Devastated

[William M]

It's day 5 since I suddenly lost my wife and partner of 34 years. The funeral is now upon me . I am lost, confused, heartbroken, and scared. I was to retire within a couple years and we were finally to travel and enjoy life after years of staying put.  Now that's ruined. everything is now ruined and destroyed. Soon my son, that has been invaluable these last few days, will be returning home to his life in another city, and the well wishers ( that surely are getting annoyed at my constant whimpering like a little boy) will soon fade away.

Then what?  What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm still 6 years from retirement age. Am I really expected to continue on as before? To go back to my stressful job ,and return everyday as I had but from now to an empty house? No quick phone call to my sweet wife on the drive home?  No greeting at the door?  Am I to watch TV alone until sleepy then do it all again the next day?

 

I'm sorry but that kind of hell doesn't seen like a good option for me.   I could rent my house, pull together all my pennies and just leave to somewhere, but that's what WE were supposed to do together,  Travel!   I just couldn't do that alone. That's all ruined for me.So I can't stay and I can't go? I don;t like the other options..............

[SSC]

William M, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are so new to this and the grief is overwhelming and raw.  Try not to think too far ahead and only take one hour or day at a time.  It is important to take care of yourself right now and not think too far into the future.

I am roughly your same age and because of the loss of my husband I have changed my outlook on life.  I quit my job but now wish I had a job for some routine and distraction.  I too planned on traveling when we retired and now…it is ruined as well… I feel your pain.  
 

we hope you feel welcome here where you can vent your feelings and frustrations.  There are many here who have ideas and insights that have helped so many of us who have lost our partners.  It’s been a life safer.

[LMR]

William M I am so sorry for your loss. Five days is so early. I do hope you will not be getting abandoned so soon.

This site has been invaluable to me. In those first few months the first thing I did each morning was to check the posts. It made me feel less alone. We all know the pain you are going through, I hope we will be able to offer a little comfort and help you bear it.

[steveb]

William, I’m so very sorry for your loss.  Please take things slow as SSC said.  Your pain, thoughts, and grief are causing you to go into emotional and physical overdrive.  Like SSC, I’m probably around your age too. My wife and I were getting closer to the retirement goal line.  The shock of losing her so suddenly shook me to my core.  I was truly a lost soul without her love.  Family and friends helped me immensely, but coming here was and continues to be helpful as well. Post as often as you feel like and please keep us updated. 
 

God bless, steve

[William M]

Thank you all . I am here because I realize your the only ones that really understand.

My parents really don't, my son can't really know. There is a "wall of understanding"  blocking me from family and friends. They really can't "get it" I am truly alone even when surrounded

..I have to make a decision about work soon. do I take off the rest of the week, or the rest of the month?.I dread going back with all the stares and pity  waiting. With her insurance, I can pay off everything with some left over, but 6 years to SS and a small 401K is a loooooong stretch of the money left. That's a lot of canned chili from the dollar store..........

[SSC]

I went back to work way too soon, three weeks after I lost my husband.  I was crying while talking to people, but that was me.  Do what is best for you!  Do you have bereavement pay combined with paid time off just to…breathe?  It’s only been a few days.  IMHO You absolutely shouldn’t make huge life choices right now.  I do not know what you do for a living and what stability it gives you but give it some time before you make any big changes.  Is this something you would be comfortable discussing with your parents or son?

[steveb]

Take some time off William. You need to focus on yourself.  No need to make any decisions now unless they are critical in nature. Some things can be put on the back burner.   Work is a good distraction for me. Plus, I’m fortunate to have some great coworkers. 

We are all here to help each other.

[Carolina Girl]

Many of us share your same feelings.  Feeling cheated of not only our present but our future.  Like you, we were already looking for a piece of land on the lake to build our dream cabin.  Covid hit and bam….our dreams were buried with him.  For me, Dec. 18th will make a year.  I say that to say, emotionally I’ve come a long way but I had to determine in my heart that my life wasn’t over and I needed to set new goals.  You are in such a raw state.  Please continue to come back here for virtual hugs and folks that know how you feel.  My prayers will include you tonight.

