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Depression before and after a visit


Michael M

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Michael, I can relate, although I'm fairly used to it by now, but it's still not what I would have chosen for my life, had I had a choice.  I wanted to be married.  Sigh...

I'm glad your friend visited, but sorry it accentuated your aloneness when he left.  :wub:

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@Michael M  Totally get this - working online also and being an introvert too.  I'm sorry things are tough and you feel depressed, Michael.  I can relate to that.   I have the radio on all the time.  I listen to radio shows that focus on afterlife science and grieving and I've found them to be a life line, just like this forum.  Lucky for me we have a pet cat and that has also helped.  My apartment is quite small (the feeling of being physically alone at home is not too overwhelming )  and I live in a megacity overseas.  In some weird way being surrounded by tens of millions of strangers is somehow comforting.

My grief counselor suggested that isolation is in fact OK -- just not TOO much isolation.  I try to be around other people at least 2 times a week. Sometimes it's just once a week. I try not to be hard on myself.

 

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10 hours ago, Michael M said:

Since my wife died I am alone pretty much all the time.  No one visits me.  My therapist has me reaching out to people to try but I am an introvert by nature.  Work used to be one of my major contacts with other people but we have been working from home for the last 21 months so I only see work people electronically.   I get depressed that I am alone.  No family and it seems most my friends have moved away or don't seem to want to spend time with me.  So I am depressed.   Today however, a friend drove 3 hours today to spend time with me.  In part I think he felt guilty about not visiting.   In any case he stayed 4-5 hours and we went for lunch and ran an errand.  It was nice.   Now that he is gone though, I feel even more depressed.   It just emphasizes I am alone.  Not sure which is worse.  Having no one visit or having someone visit and then leave.  The house is so quiet.

Michael, I have experienced this same thing.  Being alone in my house can make me feel so lonely sometimes.  But, like you, I'm an introvert by nature.  I'm retired, and have been for several years, so meeting other people is even harder.  My son and his wife, and at least one of his kids have dinner with me every Tuesday, and at least once on the weekend.  Sometimes, as I shut the door when they leave, I feel very alone.  But, I really enjoy the visits, and wouldn't trade them for the world!  To be honest, they're just about the only visitors I ever have. 

1 hour ago, Jemiga70 said:

@Michael M 

My grief counselor suggested that isolation is in fact OK -- just not TOO much isolation.  I try to be around other people at least 2 times a week. Sometimes it's just once a week. I try not to be hard on myself.

 

Jemiga, you are so fortunate to have found a grief counselor who lets you be you.  The one that Hospice assigned to me didn't work out.  She just kept telling me that I need to get out there and meet people.  Keep in mind, the first time I talked to her was 3 weeks after Paul's passing.  Getting dressed in the morning was an accomplishment at that point!  She said I needed to reinvent myself, and be more outgoing.  It's not that easy!  Even without grief, it was hard.  I have social anxiety issues, which I pointed out to her.  She didn't seem to think that was a problem.  I didn't schedule a third appointment with her, and told her I'd call the office if I felt I needed to talk again.  Now, I'm looking around for a new counselor.

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56 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

Jemiga, you are so fortunate to have found a grief counselor who lets you be you.  The one that Hospice assigned to me didn't work out.  She just kept telling me that I need to get out there and meet people.  Keep in mind, the first time I talked to her was 3 weeks after Paul's passing.  Getting dressed in the morning was an accomplishment at that point!  She said I needed to reinvent myself, and be more outgoing.  It's not that easy!  Even without grief, it was hard.  I have social anxiety issues, which I pointed out to her.  She didn't seem to think that was a problem.  I didn't schedule a third appointment with her, and told her I'd call the office if I felt I needed to talk again.  Now, I'm looking around for a new counselor.

One of the things my grief counselor is trying to do is help me understand what things I am dealing with are grief based and what are older pre-existing issues resurfacing.   She feels qualified to help me with my grief issues.   She has also suggested something like a life coach might help with my pre-existing people issues.   I don't make friends easily, etc.  I am considering it for the new year.  Use the right tool for the right job.  I also in the 90s used to see a therapist to help me with stress and life direction.  It was very beneficial. 

