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My mum isn't here, life won't be the same, what now?


KeyLimePie1

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So it's been almost four months to the day that my mom passed away at the age of 61. She had not been well for some time, but it was still quite sudden and unexpected how it happened. I am her 30 year old son, and I lived with her for most of my life, up to her passing.

So a bit of time has passed, and I can function enough again to go back to work, to occasionally socialise and do 1 or 2 things that I occasionally like to do. However, I do not have a big family around me. I have a sister and two nieces. I do not have much extended family. I have 1 or 2 good friends, but I simply don't have a big support network available. I don't get the opportunity to try and socialise or do a lot. I am a single man who has no support of a partner. 

If I've been out, I come home and all that's left waiting is the pet cat me and mom shared, though I am grateful for his presence. The house me and mom shared is empty, the house is silent. The TV is on in the background for noise, but I'm not really paying attention to it half of the time. All that is left now are the memories of the good times me and mom shared. We didn't do a great deal together, but what we did do, whether that was watching a TV series, or having a good chat about the world - it was simple and enjoyable. We liked a simple life. I miss that very much.

So now I come home, and I feel incredibly empty and lonely. I want to talk to my mom, but I can't accept that we will never have the conversations we used to have. I don't like being here in this house. I know I need to find myself a new place away from here - but that won't be an easy task either and it's not something I can achieve anytime soon. I need to save some more money before I can do it. 

I try and reach out to some people I know, but they don't understand what I am dealing with and they cannot help me. Some people don't even want to listen. They seem to think I should be 'back to normal' now. One of them even said "you've got no choice but to carry on there's nothing you can do about it". I found that a bit harsh, and lacking in empathy and compassion. I am finding this world to be cold and very unforgiving, or maybe it's just some of the people I know.

I just feel incredibly lonely, sad, and I miss my mom. I feel like she was the only person who truly cared, and now she is not here, I am questioning what this life is all about for me. I am just not sure what I am supposed to do now? If I can't find the drive and energy to carry on for my mum's memory, or my own wellbeing - what else can I do? 

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Hi I lost my mom on April 10, 2021…. She was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to my home and I took care of her she did not do very well on chemo but finally she went on keyTruda and immunotherapy drug which she did very well on and we thought she was doing good…. Little did we know that she had hepatitis C and her liver was being damaged she fell from a very small bench in my room and broke her hip and that’s all it took for the decline to start to happen many complications with hepatitis causing liver damage water retention pain etc.

it’s only been five months and I am in tears writing this to you but we all need to help each other it’s devastating to lose a parent.

she came on hospice April 6 I took care of her until she died on April 10 5:20 PM those few days were the most difficult time in my whole The images of her haunt me to this day but I try to think of the happy times that we had and the blessings that God gave us during the time she live with me we shared some good times together

i’m sorry that you are going through what you are feeling I find what helps me is I have a picture of my mother in the place where she used to sit every morning in her room and I talk to her in the mornings that I talk to her at night and sometimes during the day. 

I tell her about my day I tell her that I miss her I tell her I love her I talk about the memories we shared together and then I tell her mom I need to go now I have things to do but I’ll be back to talk to you this seems to help some. 

no matter what they’re always be those holes in our hearts but we must know that our parents would want us to Move on and be happy find joy in life and count our blessings. try not to think of the sad things I know it’s hard but try not to get stuck in that place visit it but then move or think of happy things keep busy I know that your parents are watching you and I hope that you enjoy your life as they would want you to because they loved you and still love you!!! 
 

I am still grieving I am still processing I’m still trying to figure things out but I do know that if we get stuck in the grief we will hurt ourselves mentally and physically and that’s not something that our parents would want us to do.  our health is very important to us I pray for you I pray for me that things will start to get better and the pain will become less and the happy memories will be stay in our minds more than the sad ones.

Big hug = god bless = take care 

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Gribble, I want to say how much your post resonates with me. I just write a long post, so I’ll try to keep this short for now.

I still live in the same house—with our 2 cats, even though both of my parents have passed away. At first, it was difficult to see the rooms without imagining Mom in her usual spots. But eventually, I got used to it. And now, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else because I feel close to her here.

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My mom had planned to retire this year. I took the job I currently have so we could spend more time together. I hate this job but I thought it would be worth it.  I’ve talked to my mom every day for 50 years. 
 

if I bought a shirt, I’d send mom a pic first. I searched for new restaurants for us to eat at.  She factored into most of my decisions. Now I have no idea what to do. I talk to her. I tell her what I’m doing. “Getting a salad from Outback Steakhouse mom. You always loved those.”  I can’t believe this is my life now. I never thought it would change. 

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It was so hard my first year  when I’d be shopping online or eBaying and I’d see something I know Mom would have liked—but then realize I can’t buy it for her.

we both loved Ralph Lauren and would always watch his shows online. Even now, I feel a certain twinge whenever there’s an announcement of a new collection.

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My Mom unexpectedly passed away June 7, 2021.  I understand that feeling of just being numb, lost and going through the motions.  Hard to find happiness and the sadness is overwhelming.  I want to tell her things, and get her advice.  Although the last words we spoke were “I love you”, I just feel I needed to tell her so much more.  I’m 52 but still considered her my best friend and safety net in this wacky world.  I’m so sorry that you are grieving your amazing Mother.  Please be kind to yourself!

