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In my Mind


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1 hour ago, Jen H said:

It's only been almost two months for me but I started getting rid of his stuff right away.  I would pass by something like his medicine or glasses or food in the fridge that was for him  and just get upset and throw it in the trash.  Everyday I would do this. Then immediately I would say to him sorry but I can't take seeingall your things everywhere I look. Especially things that reminded me of him being sick.  Most of these things and his clothes are gone or packed up. Or I gave things to his truest friends and got special things to send to his kids.  Though I still keep his cell phone.  It still receives calls and texts though not for much longer.  I've texted him a few times all while on break at work. I tell him about my day and how much I love and miss him usually. I almost feel like paying his bill so I can keep doing that but i won't.  I used to video call him everytime on my breaks. I write to him on his phone, look at all the photos and watch a video with him on it. What I miss the most is our conversations just sitting at home especially the last 2 years being at home a lot because of covid and then him really not having the energy to go out. So I talk to him I guess through his phone. I've felt like video calling him once or twice at work but realized that's just ridiculous. Deep inside I do wish so bad for him to answer me back even though I know he won't. I ask him to come to me in my dreams so we can talk and be together but no luck so far. For some reason my dreams of him are of him being sick or passed away.  But maybe that's a good thing.  When my Mother passed away I used to wake up every once in a while and think she was still alive for a moment which was super weird and heartbreaking. I just wish so desperately more than anything to hear his voice and talk to him even just for a moment or in a dream.

Lastly to everyone here im hoping we can all get through the holidays the best we can especially the ones will it will be the first. I'm thankful for everyone here helping each other out!

 

Hello Jen.  I am sorry for your loss.  I was with my wife for 29 years so I understand the accumulation of things that can remind you of your loved one.  Two bits of advise if I may.  Don't rush into getting rid of everything.   That's what my father did when my mother died when I was a kid.  He really regretted doing it as time passed.   My therapist says if it hurts to look at it box it up and deal with it later.  In the end give yourself opportunities and time.   The phone is another issue.  You might want to keep it for a awhile.   Too many things like user accounts could be tied to the phone.  I handled my father's estate and it took a good year to deal with all his accounts.  You can also take my ramblings with a grain of salt.  We each have a different path to walk in our grief. 

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Personally I couldn't get rid of my wife's things. I had other people do that for me, like her clothes. There are a few items I kept of course, as we all do. It is funny though, I do remember thinking "I can't get rid of that, she might need it". Our mind does that in part because in the past they have always come back. My wife would take visits to her Mom's without me at times when I couldn't get off work or of course during her illness she was in and out of the hospital quite often. Even before her illness, she had a few surgeries where she was in the hospital for a couple of days. They always came back. 

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8 hours ago, Jen H said:

I write to him on his phone

Cellphone companies really need to come up with a "ghost plan" we can convert their phones to whereby we can still do this at a fraction of the cost.  It would have helped so many of us.  He still had a contract so I had to have someone else take over his phone as i couldn't afford to pay for it at that rate.  They don't take into consideration that the person died!

My sister hired a caregiver who got rid of everything in her husband's bedroom, everything but the bed but even that got new coverings.  Funny thing is she never vacuumed, cooked, did dishes, etc.  Why would you get rid of such personal items on someone else's behalf!  I don't get her priorities.  That should have been my sister's choice.