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2 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

My apartment is quite small (the feeling of being physically alone at home is not too overwhelming )  and I live in a megacity overseas.  In some weird way being surrounded by tens of millions of strangers is somehow comforting.

I am totally opposite.   I live in a city of about 150,000.  In my neighborhood most houses sit on an acre of land.  The house is way to big for me now.  I literally don't use 5 of the rooms on the average day.  Heh heh, but I do have to clean them periodically. 

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Michael,  I’ve had my son’s dog for 11 years:). Since my wife passed, he has been a good buddy.  My divorced neighbor just got a dog. He said he was preparing to be an empty nester soon .

It looks like you have a very good grief counselor. We all have our issues, but the grief can certainly magnify them. I’m glad you are working through things. 
 

steve
 

 

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57 minutes ago, SSC said:

like Michael M, being with a friend is enjoyable but the letdown after is so depressing and a obvious reminder of how alone we are.

So very true, but the letdowns will diminish and you will start looking forward to more visits, and start visiting others yourself. 

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1 hour ago, steveb said:

Michael,  I’ve had my son’s dog for 11 years:). Since my wife passed, he has been a good buddy.  My divorced neighbor just got a dog. He said he was preparing to be an empty nester soon .

It looks like you have a very good grief counselor. We all have our issues, but the grief can certainly magnify them. I’m glad you are working through things. 
 

steve
 

 

I am not in the right frame of mind to be caring for a new pet.  Wouldn't be fair for either of us.  It would probably end up neurotic.

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Michael you sound a lot like me.  I only had one close friend and I lost her eleven years ago.  I could never make close friends and I don't really understand exactly why that is.  I only had him and was so dependent on his companionship but he was all I needed.  We did everything together and had so much fun.  Now he is gone and the loneliness is the hardest thing Ive had to deal with. He actually was the opposite and had many friends and family so I've been trying to keep in touch and hang out with a couple of them that I trust.  Hopefully I don't end up pushing them away or they disappear.  I do have my adult disabled daughter to keep me company and two kittens I found on that same horrible day.  The kittens can be so mischievous that they stress me out so much I just want to get rid of them but don't have the heart.  They have actually helped me out tremendously by making me laugh and keeping me busy.  So one day I hope you would be able to get a pet.  I recommend an adult and trained one.  

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15 hours ago, Michael M said:

I am totally opposite.   I live in a city of about 150,000.  In my neighborhood most houses sit on an acre of land.  The house is way to big for me now.  I literally don't use 5 of the rooms on the average day.  Heh heh, but I do have to clean them periodically. 

Michael, I am in the same situation as you - rural area, my yard is surrounded by tall pine trees and you can hardly see the house from the dead end road. I don’t know any of the neighbors even though I’ve been living here for 8 years now. Your loss sounds more recent than mine so I can report that I have gotten used to living alone and in isolation, but early on I had the strong urge to just abandon and leave. At the same time I couldn’t imagine myself living someplace where I had no memories of my husband and our life together. He passed early in the pandemic and I had already been working from home, so that at least spared me the anxiety of having to put a mask for my coworkers, and I could cry my heart out in front of the computer. Our cat has been a savior as a living soul around me. When desperate to see people I would just go to a mall or a store. I play music or the radio all the time, still can’t bear the silence in the house. I have been fortunate to be able to talk with my mom on the phone every day, my dad passed just 4 months before my husband, so we found ourselves widowed at the same time and that made for a different kind of mother-daughter bond.

I am so sorry for your loss, this forum has been a refuge for me. I hope you find what works for you to get through this pain. It does get easier with time, not because I miss my soulmate less, I just get used to living without his physical presence by embracing his soul deeper. Peace!

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On 11/28/2021 at 1:16 AM, widower2 said:

I'm very sorry for your loss and the intense loneliness. Been there. I don't have any family I'm close to and so-called friends disappeared. I have the TV on all the time now just for some background noise. 

Two ideas:

1.  A pet. No, it's not the same as a person obviously, but having "someone" in the house vs being totally alone can make a big difference. A cat, a dog, whatever. 