[Sparky1]

William, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. My wife also longed for the day when I retired so we could do more things together. I'm about the same age as well and can retire early in about a year's time. The job I'm at is winding down, and I don't think I want to go to another project. My body has had it physically, and emotionally I have no motivation. I'm sure your employer can be sympathetic to you and let you grieve, take as long as you need, don't rush it. I was home 3 months and only went back to get out of the house, it was still tough showing up every morning in a fog.

[Jen H]

Yes we all know how you feel and are here for you.  It's been two months today I lost my love of 22 years from cancer.  Though mine was expected.  I can't even imagine losing him suddenly and unexpected.  I went back to work in two weeks only because they said I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork.  I had to work one day every 14 days.  The first day was too soon and awful though I have a lot of co workers and have to deal with the public.  I cried my eyes out on my breaks.  I just wanted to run out of there but I got through it.  It is gradually getting easier.  I don't talk about him and they don't bring it up anymore.  And coming home to him not waiting for me was and still is heartbreaking but it does gradually get easier too.  I do however have a disabled adult daughter here at home and two crazy kittens to keep me busy.  All you can do is what feels right for you at the moment but don't make any rash decisions yet.  It's too fresh and new.  Take your time and live day by day right now. Come here if you need to vent or just to be around people who understands.  Coming here helps me feel better.  I haven't found anyone else who I can talk to.  

[Michael M]

It sounds like you need some time off even if it's just to get necessary things done.  Can you invoke FMLA leave?  You won't get paid but you won't lose your job either.  Don't let other people pressure you into making quick decisions.   It's is too easy to make a bad decision right now.  I keep considering retirement even though social security is over a decade away for me.  I refuse to make a decision though until after at least a year has passed.  I understand the feeling too that all your plans gone.  We both need to stay the course for now until we can successfully chart a new one that has meaning.

[Mars40]

Take month off and day by day.  Your in a world of hurt and yes you are alone.  I know family helps and also a distraction.  Don’t make any decisions yet for the next week is going to be hard but also a celebration of her life. Day by day and give yourself permission not to be ok.  This is a great forum and helped me a lot when I lost my man and still does. I’m sorry for your loss

[KayC]

18 hours ago, William M said:

It's day 5 since I suddenly lost my wife and partner of 34 years.

I am so sorry for your loss, but want to welcome you here, the one place everyone truly "gets it."  A safe place.

The questions whirling through your head...for me there was no option but to go back to work asap, I needed to eat, have house payment, car payment, etc.  We had no $ in the bank, he had just turned 51 and didn't expect this in our wildest dreams.  That was 16 1/2 years ago.  During the recession I was forced to retire me as I lost my job, no notice, no one would hire me, faced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  I lived off my savings for four years until I was broke and then filed soc. sec. taking a year's penalty...for life.  We get by.  Somehow we survive injuries, operations, all alone, making all the decisions, figuring out how to pay for everything.  The harder part is living without him.  My spark in life, biggest fan, the joy in my life.  There is no replacing that.  He was one of a kind, he had so much zest for life.

I can only do this one day at a time.  I've always been a planner, like knowing how things are going to go, but the older I get the more I learn that there are some things beyond our control that we can never be ready for and death is one of them.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, William M said:

I have to make a decision about work soon. do I take off the rest of the week

I took two weeks off, except I went in day 5 to do payroll.  It helped to have the work distraction but it's very hard to focus and our brains are NOT right for quite some time.  It took me years to be able to read a book for pleasure and I canceled tv for years because I just couldn't watch it.  You're in the early throes of grief, I remember it well, having to notify people, planning a funeral, going to the soc. sec. office, taking death cert. to the bank, ins. co. etc.  All while you can't think, you do well to get dressed and brush your teeth!  

