Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 8 weeks ago my wife, the love of my life died suddenly and unexpectedly. One moment everything was ok, we had so many plans for the future and suddenly she fell over. 30 minutes later she died in my arms. The paramedics told me it was a sudden cardiac arrest and they couldn’t help her. This is the shock of my life and I don’t know how to go on. To make matters even worse my father died just one week later also unexpectedly. I am devastated. Even though it has been two months I can’t think of anything else. How is it possible to go on with life? sorry for my English. I’m not an native speaker. 3 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Diane R. E. Posted October 7, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 Alonne now; I am so very, very sorry for your loss - I'm heart broken for you. Today is the one year mark of my husband's passing, and tomorrow I am attending the memorial service and burial for his brother-in-law. Although grief is unique for everyone, I understand your feelings as does everyone else on this forum. Please keep coming here to read and to post what is on your heart. Others will be along to give you some nuggets of wisdom. This is the hardest journey any of us has ever been on, but you are not alone. Sending you virtual hugs. 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted October 7, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 Alonne now, I am so very sorry for your loss of your wife. And then to have your father pass the next week is awful. It is a terrible shock. Don't try to figure out the future right now, just focus on getting through today. Today is difficult enough on it's own. In time your brain will clear, but for now just limit yourself to what has to be done today. All of us have arrived here by different paths, but whether we lost our spouse through an accident or illness, suicide or victim of violence, we share the experience of having our lives shattered before our eyes. None of us want to be on this grief journey, but here we can talk to others who understand the enormity of our pain. Friends and family who have never lost their spouse often have no clue as to how devastating this is for us. Here we get it. I hope you can find some comfort here, sharing your story, venting your frustrations and fears, or just reading the posts of others, to see that you are not alone in your despair. We are all sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome. Gail 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 7, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 Thank you for replying. I am teacher and are having trouble concentrating on my work. Tears are constantly about to flow. I don’t know how to cope. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 7, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 I am so sorry, my husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications, he was in the hospital with it and they wouldn't let me be with him when he died. I didn't see how I could live a week without him, we were always together when not working. He was my everything. It was hard to see how the sun could go on shining without him in it! That was 16 years ago...I've learned to take one day at a time as the whole "rest of my life" was too much to take on. Focusing is very hard as we go through grief fog/widow's brain, whatever you want to call it, it amounts to the same thing. It can take some time to get back our concentration. Grief brain-loss of mind Grief Brain-Widows Brain Widow Brain Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources Also: Grief Process I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 7, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 Alonne now: I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing. The grief makes it hard to think straight and feel heavy. None of us on here knew how to cope so that's why we are here. We share our feelings and stories and learn from each other because we are going through the same grief. Don't be afraid to speak up and let us know how you are feeling (good or bad). We understand when others don't. We will be here for you. Take good care of yourself. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 8, 2021 @Alonne now I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife and father. You are not alone in your feelings of devastation at the suddenness of everything. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago -- right in front of my eyes as she was preparing to go into the ICU. I was the last person on earth that she looked at. I haven't been able to think of much else but her in the last 5 months... I'm sure I am still in shock and the fog of grief, and it's torture. There are no days without tears. Like you, I have trouble concentrating at work. I've learned that this is normal in grief, though I don't like it. I wish I had some kind of magic pill to ease all of our suffering, but all I can say is that you are not alone in your grief. You are with people here who can relate. What has helped me is to read posts and write when I needed to vent or lend support in some small way to someone who is suffering. This forum has been a Godsend, and there are good people here with far more wisdom than I could offer. I hope you will find some comfort here. 4 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted October 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 8, 2021 Alonne now, I’m also so very sorry for loss of your wife and father. The previous posters gave great advice and insight. I hope we can help you here. No one can tell you how to process your grief. You do what’s right for you. Focus on yourself, and ask for help when need it. