Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

It's Bad Enough, Don't Depress Yourself


tnd

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My late husband and I use to enjoy watching movies together. We were homebodies but, we didn't watch a lot of television. Just every so often there would be a movie that interested us. After he passed away I stopped watching television. Only until recently have I begun to watch movies again in the evening before (trying to) sleep. I like crime dramas and thrillers, movies that are full of suspense. I also like "chick flicks" and romance movies too but not ready for any of those just yet. And last night I discovered that I am also not ready for anything too dark or down and out. 

Since I was having a hard time falling asleep again, I sat back up and decided to watch a movie. Big mistake. Not the staying up but rather, the movie I watched. It was a real down-and-outer. And it did not have a happy ending, either. I don't even know why I finished watching it. It was terrible. And all too real. It hit home with me in so many ways that maybe that's why it depressed me. Found myself still awake after the movie had ended...and crying and feeling mad. I began thinking and stressing over things that no one should late at night like that. Or anytime for that matter. Afterwards, I asked myself, "What have I done??" The last couple of days had not been too bad, then I had to go and watch a terribly sad and depressing movie. What a waste. Brought me totally down. I won't be doing that again. I suggest that none of you do, either. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I can’t bring myself to watch any movies that we used to watch or any shows we used to watch …can’t bring myself to listen to music either …if I watch anything it has to be before the time we were together so it has to be after 97 …and now after his passing and that we never seen together …and it’s usually a crime drama or horror movie ….can’t  bring myself to watch any romance or family movies makes me too sad …I also watch a lot of ID (investigation discovery) no happy endings 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I do understand what you mean.  There are any number of songs, concert pieces, musicals and other musical stage works that I may never be able to listen to again.  For 3 years, I couldn't bear to hear even the opening bars of the West Side Story Dance Suite because it was the first thing I put on my tablet to play on John's last day.  I still cannot watch DeLovely because the last song, "In the Still of the Night," is the last song I ever played for John as he left this world.  He took his last breath as the final notes drifted away.  I can still see and hear that as I was thinking, "Of course.  He was a musician to the very end."  We don't leave musical phrases unfinished; it's considered poor form.

But about 6-8 months ago, I had one of the music streaming services on and the dance suite started.  Before, I would have flown over to the remote, muted, and then skipped past it.  That time I let it play.  It was hard and I cried, but the thing is that this time I was able to envision the joy on his face playing it and not just how he looked that last day.  My point, I guess, is that it's not a bad thing to "test" ourselves over time to see if we are able to remember the good and wonderful, as well as the devastating and painful.

I intentionally do not watch certain shows or movies when I know that the subjects or plot will be too much for me to handle--unless I feel a need for a cathartic moment.  Sometimes though, a show will not itself be dark, but will have scenes that hit so close to home that there I am suddenly an absolute puddle on the floor.  I've come to understand that for me, it may always be like that.  Like you, I try not to watch anything upsetting at night.  But there again you never know.  I was watching a show that is new and new to me.  The main character is a retired police detective who lost her husband about 2 years before we meet her.  The show itself has some very light, humorous moments and she is a delight (Lucy Lawless; never watched Zena, but that woman has talent and some excellent understated comic timing!).  At 2 years, her entire world is no longer consumed by her grief, but it is always there.  And that is so much like me that I was stunned at how spot on some of the small "scenes of grief" have been.  I find myself nodding and saying, "Yep, that's right."  And so I watch it because I can relate, but also because it is not a downer for me.  If this was 2-3 years ago, forget it.  Shortly after John died, the BBC put on a new "comedy" called Mum about a 60 year old woman (ding) who just lost her husband (ding) and was trying to "move on."  And right there, they lost me.  Comedy?  Hardly!

I think it's okay to watch or listen to something we know will make us sad, but only when we know we can handle it, even through tears.  For me, that is coming slowly and with years of time helping me bring forward all the good, silly, loving memories so that they mix right in there with the pain and loss and grief that was all I could see for a pretty long time.  My most recent little step forward was when What Dreams May Come came on a number of months ago.  I would have just rushed to switch it, but it's a really beautiful movie, uplifting in many ways, and John had met Robin Williams (we're originally from the bay area and were in the arts, music, and theater world at a high amateur level).  So this time, I let the movie play and, yes, I sobbed many times, especially because I could just feel that connection between the two characters and the movie makes clear what a rare gift that is.  It reminded me that not everyone finds their one true love.  Of course, the scenes where he is calling, "Annie! Annie!" were almost too much because that is my name, but it was good overall and the ending did make me smile a bit.

For now, you are absolutely right to "just say no" to anything that will pull you down further into the dark pit of despair.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't watch or listen to things that might give you a moment of respite, a "getting away" for a short time.  In time and once you are settled into your own place, you may find that your perspective changes and that some things that flatten you now do not stay that way forever.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
16 hours ago, tnd said:

Only until recently have I begun to watch movies again in the evening before (trying to) sleep.

