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Dating


BBB

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So I'm trying to get back into the dating world. You know what I am finding? I am finding that 90% of the women out there are threatened, to various degrees, by the relationship I had with my spouse who passed away. This has caught me totally off guard as I myself have dated a couple of widows and aren't threatened at all. I keep getting that they feel like they'll never measure up to my wife. Has anyone experienced this? So bizarre to me.

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foreverhis

I haven't experienced it because I have no interest in dating, but one of the reasons is that I know myself.  Even if I met a perfectly wonderful man who I might have dated before I met John, I'd be looking at 35 years (37 if you count from when we first met) and would compare a new man to John, probably in every way.

May I ask how you broach the subject of your wife with them?  Of course it's important to be honest right up front, but if your life with and loss of your wife dominates your conversations with them, it would be only natural for any woman to be intimidated by that.  I know I would be.  I'd be thinking that maybe a wonderful, loyal man is not ready for a new relationship because his world is still wrapped up in the life he had with his one true love.

I do hope that you find a worthy companion.  I am always happy when someone can find and embrace love again, even though it's not for me.

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It depends upon the person's own sense of confidence and security, but then I wouldn't want someone who felt threatened by my loss!  JMO  It shows their ignorance, perhaps they just need to know YOU more and maybe educated about grief.  Only someone willing to go the mile...it seems immature to me but alot of people out there like that, I'm sure!

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, KayC said:

Only someone willing to go the mile

Indeed.  I think it takes a really special and strong person to do that.  Someone who doesn't want us to leave our loves behind, but embraces that part of us, our history, and our loves and celebrates that it made us who we are today.

But the flip side is (and this happened with a friend's mom) that if that's all someone can talk about, their loss, pain, grief, and how wonderful their soulmate was, then IMO that person is not ready to consider a new relationship.  There does need to be balance, again IMO.

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BBB:  Keep going. You just haven't met the right lady to be friends with yet. Yes, I said "friends". I am living proof that you can date after losing a spouse. My belated husband had lost his first wife to brain cancer. We became friends first and at the time, he was obviously still grieving. So we talked about that and his late wife sometimes. I was okay with it, in fact, I asked him questions about her and the things they liked doing together. I was curious and I also learned a lot about him that way. A little more than 3 years later, we married. So keep going until you find your own special friend.  

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I wouldn't go so far as to say he hasn't met the one yet as I don't know, too soon to tell, but she needs educated about this subject if she's to every grasp or understand it.  Shoot, even some marriage counselors wouldn't get it and would chide the widow for not "moving on,"  unless you have an understanding of loss/grief, someone wouldn't even get decent advice, or response.  I guess this is why some date other widows?

A friend of mine was widowed when her kids were young, she met another parent at t-ball, they married, and have been married for years now...he will not even allow her to hang a picture of her husband or speak his name, not even while their kids were growing up!  That is insane, I would not live like that just to not be alone.

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12 hours ago, widower2 said:

How lucky he was to find you! As others have said, many would not "get it" or have a good perspective on it.

This has been a touch and go topic for me in recent years. I am so - so - sick of being alone. And I don't mean to whine but really really alone - our "friends" abandoned me and I'm not close to my family, so it's been a kind of solitary confinement for me for a long time.

widower2:  After a very bad first marriage I intentionally did not date for a long time. Then I met my late husband. And he wasn't really looking to date anyone either. And yet, neither one of us wanted to be alone. We just kept things very low key, first becoming friends. It was easy in the way that we worked in the same office. That helped. I noticed he sat alone for lunch a lot so finally invited him to sit with me. That's how we started talking. I honestly had no idea we'd become more than "just friends". But I enjoyed his company very much and I wanted him to be my friend. For some reason, I trusted him more than I did the women in my office. He was actually the first person there that I wanted to be friends with both inside AND outside of work.

After sharing lunch together in the cafeteria at work, we then started meeting at the bowling alley, something neither one of us had done in a long time. From there, we "graduated" to going for a bite to eat afterwards. Just kept it all very casual. Sometimes and, I'm not kidding, we sat and talked and laughed so long at restaurants that we closed the place down...they had to tell us it was closing time! So, we definitely connected. Time flies by when you are with the right person.  And then from there, we skipped going bowling to go straight out to eat. AND THEN...I invited him over for a homecooked meal. Not that I'm a gourmet cook but I tell people that they'll never starve at my house. Well, maybe these days they would....Anyways, I made my husband a pot roast and he asked if he should bring some wine...I said yes. The next time he came for dinner, he brought wine again but also brought me roses...It was the start of a very beautiful relationship. But, it took time and luckily, we both had that on our side. 

Because he felt right and I was so comfortable with him, as wedding gift to my husband, I got him a money clip and had it inscribed with "To My Old Shoe.." 

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

What we look for when we're young and what we look for when we're old are two different things. 

KayC:  I have to agree with you on this. It should not only apply to dating but also to making new friends. We have to think of ourselves and what we can handle. Or not handle.  

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