My boyfriend just suddenly died from Covid

[Nvergara90]

Hello. My name is Nathalie and I have been dating this man for about a year now and he just died from covid complications 4 days ago. I hadn’t met his family yet because we were both so reserved and took our time with our relationship. I’ve known him since I was in elementary school and he became one of my lifelong best friends. But we didn’t start dating until last year. I have had the hardest time with relationships and felt so unlucky in love. But being with him gave me hope, like I finally felt like I could see a future. I felt like I could move forward and create a life with someone, a dream I have always had but never admitted to myself or anyone. I never got to tell him I loved him and he never expressed it to me. I know we had love for each other but I have so much regret and feelings I wish I could have expressed to him. I was able to tell him I loved him in the hospital before he died. But I don’t know if he could hear me because he was heavily sedated. 
I’m so angry and I feel like I can never move on from this. I don’t understand how it happened so fast and why him. He was so healthy and young and had the biggest heart. He was 31 and chose not to get vaccinated. I asked him to consider it but he refused to. I’m so upset. And confused. And I don’t know what to do. I live alone and have been struggling to find a job all year so I’m even more lost. I feel like I have no purpose and am not sure what to do with my time. I can barely sleep and have so many thoughts and regrets. 
all I want is to to feel him again and hold and he held by him. I would have wanted to become his partner and I dreamed of our kids. It’s like being robbed of a dream I didn’t know I had. This is a living nightmare and I have so many loved ones support but I feel like no one gets it. My mom is staying with me a bit but she can’t forever and I just don’t know how to move forward and even accept that this happened. I lost my father when I was 23 suddenly and it took me years to understand his death and begin to accept it. 
I see that now I know how much I loved him and how much I really wanted to have a partner and create a life with someone, which is good to realize. But I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to have this when I just want it with him.

[tnd]

I am very sorry for your loss, Nvergara90. I am also sorry for your pain and for the loss of the dreams you had hoped to realize with your beloved. It was good that you were able to tell him that you loved him. I know it doesn't make it any easier but I am sure that telling him was a good thing, for both your sakes. That's kind of what we have to do with our emotions now, we need to release what is inside us. Unless they've experience the exact same kind of loss, others may not understand our grief but on here we do. We've all experienced this pain. We are all grieving. Some of us are in later stages, for some of us our grief is fresh. We share our stories. Don't be afraid to share yours and speak up when you need to. 

[Nvergara90]

Thank you so much. You’re absolutely right, I do need to continue to speak and let it out. I appreciate your kind words right now so much <3

[Roxeanne]

Your story is dramatically moving Nvergara90...i'm very sorry you lost him so young and your sweet dream of love...it's very unfair! We are here to understand and comfort you  as we can...take care of yourself!

Hugs Ro'

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Nvergara90 said:

I know we had love for each other

Just as you knew it, I bet he did also, so even though not verbalized, it was there and you both felt it...we just "know."  I am so sorry for your loss.  I've been married four times, yes four, but only ONCE did I have reciprocal LOVE and that was with my sweet husband, George!  I lost him to death over 16 years ago.  Our love was amazing and irreplaceable, we always "felt each other" and related, communicated well, understood each other and had faith in each other.  Today would have been our 20th anniversary, we didn't quite make four.  Life isn't fair so it's understandable it doesn't feel it.  Rather than focusing on that though, I feel blessed to have had him in my life at all.  I feel blessed that my kids had the best stepdad in the world.

I am so sorry you didn't get to realize your dreams to fruition.  You have found a good and caring safe place to express yourself, I hope you find some comfort and peace here.
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[Nvergara90]

Wow thank you so much. What a beautiful reply. Thank you for your wisdom and your words and all these resources. I appreciate it so Much! 

[KayC]

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it really does help to know you're not alone in this journey.