I've been avoiding this for the past 5 months, but lately starting to watch some movies on Friday nights.  Last Friday I watched "Ghost" -- it came out in 1990, that movie with the late Patrick Swayze, and Demi Moore.  I think I was looking for validation through fiction of what I've been experiencing lately?  Fortunately the movie didnt leave me sad but rather, hopeful.

 

13 hours ago, Malisacher said:

can’t bring myself to listen to music either

Yes --- I get this.  Cannot listen to ANY music that my wife and I wouldve listened to together, esp music in a minor key.  It just brings me to my knees.

 

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My point, I guess, is that it's not a bad thing to "test" ourselves over time to see if we are able to remember the good and wonderful, as well as the devastating and painful.

I really like this idea, thanks for sharing this @foreverhis .  I've pushed myself to go to diners that we both enjoyed.  At first it was hell but now sometimes I feel like my wife is there with me.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
4 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Yes --- I get this.  Cannot listen to ANY music that my wife and I wouldve listened to together, esp music in a minor key.  It just brings me to my knees.

I still feel this way after 16+ years!  Music was a big part of my life, it still is but I only listen to Christian music now, not our love songs or country music.  I can't go through my tubs of pictures either, not only of him but my kids, from a lifetime ago...too hard, way too hard.  Now I'm alone, everything's different.

I try to protect myself from too much news and for some reason haven't watched movies in a LONG time!  I didn't watch t.v. at all for the first four years after George died.  

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
22 hours ago, Malisacher said:

I can’t bring myself to watch any movies that we used to watch or any shows we used to watch …can’t bring myself to listen to music either

Malisacher:  I can't listen to music yet either. And my husband and I use to listen to music a lot together. I can't even think about it right now. Thought that I was ready for some music but I discovered that I need to keep trying. Hope you do, too. Guess these things take time. It will happen for us when it happens. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I was able to envision the joy on his face playing it

foreverhis:  Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this. This part where you wrote about envisioning the joy on your husband's face made me really think. My husband and I both enjoyed listening to music together, sometimes his favorites, sometimes mine. And we'd sing and laugh doing it. Made for a fun time...and created good memories. I am going to focus more on happy memories next time I try listening to music and not just let it be something sorrowful now. I guess if we keep trying it means we really want to do it. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
36 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am going to focus more on happy memories next time I try listening to music and not just let it be something sorrowful now. I guess if we keep trying it means we really want to do it. 

I'm glad, but please don't push yourself or become impatient if you're still too swamped with grief for the next many months.  I tried after about a year, but it was still too much.  At 2-1/2 years, it was painful, but also uplifting to be able to envision and remember how much joy we had in our musical and theater lives together and to "see" his handsome, happy face as he played.

As with pretty much all related to our grief and loss, time shifts our perspective.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'm glad, but please don't push yourself or become impatient if you're still too swamped with grief for the next many months.

foreverhis:  Thanks. I actually tried to listen to a little music the other day. It didn't go too bad but I could only listen to about two songs. And they were ones I like but not him. I am thinking I will have a better go at this when I get my own place. Then I can make all the attempts I want at things and when/how I want. Right now I have other people around me to consider. I have very little privacy if any. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I couldn't listen to music for a long time either.. My husband and I had found a radio station out of Phoenix that we both enjoyed, but after he passed away I immediately turned the radio to NPR. One day NPR was talking about something depressing so I switched the radio to the music station. A song was just ending and the very next song was one of my all time favorites. Of course I cried but I also felt it was a small sign that my husband sent. I never would have known that song and the story behind it if it wasn't for my husband.

As for TV programs, I still can't watch any that we used to watch together. Maybe that will come in time ...

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 10/15/2021 at 10:01 AM, Diane R. E. said:

Of course I cried but I also felt it was a small sign that my husband sent.

I have felt that a few times.  Once when I was on my weekly "I guess I'd better do errands and buy groceries" trip, I started the car and the song "Time in a Bottle" started.  Now, I loved Jim Croce when I was a teen, but I hadn't heard that song in at least 20 years.  The melody is haunting and the lyrics are so apropos that, sure enough, the tears started.  But then every time I started the car that day to go from one errand to another and even with three different radio stations, it was that song that was playing.  I chose to tell myself that it was John telling me he still loved me, even though I didn't save him and even with all my faults and imperfections.  After the second time, I even said, "Honey, are you sending me this song today?"  Was it coincidence?  I suppose that's likely, but it's not a song that is played all that often anymore.  Even now, a couple of years later, I hope that it will be playing when I start the car.

On 10/15/2021 at 10:01 AM, Diane R. E. said:

As for TV programs, I still can't watch any that we used to watch together. Maybe that will come in time ...