Try to remember to eat something and drink some water.  I got edema from the stress and had to go to the doctor.  Also, if a doctor offer a sleep aid, take it, I made it harder than it needed to be on myself by trying to "tough it out" and not wanting to take something temporary when it's a permanent situation.  May be but we need what help we can getting through this, figure the rest out later.    I wish you well with the decisions.  Maybe take a leave of absence while you're dealing with all these extra things but leave the door open on returning to work should you so choose to.  Medical insurance is a consideration too, mine was through George's job and it was before Obamacare and Medicare so I was without.

[Remember the Big Mo]

Your loss is great and the impact on your life is too. I am so sorry. My husband passed away 241 days ago. I have made it this far by focusing on each day at a time. Yes, it is very difficult to not think of the past and what the future holds for us, however I have found setting one goal for the day and focusing on that has made this journey survivable. I also journal, some days only writing down what I have done: showering and laundry, etc. I stayed on a sleep schedule as best as possible using melatonin every night. I have also found daily meditation a huge aid to quieting down the constant brain noise that heightened anxiety.

Early on in my grief I asked for help-all request were met with enthusiasm and empathy. Remember that this is an important step in taking care of yourself.  Help ranged from helping clear out all items that related to my husbands illness. I still have all his belongings and will get to them in due time. Add to self care eating and drinking fluids. 

Taking care of yourself is a priority - going back to work might not be the best next step for you? Does your employer have an option for you to take time off and to return in a phased time frame? 

I was also able to connect to grief groups via Zoom-weekly meetings to talk to others that are speaking the same language of grief has carried me a long way. Some participants are further along in their journey and their experience has been valuable. 

I so sorry that you are experiencing this incredible loss. My thoughts are with you and I encourage you to keep reaching out. Unfortunately this is our common journey and we are here to support you.

[MaryB]

Oh William, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I too lost the love of my life and I remember and understand the raw emotion of those first days and weeks.  Please take it one day at a time or it will continue to be so overwhelming it will take your breath away.  And I see that KayC posted her valuable tips.  When I first joined this forum, she sent those tips to me and I took them to heart.  You are in the right place, William.  We all understand the hell you're going through and walk with you on this journey.  You are not alone.  Please take care...you are in my prayers.

[randynose]

William, I'm sure all of us here get it. - I lost my wife in June. It's still kind of fresh for me too. The Empty House, Work issues, etc. I switched jobs, because I was concerned about being able to pay the bills, but the new job has 10+ hr days, and it doesn't give me as much time as I'd like to process things. 

There are a LOT of good suggestions here from others. Take time for yourself.  I try to have lunch with my Stepdaughter and Mother-In-Law on my weekends. That helps. - I also have some support and socialization via a 12 step group. Very understanding people.  If you have some other form of social group outside of work, hang out with them if possible. Church, or some other place.

This is still very fresh for you.  I get it. There is no "proper" way to grieve.

- I Gotta run off to work, my friend.
 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, randynose said:

I lost my wife in June. It's still kind of fresh for me too. The Empty House, Work issues, etc. I switched jobs, because I was concerned about being able to pay the bills, but the new job has 10+ hr days, and it doesn't give me as much time as I'd like to process things. 

Welcome here...it touched me that you are new here and yet already trying to be here for someone else, God bless you.  I am very sorry for your loss, I love the picture of the two of you, it's that everydayness we cherish and miss so much, never dreaming it was about to change...my husband turned 51 five days before he died, suddenly, unexpectedly.  That was 16 1/2 years ago.  I hope you will keep this article as this is an ever evolving journey, and what doesn't strike a chord with your right now, may on down the line.  Our journeys are unique and we learn to do what brings us comfort, sometimes it makes no sense to others, but we learn to follow our heart.

I'm glad you have support and people that are understanding, that can mean so much.  You've also learned to build in things to look forward to, like having lunch with your stepdaughter and MIL.

