Lost the love of my life and I feel like I can't do it anymore

[missingjay]

The love of my life, Jason, passed away suddenly on August 2nd, 2021 at 25 years old. He passed away right in front of me in our home. I did CPR and everything I could but he was already gone when the paramedics arrived, it look them 15 minutes to get here and the station is 2 blocks away. He always had acute asthma and had a cold (which made things worse), started to have an asthma attack and it turned into a heart attack. My insurance wouldn't let me refill his inhaler prescription that day, they said they couldn't do it until the next day, and he didn't make it. He didn't want to go to the hospital and we had always, always gotten through his asthma attacks together through the years. I should've made him go to the hospital earlier that day but he said he would be okay. I blame myself for everything. His family's way of grieving is to have someone to blame as well, and that person is me. Although we had been together for 4 years and picked out a ring, he hadn't proposed yet. I found his plans to propose on his phone 2 weeks ago. Because we aren't married his family has taken everything they legally can away from me and even tried to take our dog (I got him back). He hadn't worked in a year and a half because we didn't need him to and it was good for him to have a break (and I loved having him home with me while i work from home) and we used his bank account for savings and his family took it all. We had been through so so much but it never mattered because we had eachother and no matter what we loved eachother unconditionally. I didn't realize that true love existed until we met and instantly had an inexplicable connection. Do you know that feeling of just pure love for every part of your significant other? Even the parts that others around you might see as bad, I always just saw it as a part of him and he wouldn't be himself without mistakes and downfalls and I loved every single part of what made him Jason. The past year we were so happy living in a beautiful home with our dog in the mountains. All I ever wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him and now he's gone and it doesn't make any sense. He deserved more time and I don't know what to do without him. As he would say, "looking into your eyes, I found myself, I found love". We were always together and shared everything and now that he's gone our house is so empty, I can hardly get out of bed because of all the memories. I just miss him so much and what we had was so special, I know that we were meant to be together and he was my purpose. I always told him that if I lost him that I wouldn't be far behind, and even having stayed on this earth this long feels like I'm breaking that promise. I know that this pain is never going to stop and the only reason why I'm hanging on is because I don't want to cause my brother any sadness. Before I met Jay I honestly didn't even understand what love felt like and I know that most people don't even get to experience what we had. I still can't comprehend that this is real and he's really gone and I can't even describe the pain I feel every second of every day. We had our whole lives planned out together and now I have nothing. I just want to ask, how do I possibly get through this? Is it even worth hanging on? 

[Chuo]

Hello. First off, I am very sorry for your loss.

I understand your pain... I loss my partner 2 days after your lost yours, sudden death as well, and it's jarring and you feel like your whole life's meaning suddenly changes or it's gone.

I read all of what you wrote and it shows that you've gone through a lot not only during his death, but after. And again, I can understand a lot of what you wrote.

About your questions at the end... well, first off, take each day as it comes, one day at a time, baby steps, slowly but surely. Focus on one moment, and then the next. When you can handle that, focus on one day, and then the next. The big jump from there is to plan ahead a week but well, that's a big challenge from day to day to week to week, so be patient and forgiving with yourself. Is it worth hanging on? Well... I think it is, but why don't you answer, what would Jason answer you there? Would he tell you to hang on? What would he tell you?

And I know you didn't ask, but about something you wrote before, that you blame yourself for everything and that you should've "made" him go to the hospital... I have two questions for you: how could you have known? And, do you think it's fair to yourself to ask those questions, considering that he made his choices?

I've learnt to respect other people's choices, whether I agree with them or not. It's not easy... but it's necessary. We are all our own human beings, responsible only for ourselves unless we are parents or have dependants. Each independent adult is responsible for their own health, for better or worse, don't you think? But again, what would Jason tell you?

[missingjay]

On 10/21/2021 at 1:53 PM, Chuo said:

Hello. First off, I am very sorry for your loss.

I understand your pain... I loss my partner 2 days after your lost yours, sudden death as well, and it's jarring and you feel like your whole life's meaning suddenly changes or it's gone.

I read all of what you wrote and it shows that you've gone through a lot not only during his death, but after. And again, I can understand a lot of what you wrote.

About your questions at the end... well, first off, take each day as it comes, one day at a time, baby steps, slowly but surely. Focus on one moment, and then the next. When you can handle that, focus on one day, and then the next. The big jump from there is to plan ahead a week but well, that's a big challenge from day to day to week to week, so be patient and forgiving with yourself. Is it worth hanging on? Well... I think it is, but why don't you answer, what would Jason answer you there? Would he tell you to hang on? What would he tell you?

I apologize that it's taken me a while to respond, it's taken me a while to log back on to this site because sometimes it's easier believing that he's not really gone, just away for a little while. I really appreciate the time you took to respond to this and am so sorry to hear about your loss as well. I know that hearing this can sometimes be aggravating but you sound so strong. I truly hope that you feel the strength you project in your core because your level head is inspiring, especially considering I understand your pain with how recent your loss was. 