Maybe.  It certainly has for me.  For the first year, I didn't really watch any of our favorites.  Instead I mostly watched new things and then put on old movies in the later evening.  I needed sound and movement because the house was so still and seemed so cold--even when it wasn't.  As with so many things, time softened the pain.

What saddens me is when a new season starts and I think, "I wish John was here."  We didn't watch much broadcast TV, but there were a number of BBC/cable shows we really looked forward to each year.  John had a knack for "thrashing about" (his term for aimlessly wandering the options) and finding something wonderful.  Now I have to do that for myself.  There are a number of shows, both new and old-but-new-to-me/us, I've discovered that I know he would have loved.  I feel wistful about it, but I try to enjoy them for both of us.  I've started being able to re-watch many of our old favorites.  You know, shows or movies that are so good and so meaningful that you can watch them over and over and not get bored with them.  I often put one of those on in the later evenings as background.

Thinking back, I realize that for 20 years, we didn't even have time to watch most TV.  Friends or co-workers would say, "Hey, did you catch the new episode of fill-in-the-blank-popular-show?"  We'd reply, "No, we don't watch it."  We'd joke that we were not "in" when it came to popular culture, but we had busy, active lives in theater and music, camping and travel, going places with friends, and just being with our daughter (and the dog and cat, as well as my much younger baby sister who was at our house so much that the "guest' room was really hers).  A show had to be truly engaging and good quality for us to make the effort.  Later, when we had to scale back our lives because of health problems, we never did bother going back to watch all the shows we'd missed and I'm not inclined to care about finding them now.

Music is probably the hardest for me, not just because of our avocations and both of us having been raised in homes that embraced the arts, but because it's so evocative.  It's all-encompassing, being a medium meant to elicit an emotional response,  that is bound to be magnified (or maybe, amplified) as our grief making us to tender and fragile--even when we try to be strong.

It's such a cliche that I am basically rolling my eyes at myself, but give it time.  Give it months or even years, but do try from time to time.  I know that there are some things permanently "off limits" for me.  Yet some things I thought I'd never be able to hear or see again are comforting to me now.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

oy. This thread was a tough read but a good topic to bring up and as usual great replies. I can (surprise) relate. But it's been a mixed bag. There are songs, movies etc which I feel similar...I didn't want to hear because of the connection with her...but sometimes it was because of that that I did. In fact, each year on her birthday, I make a point of listening to music that I associate with her and watching something (TV shows or a movie) associated with her. It's hard in one way but a catharsis in another way. Or I'm just a masochist. :)  Praying for you guys. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It's been so long since George died, I don't even remember what t.v. we used to watch, sometimes a movie so random, but t.v. has changed a lot in 16 years.  I remember all off our songs though...

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 10/15/2021 at 12:01 PM, Diane R. E. said:

Of course I cried but I also felt it was a small sign that my husband sent. I never would have known that song and the story behind it if it wasn't for my husband.

Diane R.E.:  Maybe your husband wanted to help you and wanted that song to play. A positive sign. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
13 hours ago, widower2 said:

There are songs, movies etc which I feel similar...I didn't want to hear because of the connection with her...but sometimes it was because of that that I did.

widower2:  This is why I will keep some of my husband's CD's, including the ones of No Doubt and The Go-Go's.  Kind of cracks me up that he liked those particular ones.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
18 hours ago, tnd said:

Kind of cracks me up that he liked those particular ones.  

This brought me a smile.  I love every single bit of their traits, I love that you share that.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 10/13/2021 at 7:54 PM, tnd said:

Brought me totally down. I won't be doing that again.

Hi tnd. I can relate totally to what you're saying. I still have many of Lesleyanne's DVD's, some of which we watched together. Her favourites were 'The West Wing' as she was passionate about US politics (despite never having been there) and 'The Bird Cage' with Gene Hackman and Robin Williams. We must have watched that at least 5 times together. I still remember how helpless with laughter she was at that movie. Now it just makes me sad thinking about it because I no longer have her by my side and miss her so terribly. I know the pain that we're all feeling right now won't be in vain. There will be an answer. And I truly believe that one day we'll be with our loved one's again. And, in the words of Paul McCartney in his classic song.....No more lonely nights.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, ScotJ65 said:

And, in the words of Paul McCartney in his classic song.....No more lonely nights.