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. God bless, Steve 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 9, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 9, 2021 Alonne now: Hope you are doing okay and taking it easy on yourself this weekend. The weekends are the hardest for some of us, as that was the time we'd get to spend more time with our beloveds. I'd tell you to keep busy but I know better. Keeping busy acts as a distraction from our grief but only for so long. Of course, it's healthy to stay busy but when you need time to cry and to grieve or be alone, trying to get busy with something else almost makes it impossible. So if your able to, grieve when/how you want. Best not to hold back. These days I am having to hold my grief back until I am alone but hopefully my current living arrangements are only temporary. Then, once I get my own place, I will probably let the tears roll whenever they feel like. So there is "delayed grief" but then there is delayed grief, like the kind I am having to get through right now. Take advantage of any time you can. 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 10, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 10, 2021 Thank you all of you for good words. Family and friends do not really understand what this is like. I am having a hard time to process both my wife and my fathers death. It feels like it is just too much to carry at the same time. It’s chaos inside me. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 10, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Alonne now said: I am having a hard time to process both my wife and my fathers death. It is too much at once it seems! I'm so sorry, I had one death after another after another but not at the same time thankfully but did lose pets shortly after losing my husband, I know John has been through that too. It's iimportant to grieve them individually but hard when both are uppermost on your mind and heart. Multiple Losses 18 hours ago, tnd said: So if your able to, grieve when/how you want. Yes, this. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 11, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 Tonight I dreamed for the first time about my wife. In the dream I was in our garden and could hear her in our house and then see her through the windows. I ran inside shouting her name so happy she had come back but she wasn’t there, I couldn’t find her. I could see she had started to clean the house, chairs where on the table like we do when cleaning the floors. Today I am having a hard time grieving really hard, only crying. But I think I will finish what my love started, clean the floors, the house. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 I know doing tasks that my wife did gives me solace. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that it feels like she never passed. Then, I wake up, but I’m glad that I had the dream. We are all thinking of you brother. God bless, Steve 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 11, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 Wow, this was a huge sign, a gift to you, (I take it that...) she is here with you in spirit. Beautiful contact! 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted October 11, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 On 10/6/2021 at 3:50 PM, Alonne now said: How is it possible to go on with life? Welcome. I'm so very sorry you lost the love of your life. You've found a good place to be with members who understand because it happened to us too. We are all different in our experiences, where we are in life, and our relationships. But we are walking our individual paths on the same road together. Honestly, this is a question most of us ask, especially in the first year or so. I cannot say it gets easier, not exactly, but time does help us learn how to move forward (not moving on or getting over it because that never happens) into a different life while we figure out how to carry our grief along with our love and memories. I would be shocked if you were not falling apart, crying, and having trouble thinking and concentrating at this point. Losing our soulmates rips a huge hole in our lives and shatters our hearts. Our minds are affected too. It is called grief brain or brain fog. It can make us feel as if we are losing our minds and, in a way, we are. The world no longer makes sense and the one person we could always count on for love, support, and comfort is the one who is missing. For now, I am afraid the best advice I can give is the cliche you have heard to take one day at a time. Just get through the day, doing what must be done, and be patient with yourself. Society might expect us to just go through a short, defined path and come out the other side "normal" and ourselves again. Society is full of it! That is not how grief works, especially this tearing of our lives, expectations, and hearts. Come here to talk, question, rant, and "scream" when you need it. Finding the caring members here helped me during my darkest times and helps me now. I hope it helps you too. Your English is excellent; no need to apologize at all. 6 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 On 10/11/2021 at 5:36 PM, Alonne now said: Tonight I dreamed for the first time about my wife @Alonne now I hope your dream brought you some consolation. It is amazing isn't it? My wife also has appeared in many of my dreams, either symbolically or she was actually there - but she ALWAYS looks much younger, maybe 15-20 years younger than when she passed. Crying seems to be part of the package of grief. For me it comes in waves. It is unpredictable. It is common that I will cry terribly right before I go into work. Wishing you comfort, man. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post yvo4848 Posted October 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 My hubby passed away sept 16 my dog passed away feb 7..unreal found out he had lung cancer .He was 66 ,im still in my home its been 19 days alone no friends coming to see me ,,My fault I wish to be alone.Im still walking my dogs and eating healthier than before my sugar is well.he wasn't a good hubby but I did love him.Im so sorry for you loss ,But im going thru grief has I write this. Contact me if you wish yvonnespearing@msn.com maybe we can help each other,yvonne 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: It is common that I will cry terribly right before I go into work. Jemiga70: If you don't mind me asking and you don't have to answer but, why do you think you cry before going into work? Is it because you want to get as much out before work so you can hold it in until you get home again? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2021 @tnd I dont mind your asking. I dont plan the crying. It seems to come at that time of day. Might be related to the fact that I talk to my wife out loud in the morning over tea before I go out. ( I’m lucky that I live alone.) That brings up memories, regrets, sadness of missing her in the physical etc. Mornings are harder than evenings. Theres a certain amount of social decorum I have to maintain just to get through the day — even though I dont wanna be here at all now because whats the point — whereas when the day is over I dont care about anything till next morning. I am actually amazed that so far I havent gone completely off the rails with sleep deprivation or alcohol abuse. Full credit to my wife who remains close by in spirit. Apathy looms large though. Another component of grief. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 13, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2021 Alcohol doesn't help anyway because it's a depressant, not something we need more of! Otherwise we probably all would have drank ourselves to death by now. Nights/weekends were hardest for me. I've gotten used to being alone long before now, but it was never my preference and life continues to be challenging/a struggle. I miss having someone that cares. Someone to share in life with. People don't understand Covid isolation when you're widowed is a whole other torment. Right now I know 11 people with Covid, 10 of them in my tiny church family so even it is closed now. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted October 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 13, 2021 9 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Full credit to my wife who remains close by in spirit. I hear ya Jemiga70. Having my wife’s spirit close by got me through the worst of my grief. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2021 10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: Might be related to the fact that I talk to my wife out loud in the morning over tea before I go out. ( I’m lucky that I live alone.) That brings up memories, regrets, sadness of missing her in the physical etc. Jemiga70: It's quite understandable that you miss talking with your wife over morning tea. Seems the habits and rituals we had with our loved ones was suddenly taken from us when they passed away. For my husband and I, it was our morning coffee. I miss that time with him. And since I don't have my own place right now, I can't sit with my coffee and talk to him or his spirit. It was a time for just the two of us and no one else. Those times were precious. Tears, tears and more tears... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 14, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 In my heart, I miss her. Not long ago on a beautiful day. 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 14, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 Beautiful picture, so serene, of course you miss her...we always will. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted October 14, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 What a lovely, peaceful picture. You will miss her every day, just as I miss my John. I don't believe that will ever change. Keep your love uppermost in your heart whenever you can. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted October 14, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 14, 2021 Awesome inspiring and lovely photo. A beautiful memory. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 16, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 Tommorow is my loves birthday. Have no words to describe how this feels but needed to share. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 16, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 I'm sorry, very hard... https://whatsyourgrief.com/deceased-loved-ones-birthday/ (Special Days) https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted October 16, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 16, 2021 Milestone days hit hard. Sharing feelings and thoughts always helped me. We are glad you are posting. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 17, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 17, 2021 @Alonne now Holding you in my heart today... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 17, 2021 On 10/16/2021 at 9:50 PM, Alonne now said: Tommorow is my loves birthday. Have no words to describe how this feels but needed to share. @Alonne now I think I have some idea of how you are feeling. My wife's birthday in June was also about 8 weeks after she had passed. It was a tough and tearful day for me. She would've turned 50. Wishing you some peace today. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted October 19, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 19, 2021 This poem makes me cry. In the grey summer garden I shall find you With day-break and the morning hills behind you. There will be rain-wet roses; stir of wings; And down the wood a thrush that wakes and sings. Not from the past you'll come, but from that deep Where beauty murmurs... 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 19, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 19, 2021 That is beautiful... Idyll Siegfried Sassoon - 1886-1967 In the grey summer garden I shall find you With day-break and the morning hills behind you. There will be rain-wet roses; stir of wings; And down the wood a thrush that wakes and sings. Not from the past you'll come, but from that deep Where beauty murmurs to the soul asleep: And I shall know the sense of life re-born From dreams into the mystery of morn Where gloom and brightness meet. And standing there Till that calm song is done, at last we'll share The league-spread, quiring symphonies that are Joy in the world, and peace, and dawn’s one star. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alonne now Posted October 19, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2021 Thank you KayC. This poem is capturing the grace and beauty of my love and conveys at the same time the finality of death. I like especially the part I quoted. It seems to tell me it is in the slices between time I can reach and find the love of my life. At the same time it makes me feel the bottomless sorrow of having lost her in this life. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 20, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 20, 2021 Perhaps frame it and put it somewhere you can glance at it often. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 24, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 24, 2021 Alonne now, I am sorry for your loss, you are correct that nobody understands except the ones who have gone through something like this kind of grief. As others have said it is personal and no one can tell you what to feel or how to do it but this forum has helped me. I don't think I would be able to keep going without the support from everyone here. Sadly the last 2 years (almost) have not been good for me, My loving wife and I lost 3 of our animal friends in 2020 and then in January 2021 I lost a friend of 37 years and in March my wife of 35 years died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was caring for her Mother with dementia and she died in August and then in October my wife's cousin died at 38 and I lost our last dog in June so when you talk about grieving we all have our stories and can understand in our own ways. I am not comparing just explaining my path to why I am here. I come here to vent, complain cry and whatever you want to call it and I accept all words of comfort and all help I receive. I hope that you find some peace in the words that are given in the way they are meant. I know I have. I am glad that you have good dreams about your wife as I don't have any dreams that I remember. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 31, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 Alonne now, I hope that are doing okay. I know that might not sound right because if you are anything like I am you are not doing okay but I am just checking to see. I know this forum has helped me but grief is too personal and sometimes you don't want to interact with others. I just want you to know that "we" do care. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Nes Posted October 31, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 I can so relate to you Alonne. My husband passed 2 months ago, suddenly and unexpectedly during his sleep. A silent heart attack I was told. He died the day of our 40th anniversary. 2 weeks after was his birthday. 2 weeks after that was my birthday. These are the hardest days of my life. I cry every day. I loved him so much. I feel all of your same pain. Reading through the responses have both raised emotions and provide some solace and seemingly good advice. It’s Sunday, the day he passed, always the worst day for me. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 31, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Nes said: always the worst day for me. Nes, I am sorry for your loss, My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday (Sadderday) and they are terrible for me because she worked during the week and weekends were our time and all of this is just terrible in every way. It was 33 weeks ago yesterday so I have been "reminded" 33 times as if I need to be reminded. What I posted earlier will or would also relate to you as well, come here and read, vent, cry, advise or whatever may help you to process your grief. There is no easy answer because I have found this to be the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I myself don't expect this to end until I die, but I am not in charge of my time here on earth and I am just trying to make it. I wake up crying and I cry all through the day and I cry every night and it really hurts, we were married for 34 years (together for 35) and probably weren't apart for more than 14 days in the entire time so I really miss her because neither one of us could sleep if the other wasn't in the bed and now...... 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted October 31, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 31, 2021 Nes, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will find comfort on this forum, we all have a journey of grief here. My wife passed away last October, and it has been a hectic month this year. It was my birthday on the 3rd, my grandson's 1st birthday on the 7th, my deceased FIL's birthday on the 8th, a granddaughter was born on the 22nd last week, and my wife passed away last year on the 24th. So many events that should be happy, but there's always knowing that my wife is no longer here and everything is bittersweet. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nes Posted November 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 On 10/7/2021 at 10:04 AM, KayC said: I am so sorry, my husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications, he was in the hospital with it and they wouldn't let me be with him when he died. I didn't see how I could live a week without him, we were always together when not working. He was my everything. It was hard to see how the sun could go on shining without him in it! That was 16 years ago...I've learned to take one day at a time as the whole "rest of my life" was too much to take on. Focusing is very hard as we go through grief fog/widow's brain, whatever you want to call it, it amounts to the same thing. It can take some time to get back our concentration. Grief brain-loss of mind Grief Brain-Widows Brain Widow Brain Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources Also: Grief Process I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. So helpful. Thank you so much for posting this, for writing this. So so sorry that you have suffered such a loss too. 15 hours ago, John9 said: Nes, I am sorry for your loss, My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday (Sadderday) and they are terrible for me because she worked during the week and weekends were our time and all of this is just terrible in every way. It was 33 weeks ago yesterday so I have been "reminded" 33 times as if I need to be reminded. What I posted earlier will or would also relate to you as well, come here and read, vent, cry, advise or whatever may help you to process your grief. There is no easy answer because I have found this to be the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I myself don't expect this to end until I die, but I am not in charge of my time here on earth and I am just trying to make it. I wake up crying and I cry all through the day and I cry every