Members Popular Post Roses Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 My amazing husband died in April just before his 57th birthday. He worked in the auto department of a retail store and we had avoided covid for an entire year. He was set to take a break from work to spend time with our handicap little boy. My husband said he was cold one night and then his vitals went crazy. I took him to the hospital after he had a confirmed positive test for Covid. Our little boy was in the back seat, he watched his daddy go in and never come back out. I went into the hospital a week later with covid and was discharged the day before my husband died. I couldn't be with him and the nurse held his hand as he died. We were married 24 years and all throughout our marriage he called me "his most precious one". I would look out the window as he went off to work and he would hold up the Signed word: I love you with one hand. A month later we lost our little boy and then our house and even our dog and cat. I lost everything. Someone told me to breathe, and each day I try to do just that. If breathing is the only thing I can manage for the day then so be it. My husband was the most amazing father, our little boy was the joy and love of our lifes. I went for a walk the other day and stood on a observation platform overlooking a bog. The breeze was blowing gently and leaves were falling. Tears dripped from my eyes and down my cheeks to the ground like each one of those little leaves on the tree branches. There was one little leaf, yellow with brown spots way past its season which refused to let go of its branch. It held on tightly trying its best not to let the spring which sprouted it forth pass by into the fall. For several months now I have held on tightly, cherished his words to me, listened to our favorite things, remembered his amazing love towards me and our little boy. I sought out counseling only to find them too expensive for my budget and finally have found this place where it is my hope to do more than just breathe for the day. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AJN Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 I am so sorry . I feel your pain . My 49 y/o husband is dying from aggressive cancer . 6 months ago he was full of life and now he can’t even get up from the lift chair without help , even holding his head without support is impossible. The doctor gave him weeks to live. My husband , just like yours is so special . Whenever I called him , or came to visit him he would say “ Hello my beautiful wife “ , we have been married for 25 years and I can’t imagine living without him . So I hear you , I understand you, I SEE your pain ! I am probably not the best person to give you advice about how to survive the grief because I am draining in it myself. But please remember - you are blessed ! Most people search in vain for love - you found it !!! You know how it feels to be truly loved. So do I ! So yea it hurts and it will co to use to hurt but we must try to survive for the men who loved us! I five that living one day at the time is an impossible task , too hard . So instead I just concentrate on living one hour at the time. I do believe in God so I just ask for strength to survive one hour and before I know the whole day passes . May I ask , how did you loose your little boy ?. My love , my heart is with you as you go through this hard journey . I’ve been told it gets better . I hope so . 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 Roses, I want to welcome you here with open arms, my heart breaks hearing your story, so much loss, so much pain. My other grief site saved my life over 16 years ago when I lost my husband. It's adm/owner is a retired grief counselor, and she's an amazing source of information, I've saved so many of her articles over the last six years, I wish I had from the beginning, she avails herself to everyone who comes there, responds to them. I will give you a link to her website if you ever want to use it. Not to pull anyone away from here, this place has tons more traffic but the mods have reg. jobs in addition so can't be everywhere. https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/ https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/links-to.html (articles) I've found purpose in helping fellow grievers with what I've been through and learned, and also diabetics (I'm mod/adm of diabetic groups), I believe in using what we've been through/learned, kind of like John Walsh did (with missing persons). My husband was barely 51 when he died suddenly/unexpectedly (heart with diabetic complications), he'd done what the doctors said and it resulted in death, his birthday banner still up. I've since been diagnosed and learned everything they tell us is all wrong, I now have mine under control with diet/exercise/fasting. I've learned so much in both of these journeys...a lot of us here have but I doubt there's a one of us who wouldn't trade it all to have five more minutes back with them. Sigh... Everyone's grief journey is unique, we learn to do what brings us comfort. In the beginning I didn't see how I could do a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life, 40 years or more! I couldn't fathom that, and it brought me great anxiety to think about it. I've learned to do one day at a time, I do that still, in so doing practicing living in the moment. I ascribe to the verse "Do not worry about tomorrow for