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Anxiety and grief


HNoel

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My dad passed away a bit over a year ago. It was very sudden and I have been struggling a lot. Holidays are very hard for me, but never the day itself, always a few days before. Likewise, on the anniversary of his death I was sad but mostly okay - however today, more than a week later; I am a mess. Panic attacks, crying, can’t pull it together. Has anyone had a similar experience? I feel slightly crazy.

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Hi you are not crazy at all my mom passed away almost 7 months ago and I just keep moving through the motions keeping busy but it’s always in back of my mind

Then it hit me like a wave I could just be shopping in a grocery store driving in the car but especially at night and in the mornings it’s made the most.  I have severe anxiety fear because I watched her die and now I think that my fate might be the same when I know it probably won’t but it still scares me I can feel myself getting anxious I have stomach issues.

all we can do is ask God to help us to give us strength to be happy so that we can take care of ourselves like our parents would want us to do they would not want us to be unhappy or cause our self extreme pain but I know it’s hard one day at a time

know that we are here to listen it feels good to talk to people that understand family and friends MoveOn and do not know how it feels unless they have lost someone recently them selves otherwise they will never know the pain that we feel

take care of yourself …god bless 

 

 

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It’s a strange feeling for me. Mom has only been gone a few weeks. I’m sad all the time. I go to the gym and work but that’s it. Sometimes I get this intense feeling of grief though. It’s like I realize she’s not coming back.  Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I just cry. I feel like I want to run though. I want away from everything. 

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Oizys Miseria

My mom died a little over a month ago and I’m already dreading the holidays.  I’m still trying to go through her things and sort out her stuff and people are asking me what I’m doing for thanksgiving.   I find myself unraveling at the thought that someone even thinks it’s okay to ask me that.  As if there is anything to celebrate.    My mom was born on Christmas and I know that’s going to be a tough day for me forever now.  I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy the holidays again.  

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There’s an isolated part of the building I work in that has steps that lead to a storage area. A few times a day I go here to talk to my mom. I usually wait until 9:30am or 10 because she didn’t like to get up early.   I stand at the bottom of the steps and say something like,  “Good morning mommy. Hope you had a good day yesterday. Here’s what I need to do today. Gosh I miss you so much. If you want to talk to me feel free to anytime.  I wish you were here right now.  I won’t keep you but hope you have a good day in heaven.  Say hi to the dogs and cats for me. I love you all. “
 

That may seem silly to some but it makes me feel a bit better.   I wish she would answer more than anything. 

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On 10/28/2021 at 12:07 PM, Sarahismymom said:

I stand at the bottom of the steps and say something like,  “Good morning mommy. Hope you had a good day yesterday. Here’s what I need to do today. Gosh I miss you so much. If you want to talk to me feel free to anytime.  I wish you were here right now.  I won’t keep you but hope you have a good day in heaven.  Say hi to the dogs and cats for me. I love you all.“  That may seem silly to some but it makes me feel a bit better.   I wish she would answer more than anything. 

This is not silly to me at all; I do it constantly and more desperately each day and hope for an answer.  "I don't want to be here anymore.  I want to be with you and Dad and our cats and dogs."  Mom and I were inseparable for 60 years, for the last 21 just the two of us.  Being alone in the empty house day after day is causing an extremely frightening, almost unreal panic that is becoming 24/7 awake or "asleep" (so-called sleep is nothing but heartbreaking dreams, nightmares, and sudden, shocking flashbacks that are the worst of all - the feeling of waking and experiencing all the horrors of Mom's 8 1/2 month ordeal, and of her passing while I was caring for her, in one instant).  And yet being forced out of our memory-filled home for the last 39 years would be another horror.  My only true hope is in ultimately being with them again - Dad's shocking loss in 2000 is replaying now because I don't have Mom to cling to.  I call to our guardian angel to make the reunion happen now - I kid you not.  There is not a person I can turn to; family, neighbors, and acquaintances don't even address the heartbreak and loss, and speak only about looming financial disaster.  Only one person seemed to grasp that I can't handle the worst possible crisis of my life plus another one at the same time, and advised me not to panic and to do nothing hastily.  I will have to follow that for the time being.  The others are only increasing my fear and stress by putting extreme pressure on me to sell and move immediately.

My mother was the only true, deep love, refuge, and comfort I had.  We hated to be apart from each other (I wasn't allowed to see her for 2 months because of the covid).  I think back to the near-miracle in which the second hospital got her off the ventilator in a week after she had been on it for 3 months, allowing her to come home.  We saw each other her for the first time in 2 months on 2/5, and the hospital staff told me "She's coming home tomorrow".  When I got home there was a phone message from a social worker saying that Medicare wouldn't cover the cost of the home-care equipment, so Mom would have to go into another nursing home. My panic was beyond description at that point and for 6 more days, but by what I call another miracle the insurance issue was somehow resolved and my mother came home on 2/10.  I lost her on 7/17 and since then have been in an unending, solitary living hell that gets worse every day.  The approaching holidays only increase the agony.  People point to Mom's age but that doesn't lessen the hurt at all.  There are some people in the world who can't survive without each other, a painful fact it seems few people can understand.

I have been up all night searching people's Facebook accounts for pictures of us (finding some I had never seen from when Mom came home that were very heartbreaking) and posting here. Now the dreaded morning and another day have come and I don't know where to run, so I'll end up  pacing the floors, fearing contact with people in any way, and praying to God to please end this nightmare quickly somehow.  I put a note on the door saying I'm not well so please don't ring - I hope it works.  The whole situation seems more shocking all the time, not less as we are all told it will be.  When it hits me over and over that my mother is not here for me to turn to it feels like an electric shock or a stab in the gut.  Even doing this has brought the panic level way up. I feel very envious of people who have loved ones that they can hold on to, when for me it's only "I don't want to be here anymore".  It's very scary to get a sense almost of relief from that thought.  Best wishes to you and all of us in these dreadful times we are having.                               

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