ScotJ65:   I thought of an Elton John song this morning. Well okay, so I thought of several Elton John songs...Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, Nikita and from the movie The Lion King, Can You Feel The Love Tonight. In addition to Enya, guess I will have to add EJ to my list of CD's to get. Certain lyrics have real meaning for me. I also use the power of song to help exercise my lungs. I can no longer run and can only walk about 20-30 feet at a time. But on a good day, singing a couple bars from a song helps and is rewarding. I like Elton John but it's his style in certain songs that help my lungs. Or at least I think it does. Haven't told my Pulmonologist about this yet. Might add some Paul McCartney to the list now. Thanks.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, tnd said:

But on a good day, singing a couple bars from a song helps and is rewarding.

tnd. That's so true. I hadn't heard that song 'No more lonely nights' for years. When I listened to it the other night I was singing along as the lyrics came up on the screen. But it was David Gilmour's (Pink Floyd) guitar solo that really reduced me to tears. So powerful. I think it's important to cry because it's such a release of all the emotions that build up over time. I'm sure your Pulmonologist would have no objection to you singing along to EJ - or anyone else for that matter! 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
49 minutes ago, ScotJ65 said:

But it was David Gilmour's (Pink Floyd) guitar solo

Speaking of Pink Floyd, I put on the Wish You Were Here LP once in a while and just let the tears roll. In honour of my wife, I got 3 Wish You Were Here t-shirts and I always tell people the significance of them when they ask about them.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Speaking of Pink Floyd, I put on the Wish You Were Here LP once in a while and just let the tears roll. In honour of my wife, I got 3 Wish You Were Here t-shirts and I always tell people the significance of them when they ask about them.

Sparky1:  That is so cool (the t-shirts). And it's a positive. I guess music acts as a sort of motivator for me. Always has. From the lyrics to the beat and the sound. We can do all sorts of things with music. *sigh* Still can't get it out of my head that my husband was into the Go-Go's and No Doubt's Gwen Stefani. Even the Cranberries. He was so macho. I figured him to be the "Bad To The Bones" type. Instead it was the Go-Go's "Vacation"... But then there are the Motown discs we agreed on. Whew! Saved the day!  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
17 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Speaking of Pink Floyd, I put on the Wish You Were Here LP

That song has the power to make me feel so upset again for his absence that i can't listen it anymore..

Pink Floyd are his preferite band....all their music makes me cry!

 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Not that any of us need to do more crying but, if you listen and watch Andrea Bocelli on youtube sing during Covid lockdown April 2020, it will make you cry. Only at the time, it made me cry happy tears. I am not really into opera singers but for whatever reason, I was drawn to listen to Bocelli one nite. I was moved by the video. I remember shouting to my husband to come hurry and watch it with me. He was impressed too. And he wasn't into opera either. Bocelli. Love him. Go figure. 

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, tnd said:

if you listen and watch Andrea Bocelli on youtube sing during Covid lockdown April 2020, it will make you cry.

Tnd i remember that dramatic day...Andrea Bocelli was in my town Milan, inside and outside our closed cathedral...it was the darker moment of Covid and he sang for us...to console us in our bewilderment.. !

It was the Easter of 2020...he brought a light in that dark nightmare...very moving!

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

Tnd i remember that dramatic day...Andrea Bocelli was in my town Milan, inside and outside our closed cathedral.

Roxeanne:  His performance moved me to tears. Because of the lockdown and no one could go out, not even to help others and certainly not to attend concerts, he still found a way to help; he shared his voice with us. Such a beautiful and bright gift he gave the world. Actually gave me hope. I still listen to the video from time to time.     

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My wife got me into listening to Andrea Bocelli. She loved his voice and songs that he did with other artists. He is truly an amazing talent.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tnd I am glad that his voice can help you now...!

i know you are in a very troubled life that you don't deserve...i hope you can get free soon and will find some peace in your own house...i wish you all the best!:wub:

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
16 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Tnd I am glad that his voice can help you now...!

i know you are in a very troubled life that you don't deserve...i hope you can get free soon and will find some peace in your own house...i wish you all the best!:wub:

My hope and prayers also.  Praying for your protection and deliverance.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
22 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

What I came up with was there are things I can affect and things I absolutely cannot.

Wow, that is a profound observation.

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Annie is a great step forward...!

I did too and i felt the pain...even i was stared his armchair feeling his absence!

Now i go to the cinema more confident even alone and appreciate the movie!

Yes i remember him and his warm presence, but it's not so devastating as in the first times...it's like accepting the world as it is little by little and find joy as we can...

Take care

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
12 hours ago, annie123 said:

It was tough and I still can't believe I went, but I did...

That's what I call stepping out of our comfort zone in our grief...sometimes we aren't ready but little by little it helps us process our life than we now have...

Good for you!  I know it isn't easy.

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 11/9/2021 at 9:01 PM, annie123 said:

Tonight , I went to the movies for the first time in my life, alone........I went to see , No Time to Die, the latest James Bond film........I sat in the back row by myself. 

annie123:  Good for you! That must've been hard but I hope you felt better after going. I imagine the first few times we do things that we use to do with our loved ones will be hard but maybe get a little easier the more we do it. People really have no idea how difficult things are for us or how we are affected. 

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.