As the holidays approach

[Michael M]

My wfie died in the spring of this year.  I am experiencing what my therapist calls a year of firsts.  I am very aware of the impending holidays and am finding the closer I get to them the more times I am experiencing moodiness, irritability and generally being out of sorts mentally and physically.  I was finally sleeping 6-8 hours a night with the help of some melotonin, but now its rolling back to more like 4-5 hours and waking up every hour or so.  Part of what is bothering me is I can find no one to spend the holidays with.  Odds are I will be completely alone.  It has over 30 years since I was alone like this and I am not sure I am coping well with it.

[Yoli]

Michael, no one with an ounce of compassion would expect you to be coping well with it. Trouble is, alot of people's compassion has a 'Use By' date. The firsts do suck, the whole situation sucks.

I had the luxury of spending my first Christmas with family. I sincerely hope that you find people spend time with. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry...this is tough no matter how you do it.  I wouldn't have bothered with a tree if my kids hadn't wanted one...that was 16 years ago, but now I'm alone, totally and always.  I put up a tree in honor of my husband, it's a memory tree with the ornaments that were special to us both, it was very hard to get it put up, I struggled as I've lost most of the strength in my hands and they hurt all the time, at one point it fell and I had a hard time getting it back up!  Not sure how long I can keep doing this, but for this year, it's done. 

Do whatever seems right to you...no easy answers..
Holiday Coping: Suggested Resources 2015
Holiday grief
Holiday Tips
Therapists Predict How The Holidays Will Affect Our Mental Health | HuffPost Life

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Michael M said:

My wfie died in the spring of this year.

Michael, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish with you that she was still here and you could be enjoying her instead of being on a grief site.  IIt was a grief site like this that literally saved me when I went through it as friends all disappeared overnight and family didn't get it, they still had their spouses.

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Carol34]

If you had asked me 6 months ago...or even 6 weeks ago...I would have told you that I was not going to put up a tree, and Christmas would be very minimal this year.  But, next weekend my grandson and his girlfriend are driving down to visit, and they promised to get all of the decorations down from the garage attic for me.  The hard financial truth is that I'll have to sell this house...the one we spent 20 years in...in the spring.  I can't afford to keep it.  But, my grandkids are going to get one last Christmas here.  And it will give me an opportunity to go through the decorations, and only keep what I will need in whatever apartment I end up in. 

Thanksgiving is another matter.  I'm spending it alone at my house.  My son's family will be at his in-laws, as is the tradition (and I'm fine with it).  My husband and I never made a big deal about Thanksgiving, so it's not going to be as hard for me as it will for others.  At least that's how I'm thinking today about it.

[Michael M]

4 hours ago, cmp34 said:

If you had asked me 6 months ago...or even 6 weeks ago...I would have told you that I was not going to put up a tree, and Christmas would be very minimal this year.  

I plan to put up the tree but not decorate the house.  Follow some small traditions like a wreath, etc.  Don't know if I will do Xmas cards or not.  Might not bake either.  Odds are I will be alone.  So keeping it simple is what will work for me.

[Sparky1]

Michael, I am also very sorry for your loss. I feel for you being alone, as I live alone too, and I keep thinking about it as well. I've had maybe a couple of visits since my wife passed away in October of last year. It hurts very much, and from my wife's family I get the  ' we're afraid of coming there, cause she's not there.' My brother lives 5 minutes away and has invited me over his house once for dinner. My sister lives a little farther and she's invited me once also. I'll probably end up spending Christmas and New year's at my MIL just like last year. What really gets my goat is that in case of an emergency I better call 911 before I call family or friends, at least they're more reliable. Losing my wife has devasted me in more ways than one, and I dread thinking of what it will be like in about 15 years or so when I can't do much of anything by myself.

I haven't put up any decorations or a tree, and if I do it might just be a little artificial tree that my wife and I put up since the grandkids would play too close to the big one. It just isn't the same without my wife.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, cmp34 said:

Thanksgiving is another matter.  I'm spending it alone at my house.  My son's family will be at his in-laws, as is the tradition (and I'm fine with it).  My husband and I never made a big deal about Thanksgiving, so it's not going to be as hard for me as it will for others.  At least that's how I'm thinking today about it.