each day has enough trouble of its own." That's a for sure! What I've learned in this is that in order to fully appreciate what IS, it's important to embrace life in the moment...day 11 of my journey God placed a refrigerator magnet in my path that has changed my life...pictured here. I bought it and display it still. I've led grief support groups and always make everyone one. It taught me to LOOK for good in my day, nothing too small to count, my big joy (George) is gone, but there are what I call little joys, a phone call from a sister or friend, a puppy's kiss, seeing a butterfly, a stranger letting me merge in traffic (nothing short of a miracle!), paying my bills, making a new friend. AJN, you are so right, in the early grief times a whole day can be too much to take on, so I, too, did an hour, sometimes having to break it down to one minute at a time. Anticipatory Grief and Mourning Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources This is for both of you: Grief Process I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 Here's a link to griefhealing's blog list (see months on the right) https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/source-having-served-as-moderator-for.html 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 @Roses I hardly know what to say. The losses you have had, one right on top of another, are almost impossible to fathom. And you had to go through some of it while ill and hospitalized yourself. I am so sorry that you find yourself here with us, but I promise that this is a really comforting place to be. Our experiences are unique, but we on all walking the same grief road together. For now, the cliche holds true: Just get through one day and one hour at a time. With a great deal of time and help from people who understand (like the members here), our burdens do become more bearable. But it's not ever easy and it's not "better" in the way people who haven't been where we are might want to believe. We will never be who we were. How could we be? I read advice from KayC and others to try to find one good thing each day. No matter how small or fleeting, just one thing that might bring a moment of respite and even a small smile. I guess it was about 10 months after I lost my husband that I started doing that. It helped to smile at a beautiful day and to say to my love, "Look how pretty it is outside." There were months when I didn't believe I'd ever smile again, much less feel even a tiny bit of happiness. Now, as I go through my fourth year, I've found time of happiness and light. A different happiness, to be sure, but a type of happiness none the less. It took a long time too before I didn't feel that every glimmer of hope or light, every smile or little laugh, wasn't a betrayal of our love and his loss. Do you have a safe place to live right now? That's a concern from some of our members and is an added stress on top of everything else. 17 hours ago, Roses said: I sought out counseling only to find them too expensive for my budget and finally have found this place where it is my hope to do more than just breathe for the day. Have you checked about counseling options through local hospitals or hospice organizations? Many have free or sliding scale therapists or small group sessions at no cost. Regardless, this is a good place to be. I found it when I was feeling lost and hopeless, even though I had a small, loyal circle of friends and family around me. Being able to talk to people who not only understood me, but who wouldn't judge and who would encourage, made all the difference in the world. Not right away, but over time, I began to see light and bits of hope through the darkness. And then one day about 18 months after, I was able to "look back" and see that I had taken steps forward, small ones, but many of them, into a life I can live without my love. It will never be as rich, full, and happy, but it is a life that I'm learning to embrace. Give yourself time. Come here to talk, question, rant, and "scream." And in time, I think you will be able to do more than simply breathe through the day. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 Roses i am without words...i send to you a huge hug! Hope you can find some comfort with us 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 There are counselors at a sliding scale, we got my daughter one there when she needed it desperately, my sisters and I chipped in to pay for it but she was low income so it gave a good rate. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 I am sorry for your loss, Roses and the pain you are enduring. Yours is such a tragic story of loss and sorrow. What you wrote about the leaves was beautiful. Keep writing. Maybe it will help you get through this terrible time. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us here....that's what we do and it helps. The others on here can best relate to our grief and pain. They are wonderful people. So if you can't afford a counselor right now please come on here and let us know how you are doing, good or bad. Keep writing.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted October 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2021 @Roses I am so very sorry for your losses. Your story is heart-rending. You are in my prayers. I hope you can find a bit of comfort here. << HUGS >> 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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