I've been taking things one moment at a time, it's the best I can do right now. The hardest part is that as more time passes, the negative voice in my head gets louder. I want to believe that he would want me to hang on, because I know that I would want him to. I know that he would want me to try but I seriously can't fathom finding any reason to continue this viscous cycle we call life anymore. He deserved more time and I can't understand why he didn't get that time here. He would tell me that I am better off without him as he told me many times while struggling with depression, but the truth that he knew in his heart is that we were meant to spend our lives together and that's all I ever needed since the moment we met.

On 10/21/2021 at 1:53 PM, Chuo said:

And I know you didn't ask, but about something you wrote before, that you blame yourself for everything and that you should've "made" him go to the hospital... I have two questions for you: how could you have known? And, do you think it's fair to yourself to ask those questions, considering that he made his choices?

I've learnt to respect other people's choices, whether I agree with them or not. It's not easy... but it's necessary. We are all our own human beings, responsible only for ourselves unless we are parents or have dependants. Each independent adult is responsible for their own health, for better or worse, don't you think? But again, what would Jason tell you?

I think the biggest reason that I blame myself was that he was having such bad asthma that day. He kept telling me that he was okay, those were even his last words. But I should've realized how not okay he really was. I was his person and I was supposed to protect him and I didn't save him. I always respected his decisions, but in this case I should have pushed more. If I would've pushed more even just at the pharmacy and made them refill our prescription for his inhaler then he might still be here. It's just so hard because we lived together in a rural area so I was all he had, if anyone was going to convince him to get medical attention earlier it would've been me. I think that the guilt has really compounded because of some words that were shared from his mom and grandmother, they need someone to blame for their loss and that person is me. Hearing someone else tell me that I could've done more really made me believe it, and to this day I'm not sure if she's right or not even though I'm the only one who was there.Thankfully I have a brother who supports me and has tried to be my voice of reason through this, but I can't unhear what his family has told me.

I want to say again how much I appreciate your response, the thoughtfulness behind your reply and the questions you said I should ask myself. This post has had a whole lot about me so if you ever need to share, I'm here to listen. I usually put up a strong face when I'm with friends and family but I think it's important to say my truth somewhere. From what I can tell, you seem like an incredibly resilient person who is solid in their truth which is commendable at the least. I also know that even the strongest of us need a shoulder every once in a while so please don't hesitate to reach out if you just want to talk.

 

[Chuo]

Hello again missingjay

No worries, no apology necessary. I understand that easeness to believe they're not gone... but I'd advice you to be careful about it. I've had a couple of people tell me about acceptance and it really is necessary, as painful as it may be. And it may lead you somewhere good since, as I realized while talking to a friend, "to accept her death is to accept that she lived, and her life had a lot of good things". So in other words, accepting our losses inherently means accepting all the good. It has to.

Yes, I have been told I'm strong, and I appreciate your comment. I know it comes from a good place. It's not easy though... but I choose to do the best I can with the cards life has dealt with me. Also it helps to honor her memory, to behave in the ways she told me she liked, and she would like if she could talk to me rn...

It's good that you're taking things one moment at a time. Day by day. If that's too much, then hour by hour. And you can always go down to seconds if you need. That's fine. And about what you mention being together for the rest of your lives... yeah, my dear and I wanted that for us as well. Long lives. But I also realized that wanting to be together for the rest of our lives... well, she got that. It wasn't for as many years as we'd have wanted, so it was relatively short in that respect; but it was relatively long in other respects. I don't mean to say that this is a glass half-full or half-empty type of situation, but... in the end, as much as it's difficult for me, she did get to have me for the rest of our lives. And after that, I take solace in the promises we made to each other, that we'd love each other forever, 'til the end of time, in this life and the next.

About the blame, and his side of the family... blame-wise, why don't you reduce to previous instances in your life together? Did he usually blame you for stuff that was inherently his? Because yes, we like to support and take care of our loved ones - but at the end of the day it's not on us, it's not our responsibility. If it's not our responsibility, it's not for us to shoulder any blame either. That wouldn't be right. And even IF... would they hold it against us if we tried our best, given the circumstances?

As per her family... everyone reacts differently to grief. Some react by finding someone to blame, because that gives their sadness (and, more importantly, their anger) a target. It's easier to be angry at someone, than to be angry at death itself. Or fate. Or providence. i won't mention life, because in my case, being angry at life would mean being angry at having met her, having loved her, and I'll never be angry at that.

I've thought about the word unfair a lot in these last few months... and yes, of course, it feels unfair. Whether it actually is or isn't, that's not up to me to decide. It just... is. And we're still here. They're... somewhere. Or at least that's what I like, and choose to believe. I think I'll see my dear again, some day... and until then, I want to make her proud, so that when we talk again, I can look forward to knowing what she'll have to say about my time here.

I appreciate your offer to talk. You can keep replying here or send me a DM. I don't mind at all.