This is for you:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Dawn Wms]

My heart goes out to you, William.  I am a year and a half into this hell, but time doesn't seem to have lessened my pain.  I am in the same position in terms of retirement.  I was just a couple of years away, but now, what's the point?  I will just be alone.  I went back to work after four months off and it was excruciating and, while not as difficult anymore, it is still hard every day.  I have no enthusiasm.  I can't wait to get home and yet, once I'm here, I'm just miserable to be alone.  I turn to this forum because at least here people understand.  The longer it is away from my husband's death the harder it is for me to be around people because they expect me to start being more back to normal.  But I'm still not back to normal.  The truth is, I will never be back to normal.  I do hope to someday to find a new normal that is not as painful as what I'm going through now, but it is hard to imagine.  I ask your question everyday, what the hell am I supposed to do?  I don't know.  I am just so sorry for you and I want you to know that I, as everyone else on this forum, can empathize with you.  It is hell, but you are not alone.

[William M]

Thank you again. You all seem to be wonderful people. Today was the funeral. The second worse day of my life, the first being a few days ago. I am glad the the generation of bad images which fill my mind have now ended, I couldn't stand for there to be more such as my wife laying on the floor, the paramedics at work, police walking through my home, My wife at the viewing,  and the scenes at the interment. I hope they will fade, but I see them whenever I close my eyes. I can't believe this is all happening around me. It has to be a nightmare.

[MaryB]

Dear William, 

I understand.  Although I took care of my husband for six years, at the end he died suddenly from a blood clot.  Right in front of me.  The hallway where it happened is now sacred ground to me and I too have permanent visions of police and paramedics and can still hear the sirens and the EMT's voices.  I suppose these things are with me forever but I can offer the hope to you that I have noticed the clarity of these memories has faded a little over the last two years.  And I'm hanging on to the hope that this will continue although I'm not so sure I want them to disappear altogether.  God bless you.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I am a year and a half into this hell, but time doesn't seem to have lessened my pain.

I don't think it does in the first couple of years, in fact I've heard many say the second year seemed harder to them, reality set in, shock wore off, and they realize what they're left with.  It took me a LONG time for the pain to lessen, even all these years later I still feel his absence keenly and some things seem to accentuate it, like holidays, special events, hard places, Covid isolation.

12 hours ago, William M said:

I hope they will fade, but I see them whenever I close my eyes.

If they do not, a good grief therapist should be able to help you with this...
EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR

You made it through the funeral, I hope that is a bit of relief.  Mary, I am sorry you also hold those images in you...very hard to live with, I hope you both get help with that if it continues to concern you.  

[randynose]

On 11/30/2021 at 11:02 AM, KayC said:

Welcome here...it touched me that you are new here and yet already trying to be here for someone else, God bless you.  I am very sorry for your loss, I love the picture of the two of you, it's that everydayness we cherish and miss so much, never dreaming it was about to change...my husband turned 51 five days before he died, suddenly, unexpectedly.  That was 16 1/2 years ago.  I hope you will keep this article as this is an ever evolving journey, and what doesn't strike a chord with your right now, may on down the line.  Our journeys are unique and we learn to do what brings us comfort, sometimes it makes no sense to others, but we learn to follow our heart.

I'm glad you have support and people that are understanding, that can mean so much.  You've also learned to build in things to look forward to, like having lunch with your stepdaughter and MIL.

This is for you:

 

Thank you KayC,

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words.  I might not make it on here often, working some long days. Things are getting better for me, but the empty house is still a thing, cats help, but they're not the same.

Randy

[KayC]

Well we're here when you are able to be.  I hope you're able to focus at work, I had a hard time with focus in early grief.  Work can be a welcome distraction.

[William M]

Hello everyone. I'm not doing so well. My son has left back home for a few weeks, and my parents visits have tapered off to a quick "just checking in". I've taken another week off work, as I'm still a wreck. I'm OK for a short while here and there, then I "remember" and break down in tears several time a day. I cried as I drove to pick up the death certificates. I cried as looked at her car. I had to pick up a few of her cloths that were on the bedroom floor, as I couldn't bare to look at them anymore, but I broke down again. She left me with 2 one year old puppies that are very needy They have been in shock over the disappearance of there "mama". and are not eating well.I just can't take much more, I can't believe this has happened. It can't be real! I don;t know what to do

[Michael M]

1 hour ago, William M said:

