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I lost you. I am very lost without you


ztyu123

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08/20 · Edited
My dog died today, and it's all my family's fault. everybody didn't believe me and shunned me when I told them that she was deathly sick for weeks. They are acting like it was natural causes but it wasn't. For weeks I have been telling them that she was sick and she needed to go to the vet and they ignored me telling me that I'm not a doctor and that they were tired of me complaining about it. she died horrifically on my kitchen floor with blood and urine pouring out of her orifices. I am very angry. this could have been prevented, or at least she didn't have to suffer. now my family joking that its time to get a puppy now. Also they were saying that I need to get rid of her things soon. I posted on another forum on another site under a mental health thread anonymously and the people there were very insensitive. Saying disgusting and irrelevant things almost blaming me like how come I didn't take my dog to the vet, and I shouldn't be sad because I'm not the victim my dog is. Those things made me feel even more terribly than I did previously sorry for posting this many times but I need to..to cope... I let Jada down. I was a coward and couldn't even bring myself to hold her as she passed. I went in another room..I'm disgusting

 


08/22
Because of him and them...I have to walk into the room and on the space where she died multiple times a day. I will never forgive them


I told them for weeks and begged him to take her to the vet ..even sent pictures to him and videos of her suffering and I was ignored. I even begged yesterday for him to do so, but he did not. All of my family members are disgusting because they said they understood him not wanting to take her to the vet because of him not wanting to pay a vet bill to have her die soon afterwards. I explained to them that regardless of if the prognosis was grim or not , she still should have had the one last visit to either cure her or end her suffering hopefully in a peaceful way. Maybe she could have been cured early on before it progressed. Yesterday I begged and pleaded to end her suffering. But he wouldn't do it. I tried calling mobile vets as I am homebound and no one would come out. I didnt even get to hold her as she was taking her final breaths. I was a coward and left her there to die alone, I didn't want to see her in such a condition. I failed her. I promised her that I would get her help. I'm disgusting. It should have been me.
I am soo depressed. I wake up crying. I have flashbacks, I can't eat, I can't sleep willingly..my body just forces me too.. Her bed still remains untouched as she left it in the room that we shared..Despite my family talking amongst themselves about me needing to throw her things out. I had to get rid of the clothes that I was wearing down to my sneakers..I can never wear that again at all. I don't even want to clean or vaccum , as I dont want to erase her scent, presence, and remaining essence. I'm a mess. Seeing how people were insensitivity asking/almost blaming me for not taking her to the vet, has really messed me up as well. The self blame has amplified and synced with my DNA , and has become something I will never get rid of. I have to listen to them describe her death with insensitivity towards her, and me to others. How pitiful and sad she looked while suffering..the allowed suffering that they intentionally inflicted on her for weeks despite my advocacy for her. The words echo in my head about how I told her that I would get her help. I promised her that I would. Her last breaths and how she was gagging and coughing for air as she tried to make her way down my basement to go outside for a final time, but how she was only able to get to the top of the basement doorway before she collapsed on the floor dying haunts me as I have to cross that spot many times during the day still. The words and memories swivel around my head and heart like a true and sincere lover and friend romances. My thoughts are mostly focused on her. Apologising to her hoping that she'll hear some how. My days consist of me trying to dictate and put my tears on a strict regimen and schedule. I blame myself for everything, including not being strong enough to carry her down, or not be strong enough to hold her in my arms while dying. I anger at the fact that my family is seduced by lies, and spreading them around like a foreign contagious parasite. Calling it a "natural " death due to age. They can't even get her age correct and cemented in their brain. They left the mop and clothe that they used to clean away the blood, outside in my front yard, so there is no escape and breathable air outside. Her corpse wasn't even respected and dignified. They took it away to a unknown place and that was that. I know that the last time they saw her she was wheeled away someplace. That's all I know. I would have given her a proper burial. Coffin and all. Maybe in her favorite park if allowed..or somewhere where it the world's beauty was reflective and matched and mirrored her beauty. I wanted soo much more for her. I wanted her to be safe in life, and secure in her transition to the unknown. Now I pray and hope that she is safe and loved in death.
 

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I've already responded to you on my other grief forum so will copy my response from there:
 

I am very sorry for your loss.  I know that's just words and doesn't begin to convey what I feel but I do know the pain, all too well.  It sounds like perhaps you are a minor and feel you're not in charge or perhaps don't have the financial means to have taken her to the vet yourself?  If so, PLEASE do not blame yourself, this is not on you.  Or perhaps you did not fully realize this is what would happen...we see in retrospect what we cannot see ahead of time.  The one thing you can do is take what you have learned going forward in life as you become an adult.  It would help greatly if your family showed remorse and sadness for her death.  It's hard for you (and me) to understand how people can seem so cold under the circumstances.  Some people are pet people, some are not...you and I are.  We realize that our "pets" are so much more than a belonging, they are very valued and treasured family members!  We have a connection with them!  Their hearts belong to us, and ours to them.  

Perhaps it feels too soon for you to get another pet, but please don't close yourself off to the idea forever.  You will never love another quite like you did this one, but another can worm their way into your heart based on their own merits...it is NOT "replacing" your other pet, because that's not doable, not even if we cloned them.  My Arlie was my "soulmate in a dog, he was my companion for 10 1/2 years, he had acute chronic Colitis all his life so I cooked for him...he was a very large dog so it was a lot of cooking but I'd have done anything for him.  I took him in for routine teeth cleaning and came away with an inoperable cancer diagnosis, liver shutting down, nothing could be done for him.  I provided him hospice myself, at home, for two months & ten days and then had him euthanized.  It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to do the right thing for HIM, not selfishly keep him alive (and suffering) for ME.  I will always love him.  I will always miss him.  I looked into other dogs but nothing worked out.  One day my son called me and wanted to know "yay or nay" on the spot about a puppy he'd found, I said, "Yay??"  He brought him to me...he was conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  He is very different from Arlie, but I'm extremely attached to him and he's the perfect dog for me now at this time in my life, although I miss Arlie tremendously and wish I could have BOTH of them!  There is no comparison.  Comparisons devalue, don't go there.  I know, differences stand out, but not to downplay one or another, they are just "unique.""  Arlie was extremely communicative with his Husky talk, I called him my little boy although he was anything but little, getting up to 140 lbs.  He was beautiful, sweet, always smiling!  He was very considerate, never wanting to wake me up.  He learned and became a very good dog with some time/training.  Kodie is always wherever I am, wants to be near me all the time.  He's adorable, won't get above 20 lbs, very sweet and loving.  Also very strong willed!  He doesn't do the Husky talk, even though he's miniature Husky (Klee Kai), he "spins and spins" when he's excited!  And I adore both of them.

I know you feel responsible for her death, we go through those feelings esp. in early grief, we go through all of the "what ifs" in an effort to find a different possible outcome as the one that happened is too inconceivable to us!  I hope these articles are of help to you.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

Getting another Pet

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

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