My sister bought a turkey t.v. dinner.  I'm waiting to hear from my kids if I'm invited, otherwise I'll probably just stay home.  My church invited me but with my dietary needs all I could eat is the turkey, I don't need surrounded by everyone eating carbs.  If I do stay home I may make Keto Pumpkin Mug Cakes and take to my sister's house for dessert. Recipe here if anyone's alone and interested:

Keto Pumpkin Mug Cake
INGREDIENTS

• ·         2 Tbsp melted butter
• ·         1 egg
• ·         2 Tbsp pumpkin puree
• ·         2 Tbsp almond flour
• ·         1 Tbsp coconut flour
• ·         2 Tbsp sweetener, like Swerve granulated
• ·         1/2 tsp baking powder
• ·         1/4 tsp cinnamon
• ·         1/8 tsp nutmeg
• ·         1/8 tsp ginger
• ·         pinch cloves
• ·         pinch salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1.   In a large coffee mug, add melted butter, egg, and pumpkin puree. Mix well.

2.   Add the dry ingredients: almond flour, coconut flour, sweetener, baking powder, spices, and salt. Mix well.

3.   Microwave on high for 60-90 seconds. Depending on your microwave and the size of your mug, the cooking time will vary. If after 90 seconds, your mug cake is still undercooked, microwave it for an additional 30 seconds.

4.   Optionally, top with Keto whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

18 hours ago, Michael M said:

So keeping it simple is what will work for me.

  Sounds good to me!

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

What really gets my goat is that in case of an emergency I better call 911 before I call family or friends, at least they're more reliable.

I hear you!

[Carol34]

For the past 40+ years, I've sat down on the day after Thanksgiving, and addressed Christmas cards.  So, that was on my to-do list for today.  I got out the cards, address book, stamps, etc.  When I started writing inside the first one, it hit me.  These cards are only going to say, "Carol" and not " Paul and Carol".  I put everything away, grabbed my soft blanket and a cup of tea, and headed for the couch.  I'm only 7 weeks into this, so I'm very raw.  I understand that there are going to be a lot of "firsts" over the next year or two, but this one hit me hard!  The cards I had ordered say, "That First Christmas" on the front.  They're about the actual first Christmas...not my first Christmas without him.  But when I read those words, I just collapsed in tears!  How did the rest of you handle this?  Please don't tell me not to mail them out.  It's a tradition I would really like to keep up, but I know it's going to be hard to sign only my name.

[Michael M]

5 hours ago, cmp34 said:

For the past 40+ years, I've sat down on the day after Thanksgiving, and addressed Christmas cards.  So, that was on my to-do list for today.  I got out the cards, address book, stamps, etc.  When I started writing inside the first one, it hit me.  These cards are only going to say, "Carol" and not " Paul and Carol".  I put everything away, grabbed my soft blanket and a cup of tea, and headed for the couch.  I'm only 7 weeks into this, so I'm very raw.  I understand that there are going to be a lot of "firsts" over the next year or two, but this one hit me hard!  The cards I had ordered say, "That First Christmas" on the front.  They're about the actual first Christmas...not my first Christmas without him.  But when I read those words, I just collapsed in tears!  How did the rest of you handle this?  Please don't tell me not to mail them out.  It's a tradition I would really like to keep up, but I know it's going to be hard to sign only my name.

My therapist would say do them if you want to do them but also don't be afraid to make new traditions.   Maybe you mail them out in small batches instead of all at once. I would sometimes sign them Happy Holidays from the <my last name> family.   Something like that would include both you and your loved ones spirit.  Personally this year I don't know if I will send any or not.  I always addressed them every year and then we split them up.  I think if I do, I will still draw a small snow man on each one.  That part was very much me and though it is hard to believe sometimes ... I am still here.  We will see what the days ahead decide.  Do what feels right for you.  Give yourself permission to let this year be different if that's what you need.  If that means buying new cards then buy them.  My therapist reminds me that I can always change my mind about decisions I make.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, cmp34 said:

How did the rest of you handle this?