Hello everyone. I'm not doing so well. My son has left back home for a few weeks, and my parents visits have tapered off to a quick "just checking in". I've taken another week off work, as I'm still a wreck. I'm OK for a short while here and there, then I "remember" and break down in tears several time a day. I cried as I drove to pick up the death certificates. I cried as looked at her car. I had to pick up a few of her cloths that were on the bedroom floor, as I couldn't bare to look at them anymore, but I broke down again. She left me with 2 one year old puppies that are very needy They have been in shock over the disappearance of there "mama". and are not eating well.I just can't take much more, I can't believe this has happened. It can't be real! I don;t know what to do

I remember my therapist explaining to me I was still in shock and in flight or fight mode for at least the first 2 months.  There was always something like death certificates that needed doing.  If you can hold on through these early days you will make it to a point where you can take a breather and knock the chaos/stress back a notch or two.  Crying is actually good for you, it helps release the tension.  So does exercise.  

[Jennifer Uren]

I can relate to everything you said. My fiancé passed away 2 weeks ago today. My kids, family, and friends have slowly gotten back to their own lives and I’m scared to be alone. The other night I couldn’t bring myself to come inside the house. I sat in the car sobbing and wailing for over an hour. I’m at a complete loss. I don’t know what to do with myself. The aching in my heart and the pain in the pit of my stomach is relentless.

[William M]

I see your fiance died the same day as my wife. I which we could cry together. I feel all alone in this misery. Only you and the others here know. No one else can.

I have another bad day ahead.    Headstone selection..........................

[Gail 8588]

William M, 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is life shattering.  

Try your best to focus only on what you have to do today.  Some days there will be unavoidable chores that will be really hard, like picking out her headstone.  Getting through those is a major accomplishment.  Other days, feeding and walking the dogs may be your only required task for the day.

All days are hard to get through, but if your mind wanders into what will become of me for the next year, decade, rest of my life, it is easy to fall into great despair.  If you focus on small daily tasks, you can build a little stability in your life.  I can feed the dogs. I can make my bed.  I can eat something "good for my health".  

Be kind to yourself. Your brain is trying to deal with this catastrophic impact and there will be times when you feel you can't make sense of anything.  Focusing on the tangible tasks that are really before you today, helps. One day at a time, sometimes one hour or moment at a time, can keep you focused on tasks and decisions that have to be done now and you can push away the huge morass of what ifs . . .

Your work situation depends a lot on your employer and your situation.  For me, I was not able to go to work for awhile (I was crying all the time, not sleeping, could not focus or make decisions). When I did return to work I felt the structure helped me get through the days. (Though I must admit I was not a very efficient or productive employee for quite awhile.)

I would recommend you hold off on making any big changes, like quitting your job or selling your house, for at least a year, if possible.  It is really true that your brain is not functioning well after a catastrophic loss like this.  It's almost like a brain injury, or PTSD.  Give your brain some time to heal. 

Right now, in this early grief, it is a lot to just get out of bed and do some minimal self care, like eating a bit, maybe taking a shower.  Some days that is all you can accomplish.  That's okay. 

I am so sorry your life has been shattered. We understand, our lives have been shattered too.  Come here to vent or share as you feel the need. We will offer what comfort we can.

Gail 

[Michael M]

3 hours ago, William M said:

I see your fiance died the same day as my wife. I which we could cry together. I feel all alone in this misery. Only you and the others here know. No one else can.

I have another bad day ahead.    Headstone selection..........................

