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Dating


BBB

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So I'm trying to get back into the dating world. You know what I am finding? I am finding that 90% of the women out there are threatened, to various degrees, by the relationship I had with my spouse who passed away. This has caught me totally off guard as I myself have dated a couple of widows and aren't threatened at all. I keep getting that they feel like they'll never measure up to my wife. Has anyone experienced this? So bizarre to me.

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It depends upon the person's own sense of confidence and security, but then I wouldn't want someone who felt threatened by my loss!  JMO  It shows their ignorance, perhaps they just need to know YOU more and maybe educated about grief.  Only someone willing to go the mile...it seems immature to me but alot of people out there like that, I'm sure!

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Only someone willing to go the mile

Indeed.  I think it takes a really special and strong person to do that.  Someone who doesn't want us to leave our loves behind, but embraces that part of us, our history, and our loves and celebrates that it made us who we are today.

But the flip side is (and this happened with a friend's mom) that if that's all someone can talk about, their loss, pain, grief, and how wonderful their soulmate was, then IMO that person is not ready to consider a new relationship.  There does need to be balance, again IMO.

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I wouldn't go so far as to say he hasn't met the one yet as I don't know, too soon to tell, but she needs educated about this subject if she's to every grasp or understand it.  Shoot, even some marriage counselors wouldn't get it and would chide the widow for not "moving on,"  unless you have an understanding of loss/grief, someone wouldn't even get decent advice, or response.  I guess this is why some date other widows?

A friend of mine was widowed when her kids were young, she met another parent at t-ball, they married, and have been married for years now...he will not even allow her to hang a picture of her husband or speak his name, not even while their kids were growing up!  That is insane, I would not live like that just to not be alone.

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12 hours ago, widower2 said:

How lucky he was to find you! As others have said, many would not "get it" or have a good perspective on it.

This has been a touch and go topic for me in recent years. I am so - so - sick of being alone. And I don't mean to whine but really really alone - our "friends" abandoned me and I'm not close to my family, so it's been a kind of solitary confinement for me for a long time.

widower2:  After a very bad first marriage I intentionally did not date for a long time. Then I met my late husband. And he wasn't really looking to date anyone either. And yet, neither one of us wanted to be alone. We just kept things very low key, first becoming friends. It was easy in the way that we worked in the same office. That helped. I noticed he sat alone for lunch a lot so finally invited him to sit with me. That's how we started talking. I honestly had no idea we'd become more than "just friends". But I enjoyed his company very much and I wanted him to be my friend. For some reason, I trusted him more than I did the women in my office. He was actually the first person there that I wanted to be friends with both inside AND outside of work.

After sharing lunch together in the cafeteria at work, we then started meeting at the bowling alley, something neither one of us had done in a long time. From there, we "graduated" to going for a bite to eat afterwards. Just kept it all very casual. Sometimes and, I'm not kidding, we sat and talked and laughed so long at restaurants that we closed the place down...they had to tell us it was closing time! So, we definitely connected. Time flies by when you are with the right person.  And then from there, we skipped going bowling to go straight out to eat. AND THEN...I invited him over for a homecooked meal. Not that I'm a gourmet cook but I tell people that they'll never starve at my house. Well, maybe these days they would....Anyways, I made my husband a pot roast and he asked if he should bring some wine...I said yes. The next time he came for dinner, he brought wine again but also brought me roses...It was the start of a very beautiful relationship. But, it took time and luckily, we both had that on our side. 

Because he felt right and I was so comfortable with him, as wedding gift to my husband, I got him a money clip and had it inscribed with "To My Old Shoe.." 

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

What we look for when we're young and what we look for when we're old are two different things. 

KayC:  I have to agree with you on this. It should not only apply to dating but also to making new friends. We have to think of ourselves and what we can handle. Or not handle.  

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19 hours ago, tnd said:

I got him a money clip and had it inscribed with "To My Old Shoe.."

That is so special and it says a lot about you and his relationship. :wub:  I get it.

 

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On 10/16/2021 at 1:02 PM, tnd said:

I got him a money clip and had it inscribed with "To My Old Shoe.." 

I have to ask...was that a nod to a Kate Bush song?

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Dating would be one thing if it happened organically but now a days it’s all online.  Not saying that’s bad but actually taking the time to make a profile seems wrong somehow (for me). I just can’t do it.  That being said, my sister is getting married next week and she met her fiancé online and they are very happy.

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On 11/1/2021 at 7:27 PM, Perro J said:

I have to ask...was that a nod to a Kate Bush song?

Perro J:  I'm sorry but I've not heard of Kate Bush. I thought of it because of how comfortable my husband made me feel...like a favorite pair of old shoes. They may be old and worn but feel absolutely great. Like your favorite pair of old jeans or pajamas. I was very comfortable being with my husband. Guess that's how I knew he "was the one".

Now I will have to google Kate Bush... 

 

 

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I watched a Ted talk  a woman who lost her baby, dad, and husband, all within 2 months... and ends up remarrying.. Talks about how she still loves her husband, she has a great sense of humor. If they cant handle your past relationship, then they aren't the right one. So many people are insecure..
 