It was very hard, and I didn't want to do it, but we'd already planned our Christmas cards (I make them) and since George loved to fish, it had a fishing bauble that read "Merry Christmas"...amid some water.  I went ahead and made them in honor of him, but included a newsletter informing those who didn't already know that he had passed.  I don't recall what I said, I just remember how hard it was.  My heart goes out to you.

Now that I've had so many hand injuries, I've had to let go of this and cut my list from 50 down to six (close family), I just can't do it.  I send out Jacquie Lawson e-cards, most people don't even open/view them. 

12 hours ago, Michael M said:

Do what feels right for you.  Give yourself permission to let this year be different if that's what you need.  If that means buying new cards then buy them.  My therapist reminds me that I can always change my mind about decisions I make.  

I so agree with this!

[Carol34]

Michael and KayC, thank you.  I think I'll wait another week and see how I feel then.  I had an uneventful Thanksgiving, and then found myself sobbing uncontrollably when I went to bed that night.  Trying to send out Christmas cards the next day probably wasn't my best choice.  I only send cards to less than 20 people, and they're all either relatives or very close friends, so they all know about Paul's passing.  If I can't do it next weekend, I'll put them away til next year.  Thanks again for your input. 

Michael, your therapist makes a lot of sense. This is coming from someone who changes decisions 20 times a day.  It's nice to know that it's ok!

[KayC]

Good, be easy on yourself, patient, understanding, whatever feels best to YOU!

[Carol34]

So, my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter came over this evening.  My grandson and his girlfriend drove the 3 hours from the little town where they live, and joined us too.  Abby (the girlfriend) told me that her grandpa passed away last year, right before Christmas.  Her grandmother still sent the cards out...and wrote both of their names on them.  She said he was with her in spirit, and anyone who thought she was wrong should let her know...so she can leave them off this year's list!  I like her spunk!  It made me feel good to hear that someone else felt the same way I do.  I want to send them, and I want his name on them too.  Even if it's just for this year. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, cmp34 said:

She said he was with her in spirit, and anyone who thought she was wrong should let her know...so she can leave them off this year's list! 

I absolutely LOVE this!  Her grandma is someone I would want to know, I love her already!!!  Seriously, get her on this group, we could use her spunk and wit!  ;))

I also love that your grandson & GF drove all that way to see you, I don't have that from my family, instead I alway have to drive the three hours to my son's and three hours back.  It's getting to be a lot the older I get.

[Carol34]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I absolutely LOVE this!  Her grandma is someone I would want to know, I love her already!!!  Seriously, get her on this group, we could use her spunk and wit!  ;))

I also love that your grandson & GF drove all that way to see you, I don't have that from my family, instead I alway have to drive the three hours to my son's and three hours back.  It's getting to be a lot the older I get.

I will mention it to Abby when I see her next. 

Yes, I'm blessed that my grandson comes to see me.  He's 22, and has always been good about keeping in touch with me.  When he was in high school, he played baseball, and with two working parents, it was hard to find a ride to the games sometimes. I was happy to drive him all over the state of Ohio to get to his games.  Now, he drives into town to see me.   My son raised all three of his kids (22, 18, and 10) with a sense of family, and I'm very thankful that he did.  Even the 10 year old visited Hospice every evening while Paul was there.  And both girls are always asking if they can come over and help me with things.  My daughter is 2300 miles away in Seattle, but she calls every couple of days. 

Back to the cards...I decided this morning that I'm going to send them, and sign both of our names.  I'm also including this note in each card: 

This year was a difficult one for our family. Losing Paul left a huge hole in my life, and I’m sure you feel it too. Remembering his kind, giving nature, and his loving heart is what keeps me going. So, I’ve signed this year’s cards from both of us, in hopes that you too will carry his spirit with you...finding joy, love, and especially humor, in the little things.

With blessings, and hope for a safe, happy, and healthy year for all of us.

[KayC]

That sounds beautiful and perfect and conveys your heart.  You have done well with your family...well deserved and earned. 

