Let's play

[BBB]

For those of you who have read Megan Devine's book, you'll know that she is not a fan of platitudes. I think probably none of us here are. But let's play a game. It's called my platitude that I hate the most. I'll go first. My wife's name is Bonnie. 

Here's the platitude I hate with a passion, sort of like people are throwing a guilt trip on you, "But Bonnie would have wanted you to do that", "Bonnie would have wanted you to be happy".

 

I can't stand that one above all the rest.

 

[foreverhis]

I can't play this much because our small circle of close people and even acquaintances (even the ones I "kicked out" for pretending John never existed) haven't been much for platitudes.  But there was one I heard from some people at the hospital, doctors offices, and casually:

At least he's not suffering now.

Seriously?  Did they think I wanted John to suffer?  Did they believe I wanted him to live if his quality of life would have been terrible?  Is it not obvious to them that I know this?  For me, that's a "No sh!t!" moment.

[Jen H]

It's only been a month in a half for me and I only heard this once but it really bothered me.  "Your life could be worse".  Really,  I know that and am grateful for what I have but my life feels as worse as it ever has been.  

[Gail 8588]

Don't you think it's time you start dating?  You just need to find a new man. (Or some variation of the idea.)

Taken in the best light, they just want to see me happier than I appear to them.  But it really hits me the wrong way, as I am sure everyone here understands.

[Roxeanne]

"It's his destiny"...as i said before...maybe it's true but it make me feel so doomed...

" life goes on"...who can deny that ? But in someway without me...

[KayC]

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

At least he's not suffering now.

Yep, got that one.  But I hate them all...it's like comparisons, it devalues WHAT WE FEEL AND EXPERIENCE!

Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the
Cliches - answers to

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Don't you think it's time you start dating?

OMG, so inappropriate!!!  Makes me wonder if they've ever experienced a relationship like yours...likely not.

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

For me, that's a "No sh!t!" moment.

Uh huh!

[Diane R. E.]

The worst one I've heard is "remember; it was God's plan". What??? I firmly believe God doesn't "plan" for any of us to die. Is it his plan for all of us to suffer because we lost our beloved partner? I think not! No one is perfect (not God's fault) and we live in an imperfect world, so bad things just happen.  

[june483]

"I" or "so-and-so misses him so much". - Really? You appreciated him?  Then why did you make yourself so scare once he was diagnosed and really could have used the company during all those months of chemo when he had trouble leaving the house cause he lost his ability to walk?

[Michael M]

"It hasn't been that long, give it some time" ... "You just need to live one day at a time".  Goes right up there with someone telling me how broke up they were over their pet dying 5 years ago, etc.

[Yoli]

"Call me if you need anything" - heard that alot. This places the workload right back on the griever rather than the person offering the platitude.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Michael M said:

You just need to live one day at a time

This is true, but not said this way.  I don't look too far down the road because it's too much.  As a platitude among other platitudes, it's grating.

5 hours ago, Michael M said:

Goes right up there with someone telling me how broke up they were over their pet dying 5 years ago, etc.

This type of comparison is how I ended up here.  I was so angry about that kind of thing and was looking for responses that were less swear-wordy than the ones in my brain and that I had forced myself not to say.

[Carol34]

14 hours ago, Yoli said:

"Call me if you need anything" - heard that alot. This places the workload right back on the griever rather than the person offering the platitude.

I am brand new here, but when I read your post, it was as if I wrote it myself.  I have said these exact words so many times!

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Michael M said:

"You just need to live one day at a time".

This is the one piece of advice that HELPED me most!  So sorry if it offends anyone here, but when I thought about the next 40 years w/o him, it sent my anxiety through the roof!  I already couldn't sleep!  So I learned to take one day at a time, one hour if need be, sometimes one minute.  16 years later I still have to live this way.  When I think too far into the future, it sends me into a panic mode!  I can't do "the whole rest of my life."  I can do today.  Right now.  That's it.  16 1/2 years, and I'm STILL having to live this way!  I imagine I always will.  I don't know any other way to do this.  This is hard hitting and doesn't end.

[Carol34]

17 minutes ago, KayC said:

This is the one piece of advice that HELPED me most!  So sorry if it offends anyone here, but when I thought about the next 40 years w/o him, it sent my anxiety through the roof!  I already couldn't sleep!  So I learned to take one day at a time, one hour if need be, sometimes one minute.  16 years later I still have to live this way.  When I think too far into the future, it sends me into a panic mode!  I can't do "the whole rest of my life."  I can do today.  Right now.  That's it.  16 1/2 years, and I'm STILL having to live this way!  I imagine I always will.  I don't know any other way to do this.  This is hard hitting and doesn't end.