night and it really hurts, we were married for 34 years (together for 35) and probably weren't apart for more than 14 days in the entire time so I really miss her because neither one of us could sleep if the other wasn't in the bed and now...... I feel a little bit of relief to have found this site and a post where people have suffered a similar loss. Thank you for responding to me. 15 hours ago, John9 said: Nes, I am sorry for your loss, My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly on a Saturday (Sadderday) and they are terrible for me because she worked during the week and weekends were our time and all of this is just terrible in every way. It was 33 weeks ago yesterday so I have been "reminded" 33 times as if I need to be reminded. What I posted earlier will or would also relate to you as well, come here and read, vent, cry, advise or whatever may help you to process your grief. There is no easy answer because I have found this to be the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I myself don't expect this to end until I die, but I am not in charge of my time here on earth and I am just trying to make it. I wake up crying and I cry all through the day and I cry every night and it really hurts, we were married for 34 years (together for 35) and probably weren't apart for more than 14 days in the entire time so I really miss her because neither one of us could sleep if the other wasn't in the bed and now...... I feel a little bit of relief to have found this site and a post where people have suffered a similar loss. Thank you for responding to me. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Nes Posted November 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 13 hours ago, Sparky1 said: Nes, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you will find comfort on this forum, we all have a journey of grief here. My wife passed away last October, and it has been a hectic month this year. It was my birthday on the 3rd, my grandson's 1st birthday on the 7th, my deceased FIL's birthday on the 8th, a granddaughter was born on the 22nd last week, and my wife passed away last year on the 24th. So many events that should be happy, but there's always knowing that my wife is no longer here and everything is bittersweet. Thank you for sharing your recent experience with these life events. I don’t know what the holidays will bring, but I am learning that each day is different and I cannot plan for what my emotions may be. I guess as they say, one day, actually most days one moment at a time. So glad to have found this place to share. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 17 hours ago, Nes said: He died the day of our 40th anniversary. 2 weeks after was his birthday. 2 weeks after that was my birthday. That is so hard! My husband died 5 days after his 51stt bdy, totally unexpected/sudden, taking my life with him.. Heart attack with diabetic complications. He'd complained of classic heart symptoms but his doctor never sent him to a cardiologist and disregarded him. In time I hope you will be able to remember the good about the day and not only the bad but honestly, it may take a very long time to reach that point. It takes all of us a while to think of them with a smile instead of gut wrenching tears. My heart goes out to you in your loss. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Nes said: I don’t know what the holidays will bring I'm sure we'll post more on the subject as they approach...it's important to honor ourselves and what we're going through and not expect ourselves to be as "usual" during holidays. Sometimes it means we establish new traditions in lieu of the old ones, some carry on with what they always did, for some it's way too impossible. Holiday Tips Holiday Traditions WYG Holiday Griever Holiday grief 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Alonne now Posted December 30, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2021 Christmas without the love of my life. It is very hard, I miss her more than I can put in words. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted December 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2021 12 minutes ago, Alonne now said: Christmas without the love of my life. It is very hard, I miss her more than I can put in words. Alonne now, I understand how hard it is to express the loss. The picture you posted is sadly beautiful, if you know what I mean. I try to express my feelings and mostly it seems to come out jumbled or rambling, however the people on this forum/site seem to understand what I mean. Thankfully I found it. I miss my loving wife more each day and I don't know how I am supposed to keep going and yet here I am. All we can do is try and I believe that they understand or know how much we miss them and LOVE them still, because if we didn't I don't think it would hurt as much as it does. That is me saying what I feel, I am no expert by any means. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted December 30, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Alonne now said: Christmas without the love of my life. It is very hard, I miss her more than I can put in words. Alonne now, That is a beautiful picture and I have tears in my eyes. I love the roses, my wife also loved red roses. I'm still having a hard time after Christmas, everything I see in the house reminds me of how she is not here anymore. I sympathize with you. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted December 31, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Sparky1 said: That is a beautiful picture and I have tears in my eyes. I love the roses, my wife also loved red roses. I'm still having a hard time after Christmas, everything I see in the house reminds me of how she is not here anymore. I sympathize with you. Sparky1, I am having the same problem, everything in the house reminds me that my loving wife isn't here. Christmas was hard and January would have been our 35th Wedding Anniversary too. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 31, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted December 31, 2021 The picture you shared is very touching and beautiful. (((hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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