[DMB]

That's a beautiful message, cmp.   Your story touched me.  I know I am one that isn't sending out holiday cards.  I was going to a graduation and the moment I realized I couldn't sign his name, I had one of those hysterical crying attacks.  In front of my daughter and hubs sister too.  Cards are hard!  Glad you're sending them out.

[widower2]

On 11/20/2021 at 3:35 PM, Michael M said:

My wfie died in the spring of this year.  I am experiencing what my therapist calls a year of firsts.  I am very aware of the impending holidays and am finding the closer I get to them the more times I am experiencing moodiness, irritability and generally being out of sorts mentally and physically.  I was finally sleeping 6-8 hours a night with the help of some melotonin, but now its rolling back to more like 4-5 hours and waking up every hour or so.  Part of what is bothering me is I can find no one to spend the holidays with.  Odds are I will be completely alone.  It has over 30 years since I was alone like this and I am not sure I am coping well with it.

I'm so sorry. There will be highs and lows and all in-betweens; it's OK, allow for that. As for sleeping, sounds like you're doing a lot better than me when I was at that stage, so give yourself some credit. And it makes total sense that the holidays would be harder. I've spent my share of holidays alone....the alternative is a long, lonely drive up to family I'm not close to and a long, lonely drive back. What a choice, eh? I start dreading this holiday before Halloween is even here. January is a big "whew" because now the holidays are a long ways off and before long I have warmer days with more daylight to look forward to. Anyway - 

If you do end up spending it alone, I suggest trying to find things to fill the time. Movies, hobbies, some house project maybe, a little drive along some backroads to get out of the house, whatever. I think it just helps to "keep moving" some way or the other! 

 

[CatL]

I'm in my second Xmas without him, but I was always the one that sent out the holiday cards so I got them out the day after Thanksgiving. But as for the season, that is harder. The time from Thanksgiving until Christmas was always difficult. Hubby's father had passed on Christmas day, so he wasn't a big fan of the holiday. But then he always wanted to do something. So I've put up wreaths and put out fake pointsettias. It looks great, and didn't take too long. But that's as far as I got, and probably as far as I'll get. I don't really want to stay home alone Christmas day. And we don't have much in the way of family around. Hubby had a few members but they never really got to know me well. I go see them when they invite me, but they are older, battling health issues, etc. So I don't really know what I'll do this year. But I know sitting at home staring at "our" four walls at home, is enough to make me cry just thinking about it.

What to do, what to do, what to do???? I haven't a clue. I still miss him, and being alone the rest of the time is one thing, but holidays are about love, family, togetherness. And I don't have that anymore. I don't know what I'll do. I really don't. But I will find a way to get through this time of year. For me, this is always the start of the toughest times. We don't forget, it just doesn't happen that way. It just doesn't.

I wish I had more suggestions, but I don't. I'm trying to figure this being alone life too.

[KayC]

Honor yourself above all, your feelings are valid, try not to do something because you feel you "have to."   Only if you want to.  There's no rules during grief.  

[Carol34]

We decided this weekend that we'll be celebrating our family Christmas the weekend before Christmas.  It's always at my house, but I work around everyone's work and travel schedules.  The 18th worked for everyone.  It will just my son's family, my stepdaughter and her boyfriend...and me.  So, that means that I'll probably spend the actual Christmas Day alone.  Well, I'm pretty sure my son and his family will stop by at some point, and my sister that lives in town might too.  Before this year, on Christmas Day we would serve appetizers and snacks all day, with people coming and going from noon til midnight.  All in all, there would normally be 20-30 people stopping by.  But, most of them were Paul's brothers and sister and their families.  None of them have stopped by since the day after he passed.  And, as close as I thought we all were, they haven't even checked to see how I'm doing.  And one of them lives 3 miles away.  So I doubt they'll stop by on Christmas. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you'll be alone, maybe you could buy a plate of appetizers "in case" someone stops by, but maybe low key is easier.  I've worked (volunteer) on Christmas, TG too, been home alone on both, it does seem to accentuate how alone we are, not my preference, but also stress-free.  It's VERY hard going to my son's for things as he's three hours away and winter roads/weather can be bad here, milder at his house, it's always on ME to do the driving and make the effort to be there.  Honestly, I liked it better when the kids came home and all I had to do was cook/clean for them!  That was doable.  I feel like expecting me to travel all the time is a hardship I don't like.  I did it on TG, will see how it materializes for Christmas, we never know one day to the next.