2. Meetup.com. This is sort of a standardized online template that allows local people to create their own social groups of ALL kinds, based on age, social interests, whatever. There are even widow/widower groups. Of course this all varies depending on what area you live in. But it's worth a look. Most groups have little to no cost and there's no pressure on how much or how little you get involved. I know you said you're an introvert, but if the loneliness is that bad, it's worth a try.

Widower, those are now the two things that keep me going. Thank you for this! I always had the pet and he has been a lifeline in this grief journey, but recently discovered Meetup.com. At first I went there to find buddies for activities like hiking and bicycling but then joined a dedicated singles over 50 group. And it’s local so you can meet like-minded people in person. They organize beach walks, park walks, concert going, etc. Great app.

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On 11/29/2021 at 4:56 AM, Maria_PI said:

Widower, those are now the two things that keep me going. Thank you for this! I always had the pet and he has been a lifeline in this grief journey, but recently discovered Meetup.com. At first I went there to find buddies for activities like hiking and bicycling but then joined a dedicated singles over 50 group. And it’s local so you can meet like-minded people in person. They organize beach walks, park walks, concert going, etc. Great app.

Glad they are both helping! Did a lot for me too. 

On 11/29/2021 at 9:46 AM, KayC said:

Having a dog is a must for me.  Kodie keeps me above ground.

That's what I'd looked for but alas couldn't find, they had issues (biting), my son brought me a puppy and he has been God's special gift to me ever since!  He wasn't hard to housebreak and only "chewed" something besides his toys when teething (the carpet, but hey it needs to go anyway, I bought rugs for now), he's really been good and is amazing company!

Kodie 050520 sm.jpg

What a sweet face! Huskie?

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A miniature one, he's a Klee Kai, 20 lbs grown.  Huskies are my favorite dogs but then I love all dogs, but I knew I couldn't handle a large dog anymore, this little guy could take me to age 83 (in my family we live into our 90s) as they live up to 16 years.  Hoping for that!

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I agree with everyone else on the pet.. I've been so lonely, the quiet is the worst. I constantly have something playing in the background to not have to face the silence..

I am adopting a senior cat at the end of the month (owners on vacation) and It is something really nice to look forward too.. it's something to love, and take care of, and animals love us back. I used to have a bearded dragon as a companion, I had him 15 years, and he did everything with me. We also had a cat that passed at 18, he was smart and so lovey.. Lost both of them and my love in just a couple years.

My elderly father has an elderly cat, he is such a broken man, but that cat relaxes him in a way that nothing else does. I even see him smile when his kitty is around.

 

 

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I'm so glad you're getting a cat!  I lost 25 year old Kitty just 4 1/2 months after losing Arlie, I'd lost Miss Mocha three years before, so our "family of four" became just me.  I'm very thankful to have Kodie now.  Let us know how it goes with your cat!

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm so glad you're getting a cat!  I lost 25 year old Kitty just 4 1/2 months after losing Arlie, I'd lost Miss Mocha three years before, so our "family of four" became just me.  I'm very thankful to have Kodie now.  Let us know how it goes with your cat!

And loosing pets really is like loosing family members, especially when the bond is close.. We lost them, and had to endure a horrible move at the same time. We were living in an unsafe place with an unsafe person.. I at least got 2 more wonderful, yet hard, years with my love.

25 years for a kitty, that is impressive. So nice to be able to have so many years. :) Sweet fur babys.

I will update how things go with kitty. I bought everything needed and more already, so I am just waiting as patiently as possible now.


 

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@KayC  Incredible!  Never heard of a cat living to 25. (My cat -- our cat -- is just 9 and a half.)

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On 12/5/2021 at 7:19 AM, KayC said:

My Kitty had quite a life story...

 

 

Wow, that is indeed quite a story. Tough kitty. So sad you and her were abandoned together, but at the same time it was nice he brought her to you for you to have each other, and her not be fully abandoned again.. Like a little tiny kernel of conscience. 

My fathers cat was an abandoned and abused tom, and he just walked into my dads place one day, sat down in the doorway, and never left. It was the best thing that could have happened for him at the time, being older, disabled, alone, and in chronic pain.

Animals are such blessings.

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