I'm the same way. If I look ahead too far, or look at "the whole picture" I can't function.   At one point, I had a list of 14 different places I needed to call (insurance companies, attorney, utilities, etc.).  It was overwhelming just to look at it.  I got out a notebook and wrote a date on each page.  Then I listed two of the calls on each page.  I knew each day that I had to make 2 calls...but I didn't look ahead to the rest of them.  If I got those two calls made, I felt like I'd accomplished something! 

I've scheduled appointments a week or two in advance, and had to cancel them, because they fell on a day when I just couldn't do it.  I tried to explain to some friends of ours that I'd love to say I'll go out to dinner with them, but I can't plan it too far ahead.  What sounds doable today, might sound paralyzing next Friday.  They seem to understand, but I'm afraid if I keep putting them off, they'll eventually quit asking.

[Sparky1]

I just posted a reply in another topic and one thing that really p***es me off is this response. " We haven't been to your house because we're afraid of coming there because your wife isn't there". You know the saying, when the downtrodden person is broken, he gets another kick in the b***s for good measure. Something like that. Sorry for the choice of words but I tried to use the least offensive forms.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I tried to explain to some friends of ours that I'd love to say I'll go out to dinner with them, but I can't plan it too far ahead.  What sounds doable today, might sound paralyzing next Friday. 

I totally get that..  In time it will be more doable, you're still very fresh into this.  In time it may give you something to look forward to but right now you never know how you'll feel/react at any given time.  That comes with this.

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

We haven't been to your house because we're afraid of coming there because your wife isn't there".

I grew a lot of moxie when George died, I think because I no longer had my protector and advocate, now it was on me to stand up for myself.  I think I'd TELL them "It's difficult for ME to come home to her being gone too, but I have no choice, do I!"  Some people's excuses seem really lame!

[Yoli]

On 11/22/2021 at 12:38 PM, Sparky1 said:

" We haven't been to your house because we're afraid of coming there because your wife isn't there".

That is a chicken s#@t excuse. 

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I totally get that..  In time it will be more doable, you're still very fresh into this.  In time it may give you something to look forward to but right now you never know how you'll feel/react at any given time.  That comes with this.

I grew a lot of moxie when George died, I think because I no longer had my protector and advocate, now it was on me to stand up for myself.  I think I'd TELL them "It's difficult for ME to come home to her being gone too, but I have no choice, do I!"  Some people's excuses seem really lame!

I think I too grew a bit of moxie just like you said Kay. Indy, my protector no longer there so I had be stand strong for myself.

Also, yes way more difficult for us to return home each day rather than friends who are 'afraid'. Cop out.

[foreverhis]

On 11/21/2021 at 3:38 PM, Sparky1 said:

" We haven't been to your house because we're afraid of coming there because your wife isn't there".

My brain says, "Oh hell no!"  That is a stupid, thoughtless, selfish response/reason.  I'd be thinking (and these days saying), "You think being in our house without her (in my case, him) there is hard for you?  Try living it 24/7!  How the hell do you think I feel?  My life has been ripped apart and my heart is shattered.  My one true love is lost to me and that never goes away, no matter where I am.  How about sparing some care and love for me instead of thinking about how hard this is for you?"

We can call it moxie or strength or standing up for ourselves.  I am more inclined to say that I can be a stubborn rhymes-with-witch now, when in the past I did everything possible to not be one.

[surfer]

KayC,

"You just need to live one day at a time".

this sounds right if somebody lost a loved one too... I just do not want to hear this advise from somebody who didn't experiance the pain I have.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, surfer said:

KayC,

"You just need to live one day at a time".

this sounds right if somebody lost a loved one too... I just do not want to hear this advise from somebody who didn't experiance the pain I have.

I'm sorry it struck you wrong, for me it's how I've HAD to do it the last 16 1/2 years...and will the rest of my life.  I have anxiety, I cannot take on 40 years unknown future, I can only do today.  It's cutting it down into a more biteable chunk.  I really don't know what about it strikes you as wrong and your comment "from someone who didn't experience the pain I have."...all of us here have experienced it, perhaps you mean you don't want to hear it as it sounds trite from someone who has NOT been through it feels to you?

[surfer]

>perhaps you mean you don't want to hear it as it sounds trite from someone who has NOT been through it feels to you?

Absolutely!!! This is not about you. "You've been there" . You understand! The friend of mine was giving me this advise. She didn't loose her husband but was full of ideas how should I move away from my grief. It'll be two years tomorrow. Just like yesterday. 