I'm very sorry his family has not made effort.  My husband's has not at all, but that's not surprising either. 

 

[Michael M]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm very sorry his family has not made effort.  My husband's has not at all, but that's not surprising either. 

 

My wife's family has made zero effort.  Other than one niece and her aunt she would have hoped better from, she would be happy the crazy drama in her family has stayed away from me.  I expected better from our neice as well since she claimed my wife as her surrogate mother.  She has basically done nothing to help.  Really disappointed but also not entirely unexpected since she often neglected my wife as well.

[Michael M]

I know a variety of folks have talked about Christmas cards.  I made up my mind to send them out.  In the day we would mail 75-100 cards.   The number has dwindled a bit.  36 cards ready to be mailed.  I decided to sign both our names.  Instead of my usual lengthy prose and individualized content I just wrote "Peace be with you" on almost all the cards.  Simple is good for me right now.  I did draw my signature snow man on each card though.   Silly but it's me and I am still here.  I will plead guilty to putting my wife's return address labels on a bunch of them and sending them to certain people who I feel need to remember her.  Her dark sense of humor would approve.

[KayC]

I bought five handmade ones to send to my sisters and kids, may find one to send to my brother but he never sends them or calls...

Beyond that, no.  My hands hurt all the time so writing is painful.

[Carol34]

Today is our family Christmas.  For me, getting immersed in the preparation for it (it's at my house), has been therapeutic.  I've had a long list of things to accomplish each day for the past couple of weeks.  And as I've been baking, shopping (mostly online), wrapping and planning, I've kept a constant conversation going with Paul.  I know we're all different, but as long as I have something else to focus on, I seem to make it through the day better.  It's the days when I wake up and have nothing planned that I have a hard time.

Anyway, it's just a small gathering.  My son and his wife and their girls (10 and 18), their son (21) and his girlfriend, and Paul's daughter (26...the one I refer to as our youngest) and her boyfriend.  There will be good food, lots of shared memories, laughter and tears.  He would have wanted me to carry on the traditions.  Yes, it will be hard with 9 at the table, instead of 10.  But he will be here in spirit, in the stories we tell today, in the memories we share, and in our hearts.

[Emily C]

On 11/20/2021 at 3:35 PM, Michael M said:

My wfie died in the spring of this year.  I am experiencing what my therapist calls a year of firsts.  I am very aware of the impending holidays and am finding the closer I get to them the more times I am experiencing moodiness, irritability and generally being out of sorts mentally and physically.  I was finally sleeping 6-8 hours a night with the help of some melotonin, but now its rolling back to more like 4-5 hours and waking up every hour or so.  Part of what is bothering me is I can find no one to spend the holidays with.  Odds are I will be completely alone.  It has over 30 years since I was alone like this and I am not sure I am coping well with it.

I lost my husband unexpectedly this month. We were married for 34 years. I am not sure if you have ever joined a support group but I encourage you to consider that. Many are feeling alone during the holiday season and support groups can help carry you through. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, cmp34 said:

Today is our family Christmas.  For me, getting immersed in the preparation for it (it's at my house), has been therapeutic.

I'm glad you'll have that much needed distraction and a favorable one at that, getting to be with your family.  I hope you have a great day today.

                                                                                                                                

31 minutes ago, Emily C said:

I lost my husband unexpectedly this month.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is very fresh and that you've found a support group so soon is amazing!  I agree, they can be very helpful, I've led them and we grew very close and I enjoyed doing it.  It's harder with Covid now but I hope to again.

Welcome here, it's a good place to be with others that get it and understand.

Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Michael M]

2 hours ago, Emily C said:

I lost my husband unexpectedly this month. We were married for 34 years. I am not sure if you have ever joined a support group but I encourage you to consider that. Many are feeling alone during the holiday season and support groups can help carry you through. 

