Lost my fiancé suddenly- I don't know what to do with myself

[SonnySideUp]

I lost my fiancé last April and have been in a fog ever since. He's presumed dead; missing, but you know what they say about people who are missing this long. I'll never know for sure. We were together for almost a decade, engaged for two years, and the last thing I remember talking to him about was our wedding cake. We weren't even able to see each other that much the last two years because of the pandemic. And now I'll never see him again. I keep dissociating. I feel hollow. I don't even know what language to use - am I widow? We weren't married. He's only presumed dead. The uncertainty is killing me. I've been writing a little to cope but nothing really feels worth it anymore.

[KayC]

Put whatever you want down on the forms except tax returns/legal documents.  It's how YOU feel in your heart..  I am so sorry for your loss!  Welcome here, a place where others "get it" and understand and care.  This is like a family of sorts, we're here for each other as we go through this, no matter how long it's been or how we choose to handle it.

I hope you will keep coming here and reading/posting, it helps our processing.  Have you seen a grief counselor?  This is the hardest thing I've ever tried to make my way through...it's been 16 1/2 years for me now.  Somehow we get through it, for me it's doing one day at a time...still.

Grief Process
Articles-Marty's
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[tnd]

On 11/26/2021 at 10:43 AM, SonnySideUp said:

I lost my fiancé last April and have been in a fog ever since. He's presumed dead; missing, but you know what they say about people who are missing this long. I

SonnySideUp:  I'm sorry for your loss and the grief you are left to deal with now. It is quite painful to lose our other half. Keep writing, it's a good way to cope. And come here when you need the support. We are all going through it ourselves so we understand.  

[SonnySideUp]

On 11/27/2021 at 9:45 PM, tnd said:

SonnySideUp:  I'm sorry for your loss and the grief you are left to deal with now. It is quite painful to lose our other half. Keep writing, it's a good way to cope. And come here when you need the support. We are all going through it ourselves so we understand.  

Thank you. Writing is definitely helping me a lot. It gives me something to disappear into while I process everything. I still feel really numb, but luckily I have a pretty good support system. A lot of them don't know what to say and some others don't really understand because it's such a weird - for lack of a better term - circumstance.

[SonnySideUp]

@KayC thank you for that post. I fortunately didn't have to deal with too many legal documents in this case, but yes, I definitely feel like the best language for me to use is "widow," as we were set to get married soon, and I had been with him for so long. I've been looking for a grief counselor but it's a bit complicated as the ones near me cost more than I can afford and because of the ongoing pandemic, I'm not really comfortable going anywhere in person yet, so finding online support is what I've been focusing on lately. The article was helpful, too, thank you. I'm living with my sibling right now, and they have a cat, and she's very sweet and likes to cuddle, so that helps. I've been trying to take myself out to do things we used to like to do together. There's a really nice park near where we live that he and I used to walk in a lot; I haven't been there since last year so I'm thinking of going there again soon. I have a lot of hobbies I'm throwing myself into that I've neglected to try and get myself to focus on something else for a little while. I read an entire run of a comic book recently, and it's the first time I've been able to read a story of any sort in about a year. It's just hard when something innocuous comes up and inevitably reminds me of him and then I feel myself spiral all over again.

[KayC]

I just posted these and funny, the "writing" comes up!  
Writing As a Healing Tool in Grief
Writing in Grief

I'm glad you get some emotional support from your sister's cat!  I hope it's a very supportive place for you to be as this can knock the strongest person down.