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My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly


Alonne now

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5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

It is common that I will cry terribly right before I go into work.

Jemiga70:  If you don't mind me asking and you don't have to answer but, why do you think you cry before going into work? Is it because you want to get as much out before work so you can hold it in until you get home again?  

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10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

 Might be related  to the fact that  I talk to my wife out loud in the morning over tea before I go out. ( I’m lucky that I live alone.)  That brings up memories, regrets, sadness of missing her in the physical etc.

Jemiga70:  It's quite understandable that you miss talking with your wife over morning tea. Seems the habits and rituals we had with our loved ones was suddenly taken from us when they passed away. For my husband and I, it was our morning coffee. I miss that time with him. And since I don't have my own place right now, I can't sit with my coffee and talk to him or his spirit. It was a time for just the two of us and no one else. Those times were precious. Tears, tears and more tears...  

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That is beautiful...
 

Siegfried Sassoon - 1886-1967

In the grey summer garden I shall find you With day-break and the morning hills behind you. There will be rain-wet roses; stir of wings; And down the wood a thrush that wakes and sings. Not from the past you'll come, but from that deep Where beauty murmurs to the soul asleep: And I shall know the sense of life re-born From dreams into the mystery of morn Where gloom and brightness meet. And standing there Till that calm song is done, at last we'll share The league-spread, quiring symphonies that are Joy in the world, and peace, and dawn’s one star.

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Thank you KayC.

This poem is capturing the grace and beauty of my love and conveys at the same time the finality of death. I like especially the part I quoted. 
It seems to tell me it is in the slices between time I can reach and find the love of my life. At the same time it makes me feel the bottomless sorrow of having lost her in this life.

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On 10/7/2021 at 10:04 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry, my husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications, he was in the hospital with it and they wouldn't let me be with him when he died.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, we were always together when not working.  He was my everything.  It was hard to see how the sun could go on shining without him in it!

That was 16 years ago...I've learned to take one day at a time as the whole "rest of my life" was too much to take on.  Focusing is very hard as we go through grief fog/widow's brain, whatever you want to call it, it amounts to the same thing.  It can take some time to get back our concentration. 
Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Widow Brain
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources

Also:
Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

So helpful. Thank you so much for posting this, for writing this. So so sorry  that you have suffered such a loss too. 

15 hours ago, John9 said:

Nes,

I am sorry for your loss, My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday (Sadderday) and they are terrible for me because she worked during the week and weekends were our time and all of this is just terrible in every way. It was 33 weeks ago yesterday so I have been "reminded" 33 times as if I need to be reminded. What I posted earlier will or would also relate to you as well, come here and read, vent, cry, advise or whatever may help you to process your grief. There is no easy answer because I have found this to be the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I myself don't expect this to end until I die, but I am not in charge of my time here on earth and I am just trying to make it. I wake up crying and I cry all through the day and I cry every night and it really hurts, we were married for 34 years (together for 35) and probably weren't apart for more than 14 days in the entire time so I really miss her because neither one of us could sleep if the other wasn't in the bed and now......

I feel a little bit of relief to have found this site and a post where people have suffered a similar loss. Thank you for responding to me. 

15 hours ago, John9 said:

Nes,

I am sorry for your loss, My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday (Sadderday) and they are terrible for me because she worked during the week and weekends were our time and all of this is just terrible in every way. It was 33 weeks ago yesterday so I have been "reminded" 33 times as if I need to be reminded. What I posted earlier will or would also relate to you as well, come here and read, vent, cry, advise or whatever may help you to process your grief. There is no easy answer because I have found this to be the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I myself don't expect this to end until I die, but I am not in charge of my time here on earth and I am just trying to make it. I wake up crying and I cry all through the day and I cry every night and it really hurts, we were married for 34 years (together for 35) and probably weren't apart for more than 14 days in the entire time so I really miss her because neither one of us could sleep if the other wasn't in the bed and now......

I feel a little bit of relief to have found this site and a post where people have suffered a similar loss. Thank you for responding to me. 

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17 hours ago, Nes said:

He died the day of our 40th anniversary. 2 weeks after was his birthday. 2 weeks after that was my birthday.

That is so hard!  My husband died 5 days after his 51stt bdy, totally unexpected/sudden, taking my life with him..  Heart attack with diabetic complications.  He'd complained of classic heart symptoms but his doctor never sent him to a cardiologist and disregarded him.  In time I hope you will be able to remember the good about the day and not only the bad but honestly, it may take a very long time to reach that point.  It takes all of us a while to think of them with a smile instead of gut wrenching tears.

My heart goes out to you in your loss.  :wub:

 

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1 hour ago, Nes said:

I don’t know what the holidays will bring

I'm sure we'll post more on the subject as they approach...it's important to honor ourselves and what we're going through and not expect ourselves to be as "usual" during holidays.  Sometimes it means we establish new traditions in lieu of the old ones, some carry on with what they always did, for some it's way too impossible.
Holiday Tips
Holiday Traditions WYG
Holiday Griever
Holiday grief

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