Thanks for the advice.  I tried this route and the whole support group experience was lame.   It wasn't managed well and covid restrictions kept us isolated.   It was only for a set 6 week period.   After that we would be on our own to stay in touch.  I reached out to several of the more receptive participants but quickly it came to nothing.   Everyone was focused on their own situation and didn't feel like maintaining the group or really being supported by or supporting anybody else in the group.  Maybe I will try again post covid.

[CatL]

I made plans, did my best, but it looks like this Christmas I spend alone. Its the first time I can recall I've ever not been with someone, family or friends, but always its been with someone else. This Christmas, like it or not I will spend alone, just me and my dog. My Christmas will be small, I've got my dogs some presents, I've got myself a small roast so I will eat. I didn't put up a tree, originally I wasn't going to be in town. But travel plans got canceled. I'm doing my best to keep my spirits up. It just seems strange to spend this family holiday alone. I guess I'll watch football. Just me and my dog.

[KayC]

It's looking like I'll be alone too @CatL only no presents.  But I have my dog, although he's been sick since Monday, couldn't even get a vet to make an appt or ER hospital to look at him!  Everyone is booked or closed.

I will be okay although a wee bit depressed, so long as I have Kodie (my dog).  Snow canceled our plans, I will miss seeing my grandkids and children.  It's been 16 1/2 years I've been alone, it doesn't seem I'm every 100% "used to it," it was never my preference, but I do my best with it.  I don't care much what I eat though, I eat for my health now so it is what it is. 

I hope you'll have phone calls and know you're cared about, I'm very sorry your plans got cancelled.  It seems much harder to me for those earlier in grief than me, a seasoned veteran.

[Michael M]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't care much what I eat though, I eat for my health now so it is what it is. 

It's never to late to try something different.   I am doing beef sukiyaki for xmas dinner.

[CatL]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

 I don't care much what I eat though, I eat for my health now so it is what it is.

I finally joined a Cooking for One Facebook page to help my eating. I had too many times I just didn't eat. I've done crackers and tea for dinner, not the best. But I admit, I still miss cooking for my hubby. He always loved my cooking. Sometimes I wish I even just knew someone willing to eat with me, but everyone I know is a couple, married, lives with someone. They may like my cooking, but the just don't have time. I admit I miss my hubby, no one to cook for.

[Michael M]

1 hour ago, CatL said:

I finally joined a Cooking for One Facebook page to help my eating. I had too many times I just didn't eat. I've done crackers and tea for dinner, not the best. But I admit, I still miss cooking for my hubby. He always loved my cooking. Sometimes I wish I even just knew someone willing to eat with me, but everyone I know is a couple, married, lives with someone. They may like my cooking, but the just don't have time. I admit I miss my hubby, no one to cook for.

I did most the cooking.  I end up freezing meals now that it's just me.  She did all the baking.   This time of year she would bake cookies, cup cakes, etc.  I am really missing that.   I hate baking.   It's too unforgiving.   So I bought pre-made sugar cookie dough.  I will use the Christmas cookie cutters and have something that reminds me of how much we enjoyed the holidays together.   Assuming I actually do it.  

[Carol34]

2 hours ago, CatL said:

I finally joined a Cooking for One Facebook page to help my eating. I had too many times I just didn't eat. I've done crackers and tea for dinner, not the best. But I admit, I still miss cooking for my hubby. He always loved my cooking. Sometimes I wish I even just knew someone willing to eat with me, but everyone I know is a couple, married, lives with someone. They may like my cooking, but the just don't have time. I admit I miss my hubby, no one to cook for.

I miss cooking for my husband too.  Although I am allergic to meat, I still cooked it every night for him.  I'm fortunate that my son and his wife and at least one of my grandkids come over on Tuesdays and one weekend night.  So, I still get to cook for people who like my cooking.  The other 5 days, I either have a can of soup or something simple like eggs and toast or a frozen dinner.  A few times, I've made a big pot of homemade soup and eaten it all week.  When Paul was sick, I bought a couple of cookbooks that have recipes for people on limited budgets.  Now that I'm on a pretty tight fixed income, I might need to start looking through them. 

