude though. Again, they are just clueless. Losing a parent or friend or sibling (etc) is horrible too, but IMO it can't (generally speaking) really compare to losing the love of your life. 

[Carol34]

10 hours ago, BBB said:

After about a year and a half now, no one wants to hear my tale of woe. No one wants to see me cry. Everyone is tired of me saying the same things over and over. I suppose it is just human nature but it becomes so frustrating because everyone, including family has "moved on" but you cannot. It actually makes things much more difficult for me and something that I was not prepared for. In the beginning, everyone is sympathetic, gives you their shoulder to cry on, listens to your hurt, anger, lamenting but after a period of time, most people want you to progress. They want you better because at the end of the day, there is nothing that you or they can do to change the fact that your soulmate is gone. This has been the hardest lesson to go through so far.

 

My husband passed away a little less than 8 weeks ago, and I'm already seeing everyone else "moving on".  He came from a large, very close (or so I thought) family.  His siblings and their spouses were the couples we went out with.  He always told me that, if anything happened to him,, they would be there for me. 

When Paul was first diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer (in late May), everyone said they'd help with anything I needed, etc.  They visited often, brought food they thought he'd like, etc.  But even those visits became less frequent, even though it was only 4 months from the time of diagnosis until we lost him.  When he went to Hospice on Oct 1st, they all went to visit him.  His oldest brother stayed all day, and brought me breakfast every morning.  One of his other brothers stayed the night a few times. 

On October 7th he was gone.  I expected it to be like  you see in movies and on television, with everyone rallying around, bringing me meals, etc.  But, here's what happened.  The day after he passed away, his sister and her husband stopped by the house.  They didn't even stay long enough to sit down.  Just stood in the doorway and talked for a few minutes.  I haven't seen any of his brothers since then.  One of them sent me a few texts the first week, but now he's gone silent.  I've reached out to all of them, but haven't gotten much of a response.  One of them lives just a couple of miles from me. 

Fortunately, my son and his family live close.  They come over twice a week for dinner, and just to visit.  My daughter lives 2300 miles away, but calls at least 3 times a week.  My sister works 2 jobs, but usually calls me on her way home from work once or twice a week.  And Paul's daughter (who I helped raise), comes by every week or so.  But his family...who he said would always be there for me...has not. I know he'd be disappointed.

[SDC]

I feel you BBB and I'm experiencing the same. I'm sorry we're sharing this additional hurt. I can't remember the last time anyone asked how I am  (it was 1 1/2 years for me in Oct) or commented about my loss/grieving. How hard is it to send an occasional simple text? Drop a card in the mail? Even those easy things are too much for most. People want you to be who they want you to be and if that means ignoring your pain, so be it. My loss informed me that that I've long been thoughtful to people who don't reciprocate near the same level of thoughtfulness. In response, I'm adjusting where I put my energies and thoughtfulness. I'm self-directing both and perceiving myself as a wounded child who needs what adult me can give her. It sounds a bit goofy, but it helps me. Take good care of you. 

[KayC]

I feel the same as you, as I responded in the other thread, take care of YOURSELF, damned to them!  People and their avoidance because "they can't handle it."  Whatever!  How would they like to be on OUR end?  Think anyone asked US if we could handle it?  Hell no!  Life just hit and slammed us anyway!  Where is the empathy?  Where is the caring?  No, their lives go on as before, almost as if they're saying to us, "Sorry about your luck."  

[tnd]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:52 AM, BBB said:

After about a year and a half now, no one wants to hear my tale of woe. No one wants to see me cry. Everyone is tired of me saying the same things over and over. I suppose it is just human nature but it becomes so frustrating because everyone, including family has "moved on" but you cannot.

BBB:  After just 4 months following my husband's death, I was told by someone that they wanted me to "get out of the rut" I am in. RUT?! Yep, that's right, they cannot even say the word "grief".  

[KayC]

Wow!  Taking a bullet to the chest is a "rut???"  I'd like to see THEM go through it and THEN tell me it's a "rut!"  

[Michael M]

On 12/1/2021 at 9:31 PM, cmp34 said:

I expected it to be like  you see in movies and on television, with everyone rallying around, bringing me meals, etc.  

I have expressed repeatedly to people and my therapist how everything portrayed on TV and the movies is one giant myth.  If the days of that level of empathy existed they are gone. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, Michael M said:

If the days of that level of empathy existed they are gone. 

Michael M:  People's mindset has changed. I used to think the world was cold. Now I think it's cold AND distant. And yet, so many "connect" to people about anything and everything on social media. But if they had to do it in-person, not a chance.    

[KayC]

I think Covid has only exacerbated this.

[Jemiga70]

Somebody said it before on another thread, but I think we are the constant reminder to other people of what could happen to them.  Generally ive been lucky with immediate family support, but  the phone calls from my sister stopped abruptly about a month after my beautiful wife crossed.

My sister is not a callous person.  But she is married, with 2 grown children, and I'm the constant reminder of what could happen.

[KayC]

Yep!  I have said that, they don't want a glimpse of their own mortality or what could have to them (and will to most of us eventually) preferring to be in ignorant bliss.  Who can blame them except you'd think if they're true friends they'd care enough to push through for us...who needs fairweather friends!  Funerals may not "feel" fun and comfortable but most of us attend them!  But then they want to go home and forget about it.  We can't.

[tnd]

16 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

My sister is not a callous person.  But she is married, with 2 grown children, and I'm the constant reminder of what could happen.

Jemiga70:  You might be right about that. I know this is different but, when my father left my mother all her friends stopped calling and inviting her to visit. Only one older friend stayed loyal and offered her support. When that woman was younger with 4 children, her husband ran off. She said her friends stopped calling and visiting too. She said she thought it was because the other women were afraid that she'd become "needy" and want to "borrow" their husbands to help out with things around the house (yardwork, fixing things, etc). Maybe that's how some people view those of us who have lost a spouse/partner....they fear or dread we will become too needy, too depressing for them to deal with or start to rely on them more and they want to protect their time with their own families. While I can understand that, I still say it's BS.