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Hi Dianebl 

I know what you mean I am 56 years old and my mom passed away six months ago at the age of 86….. Even though she did live a full life and reached a good age it is still very difficult I cry every day and I fight the depression and anxiety every day :( 

I need to seek out grief counseling and grief therapy groups as soon as possible because I can feel like catching up with me. 

when I read your post I felt a chill come over maybe because the last words my mom spoke in a whisper with the last breath she had was

I love you. 
 

very hard being a caretaker of someone and being part of your life every day I have a best friend they gave me a plaque that says “believe in new beginnings” I’m trying my best to do that but I know it’s going to be a long journey before I truly except that statement.

Best wishes to you and I’m so glad for this website so that when I can and I’m able to I can post to people who are experiencing loss such as mine.

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Missmybeautifulmum
On 9/25/2021 at 8:36 PM, GribbleMC1 said:

So it's been almost four months to the day that my mom passed away at the age of 61. She had not been well for some time, but it was still quite sudden and unexpected how it happened. I am her 30 year old son, and I lived with her for most of my life, up to her passing.

So a bit of time has passed, and I can function enough again to go back to work, to occasionally socialise and do 1 or 2 things that I occasionally like to do. However, I do not have a big family around me. I have a sister and two nieces. I do not have much extended family. I have 1 or 2 good friends, but I simply don't have a big support network available. I don't get the opportunity to try and socialise or do a lot. I am a single man who has no support of a partner. 

If I've been out, I come home and all that's left waiting is the pet cat me and mom shared, though I am grateful for his presence. The house me and mom shared is empty, the house is silent. The TV is on in the background for noise, but I'm not really paying attention to it half of the time. All that is left now are the memories of the good times me and mom shared. We didn't do a great deal together, but what we did do, whether that was watching a TV series, or having a good chat about the world - it was simple and enjoyable. We liked a simple life. I miss that very much.

So now I come home, and I feel incredibly empty and lonely. I want to talk to my mom, but I can't accept that we will never have the conversations we used to have. I don't like being here in this house. I know I need to find myself a new place away from here - but that won't be an easy task either and it's not something I can achieve anytime soon. I need to save some more money before I can do it. 

I try and reach out to some people I know, but they don't understand what I am dealing with and they cannot help me. Some people don't even want to listen. They seem to think I should be 'back to normal' now. One of them even said "you've got no choice but to carry on there's nothing you can do about it". I found that a bit harsh, and lacking in empathy and compassion. I am finding this world to be cold and very unforgiving, or maybe it's just some of the people I know.

I just feel incredibly lonely, sad, and I miss my mom. I feel like she was the only person who truly cared, and now she is not here, I am questioning what this life is all about for me. I am just not sure what I am supposed to do now? If I can't find the drive and energy to carry on for my mum's memory, or my own wellbeing - what else can I do? 

Everything you said in your last paragraph especially,  I completely relate to. I've never experienced such a feeling of emptiness before. I remember reading that when you lose a parent it's like the background music to your life that you maybe didn't even realise was there.. comes to an abrupt halt. I feel similarly,  lost, lonely,  miss my mum like crazy.. but beyond that it's like I don't really know what I'm doing anymore or why  the thread or flow of my life feels completely gone & I'm just going through the motions and filling in the days. I love my mum more than anyone and she cared for me and loved me unconditionally, more than I know anyone else will or could.  I feel like the spark/ meaning has drained out of life & from everything I've read on grief messageboards etc I believe this is really common in those who have lost a parent..I hope with more time we will re learn how to live and regain some kind of drive/ purpose? I really hope so as many of my days I spend just wishing I could be with my mum, as life feels so lonely and cold without her. I think though that maybe this phase of feeling completely lost its necessary to go through.. how could it be any other way as our lives have totally changed and done a 180 with the loss of our beloved mums. 

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I just wanted to thank everyone here for their kind responses. I really do appreciate your insight, and I am sorry to read and hear of your losses. Grief really does unite us all, even if the grief we are dealing with is unique to us, in terms of it being our own personal loss.

I know sometimes reading someone else's downbeat thoughts may not be the greatest help, it won't provide any motivation or inspiration, but it just lets you all know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. That was the whole point of this post when I wrote it on the 25 September. I would like to bet a lot of us came here knowing one of our only answers to our problem was to talk to people who understand. I know that's why I came here. 

One of the worst aspects about this grief process, aside from the loss itself, is the isolation it brings. I know that isolation brings me down into a bad place on bad days, a bit like I have had today. Everyone will have a different thought that gives them a tiny bit of hope or a reason to believe we can work through this grief.

I try loss is loss and when that person has sadly left our lives, there's a unfillable gap that can never be replaced. My own thought is, my grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away of a heart attack when my mom was only 13 years old. I have to ask myself, how did my mom get through that, to then go on and have me, my sister, and my late brother who also passed away many years ago. I don't know how she did it, but she did and she found motivation to carry on through her children. But I know that event affected her life in a deep way. She was a wonderful mom who was a very special person, I am very proud to have had the chance to be her son.

I know everyone on here will feel the exact same way about your loved one. So that's my message to you today. Be proud of who we've come from. I know it doesn't take away the grief or the pain, it does not change what's happened to us, but the reason we are the people we are, is because of them and all the wonderful things they did for us. The pain is still there, but that gives me a small degree of comfort that I know part of our loved ones will always live on through us. That's one thing that will never ever fade.

 

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