[Carol34]

On 11/20/2021 at 2:26 PM, june483 said:

"I" or "so-and-so misses him so much". - Really? You appreciated him?  Then why did you make yourself so scare once he was diagnosed and really could have used the company during all those months of chemo when he had trouble leaving the house cause he lost his ability to walk?

I could have typed this one.  I was Paul's only caregiver.  It was me that went to all of the doctor appointments, chemo treatments, tests, etc.  It was me who woke up at 4am every morning, so that he had his medication on time.  A few times, when he had visitors he told them, "you need to see me more often while you can."  Now, they "miss him so much". 

One of his friends (who actually has been there for us) called me last week to tell me that someone they went to school with heard about his death, and wanted me to know how sorry they were to hear it, and how much they'll miss him.  I told him to call the guy back and tell him I said this, "I was married to Paul for 20 years, and knew him for 2 years before that.  I've never seen you.  You've never called to say hello, or visited my house.  How in the world can you say you miss him?"

On 11/20/2021 at 3:09 PM, Michael M said:

"It hasn't been that long, give it some time" ... "You just need to live one day at a time".  Goes right up there with someone telling me how broke up they were over their pet dying 5 years ago, etc.

About a month before Paul passed away, my sister sent me a text with photos of x-rays...and a crying emoji (she's 58, but thinks texts like a teenager).  I couldn't tell what I was looking at, so I asked.  It was her dog.  He has liver cancer.  While this is very sad for her, I'm tired of hearing her compare her dog to my husband.  The other day, she said she's worried he won't make it to Christmas, and she doesn't know how she'll handle it.  Then she said, "but you understand more than anyone."  Nope.  It's not the same!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, surfer said:

She didn't loose her husband but was full of ideas how should I move away from my grief. It'll be two years tomorrow. Just like yesterday.

People who have not lost their spouse should keep their traps shut about how "we should do it."  IMO!

 

15 hours ago, cmp34 said:

Then she said, "but you understand more than anyone."

While it may not be the same, losing my companion "soulmate in a dog" Arlie hit me VERY HARD!!!  It's been 2 1/3 years and I still have his coat hanging on my chair, his collar/leash by the door, I won't reuse them.  He is what got me THROUGH life all these years on my own.  He had amazing communication and understood and cared about me, more so than any of the humans in my life (friends/family).  He was very considerate, loyal, protective.  I'd have laid down my life for him!  Watching cancer get the best of him is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

I have learned to NOT COMPARE losses.  What may seem trivial to you could be everything to her.  My dog's liver shut down also, I gave him liver supports, SAM-e, CBD oil, Probios.  I cooked for him throughout his life, getting up at 4 am to do so.  

It felt very much like losing my George did.  Yes losing your spouse affects you in different ways, sexually, romantically, socially, but the closeness I've felt to Arlie ripped my heart out when he was gone.  It kills me still.

[tnd]

It's not a platitude but how about the ones who don't say anything at all?? They talk to you about other things but don't offer condolences or say they are sorry. Wow. Just wow.   

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

It's not a platitude but how about the ones who don't say anything at all?? They talk to you about other things but don't offer condolences or say they are sorry. Wow. Just wow.   

I have had a few people do that.  Acquaintances I simply ended up "kicking out" of my life and mind.  A couple of people we know well have done that, but then later will bring up memories, etc. and at that point will say they didn't know what to say, but they truly are sad for me and for him.  I am able to forgive them because I get the mindset that if you don't know what to say, don't say anything.  I told a few of them, so they'd know for the future, that a heartfelt and simple, "I'm so sorry." can really be enough at first.

[Carol34]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

People who have not lost their spouse should keep their traps shut about how "we should do it."  IMO!

 

While it may not be the same, losing my companion "soulmate in a dog" Arlie hit me VERY HARD!!!  It's been 2 1/3 years and I still have his coat hanging on my chair, his collar/leash by the door, I won't reuse them.  He is what got me THROUGH life all these years on my own.  He had amazing communication and understood and cared about me, more so than any of the humans in my life (friends/family).  He was very considerate, loyal, protective.  I'd have laid down my life for him!  Watching cancer get the best of him is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

I have learned to NOT COMPARE losses.  What may seem trivial to you could be everything to her.  My dog's liver shut down also, I gave him liver supports, SAM-e, CBD oil, Probios.  I cooked for him throughout his life, getting up at 4 am to do so.  

It felt very much like losing my George did.  Yes losing your spouse affects you in different ways, sexually, romantically, socially, but the closeness I've felt to Arlie ripped my heart out when he was gone.  It kills me still.

