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I miss you so much Lilo


Melalves7

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Melalves7

Hey all. Last Tuesday I lost my beloved cat Lilo. 
It all started around 2 weeks ago, I went on holiday and left Lilo, Nina , Snowball and Fiona with their Petsitter. The pet sitter kept me informed everyday, unfortunately on the day I arrived Fiona wasn’t feeling very well, so I contacted the vet, who prescribed me some medicine and in few days she was better. While Fiona got better, Lilo started with the same symptoms just few days after, so I started the same medicine that I gave to Fiona, which seems he was recovering but slower than Fiona. In the meantime I had to travel again and they were staying with a different Petsitter, which was instructed to give him the drops, as he seemed to be responding positively to it. It was a short 4 days journey which she kept me posted everyday, which one of the days she told me he used the litter box and ate ( hurray, he didn’t use it in the past few days ) so I thought he was better. She then messaged me the day after saying he’s feeling poorly again and that she didn’t manage to give the medicine to him. I arrived that night and he wasn’t feeling well at all, but naive me thought with some love and continuing with medicine would save him. The 2 days after he looked like he was a little bit better, so I thought I was curing him. The next day he looked poorly and when I picked him up he started screaming and it looked like he was having a seizure. I then decided to take him to the vet. On arrival they told me that he wasn’t well but they needed to do some exams and blood tests, we tried to do the blood tests but he was dehydrated so no blood was coming out. The vet suggested to keep him there in the vet in fluids overnight so they could improve his condition and also keep an eye on him during the night. I genuinely believed that he would be ok and that I would see him the next day. I said to him : well big boy, you have to stay here during the night but I will come to pick you up tomorrow. 
The next morning around 7am I get a call from the vet saying that he didn’t make it…

it was been 3 days and I can’t stop crying and blaming myself for taking too long to take him to the vet, as I thought the medication would cure him . I miss him so much, when tho I have 3 more cats, it is not the same. I didn’t think this would happen so early and suddenly as Lilo was only 2 years old. Wherever I look in this house, I see him. I hope one day he can forgive me and I hope he is not in pain anymore. This is so hard for me, I live by myself and everything has been on me. This cats are everything to me. I feel so lost without Lilo. This is definitely the worst days of my life until now. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Nothing seems to ease the pain of grief, save going through it, I know of no way around it as I surely would have found it by now if there was.  It's the hardest thing in the world and it seems to me losing our beloved pet is one of the hardest griefs as they are with us in our homes day in, day out, we have our interactions with them and now all is a reminder of their absence.  All the harder to lose one so young, so unfair.

I can't talk you out of your feeling guilty, as it's a feeling, but there's no way to know what we don't know...we don't have the benefit of retrospect at the time.  I know he does not blame you, but rather appreciate you and the care you gave him.

We all go through the what-ifs in early grief, as a way of trying to find some different possible outcome than the one that happened because this one is too hard for us to absorb, but there is only one reality and that's the one that happened, it takes much time to process it.  I lost my husband 16 1/2 years ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, and I went through all the what-ifs too, and also with my animals that have passed.  Death is very hard for us to process, it's traumatic to our brains.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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Melalves7

@KayC thank you so much for your kind words. Unfortunately I can’t get my head around it still… I miss him more every single day. I been crying everyday and I am crying typing this, just thinking of him. I still have to go to the vet to pick up his crate but I really can’t do that, as that was the last place I saw him alive. I just hope he’s now in peace and not suffering . I still can’t understand why did he have to die so young. I am also extremely sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you been through all this years. 
My cats are everything to me, as they saved my life. This house and my life will never be the same without Lilo 

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You are right that our lives are never the same without them in it.  It seemed unfathomable to me that I could actually adjust to these losses, we may adjust because our bodies have an amazing way of healing but that does NOT mean we don't miss them with every fiber of our being and nothing is the same again without them in it.  In psychology terms they call it our "new normal."  Nothing seems "normal" in the sense of the word as we know it, though.  We fight against even the thought of that.  Keep in mine though that it does NOT indicate that we are "okay" with it or like it, we do NOT!    I still love and talk to my Arlie two years later.  I'm glad his grave is in my backyard.  I'm 69 this Thursday...my puppy turns two then, I feel I can never move away and must fight for my health so I can continue to live here independently and maintain my home, my husband's ashes were scattered here and all of my pets in the last 30+ years are buried here.  I don't think I could bear to leave them.

Could you have a friend pick up the crate?  Maybe put some things of his in it, add love notes, something to honor him.  I painted rocks for my Arlie's grave but it didn't weather well so had to bring them into his pen instead.

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Melalves7

@KayC I don’t have any friends here and I honestly think it would make it harder for me . I had today a session with an animal communicator and it helped me a lot. My life will never be the same without him but this session did help me. Unfortunately my house is rented so I can’t do that 

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