Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

I had to let my best friend go and I don't know what to do


xkimdr

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hello all,

 

I am new here and I would just like to share my story cause I am afraid I'll go mad. I'm going to write it all down and hope someone will want to read and can bring me some comfort. So 3 years and 3 months ago me and my boyfriend (now fiancé) moved in together, it was our first place and after about two months we decided we wanted to get a cat. At this moment my sister was going through a breakup and she had to move back in with my parents, but she had a cat and my parents did too, they wouldn't get along cause my sisters cat was a very anxious, stresses and traumatised little lady. So, we decided to take her in until my sister found a place for herself. It was almost as if it was meant to be, the tiny calico lady called Mini was so quickly adapting to us, it was fascinating. She had a traumatised past from before she went to my sister and she went through a lot so she was just a little messed up, however it was like she found inner peace with us. She loved us right away and we loved her so together with my sister we agreed to keep her. What followed were 3 years and 3 months of intense love, she became our family, we were a triangle. She felt like our baby, my child and best friend and we did everything to make sure she was as comfortable as could be. She got super attached to us and we to her so I spend as much time as I could at home, I dedicated all my free time to her and would never have lots of people over because it made her anxious. Her life revolved around us and my life revolved around her. About 3 weeks ago, everything was fine as ever but then about 2 weeks ago I started noticing she was eating less and I thought it looked like she lost some weight as well. I couldn't lift her up (she wouldn't let me) so it was very hard to check these things. I was getting very worried and started googling, at first I thought maybe she had dental issues cause she was eating so little and it looked like it was hard for her to chew. After some more googling I also found out about kidney failure and I felt my heart sank into my chest. I am a very sensitive person and can usually feel in advance when something bad is going to happen. I decided to call the vet and to go through the traumatising experience of having to catch her and put her in the transport cage, I was so nervous and stressed I almost puked. At the vet's they checked her allover and didn't see anything weird, they checked her teeth but the vet said they looked fine and that she didn't see anything that should cause her pain. She asked us if we wanted to try with pain medication at home or check her blood work. We didn't wanna go through all of it again if the pain meds didn't work so we decided to get her blood checked. It was what I feared, kidney failure. the ureum and creatinine were very high and were causing her to feel poorly and nauseous which is why she wasn't eating. We had the choice of leaving her there to get her kidney's flushed for 3 days but there was no guarantee it would help and even if it did it would be temporarily. Because of how stressed she gets with the slightest change we decided we didn't wanna put her through that and potentially have that as the last thing on her mind. They gave her some extra fluids and medication agains the nausea and we took her home. The next week I spent on the internet 24/7 trying to find a cure and at first she seemed better, she was eating small amounts throughout the day if we encouraged her a lot, she was very cuddly and even played a little with the new toy we got her. However after a couple of days she was not eating anymore and even after the medication we gave her against the nausea, she was still gagging when she smelled food and we could not get her to eat. We upped the medication but still nothing. My fiancé went to the vet again to ask if they had anything different we could give her and they gave us medication that would trigger her appetite. Things went wrong very quickly from here. After an hour I think the medication kicked in and she was acting weirdly, she felt very weak and she almost fell over a few times, meowed loudly and one of her back paws was acting weirdly and I felt like she was breathing weird as well. Deep inside I knew that this was coming but I didn't want to think about it. I noticed over the past week that her breath had gotten so bad and the smell was even coming from her fur, everything inside me screamed something was very wrong and would not get better. We decided to call the vet once again and we could come that night. I had to catch her and put her in the transport cage again and it was terrible she was fighting me and even pooped on the way there out of fear. We talked to the vet and she was just very honest with us, we could decide to get her kidneys flushed or for them to give her some more fluids so we could have a few days to say goodbye. I really didn't want her to feel so miserable, she didn't deserve it, I also didn't wanna put her through all of this again in a few days, it felt like I would do it for us and not for her. So we decided the kindest thing to do would be put her to sleep, ever since I keep doubting myself if I did the right thing, if I didn't act too fast. When I got the bad news a week ago about her blood work I also got the news my grandma died, we had her funeral on Wednesday, Thursday was my birthday and that night we had to put poor Mini to sleep. I miss her so much and I cannot stop crying hysterically and uncontrollably, the thought of never having her there anymore when I come home, all of our little rituals and cuddles. I still think I hear her and want to call her and wait for her to come running down the stairs for cuddles. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel like my child, my best friend, my baby got ripped from my arms, from my family. Mini and my fiancé were home to me and now all feels lost, I feel hopeless and it feels like my heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces. When I think about how I will never hear her meows again or be able to pet her, I die a little inside. I feel such intense pain and sadness, it is unlike anything I have ever felt before. So far 3 people around me have talked about getting a new cat and it's not even been 48 hours and I can't stand it. I don't want a new cat, I want Mini back, she was taken too early, she was only 12 (or 11 or 13, I am not 100% sure because she was adopted) and I was hoping she would have so many more beautiful years with us. My fiancé is also really broken and sad and his endless support is absolutely helping me, I just can't stand the feeling that she is gone, I see her everywhere, I find her little hairs everywhere and I think I hear her footsteps and I would do anything to have her back. The only thing that mildly comforts me is thinking that her spirit is still here with us, just chilling around and going about as she always did, but without feeling miserable. But then looking at all the pictures and videos I have of her completely destroys me again, I miss her so dearly. How do I ever get over this?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss, yes they do seem like our babies, and we are so close, it's one of the hardest losses there is, imo.  When I lost my Arlie (dog) it felt akin to losing my husband all over again.  I've had many losses, but those two were the most acute.  And then if that was not enough, I lost 25 year old Kitty 4 1/2 months later...to kidney and liver failure.  But there's a big difference between losing them at that age and when they're young...you miss them acutely but have the satisfaction of knowing they lived a good long life...when they're young, you feel gypped, you feel THEY were gypped.

We go through all of the what ifs in early grief, trying to find a different possible outcome because the one that happened is just too hard to process.  Only there is no other outcome save the one that happened, and we don't have the benefit of hindsight when we make decisions, and it's usually too late by the time they have physical displays of illness.  They are good at shielding how they feel, part of their survival instinct so as not to appear vulnerable for prey.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

3 hours ago, xkimdr said:

How do I ever get over this?

I wrote this article from what I've found after having lost my husband years before...grief evolves so what stands out to you tomorrow may be different from today, and this isn't meant to be a one-size-fits-all, just what has helped me, for consideration now or later on down the road.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot. I am so sorry for your losses as well. They say time heals all wounds but at the moment I just feel beyond broken, unfixable. I can't even imagine going through what you've been through and I admire you for taking so much time to respond to everyone on this forum (I've been reading several topics and saw your name pop up everywhere) I hope it gives you some form of peace as well. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

They call me a wounded warrior, I know it helps to use what you've been through to help others going forward, such as John Walsh has done, so I help out on a couple of grief forums and also moderate and adm. a couple of diabetic groups, led a grief group up until Covid, likely will again.  My heart goes out to grievers.  Little did I know how my life would change in so many ways the day my heart broke...

This came to mind when I read your statement about feeling unfixable:

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9845-grief-brain/?do=findComment&comment=118453

Anne is a friend of mine I met on my other grief forum, a retired schoolteacher and grandmother who lives alone, having lost not only her husband but her Benji (dog).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.