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My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly


Alonne now

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5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

It is common that I will cry terribly right before I go into work.

Jemiga70:  If you don't mind me asking and you don't have to answer but, why do you think you cry before going into work? Is it because you want to get as much out before work so you can hold it in until you get home again?  

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Alcohol doesn't help anyway because it's a depressant, not something we need more of!  Otherwise we probably all would have drank ourselves to death by now. ;)  Nights/weekends were hardest for me.  I've gotten used to being alone long before now, but it was never my preference and life continues to be challenging/a struggle.  I miss having someone that cares.  Someone to share in life with.  People don't understand Covid isolation when you're widowed is a whole other torment.  Right now I know 11 people with Covid, 10 of them in my tiny church family so even it is closed now.

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10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

 Might be related  to the fact that  I talk to my wife out loud in the morning over tea before I go out. ( I’m lucky that I live alone.)  That brings up memories, regrets, sadness of missing her in the physical etc.

Jemiga70:  It's quite understandable that you miss talking with your wife over morning tea. Seems the habits and rituals we had with our loved ones was suddenly taken from us when they passed away. For my husband and I, it was our morning coffee. I miss that time with him. And since I don't have my own place right now, I can't sit with my coffee and talk to him or his spirit. It was a time for just the two of us and no one else. Those times were precious. Tears, tears and more tears...  

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That is beautiful...
 

Siegfried Sassoon - 1886-1967

In the grey summer garden I shall find you With day-break and the morning hills behind you. There will be rain-wet roses; stir of wings; And down the wood a thrush that wakes and sings. Not from the past you'll come, but from that deep Where beauty murmurs to the soul asleep: And I shall know the sense of life re-born From dreams into the mystery of morn Where gloom and brightness meet. And standing there Till that calm song is done, at last we'll share The league-spread, quiring symphonies that are Joy in the world, and peace, and dawn’s one star.

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Thank you KayC.

This poem is capturing the grace and beauty of my love and conveys at the same time the finality of death. I like especially the part I quoted. 
It seems to tell me it is in the slices between time I can reach and find the love of my life. At the same time it makes me feel the bottomless sorrow of having lost her in this life.

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