[KayC]

I just backed up my recipe files....discovered I have 162 recipes, nearly all from the last two years of doing Keto.  I knew I had a lot but didn't know it was that many.  You''re right, there's a ton of them online!

12 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I've made a big pot of homemade soup and eaten it all week. 

That's what I'm eating on now!  Good thing I have it as I am cooking for my sick dog and have to make a homemade Keto Pizza today for an event I'm going to.

Looks like I won't be doing anything on Christmas and the days leading up to it except shoveling snow.  It'll be hard with my hands in continual pain and immense loss of strength in them.  I wish I didn't have to go it alone all the time but it is what it is.  We're supposed to get two feet in two days, and more beyond...

[Carol34]

57 minutes ago, KayC said:

I just backed up my recipe files....discovered I have 162 recipes, nearly all from the last two years of doing Keto.  I knew I had a lot but didn't know it was that many.  You''re right, there's a ton of them online!

That's what I'm eating on now!  Good thing I have it as I am cooking for my sick dog and have to make a homemade Keto Pizza today for an event I'm going to.

Looks like I won't be doing anything on Christmas and the days leading up to it except shoveling snow.  It'll be hard with my hands in continual pain and immense loss of strength in them.  I wish I didn't have to go it alone all the time but it is what it is.  We're supposed to get two feet in two days, and more beyond...

I won't be doing anything on Christmas either, unless someone shows up without letting me know.  We had our family celebration on Saturday, so my son and his family can go to his in-laws on Christmas (we alternate years, and this is her year).  My younger sister is the only other relative I have in town, but she's a workaholic who can't pass up extra shifts.  She's already told me (4 or 5 times) that she picked up a shift on Christmas. 

One of the things in the goodie basket my son and daughter-in law gave me this year was a bottle of wine.  I think I'll have a glass with my dinner on Christmas...whatever I decide to cook for myself.

[KayC]

After a Death, the Holidays are a Secondary Loss Holiday grief triggers are everywhere, we don’t have to tell you that. Opening that box of decorations is difficult enough. If you felt some combination of overwhelm, tears, nausea, and numbness when you found your deceased family member’s Christmas stocking, you’re not alone. It is one of those intense reminders of your loved one’s absence. And then you’re left with the flood of questions: what do I do with my a dead loved one’s stocking? Is it okay to hang a dead family member’s stocking? Is is okay NOT to hang a dead family member’s stocking? We’ll start with the simple answer – there is no right or wrong answer to holiday grief traditions. It needs to be whatever works for you and your family. That said, what “works” doesn’t mean it won’t still be hard and painful. It just means that it will hopefully bring some small comfort that can exist alongside the pain. With that in mind, we have a few suggestions, many of which have been shared with us over the years. Creative Ideas for the “Empty Stocking” Ideas if you’d like to keep and hang the stocking 1. Put out a pen and paper and ask people to fill the stocking with their favorite memory of the person. These could be holiday memories or any memories! Read them privately or as a family. 2. Fill the stocking with gifts you would have bought and given your loved one. After the holiday, take the gifts from your deceased family member’s Christmas stocking and donate them to a local charity or shelter. 3. Fill the stocking with your loved one’s favorite candy, cookies, or other treats. Bring them out for everyone to enjoy while opening gifts or during dessert. 4. Fill the stocking with gifts you would have bought and given your loved one. Give the gifts to other friends or family members who you know would also appreciate the gift with a note about why your loved one would have loved it. 5. Put out a pen and paper and ask people to write down one “gift” (physical or not physical!) that the person gave them that they will always remember and cherish. 6. Fill the stocking with notes to the person written on “flying wish paper“. Light them in the evening, on New Year’s Eve, or at some other meaningful time. 7. Use the stocking be filled with shared family gifts (gifts that will be for everyone). This is especially good for a deceased family member’s Christmas stocking in families with kids who have lost a parent or sibling, though it works for an all-adult household too. 8. Turn their stocking into your stocking. You can choose to leave their name on it (if the stocking had a name) or you cover it with fabric and write/embroider your name on it. 9. Use the stocking to fill it with gifts “from” the person. Now, this one is ideal if you have young kids, to fill with gifts “from” their parent, sibling, or grandparent who died. This can also be a nice place to put gifts for yourself “from” your loved one. If you know your partner or parent often bought you jewelry, video games, etc, treat yourself to those things and put them in the stocking for Christmas morning. Ideas if you’d like to part with or repurpose your deceased family member’s stocking 10. Create a keepsake from the stocking. Cut out a small heart, star, or other shape from the deceased family member’s Christmas stocking and put it in a frame or turn it into an ornament. You can make several of these to share with other family members who might FROM WHAT'S YOUR GRIEF