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For some reason I really don't have much of a problem getting rid of his things.  We knew each other for 22 years but we never married or lived together until the last I think four years.  If you knew our story you would understand how this worked great for us.  He almost had to move out because of the new landlords and it was best for him anyway being sick.  He put stuff in storage and we were about to get everything out that next weekend but he passed.  So I had to deal with it all and get it out so it was just too much stuff and my house is just a double wide modular home with hardly any storage.  I have kept a little of his furniture and decorations but the rest had to go.  His clothes really didn't bother me at all to get rid of for some reason.  But his phone and drivers license I will keep.  His elephant collection I kept which we both had.  His canister collection to his kids. I let his sister take his car because we were not married anyway which was a little sad. He never made a will. I will keep his golf cart that we both loved to drive around the neighborhood together.  And actually I have to put that in my shed for the winter so one more reason I have to downsize. I have two special valentine cards on my dresser and the stuffed pink dog he got me.  And I put his picture in almost every room.  Even though he was the worst person for me to lose, I've dealt with death and loss many times already so  unfortunately I have prior experience in this matter.  It took me longer with my mom to pack things up and get rid of things but pretty much  the same scenario.  Kept special things that meant a lot to her or me and just get the rest taken care of. Put more pictures up.  I've always been the type of person to get things done asap or I get too overwhelmed about everything I need to do. I have two jobs and a disabled brother and daughter so I have a lot on my plate. So doing this actually calms my anxiety down and has helped me through the grieving process.  

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19 hours ago, Jen H said:

I would pass by something like his medicine or glasses or food in the fridge that was for him  and just get upset and throw it in the trash.  Everyday I would do this. Then immediately I would say to him sorry but I can't take seeing all your things everywhere I look. Especially things that reminded me of him being sick.

I think this is completely understandable...because it's kind of what I did.  When I got home from the hospital, I was in shock and numb.  It didn't matter that his death had not been unexpected at that point, I was still in shock.  I couldn't deal with anything, except a burning need to get rid of anything related to his cancer.  So that's what I did.

Everything else waited and some still does.  It's been a process of letting go of the material "things" that are either painful or don't have enough meaning to keep.  Granted, some of the keepers might seem strange to those who don't understand us.  I have his little hairbrush tucked in a drawer because it has some of his hair in it.  I keep a few of his shirts and sweaters to wear on cold days/nights or when I just need to feel him near me.

There is absolutely no one "right" way to deal with our kind of grief.  In part, that's because we are all unique in every part of our lives and our losses.  It's such a cliche that there are times I still want to tear out my hair, but I can't deny the truth of it:  Everything with our grief takes time, lots of time.  That doesn't mean we "get over it" or "move on" or any nonsense like that.  It does mean that grief doesn't stay the same, but sometimes the shifts and steps forward are so slow and gradual that we don't see them until we "look back" later and see we've moved forward, bit by bit, learning to carry our love and our grief together.

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I had to get rid of her clothes because so many articles of clothing reminded me of her and would make me cry. That said, I couldn't do it myself. I had family members bring the clothes to Goodwill for me. 

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There is no one-size-fits-all way to do this, we have to do what makes us comfortable....word of caution to those who would throw EVERYTHING  away, I've seen this done and regretted later.  So long as a person keeps something to hang onto.  I kept my husband's bathrobe, and have not been able to replace our worn out loveseat recliner, yet can't sleep in our bed because it reminds me of his absence.  Nothing needs to make sense.  It just is.

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On 11/20/2021 at 4:34 PM, BBB said:

still waiting for her to come back. The feeling is really hard to explain because my brain knows it's impossible but there is some part of my being that just refuses to believe she is truly gone and she'll be back. Not sure if that is the heart vs brain struggle?

I know this feeling well. The impossibility of him just not being here anymore. I always feel like I am waiting.

When I was a child and started reading creation stories I got totally befuddled trying to understand what "nothing" meant. I still don't understand this and its the very same feeling I have about my husband's death.

On 11/22/2021 at 2:37 PM, KayC said:

Cellphone companies really need to come up with a "ghost plan" we can convert their phones to whereby we can still do this at a fraction of the cost.  

I think this is a wonderful idea. I'm having quite the opposite problem though, the company won't close the account and keep sending bills. They keep asking me for verification numbers that they send to the non existent landline at an address now occupied by somebody else.!**!!

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My sister has had the same problem for 14 months with cable...she tried canceling the expensive sports channel her husband had, they won't do it and keep billing her at an exorbitant rate!  I'd love to cancel them and get her on Dish but with her dementia, she's beyond learning something different.

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On 11/21/2021 at 11:40 PM, KayC said:

You can have the death certificate, look all over the house and see she's not there (I did that after George died), see their lifeless body, hold a funeral, but still it doesn't seem real, it takes a long time to sink in, and even then it has a bit of surreal to it.