 

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I think for me, it's normal to feel threatened or to feel insecure. Having a previous relationship of 16 years (like I had) or more is already pressured on itself for the other person. I thought about if it happens, I'd probably wouldn't stop reassuring her and make sure I'd help her feel confident. But I honestly don't see myself dating or being in a relationship again in the future so I don't really worry about that.

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I've watched that talk too and while I agree with much of what she is saying, she is saying it after she's remarried. What's the point? The point is that while she can relate to all of the feelings each of us have and she can relate to losing a partner, best friend and spouse, she's remarried, had children again with someone else. She's seemingly happy again. 

I may get plenty of flack from the younger people here but in my experience, dating in your 50s vs dating in your 20s/30s is tremendously differently. People in their 50s have much more baggage and it complicates things. Younger people are still looking at life together for 40 or possibly 50 years and still grow old together. It's a little different scenario if we're all being 100% honest.

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I'm in my mid 30's, I've never "dated", I don't like the idea of dating (often people like to put a fake mask on, their best image of themselves to try an make an impression)  the relationship I had just happened out of friendship, and he was much older. I have known people in their 50s+ that have dated, or remarried. Neighbor right now is in his late 60's wife passed and is now engaged, landlord same thing late 60's and wife passed 2 years ago met someone about a year ago and are engaged.(neither of these men have much money so its not gold diggers) one of my art mentors is in his late 50's his wife passed away and he remarried 3 months later. It was unplanned for him, and just happened. What I have noticed is often it ends up being people they are already familiar with, or friends of friends. I don't understand dating, its hard to meet people to even be friends with unless you can meet them through people you already know. Being social seem harder now a days when I look at the past and how things used to be.

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Everyone's mileage may vary. I'm speaking me and my personal experiences. Most relationships start with friendship. I met my soulmate and we walked and talked in a part for months. There was an immediate physical attraction but the relationship grew and grew over time. 

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Id say truly good relationships do. What a sweet way to start the relationship with her. Just long walks and talks.. Sounds so nice.. <3

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It was. It was very fairy tell-like. People often say to me "You should feel lucky and/or be grateful that you had 27 years with her". And while I certainly am, it is that fact that makes losing her all the more painful.

 

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24 minutes ago, BBB said:

She's seemingly happy again. 

BUT always carrying within her that spot in her heart of missing him, that does not go away.  I have a friend who was widowed who had young children, met someone through her son's t-ball, married him, and he would not let her speak of her deceased husband, nor hang his picture!  That is so wrong to me, I would not, could not, live like that.  Now they're retired, kids long gone, but it's still so hard for her, our feelings and memories do not subside.

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My wife of 22 years has been gone for only 6 weeks, so the idea of dating just isn't something I think that much about.  The pain and shock of her passing away still dominates much of my life.  But I do believe at some point I will want the friendship and even companionship of another woman, I just don't know if it will be in 5 months or 5 years, but it will happen.  I don't think you can speed up the grieving process, but I do think it is different for everyone.  But for now, it really is just one day at a time.  

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I’m 25 years old, my husband passed away a month ago, so maybe I have a different view point than some on here. I was with my husband for 3 years, married for 1. I loved him dearly, and had amazing goals for the future with him. I’m not ready yet, and I don’t know when I will be or if I will be. But I do know that spending the rest of my life alone sounds dreadful. I’m not looking for the passionate, crazy and fun love I had with my husband- I feel that is once in a lifetime. I do however feel that I’d like someone to watch tv with, travel with or laugh with. The title of “widow” or “widower” seems to have negative connotations to others though. I think if they cannot accept my past, the love I had for my husband and the mental health issues I deal with because of my grief, then I’d rather be alone! But if I were to find a patient person who accepted that I carry the sadness of grief with me, then maybe in the future I would be open to seeing what there is. It’s almost like dating sounds nice, and remarriage sounds even better, but the thought of doing it and getting back out there sounds so horrible I doubt it’s worth it. Like @Allan mentioned, I guess it’s one day at a time for us.

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13 hours ago, Allan said:

My wife of 22 years has been gone for only 6 weeks, so the idea of dating just isn't something I think that much about.  The pain and shock of her passing away still dominates much of my life.  But I do believe at some point I will want the friendship and even companionship of another woman, I just don't know if it will be in 5 months or 5 years, but it will happen.  I don't think you can speed up the grieving process, but I do think it is different for everyone.  But for now, it really is just one day at a time.  

Welcome @Allan  I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest journey I've ever embarked on!  My husband had just had his 51st bdy and died on Father's Day 2005...we were supposed to grow old together, instead it's me growing old alone, he's been gone nearly 17 years now.  At first I didn't see how I could do a week without him!  It's hard to believe the days turned into years and I'm still here.  I STILL do one day at a time, anything more sends me into anxiety, I'm glad you've already figured that out.  And I agree 100% with what you shared.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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