[William M]

I'm right there with you Michael, having lost my wife this thanksgiving week. My parents are spending Christmas in the hospital while my mother recovers from surgery. but, my son and his wife will be coming into town for a few hours tomorrow. I was going to skip Christmas completely, but have changed my mind. I put out  a few new decorations I found while sorting my wife's things, and even decided to cook some of the items she had already purchased for the holidays. It was a struggle as I've hurt my knee and can barely walk or even stand. I cooked our Christmas dressing (cake like stuffing ), and baked our tradition super cheesy Mac and cheese, which had always been a 2 person operation every year.  I had to use those 10 bags of cheese she bought! It was too late for the Ham as I had already given it away.......    I made the trek to her grave site this morning for a break after the first dish was prepared. I had to water the Poinsettia I had placed the week before, and wanted tell her I missed her so much this Christmas. I also brought a few extra Christmas items for her, but I just mainly just sat there on the newly install bench and cried until I felt it was time to leave. Now I sit here alone typing this, We got married young, and I believe this may be the very first Christmas eve in my 56 years that I have every been completely alone.

I take that back! I do have my wife's 2 treasured puppy dogs with me, and for that I'm very grateful. I just wish she could be with us......

[SSC]

@William M I understand the “married young” part and for me this actually has been a contributing factor (in my self analysis) to my complicated grief journey.  Because we were so young when we married we had yet to fully develop as a single individual before we became a couple. This has made the “who am I” question much more difficult for me as I have never lived alone until he died.  I hate living alone.  I hate having no one to talk to and no one to share a meal with.  
 

It is fortunate you have the two puppies.  Their unconditional love will help fill the quiet house. A hug from a puppy is always a good thing, right!?  

[William M]

"A hug from a puppy is always a good thing, right!?  "

 

It certainly is tonight...  :-(

[CatL]

Its Christmas Eve evening, and I'm sitting here crying as I write this. I made it through my year of firsts and am into my year of seconds (not much easier I will say). This is my first year alone for Christmas, and for New Year too. Even last year a friend and I got together, but that couldn't happen this year. Its hard, mind boggleing, heart breaking, etc. being alone this way.

As I was walking my dog (I lost my other dog this year too), it was like a kiss from above, and for the first time since he passed, I felt a sort of peace, and a belief that I will make it. I don't know yet how or what it will take. But I know, I feel it, that I will make it. It will probably be a long hard climb. I've spent a lot of time telling myself I will make it, but for once I feel it in my soul that i will. 

I can't tell you why I feel I will make it. I didn't do anything different. Its been a lousy year - lost my dad, and one dog, and a cousin has been diagnosed with cancer, yet I really feel I will make it. Did I mention its been a lousy year??

Its been a tough year and a half, the loss, the pain, the questions, the thoughts (those can be so hard on you), the everything. But I feel, I know I'll make it.

I hope somehow, some day, you find this peace too. I expect this feeling will come and go, but when it comes it gives me the hope I need. I'll make it, and I hope someday you'll figure out that you can too.

 

 

[KayC]

@CatL  Thank you for sharing...it has been a horrid year but I think in this crazy world we're survivors somehow.  

@William M  I'm glad you have the puppies, I couldn't live w/o mine...the world needs more puppy kisses.  As hard a day as I had yesterday, Kodie shows me how resilient he is, how he takes life as it comes and is undaunted by it.  It's amazing.  I wish I could be more like him.