It's been 8 months and I haven't picked a headstone.   Generally you need time to let the ground settle properly.   I am going to pick one soon.  If you wait to have one you can get ground planters in the meantime to put flowers in.  That's what I do.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, William M said:

Hello everyone. I'm not doing so well. My son has left back home for a few weeks, and my parents visits have tapered off to a quick "just checking in". I've taken another week off work, as I'm still a wreck. I'm OK for a short while here and there, then I "remember" and break down in tears several time a day. I cried as I drove to pick up the death certificates. I cried as looked at her car. I had to pick up a few of her cloths that were on the bedroom floor, as I couldn't bare to look at them anymore, but I broke down again. She left me with 2 one year old puppies that are very needy They have been in shock over the disappearance of there "mama". and are not eating well.I just can't take much more, I can't believe this has happened. It can't be real! I don;t know what to do

I am so sorry, I remember feeling the same.  George's cat ran away from home two months after he died, it's as if he was waiting for him to show up and when he didn't, he took one long last look at me, turned tail and left, never to be seen again.  We'd gotten Tigger together but evidently he considered HIM his person.  This is so hard to assimilate, it's surreal, a shock to our whole system!  I cried too when I picked up the death certificate, his ashes, had to take the certificate to the social security office, everything.  I couldn't drive to the grocery store for months.  Couldn't watch t.v.  It was hard to work/focus.  

I wish this never happened to you.  We all wiish that.

12 hours ago, Jennifer Uren said:

I can relate to everything you said. My fiancé passed away 2 weeks ago today. My kids, family, and friends have slowly gotten back to their own lives and I’m scared to be alone. The other night I couldn’t bring myself to come inside the house. I sat in the car sobbing and wailing for over an hour. I’m at a complete loss. I don’t know what to do with myself. The aching in my heart and the pain in the pit of my stomach is relentless.

Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss.  You will get through this....it just doesn't seem possible right now...I still have to do one day at a time after all these years (16 1/2) but gradually our body begins to process this, it's a long haul though.  We want to be here for you, so many going through the same, very very hard.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jennifer Uren]

Thank you for the info. I appreciate the part about a fine line between processing grief and avoiding it for I’ve experienced it slapping me in the face.

[KayC]

It does have a way of slapping us when we least expect it, I really don't know a way to alleviate that, it's part of our grieving process.  But if we reach a point we can distract ourselves for even a brief time, that seems to help too, not avoidance, I don't think I could have had I tried!  But more along the lines of this:
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

 

[William M]

Checking back in-

About to wrap up my first week back to work. It wasn't as bad as I feared. The trouble is my crying. Do husbands cry this much? It's been 3 weeks and I cry every morning as I open my eyes. I sob on the way to work. I cry on the way home everyday while calling out for her? I sometimes even cry silently at work while no one is around. I'm not sure how much more I can take... My wife had a horrific childhood and became a very strong woman. I'm sure she would be over the tears by now!

A horrible thought has recently came to me. My wife was taken young.  Spouses are supposed to pass a few years after there spouse has due to age. That is the natrual way of life. But I could possible live 30 years or more. I don;t want that. I can barely remember 30 years ago, I don't want there to 30 years passed since I last saw my baby love. Or 30 years since we were married..It seems like another lifetime away. I don't want to be there. I have to go as I can no longer see the screen through my tears

[SSC]

For what it’s worth I STILL cannot think too much further into the future than a few months or I will panic.  The idea of living 30 more years alone and not seeing my husband is excruciating so I refuse to accept this possibility.  I actually tell myself I will die within the next five years or so just to make life bearable.  My future is lost without him anyway.

[Jen H]

Oh William and. SSC u guys couldn't have expressed my thoughts any more accurate.  I'm 45 and I can't even imagine being able to live the rest of my life without him.  He was quite a bit older and this thought did cross my mind before he got sick but never did I imagine it would become reality this soon.  

[William M]

1 hour ago, SSC said:

For what it’s worth I STILL cannot think too much further into the future than a few months or I will panic.  The idea of living 30 more years alone and not seeing my husband is excruciating so I refuse to accept this possibility.  I actually tell myself I will die within the next five years or so just to make life bearable.  My future is lost without him anyway.

Living alone for 30 years is horrifying, but that's not my main fear. It's her becoming a distant memory from 30 years ago versus the person physical next to me just 3 weeks ago. I'm cryin uncontrollably again, I have to go..................................

[KayC]

15 hours ago, William M said:

I could possible live 30 years or more.

With me, 40 as we live into our 90s, I've survived 16 1/2 now, still I can't look at the whole "rest of my life without him."  It's too much.  I try to stay in today.  I can do today.