KayC, I am so sorry if I offended you.  I know that the loss of a pet can be hard, even devastating.  I think I reacted the way I did to my sister because it was her.  I never meant to discount the feeling that people feel for their pets.  I'm truly sorry.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, cmp34 said:

KayC, I am so sorry if I offended you.  I know that the loss of a pet can be hard, even devastating.  I think I reacted the way I did to my sister because it was her.  I never meant to discount the feeling that people feel for their pets.  I'm truly sorry.

Some family members always seem to know just how to jab us emotionally, don't they?  What your sister said would have snapped a nerve for me as well.  It would have really irked me.  Still, I understand where both you and Kay are coming from on this.

In your case, your husband was dying.  Your world was crumbling and your heart was shattering.  To have your sister send you an x-ray with no explanation and then go on about how upset she was while you were dealing with losing the love of your life would be enough to make anyone react the way you have.  Now she wants you to comfort her in her pre-grief and grieving.  She is clearly not thinking about your needs and your pain.  I suspect you can barely get through the day dealing with your own grief.  She should not expect you to have any energy, emotionally or physically, to "be there" for her except in a small way because of course you feel bad for her.  At some point, you may have to tell her that you sympathize and know how much it hurts, but you need to deal with your own grief.  If necessary, you may have to be blunt and tell her that a beloved pet matters a great deal and losing him will be devastating, but that you have lost everything, that you have to focus on your own loss, and that you need to take care of yourself now.  You may even need to tell her to stop if she continues equating the two or if she expects you to "take care of" her when the time comes.

People trying to compare my losing John to some other loss was what brought me here.  I had lost parents, relatives, a couple of friends, and beloved pets.  Until John, losing our most special dog and cat had been the most painful and long-lasting grief, but nothing could have prepared me for John dying.  I miss our precious Charlie (Keeshond) and Penny (red tabby Persian with petite, not squished, face) to this day—and mama’s boy Charlie died 20 years ago!  But losing John is the worst thing that ever happened to me (and to him, of course).

In Kay's case, her precious Arlie had been her companion, her soulmate-in-a-dog.  He got her through many hard years and was by her side no matter what.  That's a unique and unbreakable bond, especially when we have been left on our own.  It's not surprising that losing him was and is so hard, so painful, and has brought back so much of her grief over losing George.  It's a sensitive subject, no two ways about it.  And she is absolutely right that it's best not to compare grief and losses.  (Though I confess that in my book losing a soulmate and losing a child would rank on top with losing a beloved pet not too far behind.)

((HUGS)) to both of you.

[catcat]

Both of these less than 24 hours after his death.

"You'll find someone else ".

"Well its a fresh start right? " 

Both from family members. First feeling was immediate anger, then just overwhelming sadness.. Some people really know how to shove a foot in their mouth.

 

And I'm the opposite. I know my love wanted nothing more than me to be happy, and right before the end told me to don't give up, keep going, keep moving forward. I know more than anything he wants me to be happy, so I keep reminding myself that it would make him happy if I were happy... So I am allowing myself to watch funny things, even laugh. It feels weird to laugh, but it feels good at the same time. I picture him next to me laughing along with me...I still have a massive weight on my chest, and tears all the time, but have been able to laugh a few times.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, cmp34 said:

KayC, I am so sorry if I offended you.  I know that the loss of a pet can be hard, even devastating.  I think I reacted the way I did to my sister because it was her.  I never meant to discount the feeling that people feel for their pets.  I'm truly sorry.

Thank you, I just wanted to let you know that for some of us, esp. when we've lost our spouse and live alone, our dog is everything in the world to us.  It hurts like hell to be missing him even after all this time.  Watching him go downhill bit by bit was indescribable.

HOWEVER, she should not be relating to your loss as if it's the same either.  I've had 16 1/2 years under my belt to get used to this (including people's "responses") but losing my person is the hardest loss I've ever endured.  I realize to some their hardest is their mom or dad or best friend, mine was my soulmate.  But I wouldn't discount other people's different losses either, I know everyone's relationship is different, and thus their loss.  I knew one person who was married forever who was HAPPY to have her husband gone (she said good riddance, the old coot!) because he drank and beat her.  I don't blame her for her relief either.  She was my FIL's GF for over 30 years, but she would never remarry.  I loved dad but I knew he'd take her for granted if she married him, so she was smart not to..

Annie, I can't even think of losing a child...I tried for YEARS to have a child, spent years with fertility treatment, and lost three before they were born, it's an invisible loss that you suffer alone, no one seems to sympathize, it's very hard...I cannot begin to imagine losing a child you've known and loved, no matter the age...it's very against "how it's supposed to be."  I pray I never have to know what that's like. 

3 hours ago, catcat said:

I keep reminding myself that it would make him happy if I were happy...

I'm glad you do smile and laugh!  I remember feeling guilty for it in my early grief, until I ran across an article that helped me, much like this one:
Smile Permission

[Michael M]

4 hours ago, catcat said:

Both of these less than 24 hours after his death.

"You'll find someone else ".

"Well its a fresh start right? " 

Both from family members. First feeling was immediate anger, then just overwhelming sadness.. Some people really know how to shove a foot in their mouth.

 

And I'm the opposite. I know my love wanted nothing more than me to be happy, and right before the end told me to don't give up, keep going, keep moving forward. I know more than anything he wants me to be happy, so I keep reminding myself that it would make him happy if I were happy... So I am allowing myself to watch funny things, even laugh. It feels weird to laugh, but it feels good at the same time. I picture him next to me laughing along with me...I still have a massive weight on my chest, and tears all the time, but have been able to laugh a few times.

I understand this one.  Multiple people have suggested online dating to me.   As early as 2 months after her death.  WTH?

Regarding movies and TV,  for months all I could watch were old things we saw together.  Last 3+ months I have watched a lot of new things and I do laugh sometimes.  I have actually enjoyed some things.   Recently I graduated to watching things we both wanted to see.  What I have not been able to do is finish shows we were watching together.  They will have to keep a little longer.

[Roxeanne]

5 hours ago, catcat said:

You'll find someone else ".

"Well its a fresh start right?

It's terrifying how people can think that you can let go your past behind you in a moment and most important your loved one like it was nothing !

But it's not the same when something wrong happen to them....

my friend that said to me not "to tink at the past and look at the future" in the first month after my loss, now her husband is sick of alzheimer...and she regrets her past with her husband, she complain"why me?", she think that fate is so cruel with her...no way she looks at the future now! 

I am a lady...i don't say to her what she said to me then!

 

 

[Jen H]

On 12/3/2021 at 3:14 PM, tnd said:

It's not a platitude but how about the ones who don't say anything at all?? They talk to you about other things but don't offer condolences or say they are sorry. Wow. Just wow.   

Yes I had several coworkers do this to me my first day back which was only two weeks and too soon.  They just came up to me and starting talking about themselves or complaining about the job and I just wanted to yell at them to shut the f*** up.   I actually appreciated the ones who just said hi and things like nice to see you and than kept on with what they where doing.  Now no one brings it up anymore and neither do I.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing though. 

[KayC]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:48 AM, Michael M said:

Multiple people have suggested online dating to me.   As early as 2 months after her death.  WTH?

Two YEARS after death is too soon, IMP!  I think it's important to process their death and get used to who we are, alone, BEFORE dating...JMP!  But then, that coming from the person who still keeps their dog's water bowl fresh 2 1/2 years after their death!  Grief is a long process...

 

[KayC]

On 12/4/2021 at 6:31 AM, Roxeanne said:

I am a lady...i don't say to her what she said to me then!

You are kind.  Like Hilary said, "You take the low road, I'll take the high road."  Regardless of politics, I like that statement and have recalled it many times since...a good rule of thumb to live by!
Jen, I was very lucky with the place I was working at when George died...my boss had someone come speak to the employees before I returned to work about loss and how to best respond.  Unfortunately the business went under within months, the recession began.  I wasn't so fortunate with the last place I worked!

 

[tnd]

On 12/4/2021 at 10:01 PM, Jen H said:

Now no one brings it up anymore and neither do I.  I don't know if that's a good or bad thing though. 

Jen H:  I'm sorry for your loss. It must've been hard going back to work just 2 weeks after. Probably hard even after 2 months. It's been a little over 5 months since I lost my husband and I don't work but, I know my mind isn't running at 100%. But we do what we have to do to survive. Glad you didn't crumple up and decided to stick with it. As for coworkers not saying anything when you returned to work, I wouldn't let it bother you. Oh, no doubt it did but what I am saying is that just in general most coworkers are not going to "be there" for you when it comes to anything personal. Not that it's any excuse but, like a lot of people they probably didn't know what to say and then being at work, they might have wanted to avoid causing you any tears on the job. If you're lucky enough to be good friends with a coworker both on and off the job, they might be the one who can help console you or even act as a messenger to the other coworkers. This is just me but I learned a long time ago to not rely on a coworker to be my best friend. Except in the case of my husband, we were coworkers.