Yes, and you can also nudge the casket down the slide into the crematorium incinerator, as I did, and see with your own eyes your beloved in their casket slide into the oven, and that steel door comes down, and then they ask you to leave the room... that was probably even more traumatizing than the night at the hospital where she never made it into the ICU, because thats it, never to see her body whole again.  Even though I'm convinced she lives on in another realm, the sense of physical loss is absolutely devastating.

For me it still hasnt sunk in completely, and it was 7 months yesterday.  Maybe it never will. Does it even matter? I ask myself.

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Hi, I am new to this. I recently lost my husband a month ago to cancer :( we have a 20 month old son , who keeps me going , and I know that everything is all so fresh but I'm only 32 years old and have never experienced a loss before . So I am not sure how to handle this . There are days I am ok. And others when my brain is in a fog I become very forgetful , everything was very traumatizing and I still can't believe it's going to be 2 months on Monday.  I finally decided it was time for me to look for others help to see how I can cope with this.  The problem I face is not understanding how to cope .

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Hi just want to welcome you here and let you know we have a lot in common.  I lost my boyfriend of 22 years to cancer two months ago.  Expected but sudden and very traumatic how it all went down.  I also have a 24 year old daughter who keeps me going.  As well as some pets who keep me busy and help me feel better.  I too get into foggy moments where I cant even think straight or even know how I will be able to be happy ever in life anymore.  Usually a good cry, keeping myself busy with a positive activity, or admittingly somtimes having an alcoholic beverage helps me get through the day the best I can I guess. I nor no one else can really know what you are going through or what exactly will work best for you.  This site has really helped me especially since I have no one to really express and vent my grief and suffering too.  These people all understand so well.  They should be able to help you too with advise and understanding.  All I can say that has worked for me is getting through each day the best and most positive way I can. Don't  expect your feelings to just disappear.  Some days are better than others for me.  How your feeling is completely normal and takes time.  How ever long is different for everyone.  Listen to these people as most have been going through it longer than us.  

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Yeah I have I have been reading alot of the posts , some are similar. I know this grief won't go away but I need to figure out how to cope, how to live without the love of my life and actually feel normal again,  I am sorry for your loss . Cancer sucks 

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22 hours ago, Nicbov said:

Hi, I am new to this. I recently lost my husband a month ago to cancer :( we have a 20 month old son , who keeps me going , and I know that everything is all so fresh but I'm only 32 years old and have never experienced a loss before . So I am not sure how to handle this . There are days I am ok. And others when my brain is in a fog I become very forgetful , everything was very traumatizing and I still can't believe it's going to be 2 months on Monday.  I finally decided it was time for me to look for others help to see how I can cope with this.  The problem I face is not understanding how to cope .

Welcome, I am so sorry for your loss, that's so hard.  I took care of my MIL and best friend for 3 years while she was bedridden with cancer, it's horrific.  Also my companion dog, Arlie, it was so hard to watch them all suffer.  :(

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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9 hours ago, Nicbov said:

Yeah I have I have been reading alot of the posts , some are similar. I know this grief won't go away but I need to figure out how to cope, how to live without the love of my life and actually feel normal again,  I am sorry for your loss . Cancer sucks 

Yes I know.  It takes time.  How long idk.  I'm still fresh with grief too.  I'm trying to figure those things out too.  All I can do right now is live day by day while carrying this hidden loneliness and sadness inside me.  It sucks alright.  Worse time of our lives.  But we are all here for you and understand.  Keep coming here if it helps.  Whatever helps, keep doing.  Kay's tips helps a lot. Just don't give up!

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28 minutes ago, Jen H said:

It takes time.  How long idk.

It's a long process, different for all of us....I often say "It takes what it takes."  

 

29 minutes ago, Jen H said:

All I can do right now is live day by day while carrying this hidden loneliness and sadness inside me.

It's been 16 1/2 years for me and this is how I do this still.  :wub:

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