12 hours ago, William M said:

It's her becoming a distant memory from 30 years ago versus the person physical next to me just 3 weeks ago.

I have forgotten NOTHING about George, his voice, how he smelled, how it felt when he held me, how happy we were together...

[Gail 8588]

I haven't been at this as long as Kay, but approaching 5 years I feel just as close to my husband as ever.  Nothing has faded.  I don't think I will ever forget him, he is part of me forever. 

Gail

[William M]

Thanks for the comments, but my the feelings about this are hard for me to explain. I will never forget my wife.   I just fear the thought that the last time I saw her, or touched her, or drove out with her on Friday night after work to get our favorite subs from Publix was 30 years ago. 30 years for forever long.....................

 

[KayC]

I understand, I've heard others voice the same thing.  And although I remember everything very well, it seems like forever ago to me...it's been 16 1/2 years.  I don't know when I started feeling that way though, I know in the earlier time it felt like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  Grief seems to warp time.

Although I remember everything about him, it feels like a far away movie I once watched.  It doesn't seem real that I was so happy, so in love!  I've actually caught myself looking up his birth cert., our marriage cert. and his death cert.  I look at pictures of him up on the wall.  View his handwriting.  Yes he really existed, he was mine.  Why does it feel like this then?!

[Michael M]

On 12/16/2021 at 11:41 PM, William M said:

Living alone for 30 years is horrifying, but that's not my main fear. It's her becoming a distant memory from 30 years ago versus the person physical next to me just 3 weeks ago. 

My wife was into genealogy.  One thing she would do with family members was record their stories.  Doing something similar might help you.  I had a similar fear of forgetting her as well.   Grief puts you in a haze.  Memory right now can feel very foggy.  To help me in the first few months I started a document on my tablet.   It's a list of everything about her as I remember it.  Favorite foods, music, books, travel, hobbies, likes, dislikes, names of her stuffed animals,  etc.   It brought me some comfort that I could actually remember her and long term the small detail of her life would not be forgotten. 

[Jennifer Uren]

On 12/16/2021 at 9:26 PM, SSC said:

For what it’s worth I STILL cannot think too much further into the future than a few months or I will panic.  The idea of living 30 more years alone and not seeing my husband is excruciating so I refuse to accept this possibility.  I actually tell myself I will die within the next five years or so just to make life bearable.  My future is lost without him anyway.

I feel the same way. A future without him seems impossible. I can’t imagine ever experiencing true happiness and joy again.

[Jennifer Uren]

6 hours ago, William M said:

Thanks for the comments, but my the feelings about this are hard for me to explain. I will never forget my wife.   I just fear the thought that the last time I saw her, or touched her, or drove out with her on Friday night after work to get our favorite subs from Publix was 30 years ago. 30 years for forever long.....................

 

My fiancé passed away 3 ago and I’ve had similar fears about forgetting him. I’m so accustomed to being a part of every little detail of his life and vice versa. I’ve wondered if I’ll eventually forget some memories since we’re not creating more and it hurts. 

4 hours ago, Michael M said:

My wife was into genealogy.  One thing she would do with family members was record their stories.  Doing something similar might help you.  I had a similar fear of forgetting her as well.   Grief puts you in a haze.  Memory right now can feel very foggy.  To help me in the first few months I started a document on my tablet.   It's a list of everything about her as I remember it.  Favorite foods, music, books, travel, hobbies, likes, dislikes, names of her stuffed animals,  etc.   It brought me some comfort that I could actually remember her and long term the small detail of her life would not be forgotten. 

I like this. I think I may do the same.

[KayC]

I've been w/o my husband and lived alone for 16+ years now, so my dog was my everything.  2+ years ago I took him for a routine teeth cleaning and instead came away with inoperable cancer diagnosis, his liver shutting down.  He'd gotten a clean bill of health at his physical just two weeks prior!  How did they miss this!!!  
It helped me to write about him, in a way immortalizing him and letting the world know what an important being lived and the world now lost.  You might try something like that with your spouse...

Example: