Members Popular Post Jen H Posted October 14, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 I lost my everything on oct 3 2021 from lung cancer. 22 years of knowing and loving him and now he's gone too. It was expected but sudden and very horrific. I found him laying across the bed dead that morning. Blood everywhere. I slept on the couch that night. He had a scan and appt that week. I knew it wouldnt be good but expected months not waking up and finding him dead like that. I'm haunted by his last image. I'm haunted by not knowing what happened. I'm haunted I wasn't there. Not only struggling with all that. I have to wake up everyday with no one to support or talk to. I have no family. His family lives out of town. Just have my special needs adult daughter and brother. My daughter is with me and gives me moments of feeling ok but she can't fully comprehend my pain and agony and it's not fair to burden her with it. My dad, mom, close girlfriend all left me. He helped me through it all. Now he's gone. I'm only 45. He was my best friend, supporter, therapist, protector, my heart and soul. We were very dependent on each other. We did everything together. The only person I trusted. Im trying to be strong for my daughter and brother but how much can one endear. I can barely function. I'm so scared. I don't want to live without him. I came upon this site looking for help and understanding. I've read so many posts and I'm grateful to tell my story to you all. But then it hurts my heart more because no one should have to feel how I feel 3 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted October 14, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 Hi, Jen H. I just want to welcome you here. You've found a really good place to be. I'm glad you found us so early on. I didn't "arrive" until about 6 months after my husband died when I felt lost and hopeless, even though I had and still have a small, but wonderful group of friends and family who were there for me. You are going through it alone and feeling like you should put your daughter and brother's needs above your own. Society in general and our own sense of self tell us we must "put on the brave face," pretend to be strong, and not bother others with our grief. Of course you don't want to burden your daughter, but I urge you to try to find a balance in being able to grieve in her presence and just keeping up the facade. Your needs, feelings, and grief are every bit as important as the needs of others. It's true that no one in your life can fully understand how you feel and what this is like for you. Not even others grieving the same type of loss can. Plus, you have had other losses that affect you. This is the place to talk about all those things. To vent whenever you need to. We are in different time zones and with different schedules, so sometimes it takes a while for responses, but we are here and we are listening. You will find that just about every member here understands what you mean about only needing each other and having the one person in the world who put us first. You've had a great shock. Your heart has been shattered and your world ripped apart, and at a young age. Your grief will no doubt feel like it's all that exists. For now, the best thing to do is the most cliched: Take each day as it comes, doing what must be done, breathing, and not looking too far down the road because that is usually too much to contemplate. You're right no one should have to feel what you feel. We all understand that all too well. It's not fair or right or just. It never will be. The risk we take in giving our whole hearts and selves to our soulmates is that the loss will tear us apart. Of course it does. What you are describing in being scared, unable to function, and not even wanting to go on is so common as to be almost universal to the members here. We're each unique in our experiences, but we are going through it and walking the road of grief together. Please come here to talk, question, rant, and "scream." Read posts and respond if it feels right. Tell us more about yourself and your love, if you want to and when you are able. Here, there is comfort, understanding, and compassion. The members here helped me; I hope we can help and be there for you as well. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 14, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 Jen, I am so so sorry, my husband died on Father's Day 2005, five days after his 51st bdy, it is so hard when it's sudden/unexpected, but tremendously hard watching their cancer journey, I just went through that with my companion dog two years ago, and it's beyond description. There is no fairness in any of this, I asked WHY the first year, never got any resounding answers so I quit asking, figured there weren't any. We understand the pain, the shock, the regrets, missing them, all of it. I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings... Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Address Guilt When Grieving and this video is helpful as well: I wrote this article and hope something in it helps you at some point in your journey, it's a journey that is evolving, thankfully the intensity of pain softens eventually although when I can't say, we're all unique in our timelines as well as adjusting. I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard, and also helps knowing others "get it" and care. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 14, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 I'm very sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place. Everyone on here can relate to each other. It will help with the pain. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted October 16, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 I believe it is a blessing for me to have found this place. I just need to vent my feelings and emotions to someone. This is the only place I can do it. He had many friends and some family who have helped me through as much as they can I guess. They were really his people though not mine. What I have realized is most of my world was with and from him. The calls and texts are subsiding and it hurts but what am I to expect from them. Thanks for all the replies so far. I come here often just to remind myself that I'm not alone. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 16, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 I guess we don't know how people will be until we go through it, foreverhis had great friends/neighbors that stood by her, but that was not the case with ours, one never knows until they go through it. I will say this, though, although Covid times makes it more challenging, you might be surprised with a new friend at some point, better than any we could lose, I did, unfortunately she moved after ten years, not the same in different states as we can't have coffee together or do things together, but I'll always be grateful she was in my life when she was. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 16, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 18 hours ago, Jen H said: I just need to vent my feelings and emotions to someone. This is the only place I can do it. Jen H: That's one of the reasons I come here. And when I'm down, others on here help lift me. No one here is a stranger to grief. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 17, 2021 Keep coming here, vent, share, we're here and we're listening to you... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted October 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 17, 2021 Jen H, my deepest condolences on your loss. Coming here will help you get things out. I know it's helped me immensely and the great people here all understand what each of us is going through. Unless someone has lost their partner, they will never understand the feelings that we have deep inside. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post ScotJ65 Posted October 28, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 28, 2021 On 10/14/2021 at 3:27 AM, Jen H said: I can barely function. I'm so scared. I don't want to live without him. Jen H. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel because I've been through a similar experience. When my partners health started to deteriorate last year hardly a week went by when we weren't attending the doctors or the hospital A&E department. She was admitted into hospital several times and put on a drip because she was finding it difficult to swallow (a classic symptom of Huntingdon's). However, on each occasion she signed herself out after a few days and came back into my care. We both knew she had a 50% chance of inheriting the Huntingdon's gene because her father and brother both died from it. But she refused to have the test because she was too terrified of what could lay ahead. When she reached the stage where she couldn't swallow anything - not even a sip of water - then I just couldn't look after her on my own any more and told her family what was happening. To this day I still don't know how she managed to keep her family in the dark about how ill she had gotten. She had lost so much weight she was barely functioning. Her brother came to pick her up from my home and that's the last time I ever saw her. She was officially diagnosed with Huntingdon's and died in November. She was only 54. I couldn't even be in the hospital to hold her hand because of Covid restrictions. I just feel so heartbroken and alone. I'm convinced that there's a God and my beautiful woman is in heaven waiting for me. That's what get's me through this 'life' if I can even call it that. Please know that any time you need to talk about things then I'm here for you as are all your friends. God bless. James. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2021 Jen H: I'd go with the hope of making new friends and even possibly gaining a "new family" in the future. I was alone but by virtue of a miracle, I have a new family. They took me in when I had no one. And hopefully I will make more new friends. But because I've had to deal with issues that need my immediate attention, I don't feel like I've been able to properly grieve and so certainly can't think of making more new friends right now. But it helps me to go with the hope that I will be able to. For now I try to think about daily chores that need to be done and as I can, I think of the near future. It acts as a distraction from my pain and heartache. It's only been a few months since I lost my husband but I've already gathered that grief is more of a long journey we have to go on. We need to take our time and go about it as we think we need to. Our pain is our own. Some people cope better than others but everyone still has pain. It's definitely a "learn as you go along" sort of thing. At least for me it is. Some days I do better, other days not. But I try hard to go with the hope that better days are ahead, even if I've got to carry this pain with me into the future and I think I will have to. Grief is very hard on us. Don't be too hard on yourself. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 29, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 29, 2021 16 hours ago, tnd said: But I try hard to go with the hope that better days are ahead Keep your hope... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted November 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 It's been a month now since he left me. Can't believe I made it through. I thought I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. He battled cancer for 5 years. Lasted longer than most people according to the statistics. I'm grateful for that and had time to prepare my mind for that even though there was always hope in the back of our minds. I guess its a good thing I am a realist and a worry wart. It still happened suddenly and that still bothers me sometime. Trying to figure out what happened and if I could have saved him. Even so he wasn't going to last long I know. I just wish I and everyone else could have said goodbye and he didn't have to be alone. I feel he suffered at the end and he was terrified. This hurts me so bad. At least he is not suffering anymore though he did not want to die no matter how he felt. I am working now and that's good but the first day was hard. People saying the wrong things like complaining about the job saying the same old crap like I feel like hearing that. One person said I should get a tattoo of his name. Really? I don't even have any tattoos. I cry sometimes on my breaks. I called him every single time. Sometimes something happens and I want to call and tell him but I can't now. Seeing so much sports on is sad. We loved to watch sports and his teams are doing so well finally. Holidays coming. I need to do something for my brother and daughter but i don't even want to think about celebrating without him. He loved getting a honey baked ham every year. He loved celebrating new years. I loved to cook for him. My Jenny breakfast was his favorite. Like I said I'm doing better than I thought. Working, keeping the house up, working out again, spending time with my daughter and playing and taking care of the kittens. I have times feeling pretty good. Like things are like they were. I'd be in a room doing something while he was in bed sleep or watching TV. But then reality hits me like when I come home and his car isn't there or I want to ask him if he wants me to cook him some food. I got rid of or have packed up most of his things already. I couldnt stand looking at them. Everywhere I went something was there. I actually starting throwing stuff away almost immediately. I think I have accepted he is gone but what does that really mean? I know he is gone and never coming back but do I want to accept it? Of course not. Do I need to accept it to move on? I accept my life is empty and alone now. I'm just living for my brother and daughter now but they are developmentally disabled so they can't provide everything I need in a relationship. Ive always had trouble making and keeping close friends and I never got into social media. I accept I am totally scared and hopeless for my future without him and without my other loved ones I have lost. It seems impossible for me to be happy again. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 3, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 3, 2021 I hadn't had any tattoos either, it wan't me, but I got our symbol on my butt with his signature underneath it from his handwriting...not to display to others, but for him and I alone...my daughter was a hoot when I showed her so many years ago...we had a cat named George too and she exclaimed, "MOM!!! (moms don't do that?) What if you're ever with someone else?" Then she immediately dropped her head, looking somber, and quipped, "I always did love that cat..." The cat died 14 months later than he did. I HATE the word "acceptance." To ME it implies it's okay with us. It will never be okay with us. I know in psychological terms that's not what it means, but still I prefer the term "realization" to "acceptance." After 16+ years I good and well know he's gone, duh. Trust me, I looked. In every crevice of the house, he wasn't there. Not in the shop, not in the yard. It seeps into our realization whether we want it to or not. We don't "move on" either.. We learn to live with the changes it means for our lives. We have no choice. As far as being "happy" I have learned to not compare today to what was, it comes up wanting every time...but comparisons are joy killers, they devalue our feelings. Instead I've learned to embrace even an ounce of good that is in today. I know it sounds far fetched to find even a degree of good in a rainbow or sunset or enjoying a walk with my puppy or a neighbor's wave, a call from a friend, being able to pay the bills, or something good I fix to eat. All of that might seem a stretch but it is the way of life I have learned to help me through this, the practice of living in the present moment, of gratitude and appreciation for what is rather than merely lamenting what isn't, it took time, effort, and practice, but it's helped me and changed my life. I started this on day 11 as God put this refrigerator magnet into my path, I believe for a reason. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jocelyn W Posted November 10, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 10, 2021 I write to Rick most evenings in my online journal and tell him the things I want to say. I talked to him every day, all throughout the day, and I miss him so much. I have found the online journal to be invaluable. Many evenings, I crawl into bed and write and write. I am so proud of all the things you are doing. All of them take effort, and you're doing a really good job of putting one foot in front of the other on this grief journey that none of us want to be on. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted November 10, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted November 10, 2021 @Jocelyn W Welcome here, this is a close knit tribe and now it includes you, I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps. I too used journaling as a way to process my grief, and have a "letters to George" file on my PC. I don't write every day anymore (it's been 16+ years now) but do when I feel the need. Most of the time I just talk to him. I still have his pictures up, his robe hanging on the closet door, his hat on a hook, things from his pocket on a tray. I want him to know this is still his home. It doesn't have to make sense, just bring us comfort. For you, as you make your way through this ever evolving journey: Tips to Make Your Way through Grief 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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